Under the Cornerstone (18 page)

“Why?” he asks quietly.

“Because I don’t want you here.”

“Why Noely?” he whispers and I look up to see moisture in his eyes.

“You have a girlfriend. You should go find her. Whatever you came here looking for isn’t going to happen.”

“I came here looking for my best friend, maybe even hoping to find the woman I love. I already told you she’s not my girlfriend,” he answers faintly with so much hurt in his words.

I don’t respond, because a million thoughts rush through my head all at once and nothing solid forms.

“What color is her hair, Noe?” he asks.

I look down at my feet to avoid this. I want to wish him away. I’m not done putting me back together. We can’t be Johnny and Noely again until I finish dusting myself off.

“What color, Noely baby?”

“I don’t care,” I tell him.

“Blonde. Her hair is blonde,” he answers his own question. “What color are her eyes?”

“Who fucking cares?” I spit out.

“I do. What color?” he asks again.

“I didn’t get fucking close enough to see the color of her eyes. I was too busy trying not to slap the cuntness right out of her,” I seethe.
My fists curl by my side and my breathing becomes labored as the anger takes over.

“Blue,” he says in a low tone. “Her eyes are blue.”

I look back up at him. He looks so fucking… defeated… desperate… anguished. He uses the back of his hand to wipe a tear away before I can see it, and then he turns slightly away from me and leans against the wall beside my door. He props one leg onto the wall and pushes a hand through his hair.

“Her eyes are blue and her hair is blonde because your eyes are blue and your hair is blonde. With Anna, I was trying to chase away your demons. With Carrie I was trying to replace you with the closest thing I could find.” He chuckles, “But she’s dumb as a box of fucking rocks. She has no artistic qualities whatsoever and she doesn’t get my fucking music. Shit, she doesn’t get me. She’s a raving bitch, and she’s needy as fuck. She’s the exact opposite of you. I was so mad at you, but when Ryan brought you in tonight I had to fight the old urge to scoop you into my arms. That pisses me off. It pisses me off because you were mine first. You were mine before you were Ryan’s, or Rich’s, or Jimmy’s, and I can’t touch or talk to you. Then Carrie acted like a complete bitch to you and I wanted to snap her head right off her neck. I realized how much I loathed her, but not until I saw you down in the crowd dancing your ass off like you didn’t have a care in the world. I played that entire show for you. I played it straight to you. One day I want to lock us away in a bar by ourselves and play for you just so I can watch you dance and lose yourself in my music, or fuck, anybody’s music while I play for you. I realized I’d never have that with Anna or Carrie.” He runs his hands over his face and his voice cracks, “I’m never going to find that with anyone else.”

I stare back down at my feet with a lump lodged in my throat. I fight back the emotions and the fucking flame he ignites inside of me. Silence stretches between us for minutes. Long minutes.

I continue to look down at my feet as he speaks again, “So I ditched Carrie and found out where you were staying. I’ve been waiting for over two hours trying to figure out what I’d say to you when you showed up. Then, as time passed, I was scared you’d gone home with Alex. I don’t think I’ve ever been as relieved as I was when I saw you smiling and practically dancing off the elevator. The only words I can come up with are, why? Why did you run away from me? Why’d you leave New York? Why didn’t you call me back? Why can’t I fucking have you? Why don’t you want me? Why is it so wrong to love you? Why don’t you love me back?”

“I do!” I practically scream at him.

“I don’t understand,” he pushes off the wall, turns to me, and closes the space between us. “Tell me, Noely baby.”

I stare up into his blue eyes and search for my words. I can’t fucking think when he’s so close to me. Over four months and thousands of miles didn’t help one damn bit.

“Please,” he begs quietly.

“I can’t breathe when you’re around! I can’t do this shit anymore!” I shout.

His hand quickly lands on my lower back and quickly pulls me to his chest. He looks down into my own blue eyes and searches them before he speaks softly, “Do what? You can’t do what anymore?”

“I can’t do this with you anymore! I can’t fucking breathe!” I scream and push against his chest, but he won’t let me go.

He moves us a few steps towards the door where my back lands against it. He doesn’t give me any space. I look down at his lips… fuck me.

