Walk on the Wild Side (14 page)

 

Jack pulled her close and took her as if he were about to board a ship and face six months' celibacy. Which he was. But it was so much more than this that he was going
to miss. He wanted to be with her as the house was put back together, wanted to laugh with her, wanted just to be with her.

Every hour he knew he ought to say something. But every hour he waited made it worse and he couldn't and he was so angry with himself for feeling wrong about something that was right.

That was it—the dream he'd been chasing all his life. He had to go.

And, he figured, how she reacted would be his final answer. Whether she wanted him for something more, or whether this was simply fun sex with a few complications. Complications that for him were becoming increasingly awful.

 

On Thursday morning Jack was out of bed hours before she was. He'd made her a light breakfast as he had every morning since they'd come together again. But he didn't touch the toast he had on his own plate. ‘Kelsi.'

She glanced at him, surprised and silenced by the pale tension in his face.

‘I'm flying to Canada on Friday.'

She swallowed back the excess spit that had just surged in her mouth and clamped down on her muscles. Now was not the time for morning sickness. ‘Next week?'

‘No. I mean tomorrow.'

She reeled in disbelief. Started to giggle—but it died before it bubbled from her lips because he was looking horribly serious. ‘When did you book the ticket?'

‘Monday.'

So he'd known most of the week? ‘Why didn't you tell me?'

He stood up from the table but didn't walk. ‘I—'

‘Didn't want to.' That was obvious. So only twenty-four hours out from his departure he was landing it on her. She supposed she should be grateful for even that long. It could have been only a couple. She tried not to let panic clutch hold of her. ‘How long will you be gone for?'

‘Three or four months.'

Wow. She pushed her plate of toast away. Here it was—that future she'd been ignoring. She'd known. His knee was better, he was increasing his exercise.

But she just hadn't believed it. She'd got dazzled by the intensity of their togetherness in the last few days. Had actually started to think his insatiable hunger and need to be near her might mean something more.

But all it had been was him making the most of things before he went away. Having the fun while he could. But he'd have fun over there, too—he was going off with his mates and the snowbunnies and temptation and she was as jealous as hell. And hurt.

He was leaving her. Of course he was leaving her. Had she been so stupid to think that he wouldn't? Yes, she had.

Three or four months meant he'd be away when she had her scan. Her baby's first photo and he wouldn't be there. The first of a million milestones that he'd miss. Just as her father had missed most of hers.

Her baby deserved better.

‘Kelsi?'

He was watching her closely. What did he expect—that she'd smile and say OK? It wasn't OK, she wasn't going to make it that easy for him. He wanted everything too easy.

‘Um…' Emotion swamped her—pain and anger. Her hands shook and she curled her fingers to stop it. She couldn't get past the shock. And the cold hard truth of his
rejection. There wasn't even the tiniest consideration that she might go with him. He was just going to walk out and leave her.

Military wives coped with their men leaving all the time. She knew that. But they had promises and security—and she didn't mean financial.

Emotional. There was no emotional security with Jack.

‘Kelsi. You'll be fine. You'll be secure here.'

The air punctured her lungs like shards of glass, deflating the last of her dreams. Did he really think that was all that mattered? What about her heart? Her shaking only worsened and she stood. He'd given her more than that security. He'd given her a child and empty hope. And as payment he'd taken her heart. Only he didn't actually want it.

And that was the horrible reality, wasn't it—he didn't want
her
. Not for anything more than a little fling.

‘Our sleeping together again was a really big mistake,' she mumbled.

‘It had to happen, Kelsi, you know it did. You can't regret it.'

She didn't look at him. It had to happen? What, they'd had to burn it out? But it wasn't burned out—for her it meant more than ever. Her hands slid to her belly. She regretted everything.

‘No,' he said firmly. ‘Do
not
regret that.' He walked across the room—halfway to the door already. ‘Kelsi, I have to go. This is my life.'

Yeah. His life of travel and adventure and always striving to push his body to the absolute boundaries of ability—all so admirable. Her anger raged—because his ‘extreme' life was so safe. And so selfish.

‘And this is
mine
. You have to get on with yours, Jack, I
get that. But I have to move on and make a life for myself and my child.'

He turned back to face her. ‘What do you mean?'

‘I mean I'm going to get on with it.'

‘Without me.'

‘You're the one choosing to leave.'

‘And there's no coming back? Is that it?'

She nodded fiercely.

‘What, this is some kind of ultimatum?' His voice rose.

