Uncle John’s Unsinkable Bathroom Reader (46 page)

How do sumo wrestlers get so big? They eat…and eat…and then eat some more. But there’s more to it than that. (Did we mention they eat?)

B
ACKGROUND
Sumo wrestling, often called Japan’s national sport, is said to date back to prehistoric times, though it only gained popularity as a spectator sport in the early 17th century. The concept is simple: The wrestler (or
rikishi
), wearing only a loincloth, loses the match if any part of his body (other than the soles of his feet) touches the ring painted on the floor, or if his opponent pushes or throws him out of the ring. Other than that, there are few rules in sumo wrestling, and a match can be over in a matter of seconds. One referee calls the match, and five judges must concur.

When they’re not competing, the wrestlers live together in
heyas
, or stables, buildings where they sleep, eat, train, and relax. Sumo is hierarchical: The high-ranking, older rikishis are at the top; the younger rikishis serve the older men, study their fighting techniques, and train for several hours a day. Until a wrestler reaches a high rank, he isn’t allowed to marry or leave the stable.

Boys who aspire to be rikishis attend after-school sumo classes, join sumo clubs, and participate in junior tournaments. Scouts from the stables tour the clubs looking for likely candidates (the minimum size requirements are 5'7" and 165 pounds), but they don’t just choose the biggest, fattest boys—obesity implies a lack of discipline that won’t hold up under the difficult training. Instead, the scouts look for sturdy bodies, strong backs, strong grips, speed, agility, and dedication to the sport. Once the boys pass their entrance trials and the medical exams, training begins at age 15.

The successful sumo wrestler is skilled, strong, and large. The skill and strength come from rigorous training; the bulk comes from rigorous eating. The younger rikishis awake at 5:00 a.m. and begin stretching, followed by foot-stomping, thigh splits, deep squats, and several other exercises. Then they compete in strenuous practice bouts for a few hours until the high-ranking members arrive
to instruct—and critique—them. And the young rikishis do all this on an empty stomach. Why? Because eating before exercising would kick-start their metabolisms, thus burning off the pounds they’re trying to put on. Only when the senior rikishis begin their own grueling practice do the juniors go off to prepare the huge midday meal. After all the wrestlers have eaten lunch, they take long naps. Exercising before eating keeps their metabolic rate low, which conserves calories and contributes to more weight gain; sleeping after eating encourages the body to store food as weight, instead of using it as energy. But the real key to sumo weight gain is the
amount
of food they eat.

The sumo wrestler’s staple dish is a hearty, high-protein stew called
chanko-nabe
, or
chanko
for short. And just as there are few rules to sumo wrestling, there are even fewer for making chanko. The main ingredient is either meat or fish, but never both. After that, almost anything can be mixed in. The junior rikishis prepare and cook the meat, and then make the broth with chicken bones, kelp (a kind of seaweed), and dried
bonito
(tuna) flakes. The broth is then seasoned with
miso
(soybean paste), soy sauce,
mirin
(rice wine), garlic, ginger, or sesame oil. Once the kettles begin bubbling, they add the solid ingredients: beef, pork, chicken, shrimp and other seafood, and then various combinations of tofu, onions, carrots,
daikon
(a kind of white radish), cabbage, mushrooms, greens, and other vegetables.

The senior rikishis eat first, served by the junior members. These men eat
a lot
of chanko—one wrestler is said to have eaten 29 pounds in a single sitting. They also consume several bowls of rice along with it, all washed down by several pints of beer. Because the senior members take all of the choice bits from the chanko, when the juniors finally get their turn to gorge, the leftovers often aren’t as tasty or nourishing, so they add rice, noodles, and eggs.

On tournament days, the preferred chanko meat is chicken. It’s considered bad luck to ingest any meat from an animal that’s down on all fours—such as pigs or cows—which is where a sumo wrestler does not want to find himself in a match. And fish, which lack arms and legs, are even unluckier.

The glory, honor, and fame—not to mention the salary—accorded a champion Japanese sumo wrestler are immense. Grand Champions may earn monthly salaries of about $25,000, plus bonuses paid six times per year based on their career performances to date. They also get prize money (roughly $90,000 for a win in the highest division) and “bout prizes” from sponsors (about $275 per sponsor). But success can come at a high price. Although sumo wrestlers have less actual fat, better reflexes, and more muscle compared to most men of equal height and weight, they face serious health problems that only get worse as they age. The average life expectancy of a Japanese man is 75; for sumo wrestlers it’s 65 or less, and many die in their mid-50s. At an average weight of 325 pounds, sumo wrestlers are also prone to the diseases and conditions associated with being overweight: adult-onset diabetes, high cholesterol, high blood pressure, arthritis, gout, and heart attacks. And their excessive alcohol consumption puts them at risk for liver diseases. Plus, most wrestlers suffer from knee and shoulder injuries. (Another problem that has cropped up in recent years: performance-enhancing drugs designed for extreme weight gain, which can put even more strain on a sumo wrestler’s heart. Recent allegations of drug abuse prompted Japan’s Sumo Association to begin a drug-testing program in 2008.)

One sumo wrestler who ate his fair share (and then some) is Konishiki Yasokichi, one of the greatest modern sumo champions. Born Saleva’a Atisano’e in Oahu, Hawaii in 1963, Konishiki is famous for two reasons: He was the first foreign-born wrestler to rise to the second-highest rank in sumo, and he was the heaviest sumo wrestler…ever. At six feet tall, Konishiki’s fighting weight maxed out at around 620 pounds. That earned him the nicknames “Meat Bomb” and “Dump Truck.”

