Unsettled (Chosen #1) (13 page)

Teagan took my arm
, and as we walked back to the tent, he turned to Chase and said, “Oh and she isn’t
your
Lizzie anymore.”

“Lizzie! Promise me you
’ll think about it. When he leaves you, you’ll be alone. I’ll always be here for you, baby. Think about it… about us,” Chase pleaded.

We walked a
way and I didn’t see Chase again that night.

Nineteen

Thoughtful

As Teagan and I headed back to the tents, his arm tightly centered on me. I looked down at my empty cup. I frowned and said, “I think I need something a bit stronger.”

He nodded and we went up to the bartender. He bought us each a Seven and Sevens, my favorite drink. He handed me one and I sipped off it, closed my eyes, and thanked God that the conversation with Chase didn’t ruin my evening with Teagan after all. He was tending to me, making sure he got the jabs in that I couldn’t, and buying me my favorite drink. He knew me so well, and yet, I couldn’t bring myself to look at him. I didn’t want to see the anger, or hurt, or jealousy that he had that night I went out with Freddie. I needed to reassure him that I wasn’t involved with anyone but him.

“Lizzie..
, fucking look at me.” Teagan startled me and I immediately opened my eyes.

“There she is,” he said with a smile. “I
’ve been saying your name. Did you not hear me?”

“No. I just didn’t want you to think that, you know, I was trying anything with Chase. It was a surprise. I didn’t know until this morning that he was here on the island. I guess he didn’t want me to know
,” I said, pleading with my eyes.

“I was listening the whole time. The whole time you were dancing, getting your beers, and standing off to the side, I was listening
,” he said without any regret in his eyes.

“
Really? Teag, that’s a bit creepy,” I said, smiling.

“I know, but when I heard your voice, the pain when you said his name, I knew I couldn’t leave you alone with him. He has some nerve to just show up and demand your undying love
.” He shook his head.

I placed my hand on his chest and drew closer to kiss him softly. It was such a tender moment a
s he wrapped one arm around me, making sure not to spill our drinks, and whispered David Gray song lyrics in my ear. As I leaned into him, he reassured me that everything would be alright and I was a strong woman, the strongest he’d ever met, and nothing could make me more special.

“
Other men see it too, Lizzie. You have something that makes guys bat shit crazy. Maybe it’s that you don’t take shit from others. Maybe it’s because you have fun and never look back on your regrets,” he said.

“If you only knew how far from the truth that statement is. It would be laughable if it wasn’t so sad
,” I said.

I downed my drink and took his full one
, pulling off it. I was getting hammered and nothing was going to stop me. The girls were in the middle of the dance floor in a circle that was only meant for ladies. I handed Teagan back his drink and smiled devilishly at him before I headed straight to my oldest and dearest friends. They screamed and we danced to Bjork. She was an old time favorite of ours. Sexy and seductive. A beat that could make anyone move. I looked over to see Teagan watching me with a smirk on his face. I could tell that the last twenty minutes were over in both of our minds and I was so fucking happy for that. After many sweaty dances, I bowed out of the girls’ dance circle and headed for the bar. Teagan was there instantly with bills in hand, buying me another drink. We took off outside the tent and went to sit on the grass, looking out to sea.

“Hey look, there
’s Ireland,” I said, laughing.

Looking out at the open Atlantic
Ocean, I thought about how far Ireland really was and I got sad. Sure, Oregon was probably almost the same distance but it felt close in my heart. I could close my eyes and see Burnside’s busy street and Mount Hood overlooking the city. I couldn’t envision Ireland at all, except through the man sitting next to me. He was Ireland. Any flag, any striped shirt with an emblem on it, every Irish accent in any movie would always be Teagan. It almost made me not want to go there ever.

“I
really think it is much farther than the horizon from here.” He chuckled.

“Do you think you
’d ever want me to visit? I mean, my family goes there every few years to see our great, great aunts or who knows but I’ve never been. I can’t envision what it looks like. I can only see you going in and out of college doors and hurling.”

“It would mean a great deal if you came to visit me, Lizzie. I would like you to see the small town my family lives in and show you around Cork
.”

