Unplugged (A Portrait of a Rock Star) (13 page)

 The sun had barely risen and I was already up, making a small pot of coffee.  I couldn’t wait to see Mara today.  My patience wouldn’t allow me to wait in Somers’ Point for my Dad to wake up, so I left him a note instead.  He came all the way down here to fend for Mara’s innocence, I figured he’d understand if I left early to see her.  Besides, he had a fresh pot of coffee waiting for him.  I’d get myself a cup at the drive-thru on my way to Mara’s.

Knowing I was on my way to see the sweetest girl in the world, I couldn’t be more elated.  She had forgiven me and she was looking forward to seeing me as well.  When I think of sweet Mara, I figure I can’t be all that bad for God to have put her in my life.  I didn’t think it was coincidence either.  We had so many emotional circumstances in common and we were so comfortable in each other’s company.  If I could just stop screwing up, Mara and I would be great together.

Daughtry was playing in my CD player and I couldn’t help but see the similarities between his lyrics and the events in my life.  Many of his songs were about mistakes he had made and making them right. Especially his song Tennessee Line which seemed to fit the picture of my life.  I may not have been crossing the Tennessee border, but I was at a crossroads and I needed to make things right.  Would I ever, could I ever, turn it around? 

I had also realized that, like Daughtry, my own new songs had a similar edge to them, and I supposed that experiencing the words I sang, actually brought my music to life.  With each song, I gave the listener a glimpse of my soul.  And that’s when it hit me.  I was more of an artist now, than a performer.  The only thing was, if I didn’t perform, my fans would be disappointed and I may even lose some of my fan base.  If that were the case, my message of what drives the human condition couldn’t be interpreted.  I was pretty sure now that I was meant to be the inflicted singer who sang his heart out to the world. 

It was 8:45 am by the time I made it through West Milford on Route 23, when I remembered that Mara was going to church at nine.  I recalled from a past conversation that Saint Simon’s in Green Pond was where she went.  It’d been an extremely long while since I had entered any house of worship, but I thought now was as good a time as any.  Mara might have been the impetus for my visit to church today, but if I were serious about forgiving myself for my past mistakes, it couldn’t hurt to seek it from God first.

Mara’s white Beetle was not in the parking lot when I got to Saint Simon’s, but I didn’t wait for her outside.  I apprehensively made my way up the stairs and into the little white steepled church.  I sat in the very last pew.  A small priest of about 5’6” and probably in his late 40s, came up to me with his hand out to shake mine.

“Hello.”  The priest smiled.  “I’m Father Tony, welcome to Saint Simon’s”

“Hello, Father.”  I’d hoped that was how I was supposed to address a priest.  “Thank you.  I’m Taggart Holland, I’m a friend of Mara Carson.”  I couldn’t remember if Mara only used Giordano professionally or not.  I know she kept it for fitness recognition because of her Uncle Frank’s stature in that field.

“Oh.”  Father Tony said with a beaming smile.  “Well, any friend of Mara’s…” He never finished the clichéd phrase, assuming I knew the rest. “If there’s anything I can do for you, just ask.  Mara has my number if you need it.”  Father Tony began to turn, but then recollection hit him suddenly.  “Taggart Holland?  Would that be thee Tagg Holland of the rock band Holland?”

Trying not to appear too arrogant in church, I humbly gazed toward the floor and nodded.  “Yes, I am Tagg Holland.”

Father Tony gave a glinting smile.  “Great to have you here.  It is truly an honor.  I was a big fan of yours in the past.  I hear you’re making a comeback?”

My eyebrows shot up to my forehead.  Who would have thought that priests actually listened to rock music?  “Yes, actually we are.  It’s been an experience.  We’re not as young as we used to be.”

“Are any of us?”  Father Tony laughed and walked away.

My stomach sunk as I suddenly realized that if Father Tony paid attention to Holland years ago, then he probably heard about my affair and the casualty that it had caused.  I felt my skin turn red and hot.  I’d hoped he had more important things to think about than my mess of a life.

