Uncle John’s Unsinkable Bathroom Reader (43 page)

Bonus trivia:
The final scene of
The Silence of the Lambs
, in which Hannibal Lecter says to Agent Starling over the phone, “I’m having a friend for dinner,” was filmed at an airstrip on tiny North Bimini Island.

5. BARRACUDA POINT.
Located off Sipadan Island in Malaysia, Barracuda Point has many colorful coral and fish species and other amazing flora and fauna, and the water’s warm and clear, so you can see it all. But the most amazing thing about this dive locale is that at any moment you may find yourself in the middle of what is called a “barracuda tornado”: thousands of the slender, frightening-looking fish, some up to six feet long, forming huge hollow cylindrical towers, swimming in a seemingly choreographed procession. It is considered one of the most exhilarating events in diving. (Luckily, barracudas rarely attack humans.)

6. THE
HISPANIA
.
The SS
Hispania
was a 236-foot Swedish steamship that attempted to pass through the treacherous Sound of Mull between the Isle of Mull and the west Scottish coast during a brutal storm in 1954. She ran aground on a reef known as
Sgeir More
, or Big Rock, and sank to the bottom about 85 feet down. (The crew survived; the skipper refused to leave the ship and was last seen standing in the bridge, his hand raised in a salute, as it went down.) The spookily intact ship still stands where it landed, almost upright, covered in orange and white sea anemones. Experienced divers can swim into it and below decks to encounter fish and other marine life that have made the ship their home.

7. BLUE SHARK ISLAND.
This is a dive site near Catalina Island, a small, rocky island off the coast of California, south of Los Angeles. For a reasonable price, you can go out on a small boat with experienced divers. Then you can help them cut up some fish. And then you can throw the fish parts (called
chum
) into the water…and help lower the dive cage.
Then
you can climb inside the dive cage and get up close and personal with large blue sharks! And if you want to, you’re free to jump in the water
outside
the cage and get even more up-close to the sharks…along with the fish parts and blood and all that. Along with blues, the area is also home to mako, soupfin, and leopard sharks, and if you’re lucky you might spot the rare, raylike angel shark. And if you’re
really
lucky—or really
un
lucky—you might see a great white shark. They’re not uncommon, with specimens approaching 20 feet long seen in the area. To a shark that big, you’d be just another piece of fish parts. So good luck, chum!

These days it seems that people will sue each other over practically anything. Here are some real-life examples of unusual legal battles
.

T
HE PLAINTIFF
: Caryl Dontfraid
THE DEFENDANT
: Binder & Binder, a New York City law firm

THE LAWSUIT
: In 2004 Dontfraid, a paralegal at Binder & Binder, told her employer that she suffered from
seasonal affective disorder
, a form of depression triggered by a lack of sunlight in the winter. She asked to work from home, but her request was denied. Ten days later, her department was moved to a different floor, further reducing Dontfraid’s access to sunlight. She asked her supervisor for a desk by a window, so he gave her a spot three feet away from one, but she refused it and was fired. Three years later, Dontfraid sued her former employer for $33 million.

THE VERDICT
: Pending. But Dontfraid’s attorneys probably will have an uphill battle trying to argue their client’s disability claim—Binder & Binder specializes in disability claims.

THE PLAINTIFF
: Joyce Walker

THE DEFENDANT
: Cook County, Illinois

THE LAWSUIT
: In 2003, while working as a clerk at Stroger Hospital in Chicago, Walker walked out of the ladies’ room and slipped on a banana peel (seriously). She injured her knee, missing 12 weeks of work and requiring injections of anti-inflammatory drugs. She sued Cook County, which ran the hospital, for an undisclosed sum.

THE VERDICT
: In 2007 Walker and the county agreed to a settlement. Millions? No, $4,110. “It’s the cost of doing business,” said county commissioner Liz Gorman.

THE PLAINTIFF
: Tomas Delgado

THE DEFENDANT
: The family of Enaitz Iriondo

THE LAWSUIT
: While driving in Haro, Spain, in 2004, Delgado hit a teenager on a bicycle and dragged him for 340 feet. The bicyclist, 17-year-old Enaitz Iriondo, was killed instantly. A Spanish
court ruled that although Delgado was speeding, Iriondo was also partially at fault because he wasn’t wearing reflective clothing. Delgado’s insurance paid $48,500 to Iriondo’s parents. Case closed? No. In 2006 Delgado sued Iriondo’s family for $30,000—to pay for the damage to his car (plus the cost of a rental while it was being fixed). “It’s the only way I have to claim my money back,” he told reporters.

THE VERDICT
: The case was widely reported by Spanish news media. Result: On the verge of a ruling in 2008, a large mob of angry protesters gathered outside the courthouse where the case was being tried…and Delgado withdrew his suit.

THE PLAINTIFF
: Cleanthi Peters

THE DEFENDANT
: Universal Studios Florida

THE LAWSUIT
: In 1998 Peters, 57, and her 10-year-old granddaughter went though the Halloween Horror Nights haunted house at Universal Studios in Orlando, Florida. Just as they were about to exit the ride, an employee dressed as Leatherface, the masked chainsaw killer from
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre
movies, ran up to Peters and her granddaughter and pretended to attack them. As they ran for the exit they slipped on a wet spot on the ground, and then Leatherface crouched over them with his chainsaw (it was a prop). Two years later, Peters sued Universal for $15,000, claiming to have suffered “extreme fear, emotional distress, and mental anguish.”

THE VERDICT
: Settled out of court.

