Uncle John’s 24-Karat Gold Bathroom Reader® (3 page)
Read Uncle John’s 24-Karat Gold Bathroom Reader® Online
Authors: Bathroom Readers’ Institute
INTRODUCTION
W
ELCOME TO OUR GOLDEN 24th
After one score and four years of bringing
Bathroom Readers
to our growing legion of throne-sitters, we’re rolling along stronger than ever! And in a way, we feel like we’re just getting started. In fact, one of our favorite articles in this new edition,
Uncle John’s 24-Karat Bathroom Reader
, chronicles people who have been in the same job for more than
70 years
! How do they do it? Simple—they love showing up to work every day.
And so do we.
We never know what golden nugget of information is out there, just waiting to be mined. Like the fact that the Soviet Union’s 1957 launch of
Sputnik I
into space was part of a much bigger plan enacted by the world’s leading scientists (page 255), or that for all his genius, automobile pioneer Henry Ford was actually a
horrible
businessman (page 486). That’s just fascinating! Yeah, we could definitely stand another 50 years or so of sharing this stuff.
And here’s the best part: All
you
have to do is start reading. Here’s a bit of what awaits you...
•
Origins:
The Tupperware Lady that time forgot, the history of the humble umbrella, and the inventor of the toilet tank flap
•
Helpful hints:
How to run a clock on potato power, how to measure distances with your thumb, and why you should never say “fanny pack” in Australia
•
Pop science:
What is nano-gold, and could it be a cure for cancer? All about metal, a bra that may help you breathe, the used space suit that became an orbiting ham radio, and the notorious nuclear accidents now known as the “Curse of the Demon Core”
•
Odd happenings:
The guy who got inflated by his semi-truck’s pressure hose, the lady who cracked an egg on a TSA agent’s head, and the tale of the Swedish shotgun-guitar
•
Bizarre eats:
Caffeinated marshmallows, hair remover in breakfast sandwiches, and a cocktail made from rattlesnake blood
•
Critters and beasties:
Scary spiders, horse-racing lingo, how fishes got their names, and an octopus with an attitude problem
•
Strange places:
Travel beneath Paris and Atlanta.
Don’t
travel to two forbidden Islands—one in the Bay of Bengal, and the other in the middle of the Pacific. (But you can read all about them.)
•
That’s entertainment:
Bill Murray’s tall tales; how MacGyver always escaped; all about
The Price Is Right
; and the story of what
really
happened to Michael Jackson, Elizabeth Taylor, and Marlon Brando after the 9/11 terror attacks
•
Games people play:
Football...Canadian style, legendary sports goofs, action figure facts, a killer video game, Parcheesi, and the athletic shoes that tore apart a family
and
a town
•
Forgotten history:
Jack Daniels’s untimely end, what Nikola Tesla said to Mark Twain, and why Americans don’t speak French
•
Wordplay:
Funny license plates (like “GOTTA P”), plus a cacophony of caca words, and why Comic Sans is the world’s most reviled font
Before you dive in, we’d like to take a moment once again to thank our dedicated team of writers, researchers, editors, designers, and everyone else who helped make this book glitter. Give yourselves a gold star! And a big welcome to Kim, the latest writer to be “institutionalized” at the BRI! Bet you didn’t think it would be
this
crazy, Kim. (Insert maniacal laugh here.)
So, just like the element gold is ever malleable but always full of luster, we plan on shining and increasing in bathroom-reading value for decades to come. Happy reading. And as always...
Go with the Flow!
—
Uncle John, Felix the Dog, and the BRI Staff
We’ve been having a lot of fun at our website,
www.bathroomreader.com
. Check it out.
It’s always interesting to find out where the architects of our culture get their ideas. Some of these may surprise you
.
T
HE GRINCH.
Dr. Seuss’s 1957 book
How the Grinch Stole Christmas
was illustrated in black and white, but in 1966, when the book was made into a TV special—in color—animator Chuck Jones decided to make the Grinch green. Why? Jones had always loved the “ugly” shade of a green car he’d rented once, but never knew what character to give it to...until the Grinch.
TWITTER.
Jack Dorsey got the idea for a micro-blogging web-site, in part, from listening to “the way cab drivers and dispatchers succinctly convey locations by radio.” He designed Twitter to do the same thing: to convey important information quickly.
SUE SYLVESTER.
The mean high-school cheerleading coach on Fox’s Glee is based on
American Idol
’s Simon Cowell. Said actress Jane Lynch: “Simon and Sue say the things people wish they could in their jobs or at their school, but can’t.”
NELSON MANDELA.
The South African political leader was born in 1918 as Rolihlahla Mandela. His grade-school teacher couldn’t pronounce his first name, so she called him “Nelson,” after British naval hero Lord Horatio Nelson. The name stuck.
ANCHORMAN
.
In 2002 Will Ferrell was watching a documentary about pioneering TV journalist Jessica Savitch, who became the first female newscaster at a Philadelphia station in the early 1970s. When a former coworker described how chauvinistically he and his male colleagues had treated her, Ferrell got the idea to tell Savitch’s story, but from the men’s point of view.
SHERIFF WOODY.
The
Toy Story
character was named after one of director John Lasseter’s heroes, Woody Strode—the first African American to play in the NFL (LA Rams, 1946), and later an actor in dozens of movies, including
The Man Who Shot Liberty Valence
(1962) and
Spartacus
(1960).
Heads up! It’s not unusual for porcupines to fall out of trees.
Real—and really odd—excuses filed on car insurance claim forms
.
“I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.”