A petite hand landed on my shoulder before that sweet voice spoke.  “Tagg, I can’t believe you’re here.”  I moved one spot down the pew to allow Mara to sit.  She immediately took my hand.  “I’m so glad you’re here.”

I leaned forward and kissed her quickly and softly on the lips.  “Me too.”

Just then, the organist started playing and the congregation stood.  They sang a glorious hymn as Father Tony walked down the aisle and then he thanked everyone for coming to Mass on this beautiful Sunday morning in October.  I tried to listen to Father’s homily, but all I kept thinking about were Mara’s fingers delicately entwined with mine.  My source of light was back in my life and my heart was once again illuminated.

After Mass, Mara and I stopped at her car to decide our plans.  “What would you like to do today, Mara?”

Mara was giddy with happiness.  She took both my hands and looked into my spectacle-free eyes.  “Anything you want Tagg.  I’m just glad to be with you, again.  I’ve really missed you.”  Then she stepped back slightly and gazed at me from head to toe.  “Look at you.  You look amazing.”  Mara reached up with her right hand and touched my hair.  “It’s beautiful.  Your hair got long.  I love the highlights and all the layers.  I can’t believe it falls below your neck, now.  And you got contacts?  I swear you look like you stepped out of the poster I used to have hanging up in my room.”  Mara gave a nervous titter, just like a schoolgirl with a crush.  Which I didn’t mind, at all.  She eyed me again, up and down, but then she frowned.  “You lost weight, Tagg.  Are you eating enough?”

“Enough.”  I didn’t want to tell her that my diet consisted mostly of liquid meals lately.  “I haven’t been all that hungry lately.  I’ve been running though.”  Hoping that would make her proud of me, I gave her one of my debonair smiles.  I’d hoped.

  “But if you’re not eating, then you’re burning way too many calories when you run.”  She wasn’t proud of me.

I placed my fingers under Mara’s chin and made her look me in the eyes.  “Mara.  I didn’t come all this way to see you, only to talk about what I eat or don’t eat.”  I made sure my smile never left my face or my eyes.  “I came here to see you…and maybe talk about us.”

Mara closed her eyes briefly while she sighed.  “I’m sorry.  I care about you.”

My fingers were still under her chin, so I maneuvered her closer and kissed her on her delicious pink mouth.  “And I care about you.  That’s why I’m here.”  I held both her hands now.  “So, how about we decide where we will spend the day together.”

Mara smiled back at me.  “Well, have you even been home yet.”

“No.  I haven’t.  Would you like to sit out by the lake today.”

“That sounds wonderful.”

Finally, we would be leaving the St. Simon’s parking lot.  It was a nice church and all, but it wasn’t my idea of a semi-romantic reunion.  “Okay, I’ll follow you home so we can drop your car off.”  I kissed Mara goodbye and we were off to spend a much longed for day together.   Hopefully, in each other’s arms.

When we pulled up my Sparta drive, it was almost eleven a.m.  We carried our Starbuck’s coffees through the house and onto the grass at the edge of the lake.  “Would you like me to get a blanket to sit on?”  I wanted Mara to be comfortable, but she wouldn’t have it.

“No, the grass is fine.  It’s nice and plush.”

“You mean overgrown.”

Mara chuckled.  She did that often.  “I hadn’t mowed the lawn in a long time.  I guess I should get around to it; I think there’s an ordinance about that.”  I wasn’t serious though, I needed to be back by Tuesday and I didn’t want to waste any time away from Mara.  “I’ll call a landscaper tomorrow.”

“Or we can do it today.”  Mara’s face lit up with animation when she suggested we mow my lawn.

I couldn’t help but smile. “Uh. Yeah. Let’s not.  It’s fine.  I’ll call a landscaper.  It’s October anyway, I’m sure the grass is dying.  But, to put your mind to rest, I’ll find somebody to take care of it.  Okay?”

Mara was genuinely disappointed.  “But it’s such good exercise…where’s your rake and lawn mower?  I can do it right now.”