Yeah. She wanted to test him—she wanted the truth in his answer. ‘That too big a pill for you, Jack? Someone asking you for something?'

‘You're not asking, you're demanding. And your price is too high.'

So it was true that words were mightier than the sword—words could hurt in a way that physical wounds couldn't. They could poison, and tear apart. She felt as if he'd just sliced her womb open—exposing her and her baby to extreme vulnerability.

His anger lifted. ‘You'd really rather I didn't come back at all?'

Kelsi clung to the back of the dining chair, gripping it with both hands. Trying to breathe normally, not take the great gulps that would give her away—that would accelerate into sobs all too soon. Her brain strained to function, to protect herself and the tiny life inside her.

‘I have to go,' he said too firmly. ‘I'm sorry, Kelsi.'

She'd heard those meaningless words before. She'd been let down so many times before. What was she going to tell her child? Sorry, honey, but Daddy was too busy getting his kicks flipping round mountains to call in. ‘There's more to life than tricks and turns and casual sex.'

His muscles bunched. ‘This is my job. You have to understand that.'

She could tell this baby that until she was blue in the face but there was always, always that kernel inside that felt the rejection personally. The child would still know that it wasn't a priority. That its father couldn't be bothered—that his work was more important.

Rejection. There was nothing like it.

Kelsi knew the feeling all too well. And even though she had the most wonderful mother who had loved her and supported her—it was still there. There was still that kernel—the one grit of sand that rubbed a tiny spot raw.

Her father hadn't wanted her. And had let her down again and again.

Just as Jack was letting this child down.

He wouldn't change his lifestyle for it. Hotel rooms. A few months here. A few months there. Hell, he wouldn't even be in Christchurch much. When he was in New Zealand he'd be at Karearea Lodge for the season. All this time fixing up the house hadn't been for
him
. His interest in the kitchen design had just been a passing entertainment. The whole thing was simply another project—a job to get done a.s.a.p. so he could get back to the fun bits. Without her.

And she was such a fool. ‘What happened to shared custody?' Her voice rose, wobbling. ‘What happened to you taking me to court and fighting me for your right to be a father?'

‘You were pushing me out, Kelsi. I had to say something. I had to keep you talking to me. I needed time.'

‘For what? To sleep with me some more while you sorted out the house and the money and stuff so then you could go on your merry way feeling like everything was
just fabulous? Was this just another little challenge? Was
I
just another challenge?'

‘Kelsi, you're not thinking rationally. You're pregnant and you're getting upset.'

‘Don't you dare blame my getting upset on pregnancy hormones. You're being a selfish jerk, Jack. Own up to it. And if you want out, then get out for good.'

‘No, you're being unreasonable. What do you want from me?' he shouted. ‘I'm working as hard as I can to fix this.'

He was throwing some money around and escaping.

‘And I'm having a baby,' she shouted back. ‘But the timing sucks and you're not the father my child needs. I wanted to give my child what I didn't have. While my mother was fantastic, I know how hard she had to work, the sacrifices she made and what she missed out on because she had me so young and all on her own. I didn't want to let her down by making the same mistake.'

‘You were not a mistake,' Jack said quickly. ‘Our being together was not a mistake. Our child is not a mistake.'

‘No, but our continuing to have any kind of a relationship is.' She slammed the chair into place beneath the table. ‘You're walking out, Jack. You can't cope with the idea of settling. Your pattern is fixed and it isn't going to change and that's fine. But I'm not putting my child in a position to have to deal with you popping in and out of its life like a jack-in-the-box.' She looked up at him. ‘I know what it's like to be let down time and time again.' She straightened. ‘I won't let you do it. I'm going to move out and make my own home for my baby.'

‘This is ridiculous Kelsi.' His temper flared and he walked towards her. ‘Be honest. This isn't even about the baby. You keep saying it is but it isn't. This is about you. You're mad because I'm leaving you.'

Of all the arrogant, cruel, utterly
correct
things to throw at her. She was furious. Yes, she'd fallen for him. He'd made her fall for him. She wanted him to be with her—to want to be with her. But she'd be damned if she was going to admit that. Not when he so clearly didn't want her the same way.

‘Not at all, Jack,' she said, her pride bursting out like New Year's fireworks lighting the sky. ‘You can go any time you like. It doesn't bother
me
.'

‘Really.' He pulled up taut.

‘Of course,' she said, her words brittle and bitchy. ‘This is just a fling. It's always been fantasy sex. Physical attraction and all that. You know we're not compatible in any other aspect.'