“Really?” I said with surprise.

“Really. I’ll look into it when I get back and when I’ve made enough money to buy your tickets. We’ll pick the perfect time, when I’m on holiday, and then we can spend some time together. My parents are very traditional so we’ll sleep in different rooms but maybe a few nights, we can go to a bed and breakfast,” he said with a devilish smirk.

I squeezed his side and felt the tears start to burn from the sides of my eyes. I would miss him and I knew short trips would
never make a real relationship but if that was all I could get from Teagan, there was no way I’d ever say no. I looked at him and smiled. We headed back into the tent to dance again. Drinking and dancing made up the last few hours, and as I said tearful goodbyes to all my friends, I felt Teagan’s warm hand rub up and down my back, assuring me that goodbyes weren’t forever and I wasn’t alone.

The
hardest goodbye was to Sean. I saw him across the parking lot and sped off in my sandals, only to fall flat on my face, scraping my knees and crying out in pain. Teagan picked me up and held me as he looked over my injuries.

“Can you walk?” he asked in concern.

“Yes, Jesus. I just want to say goodbye to Sean. Dammit. Did he leave already? I don’t know when I’ll see him again,” I said, crying my eyes out.

Teagan wiped away my tears and told me that it would be soon. “Sean
’s a good lad. We talked a lot about you tonight and he’s a great friend.”

I looked over his shoulder to see that Sean had gotten into Amanda’s car and they were already driving off. I heard music and screaming coming from their car and I smiled.
Crazy fuckers. I would see them again soon. I’d make it a point to reacquaint myself with them after the summer. They were my second family and time wouldn’t keep us apart. They were true friends and would never possibly hurt me. They could always make me laugh and we would always be partying. I knew that escape would be needed once I lost the man in front of me.

“Lizzie!” Teagan snapped his fingers in front of my face. “You keep doing that
.”

“Doing what?” I asked as I swayed to my good knee.

“You keep going off to a faraway place when we’re talking. There’s something going on up there. What is it?” he asked.

“I can’t help but think about when you leave. I think about all the great friends I have and how I take for granted that they live close
enough for me to see anytime yet I never see them. With you, you’ll be gone, and quite honestly, I’m afraid it won’t be the same. You mean something different to me than they all do.” I couldn’t fucking believe I was spilling my guts out to him after we said this would just be a summer fling. I was getting way over my head, and while I put on a brave face and pretended that he was just another guy to me, it wasn’t true. The alcohol was making me spit out shit I shouldn’t have been saying. I’d scare him off. He told me not to fall in love with him, not to get attached, but how the fuck could I do that when he consumed every moment and every thought. He wasn’t just a summer fling. He was someone that treated me with more respect, and something that resembled love, than I’d ever felt.

“Lizzie
, it’ll be okay. We’ll stay in touch. At the end of the summer, we’ll do what needs to be done. I have to finish school and you have to get back to your life. We’ll know how precious this time has been but we’ll also know that it’ll be impossible to stay as we are.”

“Yeah, I know. I
’m just a little drunk, and having my friends around tonight really made me think of the past and how I’ll never get back the time lost. Sometimes I feel like I wasted all those years in Oregon. My close friends are in my past but I want them here in my present too. I know my feelings for you will be stronger after you leave, Teag, and I’m afraid of that longing already.”

Just then, a little girl walked by
, holding her father’s hand. She was probably three years old with long, curly blonde hair. She was crying so hard that it was hard to hear her father’s shushes.

“I want to cry just like her,” I said.

Teagan got in front of me and laughed. Then, he bent his head down to my forehead and said the most amazing words.

“You don’t know how beautiful, adorable
, and sexy you are. Inside and out. You show me your feelings and your fears and it makes you all the more irresistible. If you ever cried that hard, it would rip me to pieces. I hope I never have to see that,” he said with a soft, gentle voice.

I leaned in and kissed him with so much passion, I thought I
’d start sobbing right then. What the hell was wrong with me? I was crying about everything. His words, seeing Sean, leaving friends. But one thing I knew, I was not crying about Chase.