“Mara.  You didn’t even finish your coffee.  Besides, if it’s exercise you’re looking for, I have a better idea.”  I winked.  She blushed.  “Anyway, I’d much rather spend time with you, not watching you mow the lawn…or you watching me mow the lawn.  Forget the lawn already and,” I couldn’t stop myself.  “Just kiss me, will ya’?”

I curved my hand around the back of Mara’s neck and drew her to me.  I inhaled her sweet scent and kissed her soft mouth.  Her kiss today tasted like vanilla cupcakes.  She was as delightful to taste as she was to behold.  I could feel my heart beat speed up as she wrapped her arms snuggly around my neck.  Our embrace lasted a few minutes before we mutually separated.

We both sipped our coffee and turned our gaze toward the lake.  I think we both had felt the awkwardness of looking at each other after that kiss, realizing that we should probably qualify the relationship at this point.

“Mara.”

“Yeah?”  She turned her head halfway in my direction.  I’m sure she sensed the nature of what I was about to say and was most likely apprehensive about it.  Her face was unreadable.

Maybe I would start off slow and just ask her out on a date.  We’d never really had one of those.  I suppose that would be the proper way to start.  “Would you like to go on a date with me tonight?”

“Okay.”  Her mouth curled slightly as she answered.

“Is dinner fine?”  I was so nervous, I hadn’t realized that guys got butterflies, too.

“Sure.  Dinner would be nice.”

Whew.  She said yes.  “Alright.  We’ll talk about the time later.  How ‘bout we go apple picking this afternoon?”

“Apple picking?” She quirked her mouth to one side.  Was she being sarcastic?  I couldn’t tell.

“Yeah.  You know, those little round red things you pick out of the trees?”  I could be sarcastic too.

“Ha, Ha.”  She let out a tiny laugh when she smiled.  “That sounds fun.”

“Good.  Let me just get some of my stuff out of the car and bring them inside.  You wanna come?”

“Nah.  It’s nice out here, I’ll wait for you.”  I watched Mara extend her legs and cross them at the ankles.  She was so elegant, yet so modest and humble.  I thought about what it would be like making love with her.  I wanted it so badly.  She made the beats of my heart stutter.

When I got to my car, in the distance, I could see yellow.  I approached the road to get a closer look.  The yellow Camaro was parked across the street and the woman was sitting in the driver’s seat.  “Hey.”  I yelled to her.  I ran down my long driveway, but as I got near, she sped away.  “Dammit!”  I couldn’t wrap my head around this.  It was all so bizarre.  And it reminded me. I hadn’t told Mara about my recent findings.  Crystal was the owner of the car.

Apple picking was so much fun.  Everything was so much more sunny when Mara was around.  Both of us were chuckling like children when Mara would use one of the apple pickers to retrieve an apple.  The handle was so long and Mara was so short that she would lose her balance and whack me with the picker.  On several occasions.  And for a fitness geek, she certainly was clumsy.  More than once she’d trip over a fallen apple that was left to rot on the ground and she’d go flying, along with her bag of apples.  But, we’d keep laughing.  It was such a joy to be with Mara. She was such a joy.  I was already thinking that I wouldn’t want to spend another day without her.  And we hadn’t even had our first official date.

My nerves felt like frayed wires short-circuiting throughout my body.  I wanted to make sure everything would be perfect for our first date.  The daisies, bunched together in a bouquet, were tied simply with a wide violet ribbon.  I had searched the florist for the absolute ideal arrangement, but an unpretentious display of daisies seemed most appropriate for Mara.  It’s not that I couldn’t spend the money on a more elaborate assortment, but that would seem overdone for Mara.  She was wholesome and pure and as exquisitely beautiful as nature herself.  She needed no makeup or expensive clothes, yet she was absolutely flawless in the most simplest manner.  She wasn’t fancy and I’d venture to guess that she appreciated what God Himself intended as beauty and not what man defined it as.

Before ringing her doorbell, I had to take ten deep breaths to return to normal breathing.  This date was important to me.  More important than anything I’ve ever done.  Because, suddenly, Mara was the most important person in my life.

