Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader Wonderful World of Odd (21 page)

NAME:
Daniel Wildman

ACT:
“The Bee Wrangler”

STORY:
Here’s his act: He rode a bicycle around a circus ring while a swarm of bees covered his face. Then he’d tell the bees to fly to a specific location…which they did.

NAME:
LaRoche

ACT:
“The Human Ball”

STORY:
LaRoche (born Leon Rauch in Austria in 1857) would stuff himself in a brightly colored, two-foot-wide metal ball and then roll uphill to the top of a 30-foot-high, narrow spiral track. He did it so smoothly that it appeared as if the ball had magically moved upward on its own. In fact, the audience didn’t even know anyone was inside until LaRoche popped out of the ball when he’d reached the top.

NAME:
Bernard Cavanagh

ACT:
“The Starvationist”

STORY:
In the 1830s and ’40s, Cavanagh amazed large crowds
with his claims that he had gone long periods of time—weeks on end—without eating or drinking. He had himself confined without food in a London prison cell for a week in 1841 to prove it. Cavanagh claimed he once even went five years without nourishment. But he was exposed as a fraud when a woman caught him backstage eating sausage, bread, and a quarter pound of ham.

NAME:
Tommy Minnock

ACT:
“The Singing Martyr”

STORY:
Minnock was one of America’s most popular vaudevillians in the 1890s. Every night, he’d sing a popular song of the day called “After the Ball Is Over” while he hammered nails into his own hands and feet, attaching himself to a wooden cross.

*       *       *

nuclear safety inspector

monorail conductor

food critic

sailor

soldier

teacher

talk show host

trucker

musician

telemarketer

mascot

marriage counselor

carny

chauffeur

missionary

candle maker

superhero

snowplow driver

car designer

butler

blackjack dealer

horse trainer

pilot

artist

oil rig worker

mall Santa

town crier

fish gutter

bodyguard

film critic

bartender

panhandler

minister

juvenile hall guard

professional arm wrestler

voice actor

roadie

motivational speaker

CEO

baby proofer

mob boss

chiropractor

chief of police

used-car salesman

ambulance driver

fortune cookie writer

sanitation commissioner

clown

agent

informant

mayor

personal assistant

roadside corn salesman

greeter

bootlegger

smuggler

railroad engineer

pretzel inspector

attack dog trainer

astronaut

activist

choreographer

plus-sized butt model

Every time Uncle John sees an airplane, he marvels that a heavier-than-air machine can fly. Here are a few more mind-bogglers from the world of human flight.

H
I JACK! HOW YA’ DOIN’?

Shortly after a Mongolian Airlines passenger flight landed in Ulan Bator in 2006, four men jumped out of their seats and loudly announced that the plane was being hijacked. “These hooligans went up to the pilots’ cabin and tied up the pilots and threatened four passengers and kept them in the plane,” a passenger later recounted. “They hit one woman and knocked her down.” The standoff lasted about an hour until all of the passengers and crew were freed. Only later did the airline find out that the “hijacking” was actually a secret training exercise conducted by the Mongolian Central Intelligence Agency. The airline was incensed that they weren’t alerted beforehand. The CIA argued that announcing it would have ruined the test—which, they added, the airline failed miserably. As for the passengers, many are suing the CIA (including the woman who was knocked down).

Sundays in downtown Montreal, Quebec, draw thousands of sightseers and shoppers. On one such Sunday in 2006, a single-engine Cessna interrupted the afternoon festivities when it landed on Parc Avenue, one of Montreal’s busiest streets. The pilot had alerted police that the plane’s engine had cut out, but there was no time to close the road. Amazingly, the pilot managed to not only land the plane safely, but he slalomed through the heavy traffic without hitting a single car or pedestrian. (The landing wasn’t completely perfect, though—one of the plane’s wings slightly clipped a street sign.)

An RAF Nimrod, a British search-and-rescue plane, was on a flight in 2006 when a small hatch—used for dropping homing beacons from the plane—didn’t close correctly. The hole let
swirling winds into the plane, so the crew searched the cabin for an object to plug it with. They found something that fit almost perfectly: a teapot. Government officials called into question the safety of the Nimrod fleet (which had suffered a fatal crash a few months earlier), but the Royal Air Force calmly explained that at no time on this flight was the crew in danger; they merely plugged the gaping hole with the teapot for “comfort” reasons.

Onlookers were enjoying an air show in Hungary when one of the planes crashed into the crowd and injured six spectators, killing two of them. What makes this tragic story so odd is that this was a
model
airplane show. When asked to comment, a government spokesman could only say that this was “the first time in the history of Hungary that a person was killed by a model airplane.”

