Uncle John’s Unsinkable Bathroom Reader (10 page)

SHOW
:
Mr. Dugan

STORY
: In 1978 the title character of
Maude
got elected to Congress and moved to Washington, but after two episodes, star Bea Arthur got bored with the concept and quit. Producer Norman Lear quickly reworked the show to make it about James Dugan, a freshman African-American congressman, starring Cleavon Little (
Blazing Saddles
) in the title role. A few weeks before the show’s heavily advertised 1979 debut, Lear screened the show for black members of Congress. They hated it, finding it to be full of stereotypes. One member called it “demeaning” and threatened to organize a boycott of CBS. Lear promptly ended production on
Mr. Dugan
.

Take martial arts, add explosions, gunplay, ridiculous dialog, and some watered-down Eastern philosophy…and what do you have? The films of Steven Seagal
.

Senator Trent:
You can take that to the bank!

Mason Storm (Seagal)
: I’m gonna take you to the bank, Senator. To the blood bank!

—
Hard to Kill

Monkey:
Want some blow?

John Hatcher (Seagal)
: Yeah, I want some blow. Put your hands where I can see ’em or I’m gonna blow your head off!

—
Marked for Death

Hatch:
What the hell are you doing here?

Jack Taggert (Seagal)
: Well, I was just out taking a Sunday stroll. But I guess maybe it’s not Sunday.

—
Fire Down Below

“Love is eternal, and that’s a long time.”

—
Ticker

“I guess it doesn’t really matter since I kind of blew up all the evidence.”

—
On Deadly Ground

“I’m gonna cut off your feet and throw them in that basket there. Cute, huh?”

—
Above the Law

“I love giving away all my possessions. It makes me feel real spiritual.”

—
Marked for Death

George:
Did you really beat a suspect unconscious with a dead cat?

Orin (Seagal)
: No. The cat wasn’t dead.

—
Exit Wounds

“I want to kill you so bad, I can hardly contain myself.”

—
Hard to Kill

“If your daddy knew exactly how stupid you were, he’d trade you in for a pet monkey.”

—
Fire Down Below

“One thought he was invincible, the other thought he could fly. They were both wrong.”

—
Marked for Death

Jordan:
I hate being alone.

Casey Ryback (Seagal)
: Do you hate being dead?

—
Under Siege

“What am I doing? Oh, I’m making a bomb.”

—
Under Siege 2

Oil spills get all the press—but what about Legos? Sneakers? TNT? It turns out that a lot of strange things end up in our oceans
.

T
HE SS
TOKIO EXPRESS
Lost Cargo:
Toys
What Happened:
In February 1997, a rogue wave struck the
Tokio Express
off Lands End, England, knocking several cargo containers into the sea. Inside the containers: 4,756,940 Legos, including tiny frying pans, witch hats, and countless Lego scuba tanks, life preservers, rafts, spear guns, and other sea-themed Legos. Some of the toys washed up on the shores of England; others drifted all the way Florida. Those Legos are not alone: Shipping containers fall into the sea all the time. During the stormy winter season it’s not uncommon for as many as 500 containers to fall off the world’s ships
every month
, and many of them burst open when they hit the water. If the cargo inside is buoyant, it can float for months or even years before washing ashore somewhere in the world.

Lost Cargo:
Bombs

What Happened:
In August 1944, this American cargo ship ran aground and broke in two in the Thames Estuary in southeast England. It was carrying 6,127 tons of explosives—including more than 13,000 bombs weighing 250 pounds each—bound for U.S. military forces in France. About half the deadly cargo was salvaged in the weeks that followed. The rest, including more than 1,400 tons of TNT, remain on or near the wreck today, in water so shallow that parts of the ship can be seen poking out of the water.

Whether the passage of time has made the wreck more or less likely to explode is debatable. Opinions are similarly divided over whether the wreck should be cleaned up, detonated, “contained” inside a massive concrete barrier, or just left alone. When an attempt was made in 1967 to remove munitions from a similarly laden Polish ship that sank in the English Channel in 1946, the wreck exploded with a force equivalent to an earthquake measuring 4.5 on the Richter scale. If the
Richard Montgomery
ever blew
up, it’s estimated that the blast and resulting tsunami would do $1.8 billion worth of damage to nearby coastal communities. The British government says the risk of such an explosion is “remote,” but it has established a 24-hour guard to keep divers and pleasure boaters away…just in case.

Lost Cargo:
Sneakers

What Happened:
In May 1990, the freighter was traveling from South Korea to the United States when it encountered a violent storm off the Alaskan Peninsula. By the time the storm passed, 21 cargo containers had been washed off the deck and into the sea, including five containers holding an estimated 80,000 Nike sneakers and work boots. When the soggy but still wearable shoes began washing up along the coasts of Washington and Oregon, local residents used the serial numbers to match left and right shoes and created pairs that could be worn or sold. “Meet and Match” days were even organized for people to get together and swap shoes.

Lost Cargo:
Automobiles

What Happened:
In 2002 the Norwegian
Tricolor
sank after colliding with another cargo ship while both were trying to avoid a third ship in heavy fog. The
Tricolor
was carrying 2,862 brand new luxury cars, including BMWs, Volvos, and Saabs. Because it sank in shallow water in one of the busiest sea lanes in the world, the
Tricolor
could not be left where it was; instead, it was cut into nine sections that were recovered one by one in a salvage operation that took 15 months. The cars were recovered, too, but they had to be written off as a total loss. Estimated retail value: $105 million, making this arguably the biggest “car wreck” in history.

