Unprotected (22 page)

At that moment, Amanda wanted to slap Cynthia. The letdown from preparing for Christmas and having it fall apart was unbearable. Amanda was much angrier with Lucy for abandoning the family, and especially for abandoning her, although she knew it was selfish to be more concerned about herself when the family was in such crisis.

“Of course everyone’s still going to church,” Amanda said brusquely.

Cynthia put her hands on her hips. “All right, Amanda. You don’t have to get pushy too. It’s bad enough that I get it from my own family.”

Another jab at her outsider status. All of this was so out of character for Cynthia, and part of her wanted to ask her if she was okay. A bigger part of her still wanted to slap her. Cynthia flounced out of the room.

By 4:00 the kitchen was presentable, with the pans covered and put into the refrigerator hopefully for dinner after church. With nothing else to do, Amanda found her purse and went to the hallway mirror to check her hair and put on lipstick. Cynthia and her boyfriend were putting on their coats.

“We’ll meet you there,” Cynthia said to Marina, who was doing Susanna’s hair in the bathroom. Cynthia and her boyfriend went out the door before anyone could answer. Susanna looked up at Marina silently, watching for her reaction.

Suddenly they heard Rosie’s bedroom door open. She emerged from the kitchen wearing her church clothes. Her face looked gray and tired, and her eyes seemed to be half open. She didn’t look at anyone as she silently took her coat from the hall closet.

Anna ran to her Mama and hugged her. Rosie held her for a moment with her eyes closed. The group shuffled out the door to Rosie’s van in the garage, still not acknowledging that Cynthia and Lucy were not there.

* * *

When Amanda looked back on that Christmas Eve, she realized that the reason it hurt so much was that she thought her years of pathetic holidays were over. After spending December 23 going to clients’ and foster parents’ homes, each with a different sad Christmas story, she believed she was finally on the other side of the fence. Amanda thought she was officially part of the world that didn’t ache from Thanksgiving through the New Year. She thought that she had finally become normal, at least in that regard.

Which was why Lucy’s abandonment and the Ramirez’s terrible family feud hurt so much worse than any Christmas spent at a soup kitchen. The ugly truth was that Amanda thought she was better than that.

Even though the day improved slightly after church, the gnawing in her gut never went away. Church seemed to calm Rosie, so that when they went back to the house they ate a subdued dinner with store-bought tortillas. Cynthia brought her boyfriend back to the house, and Rosie was civil enough to pass him the sour cream at dinner. The little girls were excited about their gifts, and Rosie gave Amanda a warm smile when she opened her certificate for a massage. But when all the gifts were opened and there were piles of wrapping paper and boxes everywhere, there was still a small group of unopened gifts under the tree.

Somehow Amanda expected Lucy to return that night. She never believed that Lucy would truly stay away from her family, and Amanda, on Christmas.

Everyone went to bed early that Christmas Eve. Amanda slept in Lucy’s bed, just as she usually did when she spent holidays with the Ramirezes. She lay in bed awake for a long time, stinging emotions swirling in her head. She was barely aware that her fists were clenched, fingernails digging into her palms

Chapter Fifteen

The week after Christmas passed quickly at work, and before Amanda knew it, New Year’s Eve, the day of Lucy and William’s wedding, had arrived. Amanda had managed to avoid Lucy all week by turning off the ringer on her phone and unplugging her answering machine so she could legitimately say she did not know Lucy had called. Not knowing whether or not Lucy had tried to call was difficult too, but the need to avoid her was stronger than her curiosity.

Amanda had also avoided Jake all week at work, so she had not spoken with anyone about the final wedding plans. She didn’t know whether Rosie finished the dresses, or what kind of flowers Lucy had chosen, or what time to be at the church to get ready.

Instead of dealing with her personal life, Amanda focused on her job and the people who were officially crazier than she was. Amanda learned that Angel, Blaze, Justice, and Anthony actually had a very nice Christmas at the foster home, despite the bitchy Mary. Amanda spent over two hours with Angel one afternoon, chatting with her about volleyball, school, and about her family. Angel was rather tightlipped about her mother, but she had no problem talking about the other people they had come into contact with in their travels. Angel, age nine, told of the man who was HIV positive who took so many medicines that he could swallow handfuls of pills at once. She talked about the house they lived in that had an actual hole in the bathroom floor that her mother covered with heavy cardboard so they could use the toilet. Then there was the trailer they lived in that had no heat or running water, so they peed in a five-gallon bucket and showered at swimming lessons, which they attended on a scholarship. Angel told Amanda that her father was in prison, and she had never met him, although her mother showed her his mug shot on the Department of Corrections website on the public library computer. Blaze’s dad was the one Angel remembered the best and feared the most.