When our kiss broke, he pulled a red rose from behind his back and tucked it behind my ear.

“An Irish rose for my American girl,” he said, pulling me to the car before driving us back to the cabin.

We spent the remainder of the weekend biking around the island, getting ice cream at the local cream shop
, and listening to Sunday’s Reggae Fest down at the docks. It was comfortable and we didn’t waste a moment on the water. It was such a respite from Boston. When we headed back on the ferry to go home, we didn’t go up on deck. We just stayed quiet and listened to music in the car. I could feel our relationship coming to an end. It was clearly the end of our pretend couple weekend as boyfriend and girlfriend, and I knew he could feel the distance, too. It was only July, but I knew we were over. The ride home was easy and quiet. By the time we got back to the apartment, Teagan and I scrambled to his bed and lay there, looking up at the dark ceiling, saying nothing. We didn’t have sex that night but held each other like it was the last thing we’d ever do.

Twenty

Sobering Up

Monday morning came too early and I awoke to Teagan putting his tie on. I looked at him and winked. He smiled but it didn’t reach his eyes.
I stirred and sat up to see what was obviously wrong. He could tell that I noticed the change in his demeanor.

“I
’m so tired. I don’t know why. We had so much sleep and relaxation,” Teagan said as he leaned over and kissed me on the forehead.

“I
’m tired, too.” I sighed. “I need to get up and head out to school.” Teagan shook his head.

“Just wait until the other lads are done showering and
out of here before you get up,” he said as he looked down at his watch. “You still have time to get a little more rest.”

I couldn’t rest anymore. I was wide awake. Why was he so worried about me going out amongst the other guys? Was I not supposed to spend the night?

I looked at him with a blank face. “Are you upset with me, Teag?”

“No, baby, not at all. I just want you to get rest after a long weekend with your friends
.” He leaned down and fingered the necklace he gave me.

“Okay, Teagan. So I
’ll see you after work?”

“Yes. Be here at six. I have a late meeting
,” he said as a matter of fact.

“Sure, no problem
.”

He nodded and squeezed my
arm. When he walked out, he didn’t look back at me with his usual dazzling smile. Just firmly shutting the door behind him.

I was instantly
on guard. Something was really wrong. There was a subtle shift in his mood. Teagan was not the Teagan I knew up until that point. Did he just shut me out? What the fucking hell just happened? He looked the part, he tasted the part, but it was faked. I knew it deep in my bones, and my first thought came in a wave as the hairs rose on the back of my neck. Flight. He won’t hurt me as long as I don’t get too involved. Holy fuck, I was already too involved. It’s time to back off.

Three hours later, I headed out of my class
, walking to my car in a haze. After a blissful weekend and an uneasy morning, I couldn’t help but feel like the biggest loser in the world. I drove home and found Conner out front on the phone, waving his arms in clear frustration. I overheard two words. “Fuck Darcy,” before I headed into the front door and up to my room. I fell on my bed and curled into a ball. A few moments later, the front door slammed and Conner was cursing loudly. His feet pounding up the stairs startled me and I prayed he wasn’t coming towards my door.

When
my door flew open, I could tell he was not only angry but pained.

“Conner, what’s wrong?” I asked in concern.

“It’s nothing. Darcy and I broke up because we can’t see each other very much after the accident and well, it’s tough,” he said gruffly.

There
was nothing I could say because I knew deep down, I was the reason that happened. Darcy and Conner were glued together when I came home from Oregon and I could see the way she looked at him. Conner got that look from a lot of girls at his shows but he never gave them the time of day when he was with Darcy. I guess she had captured his heart a little bit too.

“It doesn’t matter
. I have too much going on anyway. I wouldn’t have any time with her,” he said.

“Conner, I
’m sorry,” I murmured. “I… I…”

He waved his hands at me and smile
d, giving me a brotherly look of love.

“Look, I know you
’ve been going through a hard time since the accident, too,” he said. “You’re important to me, Lizzie. We’re all worried about you and I know that you take a lot of the blame for that night. Darcy explained what she remembers and she said you did try to fight with her not to drive.”

“But I failed
.”