•
The
Hyundai Seattle
(1994)
: 34,000 hockey gloves, chest protectors, and shin guards.

• The
Hengtong 320
(1997)
: 480,000 cans of Chinese beer.

• The Diamond Knot (1946)
: Seven million cans of salmon, or roughly 10% of Alaska’s salmon catch for the year. Half of the cans were later “vacuumed” up from the wreck and salvaged.

These vintage kids’ games don’t involve TVs or high-tech computers—just a bunch of kids who want to have fun. If you’ve got a few bored youngsters hanging around, teach them how to play…and maybe even join in yourself
.

G
AME: Follow the Leader
HOW IT’S PLAYED
: A “leader” is chosen by drawing straws, or by consensus. Everyone else forms a line behind that person. The leader then leads the procession around the room, and each follower must mimic the leader’s actions (like twirling around three times, jumping in the air, and shouting “Potatoes!”) as closely as possible. Those who don’t mimic the leader correctly are out of the game, and the last person standing is the next leader.

GAME: I Spy

HOW IT’S PLAYED
: One kid looks around a room or yard and gives a clue about a chosen object, such as “I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with the letter
W
. The rest of the kids have to guess what it is; if nobody can, the spy continues with more clues until someone guesses what it is. The correct guesser becomes the next leader. (The object in the example: a Wurlitzer.)

GAME: Indian Wrestling

HOW IT’S PLAYED
: This was taken, so the story goes, from an actual game played by Native Americans (although the tribe has never been identified). In any case it’s a fun game: Two players lie on their backs next to each other, head to toe, and lock arms. They each raise one leg—the one closest to the other player—straight up three times, counting “one, two, three” as they do. On the third lift they quickly interlock their legs and, like arm wrestling, they each attempt to pull the other player’s leg over and touch their opponent’s foot to the ground.

GAME: Memory

HOW IT’S PLAYED
: Place 10 to 15 small items—a pencil, a
paper clip, a key, and so on—on a tray. One person is the “monitor,” and makes a list of all the items. The rest of the players sit in a circle, and the monitor places the tray—with a towel over it—in the middle of the circle. The monitor takes the towel off, and the kids get to look at the items for a specific length of time (20 to 60 seconds), after which the towel is replaced. Then the kids, in order around the circle, attempt to name one item on the tray. When an item is named, the monitor crosses it off the list. If a player can’t name an object—no repeats—they’re out. Last person in wins.

GAME: Statues

HOW IT’S PLAYED
: One player—often called “grandmother” or “grandfather”—stands at the end of a room facing away from the other players. She yells “Go!” and the others race toward her. The first person to tag her wins…but there’s a catch: Grandmother may turn around suddenly any time she likes, at which time the other players must stand stock still…like a statue. If grandmother sees you moving, you’re out!

GAME: Duck, Duck, Goose

HOW IT’S PLAYED
: A group of kids sit in a circle, facing inward. One kid—the “goose”—walks around the circle tapping each sitting child on the head, saying “duck” each time, until she decides to say “goose.” The “goosed” child jumps up and chases the goose around the circle, trying to tag her before she can reach and sit in the empty spot. If the goose is caught, she’s still the goose. If not, the goosed duck is the new goose.

GAME: Sardines

HOW IT’S PLAYED
: This version of “Hide and Seek” was (and presumably still is) more popular in the U.K. and Canada than in the United States. A group of players close their eyes and count to an agreed upon number (50 or 100 or whatever) while one player goes and hides. When the number is reached, the seekers split up and search for the player. If a seeker finds the hider, the seeker hides, too, as close to that person as possible. The game goes on until only one player is still looking for the seeker, and the hiders are all packed together…like sardines.

Crystal lakes, snow-capped mountains, hockey, Mounties, universal health care, bilingual traffic signs…and some really, really weird news stories
.

N
EWS JUNKIE
In 2007 the
Edmonton Sun
interviewed a 70-year-old woman identified only as “Maggie” who claimed she devoured the
Edmonton Sun
every day—literally. For the previous seven years, she’d cut the newspaper into strips and eaten it because, she said, it “tastes good.” The woman decided to come forward after doctors removed a massive ball of paper that was lodged in her esophagus.

In 2007 Christopher Emmorey tried to rob a bank in Peterborough, Ontario. Instead of asking a teller for all the money, for some reason Emmorey demanded just $5,000. The teller replied that she had only $200 on hand, adding that because he wasn’t a customer of that bank, he’d have to pay a $5 withdrawal fee. Emmorey waited while the clerk did the paperwork—which he signed—and gave him $195. He was arrested an hour later.

In 2002 a group of softball players met in a Calgary park for a late-night game. At the next field over, a group of croquet players were also playing a late-night game. A few hours later, six players from both groups were in the hospital (two were seriously injured)—the result of a brawl over which sport was the “manliest.”

La Fromagerie Boivin, one of Quebec’s largest cheese manufacturers, dropped about a ton of cheese into the Saguenay River in 2004. They thought that aging the cheese underwater for twelve months would give it extra moisture and improve its taste and texture. Did it work? We may never know. In October 2005, the cheesemaker announced that despite the use of thousands of dollars
in high-tech locating equipment, divers were unable to find the 2,000 pounds of lost cheese.