Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader Wonderful World of Odd (4 page)

Students, workaholics, and narcoleptics can finally keep their eyes open with this simple device. Attach the gentle alligator clips to
your eyelids, then set the padded ring—attached to the clips with short tethers—on top of your head. Keeps your eyes open no matter how late it is or how boring the lecture.

For millions of years, mothers have enjoyed bonding with their babies through the experience of nursing. Now Dad can finally feel the joy of breast-feeding, too. Twin breast-shaped bottles attach to a harness that the father wears like a brassiere. Fill them with formula or breast milk, and let the bonding begin.

These are just what they sound like: little nets, similar to the kind you catch goldfish with, attached to clamps that sit on the shoulders of your jacket or blouse. Large enough to catch any falling or flying earring, these ensure you never lose another one.

*       *       *

• One of the most popular toys of the 2006 holiday season, FurReal Friends Butterscotch Pony, had this disclaimer on the package: “Pony comes unassembled in box with head detached. You may wish to not open the box around your children if they may be frightened by a box with a decapitated horse inside.”

• A street musician from the Dutch town of Leiden was so inept at playing his saxophone that local shop owners called the police. After hearing the man play, the cops confiscated his instrument.

• According to a study by researchers from the University of Tennessee College of Medicine and the B’nai Zion Medical Center in Israel, there is a cure for hiccups: “Rectal massage.”

• Centerville, Ohio, is commonly referred to as “the geographic center of the United States.” But it’s not—the real geographic center is a hog farm near Lebanon, Kansas.

• A cornfield in Queen Creek, Arizona, was planted and plowed into the likeness of Arizona Diamondbacks slugger Luis Gonzalez, who observed, “It’s amazing to see your face on ten acres of corn.”

If
Uncle John’s Wonderful World of Odd
isn’t quite odd enough for you, here are some even weirder books to look for.

T
he Toothbrush: Its Use and Abuse
, Isador Hirschfield (1939)

The Romance of Leprosy
, E. Mackerchar (1949)

Sex After Death
, B. J. Ferrell and D.E. Frey (1983)

American Bottom Archaeology
, Charles John Bareis and James Warren Porter (1983)

The Resistance of Piles to Penetration
, Russell V. Allin (1935)

Flashes From the Welsh Pulpit
, J. Gwnoro Davies (1889)

Constipation and Our Civilization
, J. C. Thomson (1943)

Making It in Leather
, M. Vincent Hayes (1972)

The Foul and the Fragrant: Odor and the French Social Imagination
, Alain Corbin (1986)

Queer Doings in the Navy
, Asa M. Mattice (1896)

Handbook for the Limbless
, Geoffrey Howsen (1922)

Eternal Wind
, Sergei Zhemaeitis (1975)

Why People Move
, Jorge Balan (1981)

Practical Candle Burning
, Raymond Buckland (1970)

The Romance of Rayon
, Arnold Henry Hard (1933)

Careers in Dope
, Dan Waldorf (1973)

What To Say When You Talk to Yourself
, Shad Helmstetter (1982)

Historic Bubbles
, Frederic Leake (1896)

How to Fill Mental Cavities
, Bill Maltz (1978)

A Do-It-Yourself Submachine Gun
, Gerard Metral (1995)

Nuclear War: What’s In It For You?
Ground Zero War Foundation (1982)

If you think radio talk shows get a lot of strange calls, take a look at some of the questions that the folks at the Butterball Turkey Talk-Line have fielded over the years.

D
IAL “T” FOR TURKEY

If you bought a Butterball Turkey in the 1970s, it would have included a sheet of cooking instructions, just like they still do today. But people still called the company to complain when their birds didn’t come out right, which made Butterball wonder if people even bothered to read and follow the instructions. Disappointing dinners make for poor repeat business, so in 1981 Butterball started printing a toll-free number on the packaging and inviting customers to call in with any cooking questions they might have.

In those days 800 numbers were fairly rare, and the idea of calling one to get free cooking advice was a novelty. The company wasn’t sure that callers would get the concept or even understand that the long-distance call was free. But they hired six home economists, set them up with phones in the company’s test kitchen, and waited to see if the phone would ring. They were flabbergasted when more than 11,000 people jammed the line during the holiday season, especially on Thanksgiving, when the company figured hardly anyone would bother to call. An American institution was born.

Today Butterball has an automated phone system (and a Web site) to handle the most frequently asked questions. Still, more than 100,000 people call in each year to talk to the 50 turkey experts who now staff the phones from November 1 through December 25. The advent of cordless and cellular phones has put the Talk-Line in even greater demand: People now call right from the dinner table to have someone talk them through the carving of the bird.

What’s your favorite way to cook a turkey? Over the years, Butterball has tried to come up with cooking tips for every weird turkey fad that has come down the pike. In the early 1980s, they
perfected a technique for cooking a turkey in the
microwave
—which, believe it or not, was the third-most popular question in those days. (By 1987 it had dropped all the way to #20.) Do you cook your turkey in a big brown paper bag? In a deep fryer? In a pillowcase smeared with butter? On a countertop rotisserie? The Butterball people won’t always approve, but they will try to help.