‘Really.' Now he spoke with equally cool precision. ‘OK, so if this isn't about you or about us, then it
is
about the baby. But are you sure you're doing such a great job thinking about what will really be of benefit to our child?'

‘
I'm
the one putting this child first, Jack.'

‘You're putting your own hang-ups first,' he snapped. ‘I'm not like your father. I'm not lying—I'm not going to promise something I have no intention of following through on. I'll always step up to my responsibilities but I will do it my way. Yes, a child needs security and consistency but it's also important for him to see his parents happy and fulfilled and achieving their dreams. So the kid learns that it's possible to make dreams come true.'

He walked towards her making his case—articulate, driven, compelling—and slicing the certainty from her.

‘So our child won't have a dad in a conventional job or parents in a conventional relationship. So what? Why does that mean I have to be excluded completely from its life?
You don't think the kid might actually be proud of what I do?'

Kelsi folded her arms across her chest and pressed her hands deeper into her sides to stop the hurt escaping.

‘I have got a lot I can offer that child—much more than money. I can teach our child passion and in a few years it can travel with me. Imagine the unique experiences I can provide. It'd be a blast.'

She gulped to hold back her gasp—because that really hurt. That hurt more than anything. Because there'd been no mention—no hint even—of her travelling with him. Of her becoming involved in the one true passion of his life.

His mouth compressed at her lack of response. ‘I'm the one doing all the running here, Kelsi. I've put my job on hold for the last fortnight so I can sort you out a home and some security—financial and physical. I'm doing all I can to compromise. It's about time you did, too.'

‘Two weeks, huh, Jack?' Scorn poured from her. ‘How big of you to give it so long. I'm automatically landed with the next nine months. Think on that for a minute, why don't you?'

Jack stalked to the door. ‘I won't ever deny that you have the bigger burden, Kelsi. But nor will I let you deny all that I have to contribute as well.'

K
ELSI
operated on sub-normal capacity all day. She'd have to catch up on work in the upcoming weekend again. Theoretically that was no problem, because by then she wouldn't have anyone around to distract her.

But Jack was in her head distracting her now. His words repeated round and round, making her feel really, really bad. She hadn't thought about the full implication of her threat, she'd just hit out because she was hurt.

If she was honest, she'd admit he had a point. He'd been doing everything he could, while she'd stropped around all preoccupied by her insecurities and yearnings for him. She'd protested she was trying to protect her child, but it was all about protecting herself. Her need to carve him from her life was purely for self-preservation. But the baby didn't deserve to miss out on all the good things he had to offer. Lots of people had all kinds of co-parenting arrangements that worked beautifully. She was just going to have to toughen up and get over wanting so much more from him.

But oh, it hurt. How deeply she'd fallen for him. How sky-high her dreams had travelled. They crashed now.

She got home and to her relief he wasn't there. But his presence, his force of will, was evident everywhere—and his incredible productivity. The downstairs flats had
been gutted and the space opened up so the skeleton—and flaws—could be seen. They just had to fix up all the failings and finalise the design of the rebuild. He'd been attentive to her physical security on other levels, too, cooking her dinner night after night, breakfast in the morning. All this while still driven in his own rehab exercise regime. There weren't any wild nights on the town or millions of women. There was only consistent effort—from him. Getting the job done so he could get back to the good bits.

And was that so bad of him? Was it wrong to be so determined to fulfil his dreams and ambitions? People had to be driven to achieve and the world needed achievers in all kinds of disciplines. He'd learned the lesson from his father's choices—that he had to prioritise. And in his chosen field there was a time limit. Could she really expect him to give that up?

No. And she didn't want to either.

But maybe it was time for her to think about her own dreams, too—for her own career, for her own longing to travel. Couldn't she do that, too?

She walked outside and looked at Jack's makeshift skate park. The man knew how to make the most out of every inch of space and of every moment.

She definitely wanted her child to grow up believing dreams were attainable—its own dreams, not those put upon it by parents. And maybe Jack was right—maybe it was work ones that mattered, not relationships. If that meant her baby saw her set up her own web design company, then great. And if it meant standing on the side of a mountain and watching Jack hurtle down it faster than the speed of light, then so be it.

But the streaming ideas didn't fix the glitch in her heart. Yes, she could start up her own company. Yes, she could
travel. But, fool that she was, she wanted to do all that with him. Yet that wasn't an option that had even crossed his mind.

So while she'd teach her baby about following its dreams, she'd give it a base, too—the home and security she knew were so necessary. They might not be for Jack, but they were for most normal people.

