Twitterature (18 page)

To yank the chain, to do the Han Solo, to fasten the chin strap on the helmet of love, to take a load off, to be left to your own devices, to clean your rifle, to charm the snake, to flog the bishop, to ‘do' your ‘homework', to liquidate the inventory, to paint the pickle, to play five-on-one, to pull yourself by your own bootstrap, to scour the tower of power, to shake the sauce, to shake hands with Abe Lincoln, to stroke the carrot, to unload the gun, to yank the plank, to practice your wrist aero- bics, to rub yourself until you have an orgasm.

Much like ‘hanging out' or ‘chilling'. However, whereas those two terms refer to a state of relative contentment with present activities and company, ‘kicking it' is an existential condition in which the homies are confronted with a lack of ‘essence', and, as a result, are forced to confront the hollow-ness of their very lives. Inspires frustration and desire for more, but these feelings are rarely sufficient motivation to achieve transcendence. To be avoided at all costs.

Literally, ‘laughing out loud!' The internet is a strange place, and in the format of cold text the important things - laughter, tears, tone and expression - are often lost. Luckily, quick acronyms such as this remedy the problem by allowing the other party to know that you are truly struck by their wit, and are involuntarily screeching in celebration of this fact.

The essence of web-based comedy. When many individual acts of ‘LOL', emanating from behind a million keyboards across the world, bind together in bonds of comedy and joy so mighty that only omnipotence could break them, a network is formed that brings mirth to all who seek it. This is the Lulz.

To practice the art of seduction. To speak with grace and charm, usually to a member of the fair sex, such that she might relinquish her girlish fears and take one as a lover. To keep it real with the bitches, as it were.

A woman of a certain age with whom one would enjoy a good roll in the hay. Literally, ‘Mother I'd like to fuck', although such language really isn't the sort of thing you should use around your or anybody else's mother. Then again, neither is your penis.

A man's testicles. There is nothing funny about these.

‘Never mind': ‘As I have already wasted enough of my and your time with words now rendered irrelevant, I cannot bring myself to waste yet more with a multi-syllabic notification of the retraction. Hence, NM.'

‘Ah, dear Providence! In your gentle stewardship of the Earth, I am unnerved that such a situation as the one I now confront could be your handiwork, and thus, I cry out reflexively to you for explanation and comfort: Oh my god!'

‘Farewell, my gentle companions.'

A Communist. Or perhaps a socialist. I'm not sure what the difference is, but they're both no-good, anti-American, if you ask me.

Please. Without the vowels, it loses a bit of the sincerity and effort one would normally associate with a request that requires polite language, but perhaps the other party appreciates such brevity as it allows them to embark upon the desired act more quickly.

The lady is with child.

To walk into what one believes is an actual catastrophe, but which ends with a dog-faced bro jumping out from behind a bush, laughing and waving a camera as you realize your folly on national television.

Technically a contraction of ‘owned', with the ‘o' intentionally mistyped as a ‘p'; as in ‘bested' or ‘I have defeated you.' Colloquially, ‘I am a child/video game enthusiast/fraternity brother and could think of nothing more clever to say. But yet, as it is, I am still your superior in the battle of wits at hand.'

Sometimes a simple ‘LOL' is not enough. Upping the comedic ante to a much higher level, ‘rolling on the floor laughing' at first challenges the honesty that is vital to textual expressions of emotion. How, after all, can one type if one is indeed on the floor, prostrating oneself before the Gods of Comedy? One realizes quickly, however, that such expressions are metaphorical; the typist still sits safely behind his keyboard, while it is his soul that turns and turns upon the ground, possessed by the spirit of mirth.

Shawty, a sexually liberated woman of striking and enticing appearance, making herself low, presumably in proximity with the dance floor, so as to demonstrate her virtuosic mastery of the physical motion that could be applied back at your place.

‘Shut the fuck up'. Really, do.

To emit a small chirping sound, in the manner of a bird. Used to describe the posting of a message on
Twitter.com
- ‘Of course I know about Todd Palin's daughter - I tweeted about the whole scandal yesterday! Aren't you following me?'

To text, as in to send a text message. This act is most often performed on the road, because to speak on a cell phone while driving is generally illegal, while looking down at a small screen and typing is, obviously, much safer.

