Unprotected (39 page)
Authors: Kristin Lee Johnson
Tags: #Minnesota, #Family & Relationships, #Child Abuse, #General Fiction, #Adoption, #Social Workers
As always, Amanda could barely find her words, so all she could do was grin back. And finally, she didn’t feel the need to run away. In fact, she wanted nothing more than to stay.
Epilogue
June in Minnesota can usually make its residents forget about winter. Low humidity, few bugs, and glorious sun make the state feel like an ideal place to live. The windows were open in Amanda’s bedroom, and a light breeze came through, smelling of grass and sunshine.
As she awoke that day, the feeling in Amanda’s belly was familiar and aching. Her initial instinct was to push it down, but this was supposed to hurt, so she tolerated it with a shuddery sigh. Jake rolled over and wrapped his arms around her, nuzzling his face into the back of her neck. She smiled through the tears that dripped off her nose, wetting her pillowcase.
“You don’t have to do this today,” he said pulling her close. They spent six nights out of seven together most weeks, usually at her place, and waking up next to him had never stopped being anything but wonderful.
Amanda had decided to stay in her grandmother’s house, reluctantly at first, until they worked out a ridiculously low purchase price that Amanda couldn’t refuse. Trix kept bringing over throw pillows, framed watercolors, and patterned curtains, so it was starting to feel like home.
“I know,” she finally said, “but I want to.”
“Okay.” Jake reached down and squeezed her hand.
* * *
Amanda and Lucy had made food the day before—sandwiches, salads, fruit, and bars. Amanda was only expecting seven people including herself and Jake, but she wanted to serve food because that was how these things were done.
Jake and Will had spent all of Saturday in the yard raking and landscaping. The four of them, with Javier in the portable crib, spent Saturday night playing Euchre and drinking margaritas—one small one for Lucy, many more for the other three—so by Sunday morning they were all hungover and weary. Luckily Trix arrived with enough energy for all of them, her arms loaded down with paper plates and plastic silverware, followed by Michael carrying a large, heavy box. With Trix clearly and happily in charge in the kitchen, Amanda made her way outside to prepare for the funeral.
* * *
The yard was surprisingly large and open, lined on one side by the railroad tracks. The grass was sparse, and Jake and Matt had spent one Saturday evening walking around the yard, pointing out different types of crabgrass and discussing products that may help. Matt was coming up with all kinds of excuses to come over. At first, it was hard to even make eye contact with him because his face was foreign yet eerily familiar at the same time. He and Amanda had the same hairline, the same shape to their chin, and the same eyebrows. He always seemed nervous around her, and she learned that he was pretty insecure, a surprising quality in someone of his stature. It seemed that he could never forget that once he was poor.
Amanda stood in the area they had designated for the burial, if there had been anything to bury. For the hundredth time, she regretted her hasty, semi-drunken scattering of her mom’s ashes in the Mississippi River. She had been with a group of guys her freshman year in college, and they were bored and drinking. Wanting to impress them, she said that she had her dead mother’s ashes and wanted to dump them in the river. No one believed her until she produced the cardboard urn, supplied for free by the funeral home. They piled into someone’s car, drove to a bridge in St. Paul, and they all took turns reaching into the ashes and throwing out handfuls of her mother’s remains. The mistake dawned on her then, but she was orphaned and angry so she didn’t stop or care. The shame and disrespect came the following day and had stayed with her ever since. Today, she wanted to right her wrong.
Lucy, William, and Javier arrived, with Rosie and the girls right behind them. Amanda was surprised and honored that Rosie would come. They spread out blankets and the family gathered around Javier, cooing at the sleeping miracle baby.
Jake came out of the garage with the potted tree that they would be planting in her mother’s honor. Jake had insisted on inviting Matt, who came in behind Jake and stood unobtrusively near the garage. Then surprisingly, Zoe, Max, and Leah came around the side of the house and stood near Matt quietly chatting. Jake must have invited them too.
The show of support was deeply touching. Jake carried the tree and stood next to Amanda, his hand warmly resting on her back. Amanda was struck with stage fright fueled by myriad emotions, but she forced herself to muster her courage and speak.
