Weapons of Mass Seduction (3 page)

Once the clapping died down, Joey went on. “When you hear the word
sensuality,
” she said, pronouncing each syllable slowly, as if she were in the middle of an orgasm, “what is the very first thought that pops into your mind?”

“Sex!” the bottled blonde sitting at their table enthusiastically responded.

“Please, a show of hands, how many of you agree?” Joey asked.

By Pia's count, at least two thirds of the hands were airborne. She and the white woman with the big hairdo and the Chanel suit were the only two in their dinner group with both hands in their laps. Pia didn't know the other woman's rationale, but Joey's question was too thought-provoking for her to offer an immediate response. And truthfully, she wasn't quite ready for any group participation.

“Yes, most people do think that
sexual
and
sensual
are synonymous, and for sure, sensuality is a key ingredient in achieving a richer, more satisfying sexual experience. But, my lovelies, sensuality is
much
more encompassing than just a mere sexual perk. To be sensual means to be acutely aware of your surroundings. It's the joyous preoccupation with what you smell, touch, hear, taste, and see. With the right state of mind, you can make
anything
a sensual experience—eating, walking, dancing, gardening, laundry…you name it.

“How many of you have taken the towels out of the dryer and instead of plopping them down on the folding table, have brought them to your nose and smelled the fabric softener, or rubbed the warm terry across your cheek?” Joey asked, describing the action in a way that made doing wash actually sound interesting. “No? Why not? Because it is just laundry?

“Sensual people
savor
the world around them, not simply observe it. They
experience
each task rather than rush through it to get at some imagined end, and in so doing, live a more passionate and appreciative existence.

“So by living sensually, you begin to see the world in vivid color and delight in the goodness that envelops you daily. You're always in the moment and aren't hung up on the future or the past. And this, my lovelies, has a huge bearing on how you perceive life…and sex,” she said ending her statement with a conspiratorial wrinkle of her nose.

While interested in her words, Pia found herself mesmerized by the strength of Joey's individualism, the power of her sexual energy, and the effectiveness of a coquettish aura that didn't match her appearance but still seemed completely natural.

“The Weapons of Mass Seduction workshop is designed to help reawaken this lost side of your womanliness—your sensual side—the side that easily gets pushed away as life becomes more demanding and age and other people's opinions take their toll on your feminine confidence.”

A soft chorus of “Mmm-hmm's” drifted through the atmosphere. It was obvious that Joey had the audience's rapt attention.

“Over the next few days, you'll discover ways to awaken your soft, alluring feminine side and live life with greater pleasure and joy and less stress. From the living room to the bedroom and everywhere in between, we'll explore the sensual
you
and learn how to use your unique sensuality to create an extraordinary atmosphere in which to live, love, and, of course, make love. Because when you feel like a sensual woman you behave like one. And that confidence, my lovelies, is the true secret to driving your partner wild in bed.”

With that comment the room erupted into a thunderous ovation accompanied by the hoots and hollers of a room full of women ready to explode. Though Joey's words had resonance for her, Pia remained seated, taking in the scene, still unconvinced that staying had been the right decision. After years of playing hide-and-seek with her sexual self through celibacy, was she really ready to step into the open?

“Now, before we enjoy our sumptuous opening night supper,” Joey continued as the applause tapered off, “I'd like you to take the next few moments to get to know the other incredible women in your group. Please introduce yourselves and tell the others a little bit about you and why you're here. After that, I'd like you to divide yourselves into teams of three. Each team will work together for the duration of the workshop.”

Attention turned from Joey in the front of the room to the individual dinner tables. The chatter of introductions buzzed throughout the room. Sitting with Pia was Julie Morgan, a single and, based on her outfit, hot-to-trot thirty-three-year-old native Californian who was now a parole officer in Seattle, Washington. Tracy Lun, a married, childless certified aerobics instructor from San Francisco in her late thirties, was followed by sixty-year-old Rhonda Gardner, a widowed elementary school principal in the San Jose school district with three grown children and four grandchildren. While Tracy was there to add to her marital bliss trick box, both Julie and Rhonda were looking for skills to help get them ahead in the dating game.

“To be honest,” Julie revealed, brushing her bangs from her heavily lined blue eyes, “I'm interested in marrying up. So I'm here trying to get a leg up on the competition—specifically my boss's wife.” Julie's wide, superwhite smile revealed her pleasure at stunning her tablemates. It was obvious the woman delighted in being provocative in more ways than one.

“Well, I guess it's my turn then,” announced a loud Texas accent belonging to a large and curvy woman on Pia's right. “Hi, y'all. I'm Florence Chase, but my friends all call me Flo. I'm a housewife and mother from Dallas, and I have three boys, two in college, both on football scholarships, and my oldest is in the military. Right now he's at Fort Sam Houston trainin' to be a medic. I love scrapbookin', the Dallas Cowboys, and a good ol'-fashioned Texas barbecue. I guess that's about it.”

“Why are you here?” Tracy asked.

“Well, honey, let's see—I'm fifty-three years old and been married half that time. And now after twenty years of havin' kids around, my house is empty and so is my ‘amorous arsenal,' as Joey's ad put it. Figured I'm too damn old to catch me a new man, so I better figure out how to hang on to the old fart I got. Kind of beefing up my own homeland security, as it were,” she said, cutting a teasing eye toward Julie. While Florence's comment triggered laughter from the rest of the group, the slight break in her voice said what Flo didn't—that this was more an exercise in relationship rescue than refreshment.

With that, all heads turned to the young girl sitting next to Pia.

“Hi, I'm Rebecca Vossel.”

