Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader Wonderful World of Odd (22 page)

PARTY:
Official Monster Raving Loony Party

COUNTRY:
England

PLATFORM:
Founded in 1983 by a musician called “Screaming Lord Sutch,” the party seriously calls for redistribution of wealth and food for the poor, but also advocates for a few very bizarre principles. For example, the OMRLP is against England adopting the euro—they want Europe to adopt the English pound (and also wants to introduce a 99p coin to “save on change”). Amazingly, some of the OMRLP’s policies have actually been adopted as laws, including lowering the voting age to 18 and issuing passports to pets.

Here are some of the peculiar playthings that toy companies pitched to kids in the 1950s and ’60s. Uncle John actually remembers some of these toys and offers this observation: “Odd then; still odd today.”

W
ITCH DOCTOR HEAD SHRINKER’S KIT

The Product:
As it says—a (plastic) head shrinking kit

The Pitch:
“Into the deepest jungle went Pressman Toymakers, looking for something new. The secret they brought back for you is incredible! The Pressman Witch Doctor Head Shrinker’s Kit! Plastic flesh, mixing cauldron, and petrifying potion. Just pour it into the mold and in minutes you can add monster hair! Paint it with the coloring kit included, or make up your own decorations. In 24 hours, the heads shrink, shrink down. Shrunken heads for all occasions! Collect ’em, swap ’em. Give them to your witch doctor friends. You can always cook up more, with Pressman’s Witch Doctor’s Head Shrinker’s Kit.”

The Product:
How do you sell dull old railroad trains during the Cold War era? By adding nuclear missile cars.

The Pitch:
“Hi! This is my friend the Grumman Tiger fighter plane. It’s a jet, and I’m Ralph Donnell, a test pilot. It takes a lot of training to control one of these babies; my son Wayne will learn someday. Right now, though, he’s getting ready by learning to control a Lionel Electric Train. With a Lionel Train, you not only get locomotives and cars, but all sorts of missile and rocket equipment, too! You can learn to operate these Lionel missile launchers. And fire this ballistic missile launcher by pressing a button. Wow! And look! You can put this boxcar target together and blow it up again and again. Remember kids, you’re in control—you’re the boss on the Lionel line!” (Also available: the Lionel Turbo Missile Firing Car, the Lionel Reconnaissance Copter Car, and the Lionel Aerial Target Car.)

The Product:
Tiny battery-powered robots

The Pitch:
“You’re witnessing the creation of an entire new world. A world of unbelievable excitement and fun. The world of the Ding-a-lings! Holy smokes, what’s going on? It’s Ding-a-ling Fireman coming to the rescue! He’s got his own built-in pumper to save the day. Ding-a-ling Shoeshine gives you the brightest shine you’ve ever seen! Ding-a-ling Answer Man’s got all the answers in his head. Push the lever, and he’ll tell your future. Ding-a-ling Chef salts your food, and Ding-a-ling gofer serves it to you!… Stand back, world—there’s a whole new one on the way. The wild, wonderful, wacky world of the Ding-a-lings!”

The Product:
A cowboy hat with a hidden derringer cap gun that pops out when you push a hidden button

The Pitch:
“Hi fellas! Say, that’s a pretty tricky hat, isn’t it? Partners, how would you like to surprise your pals like that? Well you can with my new Roy Rogers Quick Shooter Hat. It’s by Ideal. And here’s how the Quick Shooter Hat works: Just press this secret button right here, and a replica of an authentic western pistol pops out and fires! It’s your secret weapon, even when they think you’re unarmed. So get Ideal’s new Roy Rogers Quick Shooter Hat at your favorite store today. And you’ll always be ready for anything!”

The Product:
A plastic hardhat with a giant lighting apparatus on top

The Pitch:
“Jet pilots wear ’em! Skydivers wear ’em! Racing drivers wear ’em! And now you can join the men of action with the most amazing speed helmet ever made, the exciting new Super Helmet Seven! Afoot! Afloat! Racing! Driving! Bike riding! It helps keep you safe, even at night! Only Super Helmet Seven does all this: One—red flasher signals automatically! Two—tinted goggles protect your eyes! Three—left and right direction lights! Four—reflector shows you’re up ahead! Five—warning buzzer clears the way! Six—Super Helmet Seven absorbs the shock!
Seven—powerful headlight flashlight: It’s removable! Boys who dare will want to wear new Super Helmet Seven! Super Helmet Seven! Super Helmet Seven!”