After Konishiki retired (in the middle of a match) in 1997 just before his 34th birthday, he set his sights on a new goal: enjoying a long, healthy retirement. So far, he’s lost 70 pounds, has undergone gastric bypass surgery, and says he feels great. Today Konishiki owns a restaurant in Tokyo. Its most popular dish: chanko-nabe. “We offer three kinds,” he says. “The one I eat is low-cal.”

Ever wonder where these words came from
?
Here are the stories behind them
.

M
YSTERY
Meaning:
Something unknown or unclear
Origin:
“Words like ‘mystery’ and ‘mystify’ can sound as if they are connected with ‘misty,’ since mist can obscure clarity. But the two words are actually quite distinct in origin, with ‘mist’ being an Old English word, and ‘mystery’ ultimately deriving from the Greek
mystos
, which means ‘remaining silent.’” (From
NTC’s Dictionary of Word Origins
, by Adrian Room)

Meaning:
An adult, female human

Origin:
“Woman does not derive from man. It comes from the Old English
wifmann
, where
wif
meant ‘female’ and
mann
referred to a person of either sex. Thus,
wifmann
originally equated ‘female human.’” (From
Devious Derivations
, by Hugh Rawson)

Meaning:
Good, cool, agreeable

Origin:
“The term takes you back to the Hippie Sixties, but should actually take you even further back—to the 1930s. In France at that time, American musicians wanted to
groove
, slang for ‘make a record.’ The highest compliment that could be paid a musician or group was to tell them they were groovy—good enough to be recorded. The term spread to America in the 1950s; by the end of the Sixties, all kinds of things—not just music—were groovy.” (From
Abracadabra to Zombie
, by Don and Pam Wulffson)

Meaning:
A small amount of food eaten between meals

Origin:
“A snack is something grabbed in a hurry, from the Dutch
snacken
, meaning to snap at something, although that word was only used for dogs.” (From
Word Origins
, by Wilfred Funk)

Meaning:
Where you sit to watch a sporting event

Origin:
“Often said to come from the notion that people sitting in them would be bleached by the sun. (We’ll pass over the fact that people would actually tend to get darker by sitting in the sun.) The actual reason was that the benches themselves were bleached from the sun, and were hence also called ‘bleaching boards,’ referring to the plain boards on which people sat.” (From
Jesse’s Word of the Day
, by Jesse Sheidlower)

Meaning:
An indoor stadium

Origin:
“This word is now used for a sporting, athletic area, but it derives from the Latin word
arena
, meaning
sand
. How? Sand was sprinkled in the Roman Colosseum to absorb the gladiators’ and animal blood spilt during combats.” (From
Short Dictionary of Classical Word Origins
, by Harry E. Wedeck)

Meaning:
Deeply disturbing

Origin:
“A
harrow
is a farm implement—a heavy rake with many teeth, spikes, or discs, used to pulverize and smooth the soil of a plowed field to prepare it for planting. If such a contraption were ever hauled over you, you’d probably understand why
harrowing
is used to describe any frightening or distressing experience.” (From
Once Upon a Word
, by Rob Kyff)

Meaning:
A smash-hit movie

Origin:
“The term arose during World War II as Royal Air Force slang for an extremely large bomb, so powerful that it was capable of destroying an entire city block. After the war ended,
blockbuster
was appropriated by the advertising industry.” (From
The Word Detective
, by Evan Morris)

We keep thinking that we’ve seen every clever bumper sticker that exists, but every year readers send us new ones. Have you seen the one that says…

I’ll rise, but I won’t shine

I would never sell out unless I got a lot of money for it

Y
OU CAN PICK YOUR NOSE AND PICK YOUR FRIENDS, BUT YOU CAN T WIPE YOUR FRIENDS ON THE COUCH

C
LEAR THE ROAD
, I’
M
16!

A barrel full of monkeys would not be fun—it
would be horrifying

All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done

When in doubt, mumble

E
VERYTHING
I
NEED TO
KNOW I LEARNED IN PRISON

Caution: impending doom

ONE MORE REPO,
AND I’LL BE DEBT-FREE
!

I do what the bumper stickers tell me to

L
EGALLY, IT’S QUESTIONABLE
,
M
ORALLY, DISGUSTING
.
P
ERSONALLY
, I
LIKE IT
.

Don’t call me infantile,
you stinkybutt poophead!

When life gives you lemons,
shut up and eat your lemons

I
do
work for food

Follow your dreams, except
that one where you’re at
school in your underwear

Shh! I’m listening to a book

C’mon, give me the finger
like you mean it

The closer you get,
the slower I go

Watch out! I’m late for
Drivers’ Ed class!

Predicting the future using an ordinary deck of playing cards is a lot like reading your horoscope: Even if you don’t take it seriously, it’s fun to see what the cards have to say
.

D
EALER’S CHOICE
Playing cards date back more than 800 years, and it’s a safe bet that people have been using them to tell fortunes for almost as long. Because of this, there are more techniques than there are cards in the deck, but here’s a pretty good one.

• Prepare the Deck.
Take an old deck of 52 cards that you don’t mind marking up. Mark the bottom of each card with a pen so you can tell whether it’s right-side up or upside down when you deal it. Upside-down cards can mean the opposite of what they’d mean if they were right-side up, and in some circumstances they can modify or negate the meaning of cards that are nearby.