She heard movement outside and glanced out of the window. He was home. She steeled herself. She could suck it up. And she had to start now.

She went down to the yard. He was riding, sending his board sliding across the planks he'd positioned on some make-you-wince angle.

‘I was a cow. A complete cow.' She just said it. ‘I'm really sorry.'

He jumped off the board and looked at her.

‘You're right. You've got to go. It's your job. I'll be fine. This place is going to be fantastic and please understand I do appreciate it. Not having to worry about a home and money is such a big thing, Jack. It really is.'

He ruffled his hair, his hand spread wide as he mussed it up.

‘I'll be fine while you're gone and I'll be here when you get back. I was really childish saying I was going to move and shut you out.' She swallowed up all the humble pie. ‘You were right, I wasn't thinking about what's best for the baby. I know you won't be like my dad.'

Her heart ached as she said it. He wouldn't be—she knew that in the times that he was around, Jack would be an awesome, involved, super-fun dad. She was just sad he wasn't going to be around all the time. But permanence didn't seem to be in Jack's make-up. He needed to keep on the move, always striving for something just out of reach.
She glanced up to check his reaction. He looked as sombre as she felt.

‘We can make it work,' she said, trying to sound sure of it.

‘OK,' he said quietly. ‘Thank you.'

She blinked.

‘What about us?' he asked, moving closer to the jump between them.

Well, he hadn't exactly mentioned ‘them' when he'd dropped the ‘I'm flying out on Friday' bombshell. But that was the point—there wasn't ‘them'. ‘You were right about that, too. It isn't about us. It's about the baby.'

He paused. ‘I do like you, Kelsi. I like you a lot.'

Yeah, this was where it got messy again. ‘I like you, too,' she said quickly. ‘And we can be friends, Jack. I know we can be friends.' They could make it all work. But the lovers bit of it wasn't ever meant to last—Jack didn't do relationships like that. Really, his going away was a good thing—it gave her time to try to get over him.

He walked over the raised plank with an easy gait. ‘So.' His voice lowered and he looked rueful. ‘That's it, then.'

‘Yeah,' she said, her voice a mere thread. ‘Don't you think?'

For a moment it was there between them—the awareness almost visible. Complicating it again had been the dumbest thing they'd done. But he'd been right about that, too—she couldn't regret it. It had been the experience of a lifetime.

Now she wanted to keep the memories pure. Keep them filled with the sense of fun and freedom—and keep that special boost to her personal confidence. He really had wanted her. And, even though he wanted other things more, it had still been wonderful of him.

But she couldn't do a last kiss or a last lust moment. No
way could she enjoy it if she knew it was the last. No way could her fragile heart handle the finality.

‘You're right.' He nodded, moving away to retrieve his skateboard.

‘I'm going to get a takeaway for dinner tonight,' she said. ‘I really fancy a curry.'

‘Sure.' He nodded. ‘I've got some people I need to see before I go tomorrow.'

They understood each other, then. No dinner in her flat together. No more time alone. The decisions had been made and agreement reached.

She actually did get a takeaway—for fear he'd notice if she didn't. He was too observant when it came to her eating and sleeping and general welfare. And he actually did go out, too. She lay awake until she heard him get back. She lay awake the rest of the night, too, watching the sky slowly lighten on the day of his departure.

She nibbled on the corner of a plain cracker for breakfast but didn't manage anything more than that. Her nerves were shredded. The sooner she got today over with, the better. So she got ready for work early and then knocked on his door. He opened it immediately—as if he'd been waiting just the other side of it. Fully dressed and clearly ready to go.

‘What time is your flight?' She stepped back on the landing, trying to keep it together.

‘Mid-morning. Connection to Auckland first.'

She nodded.

‘Alice is coming in first thing and I'll get the paperwork done giving you final authority and access to the charge account. Have whatever you want.'

‘Thanks,' she muttered. But this house was going to be so empty without him—no matter how beautiful she made
it or how many things she crammed into it, the void would be huge.

‘You take care of yourself.' His blue eyes penetrated—all concern. ‘Make sure you eat well.'

‘I promise. I'll take good care of both of us.'

He nodded but didn't relax. In fact his body went rigid. His hand fisted and he thrust it into his jeans pocket. ‘Don't be mad with me.' His jaw muscles clenched. ‘But I made you an appointment already.'

Jack really didn't want her to be mad or hurt or unhappy—about any of this mess between them.

Even though he was feeling all three.