THE PLAINTIFF
: Macrida Patterson

THE DEFENDANT
: Victoria’s Secret

THE LAWSUIT
: In May 2007, Patterson was putting on a pair of blue Victoria’s Secret “Sexy Little Thing” thong underwear when a rhinestone heart that adorned the front of the garment came loose, flew up, and struck her in the eye. It was so painful that she required hospitalization, where tests revealed her cornea was cut in three places. In June 2008, Patterson sued Victoria’s Secret for $25,000 for selling her a defective product.

THE VERDICT
: Pending, although Patterson’s credibility might have been damaged by the fact that she went on
The Today Show
to talk about the lawsuit before she actually filed it.

Comedy quips scientifically proven to make you feel better
.

“Laughter is the best medicine…unless you have facial injuries.”

—
Linda Smith

“I bought a book on hair loss, but the pages kept falling out.”

—
Jay London

“Another term for balloon is ‘bad breath holder.’”

—
Demetri Martin

“My credit is so bad I need a cosigner to play Monopoly.”

—
Joanna Briley

“I saw a truck today with a sign that said ‘Driver has no cash.’ I’m broke, too. But I don’t plaster it all over the side of my car.”

—
Margaret Smith

“My father always used to say, ‘What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger’…until the accident.”

—
Jimmy Carr

“I’ve killed so many house-plants. I walked into a nursery once and my face was on a wanted poster.”

—
Rita Rudner

“Why is there an expiration date on yogurt? It’s bad milk with fruit in it. It should say, ‘Worse after August 3rd.’”

—
Eileen Kelly

“When I told my friends I was going to be a comedian, they laughed at me.”

—
Carrot Top

“The formula for water is H
₂
O. Is the formula for an ice cube H
₂
O squared?”

—
Lily Tomlin

“Well, my brother says hello. So, hooray for speech therapy.”

—
Emo Philips

“My son has a new nickname for me: ‘Baldy.’ Son, I’ve got a new word for you: ‘Heredity.’”

—
Dan Savage

“I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.”

—
Mitch Hedberg

“My friends tell me I have intimacy problems, but they don’t know me, so who cares what they think?”

—
Garry Shandling

If Uncle John ever became a rapper, he’d call himself “DJ Johnny Outhouzz.” Here are some other creative hip-hop names (and they’re all real)
.

• MC Pooh

• Del tha Funkee Homosapien

• Lil’ Scrappy

• Fed X

• Beat Bullies

• Chali 2na

• Bazooka Joe Gotti

• Dreddy Kruger

• Coo Coo Cal

• The Boss Hog Barbarians

• Uncle Murda

• Mr. Stinky

• Devastatin’ Dave: The Turntable Slave

• Stimuli

• Geologic

• B-Real

• Guccie Mane

• Atoms Family

• Thirstin Howl III

• Rappy McRapperson

• Yak Ballz

• Skull Duggery

• Eargasm

• Futuristic Sex Robotz

• Crunchy Black

• Optimus Rhyme

• Droop-E

• Sweet Tee

• Yo Yo

• Matlock

• Morris Minor & the Majors

• Beelow

• Flobots

• Cool Breeze

• Messy Marv

• Yung Wun

• Tha Alkaholiks

• Metafore

• Big Boi

• Madlib (
M
ind-
A
ltering
D
emented
L
essons In
B
eats)

Longtime BRI readers know that we’ve always had a fondness for dogs. Owney is one of the best ever
.

D
OG TIRED
One autumn day in 1888, a young, straggly, Terrier-mix mutt snuck into the Albany, New York, post office and went to sleep on top of some empty mailbags. The next morning, postal employees discovered him…and took a liking to him. They decided to let him stay at the office and gave him the name “Owney,” although nobody seems to know quite why.

Owney seemed strangely attached to the mail bags. He didn’t just like sleeping on them in the office; he sat on top of them in the mail wagons as they were taken to the railroad station to be loaded on mail cars. One day he went a little farther—literally—when he jumped into one of the train cars and made the trip from Albany to New York City, sitting on top of the bags. That, it turned out, was just the beginning.

The self-appointed mailbag guard dog started taking longer and longer trips, hopping from mail train to mail train, and would sometimes be away from the Albany office for months at a time. These weren’t chaperoned outings—Owney just went wherever he wanted, following the bags on their routes. At some point, the clerks in Albany attached a note to his collar, asking other clerks to look after the dog and to attach baggage tags to his collar so they could keep track of his travels. It quickly became clear that Owney was crisscrossing the entire country, and within a year clerks from New York to California—and even Mexico and Canada—knew him and considered him part of their large, postal family.

By the early 1890s, Owney’s exploits were known well enough within the postal community that John Wanamaker, the United States Postmaster General, ordered a special “doggie vest” for the pooch. They needed it to accommodate the growing number of
tags on his collar, which were so heavy that Owney could hardly lift his head.

In 1895 Owney made his way—via dozens of trains—to Tacoma, Washington, where the clerks there decided to put him on a mail ship. Next stop: Kobe, Japan, a trip the dog made officially registered as “Mr. Owney.” By this time, he was known around the world and in Japan was issued an imperial passport, leaving him free to travel aboard the trains wherever he liked. From Japan Owney traveled to China, back to Japan, Singapore, the Suez Canal, various stops along the North African coast, and then across the Atlantic to New York City. From there he went by train back to Tacoma, arriving on December 29, 1895, to the cheers of hundreds of fans. Owney had completed the around-the-world trip in just a little more than four months. Not bad for the 1890s…not to mention for a dog.