Uncle John’s Unsinkable Bathroom Reader (6 page)

D
ON’T MAKE THE BUNNY ANGRY
Linda Mellberg of Vaasa, Finland, heard a ruckus in her farmyard in June 2008, and looked outside to see three crows harassing a hare. The hare responded by catching one of the crows by the neck and killing it. Mellberg grabbed her camera and filmed the rest of the battle, during which the two remaining crows screeched and dive-bombed the hare repeatedly while it thrashed their dead friend. Mellberg told reporters she thought the crows may have angered the hare by attacking its litter of babies.

A 13-year-old Cambodian boy was fishing with his father in May 2008 when a poisonous puffer fish became trapped in his net. After he waded into the water and freed the fish, it swam straight for the boy’s testicles and bit them several times. Luckily the boy wasn’t stung by the fish’s spines (they’re the poisonous parts), but he did require hospitalization…for his very personal fish story.

In 2007 Timothy Mortimore of Torquay, England, broke up with his girlfriend, Lee Armor, after a six-month relationship. The woman was pregnant…and so upset that Mortimore was leaving that she let him know in a text message. Then she sent another one…and another…and another. Over the next two months she sent him 10,843 text messages. That’s an average of one every eight seconds. She also made angry phone calls, sent angry video messages, and made angry visits to his home. Mortimore finally called police, and Armor was ultimately fined £200 (about $400) to cover court costs and banned from any further contact with Mortimore. (It was later determined that he was not the father of Armor’s child.)

Wall Street stockbroker Christopher Carter, 44, was in Manhattan’s exclusive Equinox gym in August 2007, taking a “spinning” class (i.e., riding stationary bikes). The guy two bikes down from him, investment banker Stuart Sugarman, 48, was a loud and exuberant participant, and often grunted, whooped, and yelled things like “You go girl!” That, apparently, got on Carter’s nerves. He told Sugarman to “Shut the %#@* up,” then ran over, grabbed the front of Sugarman’s bike, and flipped it (and Sugarman) into a wall. Sugarman suffered a concussion and six injured vertebrae, and was in the hospital for two weeks. Carter was charged with assault, for which he could have spent a year in prison, but he was found not guilty. (Jurors later said that they would have been annoyed, too.)

Adrienne Samen of Manchester, Connecticut, got married in 2003. The reception was held at The Mill on the River restaurant and, by all accounts, she had a good time. At the end of the evening the bar closed, which apparently upset the bride. Samen, who, at 18, was too young to drink anyway, proceeded to throw anything and everything she could find, including bottles, glasses, silverware, chairs, tables, wedding gifts, and even the wedding cake. Police were called and had no trouble identifying the drunken woman in the wedding dress walking down the road. Still angry, she bit one of the officers on the arm while they were trying to get her in the car. She was convicted on charges of criminal mischief and fined $90. “This behavior,” the judge told her in court, “does not bode well for the well-being of your marriage.”

Contrary to the long-held scientific belief that belly-button lint accumulates downward from the upper body, researchers at Sydney University in Australia now believe that lint moves upward from the underwear.

Here’s a crop of common words that have farm-related origins
.

D
ELIRIUM
Meaning:
Mental disturbance
Origin:
The Latin root of this word is
deliriare
, meaning “to go off the furrow,” or to not plow in a straight line.

Meaning:
To hesitate

Origin:
From the Middle English noun
balca
, referring to a ridge of unplowed land between two fields. The modern verb came about because horses approaching such a ridge would often hesitate.

Meaning:
A door sill or any kind of boundary, real or imagined

Origin:
The Old English word for the stone or timber at the floor of an entryway was
prescold
, from
prescan—
meaning “thresh,” to trample grain.

Meaning:
Someone hired for low-quality work

Origin:
It came to modern English in about 1700 from the Middle English word
hackney
, which meant “an ordinary horse.”

Meaning:
A high ministerial official or law officer

Origin:
Appearing in the 1300s, from the Old High German
marahscalc
, and combination of
marah
, meaning “horse,” and
scalc
, meaning “servant.” It referred to a servant in charge of stables.

Meaning:
A scoundrel or criminal

Origin:
Its root is the Middle Latin word
villanus
, or “farmhand.” (A
villa
is a farm or country estate.) The word entered the English language around 1300 meaning “lowborn,” which evolved over the centuries into a person who commits crimes or ill deeds.

Dozens of American towns have special claims to fame: They have the “world’s largest” something. Here are some examples
.

• LOON (Virginia, Minnesota).
Sitting on Silver Lake is this steel and fiberglass bird, which measures 20 feet across. It’s been tethered to the bottom of the lake since 1982. (The original loon was stolen in 1979.)

• BALL OF STRING (Weston, Missouri).
This 19-foot-wide, 3,712-pound ball of string was made by a farmer in the 1950s. It now it sits on a red, white, and blue platform in a local bar.

• BASEBALL BAT (Louisville, Kentucky).
This 120-foot, 34-ton, hollow steel bat rests against the Louisville Slugger Museum.

• TIME CAPSULE (Seward, Nebraska).
It’s not just a box in the ground—it’s a 45-ton vault, buried in 1975. There are more than 5,000 items from the 1970s inside, including a leisure suit and a Chevy Vega. (It’s scheduled to be opened in 2025.)