He shook his head
and walked to my bed, wrapping me up in a big hug. I half hugged him back. The phone rang from across the room on my dresser and Conner pulled back.

“O’Malley residence,” he answered.

“Hold on a minute.” He looked to me. “Teagan is on the phone,” he said as he put his hand over the receiver.

I
slowly shook my head back and forth.

“She
’s in the shower. Do you want to leave a message?”

He
muttered a few more things while I ignored his end of the conversation, lying back down on my bed.

He h
ung up and asked, “What’s up with that guy?”

“Not much. He
’s just a friend. He went to Holly’s wedding with me. He’s probably just checking that I got home safely.”

“Well, he wants you to call him back,” he sa
id, brushing off something on his shirt.

I nod
ded and he gave me a curious look before he left my room. Minutes later, he started strumming his guitar and singing a song I’d never heard before.  His voice put me into a trance. I closed my eyes, succumbing to sleep. Sleep had always been a way of escaping a place that I felt was too consuming. My dreams have always been vivid because of my racing thoughts to escape and be something different. That day, I only dreamt of Teagan. We were in a bar in Ireland where he introduced me to all of his family and friends. He dragged me around the city and we were happy. I felt more settled than I ever had.

Waking up to the phone ringing was a horrible disaster. I didn’t want to wake up from that dream. It was the first in a long time that I finally found peace
in. As I threw my legs over the bed, I noticed my nose was completely stuffed, I had a headache, and I felt like throwing up. Damn. I was getting fucking sick. I fucking hated feeling sick. I couldn’t smoke, I couldn’t drink and I couldn’t escape the racing thoughts in my head of everyplace I would have rather been than in bed. The phone stopped ringing as I headed to the bathroom. My mom came up the stairs and handed me the phone.

“There
’s some nice Irish boy on the phone,” she said with a glorious smile. My parents have always been big fans of Ireland and their partial connection to the land.

“Mom, what time is it?” I wince
d.

“Um..
.eight pm,” she said, looking up from her watch. “Are you feeling okay, honey? Oh gosh, I hope you aren’t getting what Conner had last week. I thought it was just the stress of finals,” she said with concern.

I took the phone from her and answer
ed. “Hello?”

“Lizzie, where are you?” Teagan ask
ed. I heard laughter and music in the background and a sudden urge to throw up made me toss the phone down and race to the toilet. I threw up everything I had in me, which wasn’t much, and started dry heaving, like my body wanted to rid itself from any future food as well. My mom gave me a warm cloth over the back of my neck.

My mother clear
ed her throat and put the phone up to her ear. “Hi there. I am sorry but Lizzie isn’t feeling well right now, so she will have to call you back.” After a long pause, I heard her continue to talking for several minutes as she walked back downstairs. Did she just laugh at something he said? God, he was good. Always the charmer.

After flushing the toilet and brushing my teeth, I fe
lt well enough to dress in a sweater and yoga pants before crawling back to bed. I couldn’t keep my temperature right the entire night, and as I fell into a restless sleep, I hoped to get back to the dream of Teagan and me in Ireland, in love and not in this limbo hell that was starting to wear me down. In love? Oh God! I loved him. I was in love with him. I wanted him.

Days flew by in a blur. Mom took some time off to be home with me. She helped me with the B
.R.A.T. diet and soothed my back every time I threw it all back up. Teagan kept calling and was starting to get really worried because I wouldn’t go to the phone. I didn’t know how I felt talking to him now that I knew I had fallen for him. My guard was up and I knew that he could tear it down with just one word. I didn’t want to be a bitch so I asked her if he was sick too and she shook her head. Wednesday afternoon, the phone rang and since I felt a little better, I jumped off my bed to answer it.

“O’Malley residence,” I said.

“Lizzie. Are you okay? How are you getting on? I’ve talked to your mother more than you these past few days,” Teagan said frantically.

“Te
ag, I’ve been really sick. I caught something from Conner. He had this exact same thing last week and, well, I guess it’s my turn. I’m feeling much better though. I think the worst part is over. It must be the 48 hour bug or something.”

