Uncle John’s Unsinkable Bathroom Reader (47 page)

Next, discard every deuce, three, four, five, six, and both jokers from the deck. You won’t use any of these to tell fortunes; you’ll use just the cards with a value of seven or above and the aces.

• Deal the Cards.
Shuffle the deck thoroughly. The person whose future is being told should cut the cards with their
left
hand (it’s closer to their heart). But before they put the two cut sections back together, remove the top card from the bottom pile and the bottom card from the top pile and set them aside. These are the “surprise” cards. Now deal the cards face down into three piles of ten cards each. From left to right, the piles will represent the past, the present, and the future.

Dividing the cards this way may shed light on the accuracy of a particular fortune-telling session: If the Past pile does a good job of describing the subject’s past, the Present and Future piles may be just as accurate. If the Past pile describes a past that is nothing like the real thing, you may want to re-shuffle and try again.

•
What About the Surprise Pile?
Does it refer to a surprise that will occur in the present, or in the future? We’re not telling (that’s part of the surprise).

Individual cards, combinations of cards, and whether the cards are right-side up or upside down will all affect how a fortune is read. Here’s a look at individual cards, by suit.

HEARTS

Heart cards have a special connection to love and marriage. They can also refer to family, workplace, or social relationships.

7 –
Serenity and contentedness
. When the card is upside down, it can mean boredom or weariness brought on by eating too much or by some other form of overconsumption.

8 –
Thoughts or dreams of marriage
. They could be the subject’s thoughts or those of someone close to them. The card could also represent the affections of a fair-haired or fair-complected person who is, was, or someday will be a part of the subject’s life, depending on which pile it’s in.

9 –
This is the wish card
. It could refer to one of the subject’s wishes, or a wish that someone has for them. The card can also represent good luck. When upside down, it can mean a sadness or sorrow that is short in duration.

10 –
Can mean happiness or success
. Under certain circumstances, it can cancel out the effect of nearby negative cards. Upside down: a worry that passes quickly.

Jack –
Symbolizes a carefree, pleasure-seeking bachelor
. Upside down: a lover in the military, law enforcement, or a similar profession who harbors a grievance or carries a grudge.

Queen –
A fair-haired woman
. (No word on whether dyed hair counts as the real thing.) Upside down: an unhappy relationship or love affair with this same woman.

King –
A fair-haired man who is generous in nature
. Upside down: the fair-haired man is disappointing in some way.

Ace –
A love letter or good news of some kind
. Upside down: a visit from a friend.

DIAMONDS