Twitterature (17 page)

 

Road trip guys. Whoʼs with us? Send me a parchment if youʼre in need of spiritual healing.

 

Thereʼs a Knight and his son. This guyʼs horse is like a tank. Better to tarry at its south end than court danger.

 

Next is the Yeoman, whoʼs so tan and full of hair he lookes like Tom Hanks in
Cast Away
.

 

Thereʼs a Nun. She meprises Jews. Itʼs awkward riding with an anti-Semite, because if weʼre bored sheʼll say, ʻLetʼs kill some Jews.ʼ

 

Also, she should be charitable, but she likes food. Sheʼs kind of a hypocrite. Didnʼt like my joke about the nunnery that blows up.

 

Thereʼs also the Friar. He HATES the Summoner, theyʼre always talking shite before each otherʼs necks.

 

Today the Friar was like, ʻHey, how about that Summoner, isnʼt he terrible?ʼ Also heʼs a bit of a vagrant hobo. Basically he smells.

 

The Franklin just wonʼt quit his talke - always interrupting people.

 

We also have a Haberdasheerere in our group. Heʼs pretty boring, he makes socks. Not saying heʼs gay, though.

Oh and the Wyfe of Bathe. Talk about a woman who likes to be perced to the roote.

 

She got laide at her husbandʼs funeral. A man filled her body upon the grave of her spouse. Ill in the head, no?

 

She probablie has many venereal sicknesses, her profession is being a wife. Everyone else has titles or jobs and sheʼs just a wife?

 

The Miller likes sodomy. ʼTis all he talkes about. Ass-faugh this, colon-blast that.

 

The Miller likes not the quaint of a woman, but the arse. He tolde a joke about a red-hot poker.

 

And then thereʼs Chaucer. He cannot tell a story to save his lyfe.

 

ʼTwas so bade that we had to shut him up. Canʼt he just give it a rest?

 

This trip sucks. I wish I had my N64. Mayhaps thereʼll be one in Canterbury. I hear thereʼs also a meddlesome priest. Could be fun.

 

It was 20 years ago today, Sgt Pepper taught the band to play. And by Pepper, I mean Brian, the Devil to whom we sold our souls for fame.

 

Anyone following @BillyShears? He replaced that friend we had, you know, our friend who is . . . no longer with us. But donʼt tell anyone.

 

Itʼs a lot of fun just hanging out with your friends. Driving around, trying to be something, having a laugh, smoking a J, hallucinating.

 

This morning my kid went on and on about how I had to see the painting he did. Decided to take some LSD instead. I see Japanese women.

 

I was going to write a poem in dactylic tetrameter, but then I got high. Now Iʼm wearing glass around my neck, and I know why.

 

I used to be an abusive tyrant. Rockinʼ out, getting high, beating my woman. But now Iʼm better. Or at least no worse.

 

This morning my father told me I had to fix a hole in the roof. If Iʼm a carpenter, that makes him a walrus. Will the real Paul stand up?

But then Paul McCartney said - nothing, you idiot, Paul McCartneyʼs dead. His corpse is locked in my basement.

 

My neighbor ran away from home this morning, before dawn. £20 says she ends up in the white slave trade.

 

My parents made me go to the circus. Saw an impressive horse, and a man who undertakes summersets through hoops of fire.

 

 

Meant to buy a car today. Got distracted and bought a sitar instead. Itʼs a great instrument for faux depth, and looks like a large cock.

 

Asked my woman today if she would leave me if I became a 64-year-old raging alcoholic. Says donʼt worry: she wonʼt live that long.

 

Saw a lovely woman, dressed like an army man. Sheʼs a meter maid. Calls herself Rita. I think Iʼll ʻtowʼ her heart. Sorry.

 

Almost got laid whilst sitting on the couch with Ritaʼs two sisters. Unless a foursome is in the works, this is pretty awkward.

 

Good morning, twittersphere!

 

So Iʼd like to keep on tweeting, but sadly I am told that it is time to go - the internet is only a sometimes thing, you know?

 

Stuck in traffic. Everyone rubbernecking this guy. Lordy, I believe I know him from somewhere.

Woke up, combed my hair, caught the bus, had correct change. Got to work on time, had a crap and a smoke and a nap. My life is average.

 

GGGGGOOOOONNNNNNGGGGG, bzz, bzzz, bzzzz - how long do you think we can hold this piano chord after the albumʼs over . . . ?

Glossary

A guide to this book's obscure and esoteric terminologies and idioms for the benefit of luddites and old-timers that they may understand and enjoy the humor and wordplay herein contained.

An icon of affection, representing a heart. Also used super-ironically because what kind of idiot uses the heart icon? Right?

An icon of annoyance, representing a broken heart. Also used super-ironically because what kind of idiot uses the heart icon? Right?

To be understood as they are pronounced, rather than for their numeric value. Hence: ‘I am going 2 the store', and ‘This mysterious, poorly wrapped, ticking box is 4 you.' However, before this box can be opened, I must depart. ‘See you l8r.'

Literally, American Association of Retired Persons, though often confused with American Association of Retarded Peoples, which bears a similar acronym. Its free, non-voluntary membership is a sure sign that you are now, in fact, old. No more denying it. Welcome to your Golden Years.

A California invention. When a child is abducted, the make, model, and license number of the abductor's car are displayed on large LED signs on the highway. This is presumably intended to make the perpetrator somewhat uncomfortable and perhaps compel him to pull over and contemplate the inevitable as he glances around awkwardly (and conspicuously) beneath the sign that describes him.

The three major body-image disorders, commonly referred to as ‘anorexia nervosa', ‘the ox hunger', and ‘turning into a giant insect'.