An awfully white name even for such a light-skinned sister
, Pia thought, inspecting Rebecca, who was one mess of a woman-child. Her crinkled, honey-toned mane was brushed back into the standard can't-do-anything-with-this-damn-hair ponytail, leaving the girl's nut-colored face wide open for inspection. Hers was a genetic collage of biracial features—full lips and broad nose, high cheekbones and blazing green eyes—and the ultimate sign of mixed parentage—hair too curly to be straight and too straight to be curly. She wore no makeup, a denim dress that screamed “help” instead of “hip,” and sensible “feet don't fail me now” sandals. Pia had seen the type before. Looking like she did, this girl knew what it was like to play second fiddle in an orchestra filled with Barbies.

“I'm twenty-two and from Iowa…”

Well, that explains the name and the dress
, Pia thought.

“I just moved to Chicago to work as a receptionist at an advertising firm. I maxed out my credit card and borrowed the rest from my best friend, Cris, 'cause I really wanted to take this workshop, even though my parents would die if they knew I was here.”

“I can't imagine a cute thing like you having a problem getting a date,” Rhonda offered.

“The men in Chicago are way different from what I was used to in Cedar Falls. I haven't had one date since I moved…not that I dated much at home either.”

“Anything else you'd like us to know?” Pia asked.

“Just that I hope Joey Clements is as good as they say, 'cause she doesn't look like someone who knows how to flirt. I mean, she has a really cool voice, but she looks like somebody's grandma.”

“Hey, we grannies are sexy too,” Rhonda said with bemused admonishment.

“But let's be honest. Isn't Rebecca sayin' what we've all been thinkin'?” Flo asked with a conspiratorial smile. The truth of her statement caused the rest of them to burst into laughter and nod.

“I don't know,” Pia said, “there's something…kind of sexy about her.”

“And you are?” Tracy asked, directing everyone's attention back to the final introduction.

“Hello, ladies. I'm Pia Jamison. I'm from New York; I'm an executive in the music video business.”

“Whoa! You must know a lot of celebrities. Why are
you
taking this class?” Rebecca asked, in awe.

“Actually, I was tricked into attending. I
thought
I was speaking at a conference on the impact of sex in music videos on culture. Apparently my secretary felt it was in her job description to schedule an intervention.”

“Why would she do that?” Flo asked.

Pia quickly threw to the back of her throat the real reason Darlene would hoodwink her like this. She had no intention of following Rebecca's lead and bearing her soul to these strangers. “I guess she thought I needed a little help and knew I wouldn't come to this…”—
bullshit
—“this kind of workshop on my own. All the long work hours and traveling haven't left me much time to date these past few years, and to tell the truth I'm a little rusty with my girl skills,” she explained, settling on the half truth.

“At least all of yours are just rusty. I haven't got any skills at all,” Rebecca interrupted.

“Well, we all need something. That's why we're here, isn't it?” Rhonda added.

“Lovelies, it's about suppertime. If you haven't selected your groups, please do so,” Joey Clements interrupted.

“How should we do this?” Flo asked.

“Let's make it easy,” Tracy suggested. “You three—one squad. Us three—another.” The six women murmured and shrugged their consent and immediately turned their attention from the whole to the newly formed parts.

Pia quickly sized up her partners. Florence Chase seemed perfectly nice, in a loud, colorful Texas kind of way. She was sure her story was deeper than what she was telling, but then again, whose wasn't? And that Rebecca Vossel was a mess. Her personality cocktail of youth, enthusiasm, and desperation could prove to be an annoying combination for the team. Still, Pia fought the impulse to judge her.

“Woo-hoo!” Flo cheered, lifting her wineglass to everyone at the table. “To the future weapons of mass seduction.”

“Book me on the first flight back to New York tomorrow,” Pia barked into the phone while navigating the hotel lobby on her way back to her room. “And then pack up your desk. You're fired. And I really mean it this time.”

“
Chica
, you just got to California. You're supposed to be in class learning something,” Dee said, ignoring her boss.

“Yeah, well, we just finished dinner and here's what I've learned: There's no way I'm doing this. I'm not going to subject myself to some stupid workshop with a bunch of desperate housewives and man-hungry singles. You punked me. The confirmation letter said this was a workshop called Weapons of Mass Seduction: The Impact of Video Vixens on Society, not some bombshell excavation…Oh my God, you actually created that letter yourself, didn't you?”

“Well, you wouldn't have gone otherwise. Come on. Make this your resolution. It's a new year, only two weeks old. Time for a new, flirty you.”

“I don't do the resolution thing.”

“You need professional help,
chica
. Stay and get it.”

“I'm not crazy, Dee,” Pia hissed into her cell phone. “I can't believe you tricked me into coming to this thing. Do you know anything about this workshop?”

“Yes, I'm looking at the ad right now,” Darlene said, and began to read.

 

Need to restock your amorous arsenal?

Is there someone you'd like to meet or a relationship you'd like to renew? In four days you can become a deliciously dangerous

Weapon of Mass Seduction

The WMS workshop will teach you the skills necessary to create a loving, sensual relationship with yourself and others.

You'll learn everything you wanted to know about

 

•
sensuality vs. sexuality

•
winning the flirting game

•
making your life a more enjoyable, passionate and awe-inspiring experience

“Sounds like fun,” Dee concluded.

“Well, it's not. There are lectures, homework, and tests. And Joey Clements, well, she's a piece of work. She's supposed to be some sort of international flirt expert, but she looks more like an escapee from a commune. I mean, she is kind of sexy, but what is some hippie broad going to teach me about flirting with New York men? And”—Pia shook the workshop folder—“I can do this myself.”