The Product:
There’s not much here to help a young detective solve mysteries—the set doesn’t contain a single crime-detecting tool—but there’s plenty he can use to gun down suspects.

The Pitch:
“It’s some fun when Snubby Gun plays Private Eye, and you can have the same kind of fun with Mattel’s Tommy Burst Detective set. The Tommy Burst tommy gun has automatic bolt action—fire off a burst of ten shots. Pull the bolt again—you’re re-loaded! Or fire single shots like a rifle. The Tommy Burst alone is $3.00. In the detective set, you also get the snub-nosed .38 and snap-draw shoulder holster. The pistol fires Greenie Stickem Caps and shoots Safe Shootin’ Shells. The exciting new Tommy Burst Detective Set includes wallet, badge, and ID card. $7.00, wherever toys are sold. You can tell it’s Mattel—it’s swell!”

The Product:
A blind-date fantasy board game for girls

The Pitch:
“Open the door for your mystery date! It’s Mystery Date! The thrilling new Milton Bradley game of romance and mystery that’s just for you! And you! And you! And you! Mystery Date! Will you be ready for swimming, or a dance? When you open the door, will your mystery date be a dream, or a dud? Fun and surprises! That’s Mystery Date! Open the door for your mystery date!”

The Product:
The two-in-one gun you never knew you always wanted—a rifle that’s a squirt gun
and
a cap gun

The Pitch:
“Hey Tommy, what’s going on?” “I’m trying out my new Dick Tracy Power Jet Gun—it’s made by Mattel! It fires caps, and that’s not all, it fires water, too.” “Water?” “It shoots about 30 feet—single shots and rapid fire! You can fire about 30 shots before reloading. It’s the first gun EVER that shoots caps and water too! Or if you want, it shoots just caps or just water. You can tell it’s Mattel—it’s swell!”

The Product:
A set of three plastic robots

The Pitch:
“The Zeroids are here—from the planet Zero. The Zeroids! Zerac, the Zeroid commander, frees himself from his own Zeroid capsule. Advance! Zobor, the Zeroid transporter. Change his Zeroid capsule into a cosmobile for hauling! Zintar, the Zeroid explorer. Change his Zeroid capsule into a lunar sled! Command the Zeroids to defend, move forward, backward, and transport! Command the Zeroids from Ideal!” Zzzzzzzz.

The Product:
This Vietnam-era set lets a boy nation-build right in his own backyard.

The Pitch:
“All the equipment you need for fun and excitement in the Gung Ho Commando Outfit, by Marx! There’s a battle map and direction-finding compass. A cap-shooting automatic pistol with gun belt and holster. A helmet, a canteen, complete mess kit, and poncho! You get a cap-firing Gung Ho hand grenade! And look here—this flashing, battery-powered machine gun with moving ammo belt shoots rapid-fire bullets! There’s a real-looking walkie-talkie, too, and a field pack. You get medals and battle ribbons, even dog tags! It’s all for fun and excitement! Get the outfit with all the equipment you need. The Gung Ho Commando Outfit, by Marx!”

*       *       *

In the 19th century, raiding freshly dug graves to supply medical schools with cadavers was a lucrative business. But a national outcry was raised in 1878 when someone recognized a corpse lying in the dissecting room of the Ohio Medical College as that of Congressman John Scott Harrison. Harrison, the son of one American president (William Henry Harrison) and father of another (Benjamin Harrison), had died a few days earlier, and the medical school had unwittingly purchased his body from thieves who had exhumed it during a nighttime cemetery raid. The Harrison family returned the body to its tomb, and the state of Ohio soon passed strict penalties for graverobbing.