Literally, ‘Bad Ass Motha' Fucka' '. A certain type of gentleman whose sheer manliness, coupled with a disregard for law and society, inspires matrimonial amnesia in the women he encounters, and fear in all. As in, ‘The guy is one BAMF - I can't tell if he's going to kill me, or just nail my wife!'

Bondage-Domination Sadomasochism. All men, somewhere in the course of their sexual lives, have felt the impulse to get a bit aggressive. A small slap, a bit of a choke - in the heat of passion, these little impulses sometimes bubble to the surface and, sometimes, enhance the experience. However, some people, finding themselves possessed by an excess of this sentiment, venture further - chains, knives, beatings, burning - all met not only with their own pleasure, but with that of their partner as well. And thus, with these ideas in mind, and a bit of black leather, BDSM was born for all strange men's pleasure, and all the world's laughter.

Literally, ‘best friends forever'. Actually, the use of this term is a reliable indicator that the user belongs to the 11- to 15-year-old girl/Jonas Brothers fan demographic, meaning your ‘best friend' will be a ‘total slut' when your boyfriend gets her pregnant in senior year. So much for forever.

The carnal expression of the spirit of Venus: to enjoy the consummation of affection, to make love, to get it on.

Be right back.

Just a typical guy. Enjoys shorts and a plain T-shirt. Likes a good game of pick-up basketball, or some Sunday afternoon football. Would love some barbeque and a beer. Will put Rohypnol in your drink and molest you in his frat house if he gets a chance.

A bonding of the spirits of two heterosexual men. They go everywhere together, paint each other's nails, and stay up late drinking beers and sharing secrets. But there is nothing sexual about this relationship. Nothing. At. All.

‘By the way', as in ‘I throw this last bit in as an afterthought, hoping you won't notice it. But my guilty conscience forces me to at least
mention
that I have been copulating with your sister.'

To physically or metaphorically prevent another's phallus from arriving at its intended goal - usually by ‘stepping on a brother's game' so that the lady of his affections never exposes the aforementioned goal to begin with.

‘Crazy drunk'. Similar to normal drunk, but possessing a daring young edge. To shout, ‘I GET CRUNK EVERY DAY!' is to affirm one's place at the cutting edge of super-hip youth, whereas to shout, ‘I GET DRUNK EVERY DAY!' is quite sad, and a reliable indicator of life-long alcoholism.

‘Chill the fuck out' - as in ‘While my own expression may seem rather unsettled, I find your behavior unacceptably overwrought, and would suggest that, if you simply calm yourself, you may find this alleviates much of the situation's apparent intensity. CTFO, man.'

One of them new curse words them kids use nowadays. Implies the person in question is - worse than merely the exit point for feces - a device used for washing the pudenda.

‘Down to fuck', as in ‘Although I have only just seen that woman walk through the door, were she to approach and ask bluntly, “Would you like to return to my apartment and have sexual intercourse?”, I would reply, “Indeed! I am, after all, down to fuck.”'

‘Emotional', specifically, the junior high school student fond of wearing box-framed glasses and all-black skinny jeans, and listening to Dashboard Confessional. Not old enough to be a hipster, or to have become fashionably apathetic à la Dostoevsky. The Emo Kid has arrived at the tender age of fourteen and has, as a consequence, realized that the upper-middle-class American private-school urban lifestyle is the most terrible and oppressive on Earth. They intend to let everybody know.

A popular internet term used to describe an ironic twist of events that, if the term is to be taken literally, is so immense it shall be sung about by poets for ages to come.

A website in which several thousand aspirants to the crown of photography's ‘next big thing' upload an unlimited number of images captured on the digital camera their parents bought them because going to that summer program really showed their commitment to photography. At least until next month.

‘Fuck my life'. Made popular by a website of the same name, this tag is used to denote little anecdotes of humorous misfortune. Most usually, the loss of a significant other, an affair, the blunders of one's parents, and the pitfalls of school and office politics.

Infamous cocaine addict and pederast. Also, a convenient stooge for any joke involving sex, one's mother, or (preferably) a combination of the two.

‘For the win'. To commit to an undertaking (or to comment on another's) with great exuberance, expressing the grandeur of the task, and noting that you believe its successful execution will be an accomplishment of importance and note. ‘I went to the tanning salon, and got TEN BOTTLES OF SPRAY-ON FTW.'

An individual with orange or red hair. While there is nothing inherently strange about this, some find the idea that their pubic hair might also be bright red endlessly funny. As a result, an entire culture of comedy now exists surrounding these poor, ridiculous carrot-tops.

‘Get the fuck out', as in ‘Sir! This building is on fire, and the men who have come to extinguish the flames are, in fact, assassins sworn on a blood oath to torture and kill you. Also, I need some privacy so that it is not awkward when your recent ex-girlfriend emerges from my bedroom wearing a sheet. In short, GTFO!'

An indescribably happening youngster. Highly ironic, extremely elusive - whereas counter-cultures of times past proudly identified themselves as members of their particular subculture, a hipster is a scholar of half-understood memories from a community college philosophy elective, at once loudly advertising their hipster status in clothing, transportation, taste and cigarette choice, while loudly denying their status as a hipster, until one is led to believe that not one of them actually exists. Semiotics, man, yeah, that's deep.

An electronic device that is, if you didn't already know (like, uh, what kind of loser are you?), basically the best thing bequeathed to mankind by kindly Steven Jobs from up on Mount Olympus. You didn't know that? Well, have you got a couple of hours? Because I've got some really cool apps I'd like to show you . . .

‘In real life', as opposed to this imaginary one, which you have been enacting digitally as a way of compensating for your overwhelming physical, mental and artistic inadequacies.