Unplugged (A Portrait of a Rock Star) (16 page)

From the street, before my turn off, the sky was polluted with clouds of smoke.  Beneath the fog was a bright orange glow.  I turned down my drive and as my instincts indicated, my house was ablaze in a fire so huge that the whole house was engulfed.  Including the ‘Vette.

“Oh my God.”  I’m not sure if I bellowed it out loud or if I only screamed it in my head, but my immediate concern was for Mara.  I don’t even remember getting out of the car, I just knew I dialed 911, while I proceeded without caution through the inferno and into my house.  It was so hot I could barely stand it.  “Mara!”  No answer.  Smoke consumed the house while fire crawled up every wall.  Cough. Cough, I couldn’t help myself.  It was too thick.  I held my breath and tried not to inhale.  “Mara!”  Nothing, still.

Sirens were blaring in the distance, getting louder by the seconds, while my eyes were burning and of no use.  I could no longer see, but I had to find her.  Had to save her.  “Mara!”  I dropped to the floor and began crawling on my hands and knees.  “Mara!  Answer me!”  I took a quick breath and coughed again, smoke was swallowing up my house, encasing anything within my limited sight.  I inched forward little by little. Searching. Hoping. Praying.

“Is anybody in there?”  I heard a gruff voice yell.

I coughed again.  “Over…” Cough. Cough. Cough.  “Here.”

“Stay where you are and keep talking.” The man implored.

“I’m here.”  Cough.  Cough.  I couldn’t seem to catch my breath, but my heart was racing, beating so rapidly, I thought it would explode out of my chest.  My only concern was to find Mara and get her out of this godforsaken house, but I was helpless; impeded by the layers of smoke and screaming flames.  “There’s someone…” Cough. “Else here.” I tried to cough this time, but couldn’t catch my breath.  I was gasping for air, but needed to get to Mara.  I kept crawling forward, disregarding the man’s demand.

“Sir.”  I felt a hand on my shoulder, then something covering my face. Air.  I could breath.  I put my hand to my face. It was hard plastic.  An oxygen mask, probably.  I coughed and coughed.  “The couch.  She’s on the couch.”

“Sir, someone else is in this house?”  He was picking me up.

I kicked and punched.  “No, I have to get…her.’

“First we need to get you out of here.”

“NOOO!”  I screamed, but he wouldn’t listen.  I struggled to break free, but the man was so big and so bulky.  His coat was awkward for me to grab hold of and free myself from, but I pushed him and I kicked and broke away from him, propelling myself back in the direction of the living room.

“Sir. We’ll get her.  Over here!”  His voice turning away from me.  Two other men grabbed me and pulled me outside.  “No.  No.  Mara.  No.”  They wouldn’t allow me back in.  They sat me on a blanket near an ambulance and fed me more oxygen.

“Sir, are you alright?”

I cried, “No goddammit.  She’s still in there.”  I was shaking, not from trauma, but from anger…and helplessness.

“Calm down.  If someone’s in there, our men will find her.”

I just sobbed.  I tore off the oxygen mask and wept.  Once again, I screwed up.  I should have never left Mara sleeping while the fireplace was going.

“We need a stretcher!”  I heard another deep voice demand.

I looked in the direction of the voice.  “Mara.”  I ran to her.  The paramedic tried to hold me down, but I shrugged her away.  “Mara?”

“Sir, you need to get back.”

“What’s wrong with her?  Is she alive?”

“Sir, please, you need to get back.”  He kept insisting.  I watched her lying there as they placed blankets over her.  She was still.  Her blackened face barely recognizable.  Was she breathing?  I couldn’t tell.  What a fool I was to leave her sleeping with the fireplace on.  Oh my God, she can’t be dead.

They wheeled her away on the stretcher.  I was out of breath, because of the smoke I’d inhaled and because of my hyperventilating problem every time I got too upset, but I still managed to chase after them as they lifted her into the ambulance.  As I stood there watching, helplessly, the paramedics hover over her, I prayed.  I prayed for Mara to live.  I prayed that if He had to take anyone, it should be me, not Mara.  I was the one who didn’t deserve to be here.  I was always the one instigating affliction, as unforeseen as it was.  I was just plain old bad luck and God needed to take me out of this world to end the misfortune.  He couldn’t take away the most kind-hearted and compassionate person I’ve ever met.