“I thought my window was down but I found it was up when I put my head through it.”
“The other car collided with mine without giving me warning of its intention.”
“To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian.”
“I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.”
“Going to work at 7:00 this morning I drove out of my driveway straight into a bus. The bus was 5 minutes early.”
“My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.”
“I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat I found that I had a fractured skull.”
“I didn’t think the speed limit applied after midnight.”
“Windshield broken. Cause unknown. Probably voodoo.”
“I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way.”
“I started to slow down, but the traffic was more stationary than I thought.”
“I bumped into a lamppost which was obscured by human beings.”
“I knew the dog was possessive about the car, but I would not have asked her to drive it if I thought there was any risk.”
“First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car, and a haggis ran into the rear of second car.”
“No one was to blame for the accident but it would never have happened if the other driver had been alert.”
Since the 1770s, there has been a global flu pandemic about once every 20 years.
The U.S. seems to run on caffeine—90 percent of adults consume it every day. But the demand for an energy boost is so strong that it can now be found in all sorts of unusual products, far beyond coffee and energy drinks
.
M
arshmallows.
Remember the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man who wreaks havoc on New York City at the end of
Ghostbusters
? Stay Puft Marshmallows were fictional... until ThinkGeek licensed the name and image to sell mail-order marshmallows. A box of 24 costs $20, but it’s worth it—each piece contains as much caffeine as half a cup of coffee.
Beef Jerky.
Guarana, a caffeine-rich South American fruit that’s been used for centuries, is now a common ingredient in energy drinks like Red Bull and Rockstar. It can also be used as an ingredient in marinade. That’s how Perky Jerky can be beef jerky that’s infused with caffeine. (Also available: Turkey Perky Jerky.)
Popcorn.
Ordinary caramel corn will probably give you energy—it’s loaded with sugar and carbohydrates, after all. Biofuel Caffeinated Popcorn, however, has a caffeine-laced caramel coating. One bag provides as much stimulation as three cups of coffee.
Bloody Marys.
The Bloody Mary is an alcoholic drink—many consider it a “hair of the dog” cure for a hangover. Hot-D Wake Up Juice caffeinated Bloody Mary mix contains tomato juice, hot sauce, and all the other usual ingredients along with a cup of coffee’s worth of caffeine to really help you recover from the night before.
Breath spray.
Available in mint or cinnamon, Primer Energy Breath delivers 33 mg of caffeine in one spray into the mouth. That’s as much as half a cup of coffee, but it doesn’t have to pass through the stomach, so it’s absorbed into the bloodstream immediately.
Water.
Drinking coffee is the most common source of caffeine, but what if you hate the taste? Believe it or not, there’s Water Joe—caffeinated water. The caffeine is flavorless, and one bottle has as much stimulant as a cup of coffee. (Ironically, caffeine dehydrates you, so after you have Water Joe, you’ll probably want to drink some
decaf
water.)
Number of footballs made exclusively for use in the Super Bowl every year: 72.
Caution: Reading the definitions of these obscure words may lead to sophomania
.
Castrophenia:
The belief that one’s thoughts are being stolen by enemies.
Eugonic:
Rapid and luxuriant growth, such as bacteria bred in labs (and teenagers).
Rhytiscopia:
A neurotic preoccupation with wrinkles.
Nyctalopia:
An inability to see at night.
Gyrovagues:
Medieval Christian monks who wandered from monastery to monastery, or traveling salesmen and others who go door to door.
Tegestologist:
A collector of beer coasters.
Limophoitos:
Insanity caused by lack of food.
Ventoseness:
A tendency to fart.
Necromimesis:
A morbid state in which the sufferer believes himself to be dead.
Cumberworld:
One so idle as to be a burden on his friends.
Ozostomia:
Evil-smelling breath.
Maulifuff:
A woman who makes a fuss about everything but does little or nothing.
Frugivore:
An animal that eats fruit, such as the orangutan, whose diet is 65% fruit.
Collywobbles:
Intestinal cramps, such as colic, or a feeling of apprehension.
Quodlibetarian:
One who argues about anything.
Chiliarch:
In ancient Greece, the commander of 1,000 men (
chilioi
, a thousand;
archos
, leader).
Booboisie:
Coined in the 1920s by social critic H.L. Mencken to describe the gullible masses. A parody of the French word
bourgeoisie
.
Orchiectomy:
From the Greek word
orkhis
(testicles), the surgical removal of one, or both.
Flyspecked:
Marked with tiny stains from the excrement of flies.
Sophomania:
A delusional state in which the sufferer believes he or she is of exceptional intelligence.
Largest national forest in the US: the Tongass, in Alaska. It’s larger than West Virginia.
OOPS!
Everyone loves tales of outrageous blunders, so go ahead and feel superior for a few moments
.
D
IVERSIFICATION OF FUNDS
None of the news reports explained exactly
how
Mr. Lin managed to drop the bag full of money into an industrial shredder, but all agreed that it was an accident. In December 2010, the distraught Taiwanese factory owner called his local government office in a panic, explaining that his 200,000 Taiwan dollars (about $6,000 U.S.) had been reduced to a pile of shreds. Luckily for Mr. Lin, the Taiwanese government has a policy of repairing damaged money for free. They put their best forensics worker, Liu Hui-fen, also known as the “jigsaw expert,” on the job. Working around the clock for a week, she was able to piece together every single bill to at least 75 percent of its former shape, which qualifies it as legal tender. Then Mr. Lin traded in the tattered currency for brand-new bills...which he vowed to keep safely away from his industrial shredder.