We thought we were adventurous when we first tried sushi. But when it comes to weird food, it turns out raw fish is only the tip of the iceberg. Here are some local “delicacies” to sample the next time you’re in these countries.

N
ANKOTSU.
Normally you take the hard, bony stuff out of chicken before you eat it, but this Japanese snack
is
the bony stuff. It’s bits of chicken cartilage from the leg joints and not surprisingly, it’s described by one food critic as “kind of hard and chewy.” You can get it fried or on a shish kabob stick, and it’s a favorite with cold beer.

JELLIED EELS.
Still a favorite streetside food in the east of London. The eel is boned and cooked in simmering water for about a half hour, then gelatin is added to the water and the whole thing is allowed to cool and harden. Served with meat pies, mashed potatoes, and beer, jellied eel is often doused with chili-flavored vinegar.

DUCK FEET.
This is a Chinese favorite. The webbed duck feet are usually braised and then eaten as a snack with soy sauce.

COD TONGUE.
Everybody’s heard of cod liver oil, which is made from the fish’s liver (it’s an excellent source of vitamins A and D and omega-3 fatty acids). If that isn’t strange enough for you, how about a cod’s tongue? It’s a favorite in Newfoundland, Canada. The tongues, served battered and fried, are said to be “chewy.”

HELMET.
This can be purchased from street vendors in the Philippines. What is it? Barbecued chicken heads. (Before they’re barbecued, the beaks are removed.)

SURSTROMMING.
In May and June, Swedish fishermen catch huge numbers of Baltic herring. To make this dish, the herring are soaked in a brine solution for a day, then cleaned, then packed into wooden barrels, and put in the sun for 24 hours to induce
fermentation. The next day, the barrels are placed in a cool room…where they remain for several months. Then the fish is canned. The raw fish continues to ferment in the can, so the cans in the store actually bulge out. You have to cover them with a cloth before opening, because they
will
spurt out juice. (Most people open them outside.) The smell is described as exceedingly powerful and exceedingly offensive. Comparisons range from extremely rotten fish to horribly rotten eggs to dirty feet to garbage that’s been left out in the sun. Surstromming is eaten—by many people in Sweden—with thin, hard bread and boiled potatoes, and accompanied with milk and distilled alcohol.

DUCK TONGUE.
Pink, fleshy, and six to eight inches long, they’re considered a delicacy in parts of China, and reportedly have a soft, chewy bonelike center.

FRIED PIG BLOOD.
A common food in rural Hungary. After slaughter, the pig’s blood is collected and usually fried with scrambled eggs.

BETAMAX.
No, no one eats video cassette tapes. But in the Philippines they eat blocks of cooked chicken blood that
look like
video cassette tapes. Really. And that’s really what they’re called on the street.

CHICKEN SASHIMI.
It’s raw chicken, served like sushi with rice, soy sauce, and wasabi. Scary—but it’s supposedly very good.

*       *       *

Officials in the Bosnian town of Banja Luka announced plans in 2006 to build an enormous monument to the town’s most important product: cabbage. “Our region is famous for cabbage,” said tourism director Goran Peric. “We very much appreciate this vegetable.” Local artists were called on to help design the giant cabbage; Peric said construction should start sometime in 2007.

Here’s to the people who live life on their own
unusual
terms.

T
RY TO WORM YOUR WAY OUT OF THIS!

William Lyttle, a 71-year-old retiree in Hackney, East London, has an odd hobby: He likes to dig tunnels in his yard. In 2001 he made news around the world when a huge crater formed in the street in front of his home because of one of his tunnels. That was just a small part of a vast underground network that “The Mole Man,” as neighbors called him, had been digging for more than 40 years. The tunnels are more than 25 feet deep and spread out in every direction from his basement. In 2006 Lyttle made the news again when he was evicted from his home and officially barred from any more digging. Engineers said they feared the entire street and several nearby homes, as well as Lyttle’s own 20-room house, were in danger of disappearing into the ground. Lyttle was put up in a hotel room while city engineers began filling the holes with cement. The Mole Man has never said much about his life’s work, once telling the
Guardian
, “I just have a big basement.”