“Hi Tagg.”  Mara beamed as she answered the door.  She was breathtaking in her ivory V-neck cableknit sweater and long brown flowing skirt.  The skirt came just mid-calf, showing her brown tights and little brown flat slip-in shoes.  Now, I normally don’t notice clothes like that, but on Mara, I noticed everything.  Even the small gold Crucifix that hung around her neck.  I wanted faith like Mara had.  She’d been through loss and yet, instead of turning away from God, she was drawn closer.  With that kind of faith, it was hard to see the world as a dark and lonely place, like I had perceived it.

“Hi Mara.”  I handed her the daisies and a variety box of chocolate protein bars.  I figured she would prefer that over a fat and sugar-laden box of chocolates. 

“How did you know daisies were my favorite flower?  I don’t remember telling you that.”  Mara sniffed the daisies and when she inhaled, she closed her eyes, allowing me to glimpse the soft violet eyeshadow she wore on her lids.

“They just reminded me of you – a simple, yet elegant, wildflower.”

“Aw.  Tagg.  You are so sweet.  The protein bars are a nice touch, too.”

“Yeah, well, you being my trainer and all, I thought regular chocolate candy wouldn’t be a smart idea.”

“The protein bars are perfect…but I haven’t trained you in, like, forever.”

“Sorry about that.”  I mockingly put my head down in shame.  “At least I’m still running.  Anyway, we should get going.”

She held up the daisies.  “Let me put these in water, then we can leave.”

“Okay.  Reservations are at eight.”

I held the Vette’s passenger side open for Mara and shut it for her when she got in, circling the car to get in myself. 

“Where are we going?”  She asked after I started the car.

“Chateau Hathorne?  Did you ever hear of it?”

“Certainly.  The Hathorne House, on Route 94 in Warwick.”

“That’s the one.  I’ve never been there, but I’ve heard it’s really nice.”

“That’s what I heard too.”

“Mara.”  I glanced sideways at her briefly, while still paying attention to the road.  “I wanted to tell you something.”  I didn’t know if this was the proper time to tell her, but I thought it needed to be said.  “Remember that yellow Camaro?”

“Yes.   The one where the driver looked like your wife?”

“That’d be it.  So, I checked with the Somers’ Point Police and found out that the car is actually registered in Crystal’s name.

I heard Mara gasp.  “Your Crystal?”

“Yes.  And the address on the registration is my Somers’ Point address.”

She took a deep breath in.  I didn’t hear it come back out.  

“It gets weirder.  The plates were registered the day after she died.”

I heard a loud exhale.  She was holding her breath.  “Oh my God.  How is that possible?  Tagg.  Is she still…alive?”  Mara barely whispered the word alive, I almost didn’t hear it.

“I don’t know.  I can’t imagine she could be, but…I don’t know.”

We drove silently for the next few minutes, absorbing the enormity of the situation if Crystal were still alive. 

The Chateau Hathorne had valet parking.  Usually I would just park the Vette myself; I detested anyone else driving it, but since I wanted this date to be extra special, I figured, what the heck.

The building was a huge Restaurant/Bed & Breakfast established in 1832.  Its big white pillars and red brick front granted an elaborate welcoming.  The maitre d’ wore a black tux with a white tie, white shirt and white vest.  He brought us to our table for two that sat by itself in an alcove with its very own fireplace.  The warm glow of the fire and a soft gas lamp in the center of our table were the only source of light for us.  It was very romantic.  Mara’s olive skin appeared golden behind the soft lighting.

“This is a really beautiful place, Tagg.  Thank you for taking me here.”  Gold specks sparkled in Mara’s brown eyes as she tilted her head and smiled at me.

“Your welcome.”  I couldn’t help myself; I stared into her glistening eyes, probably for a couple moments too long.  “You are so beautiful, Mara.”  Captivatingly so, I wanted to say, but I was afraid to let her see just how enamored I was.  “Thank you for coming into my life.”  I was probably not doing a great job at hiding my feelings; my thundering heart was betraying me.  “You’ve made such a difference and I am so sorry I hadn’t let you explain that night, at my mother’s.  I shouldn’t have run out like that.  And, I shouldn’t have stayed away for so long.  I’m not very good at facing things.  Auggie’s always scolded me for that.”  I let out a slight, non-humorous, titter.