“Ah, good. Then, we
’ll see each other tonight? Remember I told you I’m heading to New York City with Cian this weekend, right?” he asked.

“Um
…” I put my fingers to my temples. “Yeah, sure. Big Apple. That should be fun for you guys. You’ll love the Empire State Building, The Twin Towers, and Statue of Liberty.”

He laughed in my ear. “Lizzie
, am I going to see you before I go? It’s been two nights without you. It’s cold here,” he whispered seductively. I could tell he was smiling. Double shit. The guard was officially down. Take it easy, Lizzie. Play it cool.

“I don’t know about tonight, Te
ag. I’m still not feeling very well.”

“Well, can I come to your house? I
’ll make you some soup and we can listen to music. Your guitar is still here. I can bring it to you,” he said, slightly pleading.

“How will you make it out here?”
I asked, thinking of the long T ride and the three mile walk.

“I
’ll take the T. I can be out there in a hour.” he asked.

“Teagan, this flu is…” I started.

“Lizzie, I don’t give a shit about the flu. Just let me come out and see you. I told your mom that I’d like to have dinner with them sometime, so I’ll come to you,” he said.

“Fine, but don’t forget that I warned you
.” I smirked.

“See you in an hour then,” he said then hung up, probably so I
couldn’t protest.

An hour later, I shivered
, despite the 80 degree weather and waited on my front doorstep for Teagan to show up. I really couldn’t understand his urgency to see me but it was giving me the butterflies. I did not want him to know I went and fell in love with him when he specifically told me not to. I watched the yellow cab pull up to the front of the house and I stood to watch him gather his black duffel bag out of the back. After he paid the driver, he turned and stood there watching me stand there, watching him back. Slowly, he walked towards me. His eyes never left mine.

“You look beautiful,” he said.

“You’re a fucking liar,” I retorted.

He smiled a
s I started towards the door. Back in my house, I made the introductions between Teagan, Conner. my mother and father. Dad was away on a business trip and had just gotten back that day. He was pleased to see I was making new friends. They sat and talked for a little while. I just stayed at the kitchen table with my head over my crossed arms, watching them chat easily. It was nice that Teagan was there. I’d been in his world for so many weeks that I never thought he’d want to get to know mine. But this wasn’t my world. This was just the house I grew up in and the family I ran home to at the age of 23. Unsettled, I stood up and took Teagan’s hand, leading him up to my bedroom.

I
lay down on my bed and he sat at the end of it, taking off my sneakers and rubbing my feet. I moaned. God, I missed his touch. His presence was so absent that I never realized how powerful it was. I thought about every time we had sex, and how I took it for granted. Every time he held me, I didn’t pay attention to the zings that went through my body. It was probably because I was drunk almost every time it happened.

He got up on the bed and spooned me from behind, whispering how much he missed me over the last few days and
how he was so glad to finally have me back in his arms. I listened to him talk, and as I felt the zings of his hands caress my shoulders, arms, waist, and ass, I fell into a deep sleep. There was no reason to dream. I had him in my bed and he encompassed everything important to me at that moment.

I woke up to him whispering my name. I darted up immediately
and was reminded that I was ill. I flew out of my room and to the bathroom, where I threw up nothing. Again. Thank fuck. I didn’t want vomit all over my hair or my mouth while Teagan was there. Jesus, what the hell was he still doing there anyway? I could clearly see through the skylight of the bathroom that it was pitch black outside. How long had I been asleep? Why didn’t anyone wake me up before then?

I went back into my bedroom to see Teagan was under my covers and his pants were on the floor. I looked at him
, stunned. Sure, I had guys sneak into my room on occasion but never had a guy blatantly spent the night. My parents had to know he was still there since my car hadn’t moved from the spot I parked in that afternoon.

He looked up to me with a concern
ed look on his face. “Are you feeling okay, Lizzie? You’re really worrying me.”

“I’m fine but
it’s really late, Teag. You have to go home. My parents are very traditional. They don’t know that I spend all of my time at your house. They don’t ask because I am old enough to do what I want but when it comes to their place, well…no sleepovers with guys until after marriage,” I said, rolling my eyes.