Amanda also finished the reunification plan with Hailey, and Hailey and Charlie started having regular visits at Hailey’s mom’s house. Hailey had actually decided to move out of her own apartment at the end of the month and move back home with her mom so she could be with Charlie every day. Hailey seemed intent on changing her life, and she was working hard.

Amanda spent New Year’s Eve morning catching up on casenotes about Hailey, and writing the long, sordid social history for Angel’s family. The detachment with which Angel described her life was disturbingly familiar to Amanda, though Amanda also knew that she wasn’t nearly as detached as she used to be. Amanda credited Lucy for helping her break down her defenses and participate in her own life. Unfortunately, Amanda had realized over the past several weeks that she couldn’t seem to get her defenses back up when she wanted them back.

The office closed at noon, so Amanda reluctantly went home to prepare for the wedding she didn’t want to face.

When she parked on the street by her apartment, Amanda could see the wardrobe bag that must have contained her dress hanging on the screen door. She climbed the steps carefully, noticing only one set of footprints in the snow that had fallen that morning. Whoever delivered the dress came alone. Amanda wondered if it was Lucy, or if someone was helping her handle the last minute arrangements.

Amanda grabbed the dress and brought it inside, finding a note attached to the hanger.

“Amanda, where have you been, sweetie? I’ve been trying to call you all week. I hope nothing is wrong. Here is your dress. William’s aunt finished them last night, so I hope it fits. See you at the church at 3:00. William’s cousin will go there to do your hair if you want yours done. Love, Lucy.”

No mention of Christmas.

Amanda threw the dress on the table with her purse and keys. The hurt that she had felt all week turned to anger at Lucy’s lack of acknowledgement. Family used to be the most important thing to Lucy, but now it seemed that she was so self-absorbed that she didn’t care about any of them.

Amanda decided that if Lucy could skip Christmas, it was her turn to skip the next big event. Even if that big event happened to be Lucy’s wedding.

Amanda turned off the lights and went to bed.

* * *

She wasn’t sure when she realized she was awake. There was some kind of noise, but it could have been part of her creepy dream. Amanda had been dreaming she was getting married to Cynthia’s adolescent boyfriend. They had been holding hands in the front of Lucy’s church, and Amanda looked back and saw that no one was on her side of the church except for Lucy and William. The only people on the “groom’s” side of the church were homeless people there for the free meal.

Amanda rolled over to find Jake leaning over her bed. She screamed and clutched the covers to her chest for some meager protection.

“Hey, I’m sorry. I’m sorry. You have got to start locking that door,” Jake said, looking worried and annoyed.

“What the hell are you doing in here? Jeez, Jake, you scared me to death.” Amanda sat up, embarrassed and angry, trying to pat down her hair and rub her cheeks to wake up.

“I’m here to pick you up, sleepy. You’re going to be late.” He went back to the kitchen and brought her dress into her bedroom. Already in his tuxedo, Amanda realized for the first time in a long time how good looking he really was. “I can’t believe you’re not dressed yet. You women take forever getting ready. Are you dressing at the church?”

Amanda was looking at her blanket and gritting her teeth, feeling embarrassed and exposed. “I didn’t ask you to pick me up.”

He lifted his hands and stared at her. “What’s the problem, Amanda?”

She swallowed hard. “I’m not going.” She sounded like a six-year-old.

“What?” he said skeptically. “Get up. Come on, you’re gonna make me late too.”

Amanda stuck her chin out defiantly. When she said it out loud, skipping Lucy’s wedding sounded horrible. It would be a friendship-ending act. Amanda didn’t want to end the friendship, but it was hard to think past her hurt to know what she did want to do.

Slowly, Amanda dragged herself out of bed and went to the bathroom to change.

* * *

They drove to the wedding in silence. Amanda was surprised that Jake didn’t ask why she was sleeping when she should have been getting ready. She frowned at her black shoes, frustrated that she didn’t have time to shop for something better.