• GOLD NUGGET (Las Vegas, Nevada).
It was discovered in Australia in 1980 and purchased by the Golden Nugget casino for $1 million. It weighs 62 pounds and it’s the size of a cat.

• THERMOMETER (Baker, California).
At the gateway to Death Valley, one of the hottest places on Earth, stands this working thermometer, which is 134 feet tall to commemorate the highest temperature ever recorded at Death Valley: 134°F (1913).

• FISHING BOBBER (Pequot Lakes, Minnesota).
It’s called “Paul Bunyan’s Fishing Bobber” (but it’s really just the town water tower painted red and white to resemble a piece of tackle).

• COWBOY BOOTS (San Antonio, Texas).
They’re white and brown, and 40 feet tall. They sit outside Saks Fifth Avenue.

• CHEST OF DRAWERS (High Point, North Carolina).

Honoring the region’s furniture industry is this 80-foot-tall chest, built by the Furnitureland Store.

Anyone who grew up in the 1950s or ’60s probably remembers the “mental hygiene” and “good citizenship” films that were shown in school, featuring important information on topics like health, nutrition, and dating. Here are some memorable ones. (And they’re all real
.)

A
RE MANNERS IMPORTANT
?
(Encyclopedia Brittanica Films, 1954). Mickey is a rude little boy who thinks that “manners are just for grown-ups.” He realizes he’s wrong and starts to be more polite when nobody will sit with him at lunch, and when he has a nightmare in which he imagines he’s president, he abolishes manners, and the entire world attacks him.

BEGINNING TO DATE
(Encyclopedia Brittanica Films, 1953). George wants to take Mildred to the Winter Frolic at the community center, but he’s never dated before and doesn’t know how. He asks his swim coach, who gives him advice like “keep trying” and possible conversation topics, such as Mildred’s new dog.

CINDY GOES TO A PARTY
(Young America Films, 1955). Cindy is a 12-year-old tomboy, and because of that, doesn’t get invited to a birthday party. She goes to bed sobbing, but is awakened by her fairy godmother who gives her a frilly dress and takes her to the party. At the party, the fairy waves her wand and party etiquette rules appear on the screen. Samples: “Don’t break things” and “Leave on time.”

HEALTHY FEET
(Coronet Instructional Films, 1958). Tom is a popular teenager. Why? Because he takes good care of his feet. He always dries between his toes, checks for fungus, and cuts his nails evenly so as not to contract foot problems such as bunions, blisters, and ingrown toenails (all graphically illustrated).

IT’S ALL IN KNOWING HOW
(Chicago Film Studios, 1954). Bob’s life is a mess—his girlfriend thinks he’s boring and his football playing isn’t what it used to be. Bob’s coach tells him how to fix it: Eat the right foods, like three pats of butter and two quarts
of milk every day. (The film was co-produced by the National Dairy Council.)

WARNING FROM OUTER SPACE
(Professional Arts, 1967). Aliens from the Galaxy Zeta are flying past Earth in their spaceship when their video screen picks up images of humans smoking. Alarmed, the aliens kidnap five human smokers and warn them that if they don’t all stop smoking, they will end up like the Zetas—nearly eradicated. All the dialogue is spoken in rhyming couplets.

GOING STEADY
(Coronet Instructional Films, 1951). Jeff and Marie are two teenagers seeing each other exclusively. They learn from the adults around them why this is wrong—getting too attached may make them give in to their “urges.”

BODY CARE AND GROOMING
(Audio Productions, 1947). Rather than watch pretty girls walk by, a teenage boy prefers to sit outside on a nice day and read a book. But he’s not the one with the problem—it’s the sloppily dressed girl who doesn’t get his attention. The girl gets a magic makeover (her socks get pulled up and her skirt gets ironed). The boy finally notices her, throws down his book, and chases after her. The film also includes grooming tips such as “wear deodorant” and “cut your fingernails.”

ARE YOU POPULAR?
(Coronet Instructional Films, 1947). The audience is shown two girls: Caroline, “the kind of girl you’d like to know,” is popular because “there’s no scandal about her.” Ginny, meanwhile, “dates all the boys.” Despite the fact that Ginny is clearly more popular (at least with boys), the film argues that Caroline is actually the one more people like because she’s a “good girl.”

IT’S WONDERFUL BEING A GIRL
(Audio Productions, 1966). A 12-year-old girl named Libby dreads menstruation and is worried that she “won’t like it.” Her mother relieves her fears by bringing home a wide range of feminine hygiene products. (The film was sponsored by Modess, a manufacturer of feminine hygiene products.) By the end, Libby is excited about menstruation and proud that she’s growing up.

Do you think that’s a clever title for this article? That’s amazing! So do we
!

D
REAM A LITTLE E-S-P
On the night of Friday the 13th in June 2008, Tony Nutbrown of Carlisle, England, had a dream in which he won the Lotto grand prize. The 54-year-old had played every week for 13 years, but had very little to show for it. Still, the next morning he went to the shop where he always bought his tickets, bought one…and that night won the £3 million ($5.9 million) grand prize. But the really weird part is what happened when Nutbrown called his daughter, Claire, who owns a beauty salon in Hull, 170 miles away. When he told her he’d won the lottery, she said that a woman she didn’t know had come into the shop that day and predicted that someone in her family was going to win the lottery. “She said this peculiar thing,” Nutbrown told the London
Mail
, “and then left without another word. Then, that night, I won the jackpot.”