Butterball has fielded some pretty bizarre questions over the past 25 years. Here are some favorites, along with the answers:

• Should I remove the plastic wrap before I cook my turkey?
Yes.

• I don’t want to touch the giblets. Can I fish them out with a coat hanger?
Yes.

• Can I poke holes all over the turkey and pour a can of beer over it to keep it moist?
You’ll do more harm than good—the skin keeps the moisture in. Poking holes in it will dry it out.

• Can you thaw a frozen turkey using an electric hair dryer? Or by wrapping it in an electric blanket? In the aquarium with my tropical fish? In the tub while the kids are having their bath?
No, no, no, and no. If you’re in a hurry, thaw the turkey in the kitchen sink by immersing it in cold water. Allow half an hour per pound, and change the water every half hour.

• How can I thaw 12 turkeys all at once?
The caller was cooking for a firehouse, so Butterball advised them to put them all in a clean trash can and hose them down with a firehose.

• The family dog bit off a big piece of the turkey. Can the rest of it be saved?
Maybe. If the damage is localized, cut away the dog-eaten part of the bird and serve the rest. Disguise the maimed bird with garnishes, or carve it up out of view of your guests and serve the slices. The less your guests know, the better.

• The family dog is
inside
the turkey and can’t get out.
A few years back, Butterball really did get a call from the owner of a Chihuahua that climbed inside the raw bird while the owner’s back was turned. The opening was big enough for the dog to get in, but not big enough for it to get back out. The turkey expert instructed the owner on how to enlarge the opening without injuring the dog.
(No word on whether the bird was eaten.) Butterball has also fielded calls from owners of gerbils and housecats. “I was told not to talk about that,” one Talk-Line staffer told a reporter in 1997.

• I need to drive two hours with my frozen turkey before I cook it. Will it stay frozen if I tie it to the luggage rack on the roof of my car?
The caller was from Minnesota, so the answer was yes. If you live in Florida, Hawaii, or Arizona, the answer is no.

• I’m a truck driver. Can I cook the turkey on the engine block of my semi while I’m driving? If I drive faster, will it cook faster?
There’ve been cases in wartime where soldiers cooked turkeys using the heat from Jeep engines, but Butterball gives no advice on the subject.

• I scrubbed my raw turkey with a toothbrush dipped in bleach for three hours. Is that enough to kill all the harmful bacteria?
The
heat of the oven
is what kills the bacteria; scrubbing the turkey with bleach makes it inedible. (In extreme cases like these, or anytime the Talk-Line staffers fear the bird has become unsafe to eat, they advise the cook to discard the bird, eat out, and try again next year. If the caller can’t imagine Thanksgiving without turkey, they can get some turkey hot dogs.)

• I didn’t want to cook the whole turkey, so I cut it in half with a chainsaw. How do I get the chainsaw oil out of the turkey?
Toss the turkey and go get some hot dogs.

• The turkey in my freezer is 23 years old. Is it safe to eat?

Butterball advised this caller that the bird was safe, but that it probably wouldn’t taste very good. “That’s what we thought,” the caller told the Talk-Line. “We’ll give it to the church.”

• How long does it take to thaw a fresh turkey?

• How long does it take to cook a turkey if I leave the oven door open the entire time? That was how my mom always did it.

• Does the turkey go in the oven feet first, or head first?

• Can I baste my turkey with suntan lotion?

• When does turkey hunting season start?

• How do I prepare a turkey for vegetarians?

Statistics don’t lie: The world’s gone crazy.

• According to
Popular Science
magazine, 1,000 fans holding up cigarette lighters at a rock concert will produce about 2.6 pounds of carbon dioxide.

• The average pitch of Australian women’s voices has decreased by 23 hertz since 1945.

• Harvard’s library has two books bound in human flesh.

• One in four British veterinarians say they’ve treated a drunken dog.

• Since 1990, cheerleading injuries in the United States have increased by 110%.

• Since 1960, there have been 55 movies that feature an albino villain.

• It costs the U.S. Treasury 1.73¢ to make and distribute a penny.

• On his Web site, singer Art Garfunkel keeps a full list of the books he’s read since 1968. As of October 2006, he’d read 980.

• Each year, approximately 13 people die from being crushed by falling vending machines.

• Three people die annually from using their tongue to check if a battery works.

• Parasites account for 0.01% of the average person’s weight.

• 40,000 Americans participate in “fantasy fishing” leagues.

• Three sisters in Scotland have a $1.84 million insurance policy to cover the cost of raising Jesus Christ, should he be born to one of them.

• In a recent poll, 1% of Americans named Jesus “the greatest American of all time.”

For eight centuries their winters were clouded in darkness…until one man had a bright idea.

W
INTER’S SHADOW

Nestled in the Alps, the Italian town of Viganella is a beautiful place to live…some of the time. Unfortunately, on November 11 the sun disappears behind the steep mountains and doesn’t return for 84 cold, dark days. It’s been like this since the town was founded, nearly 800 years ago.

How do the residents deal with it? Most of them don’t stick around once they reach adulthood, leaving this dwindling town with mostly older people and fewer and fewer children to replace them. In fact, Viganella has been on the brink of extinction for centuries. Today there are less than 200 people left, and most of them aren’t a happy lot, suffering from winter depression.