Mara gave me one of those small smiles, where her lips curled, but her teeth didn’t show.  “It’s okay.  It’s over with.  By the way, have you talked with your mom yet?”

“I called her today, after I brought you home.  I apologized for being so immature and she apologized for being deceitful about her intentions.  We’re good.”

“Good.  Because you know she loves you a whole bunch; you’re everything to her, Tagg.”

“I know that.”

The waiter brought our wine and recited the night’s specials.  We ordered a Puff Pastry Neptune, which was an appetizer of assorted seafood with a light chardonnay sauce; tossed fresh organic greens and Chateau Briand for two, cooked medium-rare.  While we waited for our food, I watched how Mara’s slender fingers wrapped around the bottom of her wine glass.  Her semi-long nails were painted in a tempting coral color and as her hand enveloped the glass, I could almost feel her delicate hand enveloping something of mine.  But I digress.

“Mara, I never really asked how you’ve been.”  She looked at me like I had two heads.  “ I mean, September 11th passed.  I’m sure it was hard.”

She shrugged.  “It was.”

“I’m sorry I never called.  I am such an idiot to let you down.”  It seems that’s the only thing I kept getting right – letting her down.

“Tagg, stop beating yourself up about things.  I know how you feel.”  Mara must’ve realized she was only surmising my emotions, because she ended that sentence abruptly.

“Do you?  Know how I feel, I mean?”  I didn’t pause long, because it was a rhetorical question.  I leaned in closer and peered into her sparkling brown eyes.  “Because I’ve never felt…the way I feel about you…I’ve never been more in love than I am with you.”  I knew it was very sudden in our relationship to say it, and it may have been a mistake to admit, but as cliché as it sounded, I was head over heels in love with Mara and I couldn’t keep from telling her so.

Mara had been taking a sip of her wine when I had said this and she reflexively spit it out.  Right in my face.  She quickly grabbed her napkin off her lap to wipe her mouth and reclaim her dignity, while I picked up my napkin and dabbed at my white oxford shirt to lessen the damage of the red wine.  “Omigod. Tagg, I am so sorry.  I just…I hadn’t expected you to say…that…and well, you caught me by surprise.”

I laughed.  “That’s okay.  I hadn’t expected to say it either.”

Mara turned more pensive and unsure in what she was about to say.  Her voice came out in a whisper.  “Tagg.  Aren’t I the first girl you’ve dated since Crystal?”

I guess I knew where this was headed.  “Yes, but that doesn’t change how I feel.”

“But,” Mara hesitated so long I thought she’d forgotten what she was about to say.  “Maybe it’s just the excitement of being with someone.”

Was she serious?  I had to laugh.  “Mara.”  And I was confident.  I knew my feelings and I was not wavering.  “I’m a thirty-eight year-old man.  I’ve had plenty of women, I’m ashamed to say, and I’ve had many, many opportunities to fall in love.  I’ve never come close.  Even my marriage to Crystal was more of a marriage of friendship and respect, on both our parts.  I’ve always wondered if I’d even recognize love if I ever came face to face with it.  And now…I am as sure as the fact that you’re sitting across from me, I am truly, passionately and immeasurably in love with you.  I think I’ve known since the day I met you, standing at my front door.”

Mara gave a pleasant sigh.  “Are you sure?  Because I don’t open up my heart easily.”

I took her napkin out of her hand, which she was still clutching, and took both her hands, “I am absolutely positive.”  I kissed both of her hands, one at a time.  “I love you.”

Mara’s shoulders rose with each breath she took.  I could hear her breathing become louder, and I suspected that her heart was beating faster, as was mine.  She bit her bottom lip and I felt her toe tap rapidly under the table.  She took one last deep breath and spoke.  “I love you, too.”

The waiter inconveniently interrupted our pronouncements by bringing our appetizer.