They arrived at the church a few minutes after 3:00. As they climbed the stone steps and went inside, Amanda thought that she had attended St. Joseph’s enough times with Lucy’s family that it felt like her home church, if she had one. It was the largest church in town, easily seating 500 people. The aisle that Lucy would walk down stretched past at least thirty pews.

“I think the women are downstairs,” Jake said, and he left in search of William and the men.

She took the stairs slowly, suddenly very nervous. Not only had she never been a bridesmaid, Amanda had actually never been in a wedding. She didn’t know how to act or what to say.

When Amanda reached the bottom of the stairs, she could hear laughing and talking in the room ahead of her, which was the bridal dressing area next to the bathrooms. She pulled in a deep breath and walked in.

Cynthia walked by her first, smiling and flushed, on her way to the restroom. The room was very hot with at least fifteen women squeezed in trying to see themselves in the mirror. Marina was gathering her hair to make a high ponytail, bobby pins sticking out of her mouth.

“Hey, Amanda,” she said, also surprisingly upbeat.

Amanda recognized most of the women from William’s house. Through the tangle of bodies she could see Lucy sitting in the corner, her short legs stretched out under her dress. Right after she and William got engaged, Lucy found her perfect wedding dress, which she had modeled for Amanda and her sisters on Thanksgiving. Lucy had chosen a straight, simple white dress that actually had some spandex to move with her growing breasts and belly. It was straight and slightly gathered on the bodice with spaghetti straps, and the fabric dipped a little to show off her newly acquired cleavage. As Lucy was getting her hair done, Amanda admired the dress’s elegant simplicity all over again.

“Oh, Amanda, you can’t wear your hair like that,” Cynthia said as she breezed back into the room. Cynthia wore her hair in a low ponytail with a rhinestone clip. Amanda hadn’t done a thing to hers except brush it quickly after she yanked her dress on. “Let’s give you big Barbie hair.” Cynthia grabbed one of several curling irons and a big vent brush.

“No way,” Amanda said. “If you want big hair, do your own that way.”

“Come on,” Cynthia said. “I’ve never gotten to play with blonde hair before.”

“Oh, shut up,” Amanda said, but she smiled and let Cynthia have her way. Amanda’s hair was “Minnesota blonde,” which was the same washed out dark-blonde color that many Scandinavian girls in Minnesota had. Cynthia pulled it back into a tight ponytail that she curled into smooth curls that sat at the base of her neck.

“Oooh, Amanda, look at you,” Marina said as she made her way over to them. “Your hair is beautiful, but please let me give you some make-up.”

As the girls put on her face, Amanda watched the other women in the mirror. Everyone in the room was bubbling and happy, including Cynthia and Marina. William’s mother was there painting Lucy’s nails, and his cousin was still working on her hair. A few other women who looked like William’s relatives were working on each other’s hair, and another who must have been William’s seamstress aunt was fussing with Lucy’s dress. Lucy still had not seen or acknowledged Amanda’s presence. She wanted to ask what was going on, but she was afraid to stir up tension.

“Where’s Amanda?” Amanda heard Lucy ask. “Please tell me she’s here somewhere.”

Amanda couldn’t find her voice to answer.

“We’re over here,” Cynthia yelled. Lucy turned around and saw Amanda in front of the mirror.

“Hey, sweetie. I’ve missed you this week.” Lucy freed her arm and reached out to grab Amanda’s hand. Amanda smiled weakly at her friend, who had always been pretty, but today was luminous. Amanda wanted to let go of her anger, but she couldn’t seem to push it away. Lucy watched Amanda’s face, looking like she wanted to say something, but then just smiled faintly and looked away.

Rosie came up behind Amanda, placing her warm hand on Amanda’s back, and handed her a bouquet of flowers. Rosie was wearing a dress similar to the bridesmaid dresses, but more matronly. She moved among the women, quietly handing out the bouquets to her daughters, and pinning flowers on the rest of the women. Rosie and William’s seamstress aunt shared a few words and hugged. Somehow they had resolved the issue of the dresses, and there appeared to be no hard feelings. Finally, Rosie carried the bridal bouquet to Lucy, who was getting the finishing touches on her hair and veil. Lucy stood in front of her mother, and Rosie took Lucy’s hands.