“Thank you, everyone for coming.” She had thought about what to say, but didn’t write anything down because she wanted to force herself to speak from the heart. “My mom died almost six years ago after fighting cancer for three and a half long years. It was just my mom and me, and sometimes that was really lonely. But even though it was the two of us, we were a family. Sometimes she didn’t know what to do with me. She never took my picture on the first day of school, and she rarely came to my games and concerts. Sometimes I was so mad at her because there were so many things she didn’t do right. But every mom makes mistakes, and most of them are doing the best that they can. My mom always did her best for me. And the one thing she always did right was that she loved me, unconditionally and completely. She made me feel important. Her love and support helped me believe in myself, and I wouldn’t have that without her.”
She took a deep breath and let out a shaky sigh. “I didn’t appreciate her enough. In her last days, I wasn’t there because I was more focused on myself and what I needed. But I was eighteen, and I did the best I could too.” Trix was nodding and smiling through tears. “I never buried my mom. She was cremated, and I … well I scattered her ashes, but not in the way I should have. I can’t bury her again, but I want to plant this tree in her memory. It’s an apple tree, because she loved apple blossoms, and because I want to be able to pick apples and share them with people who are important to me. An apple isn’t much, but it would be something from me and from her, to show my gratitude. I also chose a tree because it symbolizes family, something I never really thought I had.”
A lump rose in her throat as she looked around at the faces of the people who were there with her today. Trix, openly crying now, and Michael—they had accepted her that summer and loved her beyond words, for reasons that she still didn’t fully understand. Zoe, Leah, and Max—more than just coworkers, they were part of her work family, there to support her and truly care about her. Her job had not only provided her income, but it gave her another place to belong. Rosie and her daughters, who had welcomed her into their home and their family. They had given her the gift of expecting her to come home to them every holiday. Her sweet best friend, Lucy, and Will, were endlessly supportive, and Lucy was truly the sister she never had. Matt, always full of pride and apology, whom someday she might actually call her dad. They shared biology, but he also knew that it was his job to earn her trust. That he loved her was apparent, and she thought she might be starting to love him back. And Jake, who had been there for her in every way possible, and had pledged to love her forever. These people were her family, in every sense of the word.
Jake started digging a hole for the tree. Matt came up and joined him, and together they dug a hole deep and wide enough. Jake lifted the tree into the hole, and Amanda pushed the dirt, soft and black, around it. Lucy, with Javier asleep in her arms, and William came forward with a large basket of perennial flowers that Lucy and Amanda planted around the base of the tree. Zoe brought forward a set of garden stepping stones that she said came from everyone at work. Amanda arranged them in a row by the tree. Rosie had a small statue of the Virgin Mary that she set at the base of the tree. Matt carried a small garden bench from the garage and set it near the tree. Carved in the side was a large cursive A, for April or Amanda, or both. Trix and Michael brought out a bird bath and feeder and set them near the tree.
Amanda stood back as her family continued to tend her Mother’s Garden. The sky was brilliant blue, the sun was golden, and the air was fragrant with blooming flowers and fresh cut grass. Rosie sat on the bench and held baby Javier, Jake and Amanda’s godson. Rosie’s little girls ran after a butterfly. Michael and Matt were chatting about baseball. She thought about finding some closing words to honor her mom, but this day, this garden, and this family were a fitting tribute to any mother. Jake made his way over to Amanda and wrapped her in a hug.
“Looks great, doesn’t it?” Jake asked.
Amanda nodded, so full of joy she couldn’t find words.
“Come on, folks, let’s eat,” Trix hooked her arm in Will’s and motioned everyone inside for lunch.
“She’s just not happy unless she’s feeding people,” Jake said, his arm still around Amanda’s shoulders. Marina pushed her little sisters, hard, so Leah grabbed each girl by the shoulder and told them to quit. And miracle baby Javier let out a squeal and started to cry. That perfect moment gave way to real life—hunger, irritation, dirty diapers, and humor. But this was family, so perfection was never the goal. She followed them inside, where today it was her turn to serve her family a meal of ham sandwiches, gratitude, and love.
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