Technically, a website replete with medical knowledge from both textbooks and professionals that greatly aids in the dissemination of useful medical information, and that serves as a useful alternative to the long waits and steep bills occasioned by visiting an actual doctor. More commonly, a place where hypochondriacs may exacerbate their condition and spend hours obsessing over the possible ways they might be dying that day.

Whatever.

A series of semi-intelligible phrases most often yelled by Anglo-Saxons aspiring for minority status. Translates roughly to ‘I am here! Yes, look at me!'

‘What the fuck?!', as in ‘I am quite shocked to discover you, my wife, in the bed of my fiercest friend and dearest rival! Indeed, my reaction is a combination of surprise, confusion, rage and sorrow. What the fuck?!'

Similar to television, except free, two-directional, accessible to everyone, and has more than a million shows to watch. However, there is still nothing good on right now.

Cocaine.

Cocaine.

Cocaine.

Cocaine.

Cocaine.

Cocaine.

Cocaine.

Cocaine.

 

 

 

 

 

A person's pseudonym on
Twitter.com
. When used within a post by someone else, this directs the message at them.

Similar to @Username, except a direct message - more private.

A hash tag (#) marks a post as being in a certain group or relating to a certain theme. Posts that share the same hash tag can be found listed together.

Acknowledgments

Much could be said about how a book of any sort is not a solo effort. Pages and pages could be burned with ink, celebrating the contributions of those who gave aid and comfort to us as we embarked on this journey to bring the knowledge of the ages, and perhaps a little smile, to those kind enough to venture through this text. However, if we have learned anything from this process, it is that our day and age is defined by a wit borne of brevity, and for that reason, we feel compelled by Zeitgeist to keep this simple.

This book would not be possible without: Brian DeFiore, John Siciliano, Yen Cheong, Will Hammond, Joe Pickering, Mary Pachnos, André and Susan Aciman, Susan Peterson, and David Rensin.

We would also like to thank the following people: Michael and Phillip Aciman, Michael Berlin, Elise Biggers, Hana Hawker, Rebecca Roberts, Emily Beyda, Matthew and Nicholas Engel, Harry May-Kline, Marcella Zimmerman, Djobi Rojas, Ulysses Pascal, Arpy Sarkissian, Amy Chou, Daniel Gaines, and the Lord Jesus Christ, Amen.

And of course a special thanks to all the great writers - both those included and those excluded from our work - from Homer, to Joyce, to Rowling, whose pens and quills have helped guide our minds on the daring, righteous path of enlightenment.

Index

Alighieri, Dante

Aristophanes

Austen, Jane

Beatles, The

Beckett, Samuel

Brontë, Charlotte

Brontë, Emily

Brown, Dan

Byron, Lord

Camus, Albert

Capote, Truman

Card, Orson Scott

Carroll, Lewis

Cervantes, Miguel de

Chaucer, Geoffrey

Coleridge, Samuel Taylor

Conrad, Joseph

Defoe, Daniel

Dickens, Charles

Dostoevsky, Fyodor

Doyle, Sir Arthur Conan

Dumas, Alexandre

Eliot, T. S.

Euripides

Faulkner, William

Fitzgerald, F. Scott

Flaubert, Gustave

Goethe, Johann Wolfgang von

Gogol, Nikolai

Hemingway, Ernest

Homer

Joyce, James

Kafka, Franz

Keller, Helen

Kerouac, Jack

Lawrence. H.

Lee, Harper

Lermontov, Mikhail

Mann, Thomas

Marlowe, Christopher

McCarthy, Cormac

Melville, Herman

Metamorphosis
,
The

Meyer, Stephenie

Milton, John

Moore, Alan

Nabokov, Vladimir

Orwell, George

Proust, Marcel

Pushkin, Alexander

Pynchon, Thomas

Radiguet, Raymond

Remarque, Erich Maria

Rowling, J. K.

Sacher-Masoch, Leopold von

Salinger, J. D.

Sartre, Jean-Paul

Shakespeare, William

Shelley, Mary

Sophocles

Steinbeck, John

Stendhal

Sterne, Laurence

Stoker, Bram

Swift, Jonathan

Tolkien, J. R. R.

Tolstoy, Leo

Twain, Mark

Virgil

Voltaire

Vonnegut, Kurt