But now he knew he couldn't ask her to go with him, not when she was pregnant and vulnerable—that was a given. And now he knew she wouldn't accept even if she wasn't. According to her, they weren't compatible. It really was just a fling. She didn't want him for anything other than that and she never had.

That day on the beach when he'd been so careful to tell her he was going away? She laughed—it hadn't bothered her in the least.

When he'd turned up on her doorstep? She'd been cool.

When he'd offered her help? She'd refused.

The only thing they did agree on was the heat between them. But for the first time in his life he realised he didn't have any foundation to spring from. Now he knew there was just this void—so he had to keep moving or he'd come crashing down.

Now he knew he did want some solid stability. But it wasn't to be—not with Kelsi. Hell, maybe it was fate paying him back for all those years ‘playing'.

Jack had never known rejection before. It hurt.

But it reinforced the rightness of his decision. He'd go.
He'd work. He'd forget. And when he got back it would all be better—right? He just hoped he could live with it.

He held out the business card as if it were a last challenge.

She took it, quickly skimming the words printed on it.

An obstetric specialist. Kelsi recognised the name—the surgeon was based at the premier private women's health clinic in the city.

‘You'll go? It's all paid for in advance.' He actually went paler. ‘But I'll be back well before…um…it arrives.'

Kelsi tried not to show her surprise at his steamroller approach to deciding on her care. He was so insistent about this. But she didn't want to fight. Saying goodbye was tough enough.

‘I'll go.' She took a step away. ‘But I really should get going to work. I don't want to be late.'

‘You're walking again.'

‘Sure. You were right, it is better. I beat all the banked-up traffic.' Trifling talk was so much easier than dealing with all that was unsaid.

And his answering grin was small, but it was there.

‘So, I'll see you in a bit.' Her throat had gone all tight. She turned so she wouldn't have to look at him. So he wouldn't see the waterfalls building in her eyes.

‘Right,' he said. ‘Soon.'

She walked to the top of the staircase. ‘You go get your trick, Jack. Get the gold.' Kelsi really, really wanted that for him. She wanted him to be happy.

He didn't move from his doorway and she was halfway down before he suddenly spoke. ‘Kelsi, you can call me if you need me, OK?'

She nodded but didn't turn back. Too busy concentrating on the stairs and on holding back the tears.

She strode fast, out past the over-the-top fencing and along the road that took her to the heart of the city. She ran her thumb across the edge of the obstetric's card. She'd have to diary the appointment in her computer or she'd forget.

A few minutes into the walk—well out of sight of the house—she stopped mid-path to put the card in her purse. She stared at it, her brain ticking. His insistence bothered her. Why was he so concerned for her health? Why had he always made such an effort to cook her all those decent meals. Why did he want her to have a team of specialists for what should be a perfectly normal, healthy pregnancy? What had he seen that made him so nervous? Hadn't his mother ever—?

Her thoughts seized.

His mother.

She sat down at the bus stop a little along from where she'd stopped. She pulled out her iPhone and pulled up the internet for a search. But this time she read the Wikipedia profile instead of being sidetracked by the YouTube clips of all his tricks. This time she hunted through for the bit about his background. Born in China—in a remote mountain village where his father was prepping for an expedition. There it was—just a single line detailing his early arrival, and his mother's death only hours later.

No wonder he was anxious about prenatal care. His mother had died giving birth to him.

Kelsi put her phone in her bag and stood up. Her legs wobbling as she digested that tragedy. Poor Jack. And poor Jack's dad—no wonder he'd put his own adventures on hold. No wonder things were so complicated. And why was it only now that she realised just how much she loved him? She wanted to make it all so much better—to support
him however he needed. When she had so much to give, why didn't he want it?

Hardly watching where she was going, she walked, her breathing a little difficult. She definitely should walk more often if she was this unfit. But now the edges of her vision were darkening. Had something gone wrong with her contacts? She shook her head and blinked several times to clear it. Distantly, the thought registered that she wasn't wearing contacts today. But the blackness was all-encroaching now.

And all of a sudden the world went woosh.

 

‘Kelsi? Kelsi?'

Kelsi frowned. Who was calling her?

‘Kelsi, are you OK?'

‘Alice?' What was the interior decorator doing here? What was Kelsi doing here—flat out on the footpath?

‘I think you fainted. Have you hit your head?'

She struggled to sit up. Her stomach rocked as if she was on a catamaran in a storm round Cape Horn. ‘Wow,' she said, desperately trying to recover some dignity. ‘That was embarrassing.'