I cried, beseeching God to hear the very depths of my desperation in my plea.  Mara needed to live.  She couldn’t die because of my fricking stupidity.  And, if He really had the need to bring her home to Him, then He needed to take me too.  I couldn’t live without her.  I wouldn’t live without her.  I would just die.

I continued to watch as they placed oxygen and other tubes all over her.  I sighed.  Hopefully that meant she was alive.  “I need to go with her.”  I insisted, but the paramedics wouldn’t hear of it.

“There’s another ambulance, sir, for you.”

“I don’t need an ambulance, I’m fine.  I need to be with Mara.  Just tell me if she’s alive.  I just need to know that.”

At that point, a policeman put his hand on my shoulder.  “Mr. Holland, we recommend an ambulance, but if you refuse, you need to sign a waiver.”

“Fine.  I just need to get to my girlfriend.  Is she dead?”

“Let me just get the paperwork and a statement from you.  I know it’s a bad time, but…”

Really?  “Can you get my statement later?  Do you know if Mara is alive?”  Jesus Christ, couldn’t anybody tell me?

“No, sir, I’m sorry, I don’t know… I’ll only take a moment of your time, then you can get to the hospital.  They’re not going to let you in right away anyway.”

I grudgingly nodded and followed him over to his car.  He handed me a bottle of water and I leaned against the car.

“Tell me what you can remember.”  He asked.

I shook my head and took a sip of the water, then blinking back more tears I answered him.  “I left my girlfriend sleeping on the couch, while I went to pick up her car from the mechanic’s.  There was a fire burning in the fireplace.  I should have never done that, it’d been so long since I used it.  And I left her.  I should have never left her alone like that with the fireplace going.”  I paused for the officer’s reaction, but he kept his eyes on me, waiting for me to continue.  “When I got back from the shop, about thirty minutes later, the whole house was burning.”

“Did you smell anything before you left?”

I thought about it a second or two.  “No, nothing but the fire in the hearth.  I’m sure I opened the flue, but that chimney hadn’t been cleaned in many years.  Oh, I can’t believe I did this to her.”

“Mr. Holland, this fire was not started by the fireplace.  I assure you.”

“What?”  How could he know that for sure?

“We can’t be a hundred percent yet, but it looks like arson.  Your car was too far away to ignite like that and the smell of gasoline was overwhelming.  It could have been a gas leak, but you said you hadn’t smelled anything.”

“But…who would do that?”

The cop shook his head.  “I was hoping you could help me out there.”

“How would I know?”  This was crazy.  I just wanted to get to the fricking hospital to see if Mara were fricking alive or not.

“I don’t know.  You’ve gone pretty public again.  Did you piss any old girlfriends off?”

My head was starting to really hurt.  I had to stand here listening to this ignorant cop while I wasn’t even sure if Mara was alive or not.  “I only have one girlfriend and she’s headed for the hospital right now.  I haven’t pissed anyone off as far as I know, so if we’re done, I’d like to go see if Mara is okay.”

The officer nodded.  “Go ahead, Mr. Holland.  I’ll have the report for you at the station.  But, don’t you want to stick around to see about your house?”

Incredible.  “I don’t give a damn about the house.  It’s a house, sir.  Mara, on the other hand, is my hopefully living, breathing completion to my soul.”  I turned to get in Mara’s car, but saw the vast amount of fire trucks, police cars and ambulances blocking my way.  I threw up my hands in resignation. “Great.”  I was headed for a nervous breakdown in a matter of seconds.

The officer came up behind me.  “I’ll drive you.”

*******

At the hospital, they wouldn’t let me see her right away.  The nurses couldn’t tell me anything until a doctor came in and I had to wait about sixty fricking minutes before someone could tell me anything. Sixty long minutes of me pacing the floor and calling my mom and dad repeatedly, looking for comfort.  Both of them insured they were on their way down and whatever it took to see that Mara would be alright, they would help finance it.  Money was never the issue.  I had more than enough.  I needed her to be all right.  I needed her.

The doctor finally pulled me aside.  “Mr. Holland, does Mara have any family?”