“Where’s the key, Noe?” he asks as his fingertips trail down my jaw line.

I swallow hard under his intense stare and hand him my entire clutch. My brain isn’t firing on all cylinders. I won’t find it in the small bag.

Without breaking eye contact, he pops the clasp on my clutch, sticks his fingers in and pulls out the key card. Then he reaches behind me and slips it into the lock. The lock gives a chirp and he pushes the door open, then slowly walks me backwards into the room. We walk slowly through the suite as if we were on a Sunday stroll until the back of my knees hit the bed. He stops there.

“Why can’t you breathe, Noely?” he whispers against my lips.

I turn my head to avoid touching his lips. I can’t take it. I’m only human. I only have so much resolve.

“Tell me you don’t love me, Noe. I’ll leave you the fuck alone. I won’t bother you again. But either way you don’t get to walk out of my life after all this time. You’re in my life one way or another. I’m done dancing around your name. I’m done feeling like you’re a stranger.
I
can’t fucking breathe.
I
can’t fucking breathe every time I hear your name.
I
can’t fucking breathe every time I hear the guys talking to you. If you don’t love me then tell me now. We go back to being friends. I’ll never touch you like this again,” he says with his deep voice.

Unfortunately, his voice turns me on. It always has if I’m being honest.

“I…” my eyes fill with tears as I think about lying to him.

I should tell him I don’t love him. I should tell him he doesn’t affect me just because he’s in the same room. I shouldn’t say that seeing him with another woman makes me homicidal. I shouldn’t say that he’s what I think about when I make myself come.

“I love you, Noe,” he whispers against my ear. “I’ll always love you, but for fuck’s sake, please stop running and hiding from me. I can’t do this shit without you anymore.”

“What shit?” I stall.

“Live,” he answers quickly.

I close my eyes and the tears spill over the rims and leak onto my cheeks exposing just how much I love him, how much he affects me, and how much I can’t fucking breathe without him. He kisses my tears away, which only makes me cry harder. It’s so fucking stupid. He makes my ovaries all fucking mushy and then I turn into that crying girl.

“There’s always going to be someone else,” I finally tell him.

He pulls back and stares into me. He shakes his head with a furrowed brow.

“There will always be someone who wants you, whose had you, who will do anything to make sure you’re a notch on their bedpost. They’ll tell stories about you when they're old and gray. Brooklyn will have its own bridge club devoted to telling stories about the old days with Johnny Rome. There will always be someone trying to take what I want, what I love, and I can’t fucking live that way…” I continue.

Johnny interrupts me with an expression mixed with both disbelief and worry, “No, Noe. Fucking no! That’s why you ran from me?”

He takes a step away from me and runs his hands through his hair. God, I love when he does that shit. Then he starts pacing back and forth as he pulls on the ends of his hair.

“You told her you loved her! There will always be someone else waiting in the shadows. I can’t do that. I can’t do it! You told her you loved her, Johnny. Then you told me you loved me! What the fuck am I supposed to do with that? With you?”

He slaps his hand to his chest, “Love and trust me like you have for sixteen years, Noles. That’s what you do. I’ve never intentionally hurt you. I know I fucked up with the Tony situation, but I did not hurt you intentionally. You’re my fucking world. All these years… all these fucking years, I wait for your calls, texts, to see your fucking face. You’re the first thing on my mind when I wake up and the last when I close my eyes at night. It’s always been you!”

Tears roll down his own face as he opens the door on his soul. A soul that shines so brightly and is so colorful it almost makes me dizzy. A soul so fucking beautiful.

“You told her you loved her! Do you have any idea how much that fucking hurt?” I ask him.

“I didn’t tell her I loved her! I was dreaming about you one morning and she heard me say ‘I love you’. She went bat shit crazy and started telling me she loved
me
. I tried to tell her she misunderstood me. I explained to her I was dreaming. I was honest with her and told her she wasn’t the one I was dreaming about! I left her in that hotel room! The next time I saw or heard from her, she showed up in Brooklyn. I would’ve stopped her from ever showing her face, because if it felt anything like seeing you on Alex’s arm tonight, then I know how much it ripped your fucking heart out. I didn’t do that on purpose. I didn’t ask her there. I was lying in your bed when she called to say she was coming to New York. I was with you. I was where I wanted to be, Noely. I was inside
you
that night. I told
you
I loved
you
.”