On November 28, 2006, a British Airways flight took off from London headed to Boston. Three hours into the six-hour flight, a 75-year-old American passenger in business class suffered a massive heart attack. Calls for a doctor were made, there was a commotion among the flight attendants, but to no avail—a few minutes later, the man was dead. Now the question was: what to do with the body for the rest of the flight? Business class was full. So was coach. There were, however, a few empty rows in first class. Solution: move the body to first class.

Not surprisingly, this plan didn’t go down well with the first-class passengers, who watched in horror as four flight attendants carried the body to an empty row. They put the man in a seat, reclined it, fastened the seatbelt, and put a blanket over his body…but not over his head, which flopped to one side. “It was a very strange and unsettling thing to experience,” said one passenger, who had until then been enjoying the inflight movie,
Mission Impossible III
, when the corpse was placed across the aisle from him.

Another passenger told reporters, “I felt quite uneasy. But most of the passengers were being very British about it and simply not acknowledging that there was anything wrong.”

Uncle John loves shopping through the newspaper ads—he never knows what he’ll find for sale. But sometimes the ads themselves are the best part.

F
or sale:
Antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

Two wire-mesh
butchering gloves, one 5-finger, one 3-finger. Pair: $15.

Dog for sale.
Eats anything and is especially fond of children.

Our sofa
seats the whole mob and it’s made of 100% Italian leather.

Joining nudist colony
, must sell washer & dryer. $300.

For sale
—Eight puppies from a German Sheppard and an Alaskan Hussy.

American flag
, 60 stars, pole included: $100.

Star Wars
job of the hut—$15.

Wanted: Chambermaid
in rectory. Love in. $200 a month. References required.

Free:
Farm kittens. Ready to eat.

Wanted:
50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.

Ecology Freak
wanted for relevant work. Could be lucrative. Will be interesting. Call EARTH.

Man wanted
to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

Wanted:
Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business, and be willing to get hands dirty.

Wanted:
Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

Long-haired freaks
and weird chicks wanted. Earn $2 an hour plus food and booze for being obscene at Establishment parties. We rent beautiful people to squares.

Wanted:
Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

Our experienced Mom
will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

Sometimes politics gets so absurd that it seems the major political parties must be kidding. They’re not...but these odd political parties from around the world definitely are.

P
ARTY:
Guns and Dope Party

COUNTRY:
United States

PLATFORM:
Founded by conspiracy theorist Robert Anton Wilson, this party’s platform is similar to the Libertarian party, which strongly supports personal freedoms, including gun ownership and legalized drugs. The difference: the Guns and Dope Party advocates that supporters vote for themselves as write-in candidates in every election and wants to replace one-third of Congress with ostriches.

PARTY:
Extreme Wrestling Party

COUNTRY:
Canada

PLATFORM:
This party was formed in Newfoundland in 1999 after former professional wrestler Jesse Ventura’s win in Minnesota’s 1998 gubernatorial election. Party leader Quentin Barboni took control when he beat 11 other wrestlers in an each-man-for-himself wrestling “battle royale” match.

PARTY:
McGillicuddy Serious Party

COUNTRY:
New Zealand

PLATFORM:
Formed by a group of comedians and street musicians, this party stood candidates in every federal election in New Zealand from 1984 to 1999. Among the group’s aims were to institute a Scottish monarchy in New Zealand, replace paper money with chocolate, raise the school graduation age to 65,and lower the speed of light to 60 mph. McGillicuddy Serious also wanted to restrict voting rights among humans to women under the age of 18, but wanted to extend the rights to hedgehogs and trees.

PARTY:
Two-Tailed Dog Party

COUNTRY:
Hungary

PLATFORM:
The party is “led” by a two-tailed puppy named “Istvan Nagy,” which is a common, generic Hungarian name (like “John Smith”). The idea behind running a dog for office is that something cute couldn’t be dishonest. In the 2006 federal election, the party promised eternal life, world peace, two sunsets a day, one-day workweeks, free beer, less gravity, and the construction of a mountain on the Great Hungarian Plain.

PARTY:
Absolutely Absurd Party

COUNTRY:
Canada

PLATFORM:
AAP advocates want to lower the legal voting age to 14 because “when was the last time a 14-year-old started a war?” Among the party’s other ideas: the candidate coming in dead last wins the election; parliament seats should be won in a raffle, and the Department of Defense should be replaced with a team of Rock, Paper, Scissors experts.

PARTY:
Church of the Militant Elvis Party

COUNTRY:
England

PLATFORM:
This political group, founded in 2001 by “Lord Biro,” wants to overthrow capitalism. Reason: capitalism leads to a free media, which Biro blames for turning Elvis Presley into a fat, drug-addicted shadow of his former slim self.