“Is Mara okay, is she alive.  I don’t even know if she is breathing or not.”

The doctor repeated his question without answering me.

“Yes, her mother, Caroline is on her way, but she lives about two and a half hours away.  Can’t you just tell me what’s going on?  Please.”  My fury was building and I was almost inconsolable.  If someone didn’t answer me soon, I really believed I would kill somebody.

The doctor gave a resigned sigh; as if I were not supposed to be privileged with the knowledge of Mara’s state of being.  “She is alive, Mr. Holland.”

“Oh. Thank God.”  I leaned against the wall to keep myself from fainting.

“But.”  The doctor emphasized.  “We don’t know for how long.” Regretfully informing me of this utterly horrible news.

“Can I see her?”  I needed to see her. This could not be happening.  God, please save her.

“Yes, you may, but she’s sleeping right now.  She’s on morphine.  She suffered quite a bit of second and third degree burns, as well as smoke inhalation.  She wasn’t too coherent when she woke.  We’ll know more about her status later. She has a lot of burned area. Amazingly, her face only suffered some first-degree burns, but it’s her vital organs we’re worried about.”

My tears were fighting my resistance to cry in front of the doctor.  I pressed my lips together and tried to keep from crying, but I couldn’t.  The doctor put his hand on my shoulder.  “C’mon, let’s see her.”

The tubes in her nose and the intravenous feeding her through the top of her hand made her seem so fragile.  But, the bandages wrapped around her had her looking so broken.  I kneeled down on the floor next to her bed and prayed for the third time in less than twenty-four hours.  Three more times than I have in probably a decade or more.

I prayed to God, this time, to thank Him for keeping her alive and to let her stay that way. Then I asked Him to spare Mara from pain and to let her come out of this tragedy unscathed.  I prayed to God to help me be the best person I could be for Mara.  Mara deserved the very best and I needed to aspire to be that person.  And, I prayed to God to help me to keep Mara safe for the rest of her life.  When I’d finished praying for Mara again, I felt a hand cover mine.  I snapped my head up to see my angel.  “Mara. Oh, Mara.  I am so sorry.”

She blinked once and it looked like she tried to shake her head, but couldn’t.  Then her mouth parted as if to speak, but nothing came out.  I gently pressed my finger to her lips.  “Shh.  It’s okay.  Don’t say anything.  I’m sorry I left you home.  You looked so peaceful sleeping and you needed a nap.  I wanted to get your car and I was only gone a half-hour.  I never thought…this…ever.  I am so, so sorry.”  I was breaking down. I could not hold back the tears. “If I had been there, I could have saved you from this.”  My words came rambling out, but Mara’s grunt interrupted me.  Her eyes pleaded with me to stop and, although she wasn’t able to say the words, I knew she didn’t blame me.  It didn’t make me feel any better, though.

I sat in the chair next to her and watched her fall back to sleep.  My tears continued.  Though I tried to restrain myself, I could not. She was hurting.  She was maimed and it was my fault.  Even though I was assured that the fireplace wasn’t the cause of the fire, ultimately, I was the one to blame.  I shouldn’t have left her alone.  The towering inferno inside my heart was pleading to be tamed, but I knew the stinging that I was bearing was infinitesimal compared to Mara’s suffering.  My tears were for her.  My heart cried, my soul cried, my body cried.  I was so achingly sorry to have failed her… again.

An hour and a half later, the doctor brought Mara’s mother Caroline in to see her daughter.  I immediately got up to introduce myself.  “Ms. Giordano, I’m Tagg.  I’m so sorry to have to meet you under these circumstances.”  I held out my hand to shake her’s, but she grabbed on to me and gave me such a hug, I thought she was falling over.   It took a moment to realize she was sobbing.  Then, I wondered if maybe she weren’t as reserved as her daughter where emotions were concerned.

She let me go and sat on the chair I had been occupying seconds ago.  “Oh, Mara.” She cried, as she held on to her daughter’s hand.  “Oh my baby.”  Caroline looked up at me.  “The doctor said it was touch and go?” She choked out.

I refused to believe that.  She had to be okay.  She just had to.  I couldn’t respond to Caroline.  There was just no way to answer that.