“That’s just it. Don’t you get it?” I ask faintly. “There will always be someone else. No matter how many times we are together, there will be some catty bitch trying her best to tear us apart. You’re famous now and that will only make it worse. You can’t ask me to live like that.”

“I can. I am. I’m asking you to trust me. Love me, Noely. Give me a fucking chance. I’m drowning without you.”

“I do.”

“You do what? Say it. God, please say it,” he begs.

“I love you,” I whisper.

I didn’t see him move. I didn’t have time. I was pulled against him and his mouth was on mine before I knew what was happening. I didn’t struggle or protest. I drank in every ounce of him. I’m weak and I know it.

His hands snake up my thighs and push my panties down my legs. I release his pants and push them down and then push his boxers down. He kicks his shoes off while he devours my mouth and then he pulls me around him. After he turns us around, he sits down on the edge of the bed taking me with him.

“I don’t have a condom, Noe. I didn’t bring one. It was the last thing on my mind. I just had to see you,” he says against my lips.

I open my eyes and instantly get lost in his. So bright and blue. I sink down on him and watch his eyes roll before his lids tightly shut. With his eyes closed, his hand moves to the back of my head and brings me to his lips. He pushes his tongue in and slides it across mine.

His other hand gently grips my right hip and rocks me on top of him. I start to move up and down him. Once I lubricate both of us, I grind slowly on his shaft. Moving my hips in a circle on his lap, we both moan out in ecstasy.

“That’s it, Noe,” he says into my mouth.

I moan into his mouth and attempt to speed up as I chase down my release.

“No, I don’t want it to be over yet,” he pleads with his words and eyes.

He pulls his lips over mine and leans down to my breasts taking a nipple into his mouth. I arch my back and give him better access to my chest. He grazes his teeth across the sensitive skin before rolling his tongue around the hardness of the tip. He takes his time on the first one before he moves to the second one. His hand moves from my hip to my back and fingertips glide softly across my skin, causing goose bumps to raise in his path.

“Johnny,” I whisper when he sucks my nipple into his mouth again.

“You feel so good,” he responds. “Taste so good.”

The look on his face is the same he wears when his guitar is strapped across his body and the universe takes him far away from here. It takes him somewhere where he can worship in the way only he does. I knew Johnny loved me for years. I didn’t know he loved me the way I love him now. The only thing I knew that he loved most on this earth was music, his music. I don’t guess I ever really assessed the depth of his love for me until this very moment, but that look…
the look
, tells me what he feels is real.

He worships my body like he does the music he plays. His fingers stroke every inch of skin they can find. He drags his lips across my shoulders, neck, and chest. Teeth graze my chin and bottom lip. He never lets me increase my pace. I feel like I’m stuck in an unending cycle of being one step away from reaching the zenith. I’m there. I’m forever there, but I can’t seem to make myself take that last step.

No matter how many times our lips leave the others, we continually find our way back at times with eyes wide open, and others with eyes tightly shut. I can only take not having his mouth on me for so long before I seek him out, but he seeks me out too.

The intimate times we shared before tonight were mind-blowing, and if I had opened myself and allowed it, it would’ve been the spiritual experience I’m traveling through tonight. He’s the only great sex I’ve ever had, but there’s something deeper present, almost as though we exist on a different plane while he’s inside of me. Maybe that’s why I can’t seem to take that last step, because I can’t let go of this feeling. I can’t let go of how easy it is to breathe for the first time in years. I don’t want to let go because when we descend back down to earth, I don’t know what awaits us. I don’t know how to reconcile this with the rest of my life. I don’t know how to fight him anymore, but I also don’t know how to stop fighting him.

“I love you,” he whispers against my lips and looks at me with those blue eyes.

“I love you,” I tell him and mean every word.

“I can’t quit you. I can’t stop this anymore,” he confesses. “I tried for years, Noe. I tried to stop feeling this shit. You can’t tell me you don’t feel this shit.”

I kiss his lips softly and pull back, “I feel it. I can breathe.”