Weapons of Mass Seduction (4 page)

“I have just two words for you…Bill Dorante.”

“So our date only lasted an hour. We just didn't hit it off.”

“Okay, two more words: Theo Johnson.”

“Woman, you need a bigger vocabulary,” Pia said, cringing in residual embarrassment. Even though it had been more than six weeks since their crash-and-burn lunch together, she still felt mortified by the mention of his name.

“Well, we had to do something. Grand Nelson is the only man left on the
papi
list, and that makes him the golden sperm. If you blow that, then what?”

“I have no damn clue,” Pia replied as she opened the door to her room.

“Exactly. And that's why you are out in California trying to learn to be a civilized girl again. Now you go do your homework and I'm going home to write my Hector. God willing, we'll both get laid soon.”

Chapter Four

Thursday—Individual Sensuality

I
t was 7:50
A.M
. and Pia sat alone in the WMS makeshift classroom, taking her first exam since graduating from Brown University too many years ago to count. The title, “The Sensual You Self-Test”; the questions, such as “How do you feel about public displays of affection?”; and their multiple-choice answers all had the ring of a cheesy women's magazine self-help quiz. Last night she'd refused to partake, but this morning, while waiting for her teammates, guilt had set in. She was already here, so what the hell. And, as Dee had drilled into her head, she might just learn a thing or two.

“Shopping, and not sure if it's real or faux fur? B…feel it,” Pia declared, and marked her answer. “Free hour? A…get a massage. Sexy elevator music? Meeting? B…listen, lust, and then get back to work.”

She continued down the list of queries and possible answers without incident until she got to question number eight: “What qualities are you most looking for in a lover?”

“A high sperm count,” Pia joked aloud before her giggles quickly fell silent. Even when sex and relationships had been a steady part of her everyday life, she hadn't thought much about what she really
wanted
in a man. She usually just took the package as presented—accepting and valuing the noble qualities and ignoring the flaws for as long as she could before moving on or being pushed aside. Never had she sat and definitively decided what special qualities she was looking for in the man she wanted to love.

“Passion and adventure? Looks and humor? Stability and wealth? Why is there no ‘all of the above'? Because that would be way too easy,” she asked and answered for herself. Pia thought for several minutes before her choice came to her. She had to say that the qualities that would in fact aid in the pursuit of all the others were passion and adventure.

Testing complete, Pia quickly checked the answer key and equivalency table and added up her score. Consulting the “sensuality index,” she was pleased to learn that based on her score of six
B
's and four
A
's, she was still a solidly sensual woman at least on paper.

Satisfied with her results, Pia sat back and watched as the steady flow of workshop participants began, and within ten minutes they'd all gravitated to their newly formed teams. Rebecca arrived and the two women waited several more minutes before a visibly upset Flo joined them.

“How'd you do?” Rebecca asked as she nodded toward Pia's self-test.

“Okay.”

“Well, according to this, I'm Supersensual.” Her smile was a combination of pride and disbelief.

“Go 'head, Jessica Simpson,” Pia responded, keeping her surprise in check. Of all people, Rebecca was the last she'd have pegged as living a hedonistic lifestyle.

“Well, I didn't do so well,” Flo volunteered in a flat voice. “It looks like I am about as sensual as a rock. My score makes me too sensible to be sensual. It's no wonder…” Her voice trailed off into a void of self-pity. Pia and Rebecca traded looks, not knowing whether the polite and proper thing would be to probe further or leave it alone.

“Remember what Joey said,” Pia offered. “This test isn't to make you feel bad about yourself but to give you an indication of where you stand and what you need to work on.”

“Yeah, well, too late. I feel horrible and apparently I need to work on everything,” Flo said. Silence, heavy with the embarrassment that comes when strangers confess the intimate details of their personal lives, settled around them.

“I don't know how much to believe this test, 'cause my score definitely doesn't match my love life,” Rebecca revealed, politely trying to take the focus away from Florence. “Guys just don't get me—at least not the ones I like. When I go out, it's like I'm invisible. They want hot girls who love to party. So what chance does someone like me have?” Rebecca asked, her eyes almost pleading with Pia.

“Well, you know what they say, ‘Beauty is only skin deep.'” Pia's words sounded scripted and insincere even to her, but what else do you say to someone you've just met who insists on unpacking all their personal baggage at your feet?

“Wonder what that's all about,” a woman seated behind them commented, gesturing to six easels draped with lavender silk.

“I think we're about to find out.”

“Good morning, lovelies,” Joey Clements's husky voice rang from the doorway. She floated to the front of the room, wearing another gossamer caftan, this time in purple. There was an alluring lightness that surrounded the woman. Despite what Rebecca might think, it was clear to Pia that Joey Clements possessed the much-coveted “it factor.”

“I hope you each had a wonderful evening and are ready to begin in earnest the transformation into your sensual selves. Today we are going to delve into the realm of
individual sensuality
.” There was an enticing lilt to her voice that was both seductive and commanding.

“Society erroneously teaches women that we should
feel
sensual only when we are
acting
sexual. But a true weapon of mass seduction revels in her feminine side and strives to feel good even when there is no one around. How? By surrounding herself with comforting textures, sounds, scents, tastes, and a visually pleasing persona and environment. This increases a woman's sense of beauty, pleasure, gratitude, and, most important, self-worth.

“Let's do a quick exercise. I'd like each team to put together a list of items to be included in a gift basket for a newborn. Please note the purpose for each item.”

Pia felt her heart expand and contract ever so slightly. The last thing she'd expected in a flirt workshop was baby talk. It was disconcerting to participate in an exercise focused on preparing for the arrival of an infant when she was so far away from home trying to expand her chances of creating one.

“Good thing we have a mother of three on our team,” Rebecca remarked.

“Yes, but it's been a long time. My babies are old enough to make babies of their own. But I guess the basics never change. Let's see: receivin' blankets, gowns, onesies, socks, and a few bibs are really about all the clothes they need when they first get here.”

“And lotion, shampoo, powder. I love the way babies smell. Fresh and sweet,” Rebecca added, furiously writing the list.

“Pia?”

“Ah, I don't know. You two seem to have it covered.”

“You New York career girls, too busy workin' to think about havin' babies,” Flo remarked. She noticed the subtle drop of Pia's eyes and slight twist of her lips before moving on. “Well, every baby I've ever known has needed diapers and wipes.”

“What about those wipe warmers? Those things are cold on a little bottom. And a mobile over the crib. They're supposed to stimulate the baby,” Rebecca offered.

“And a lambskin rug to lie on,” Pia softly voiced. “And music. Soft, soothing tunes. Smooth jazz, classical, new age.”

“That's good. I say we add a few books and we're done,” Flo said, just as Joey brought the group's attention back to her.

“So why, do you ask, in a workshop about turning women into sensual weapons are we making lists more appropriate for a baby shower? To prove my point: that from birth to around age four or five, there is nothing surrounding our children that isn't intended to stimulate every one of their senses with tastes, scents, and textures that are varied and appealing. We intentionally buy things that feel good to the skin, smell pleasant, and sound soothing. And then, somewhere around the time kids discover self-pleasuring, we begin to associate sensuality with sexuality and things change drastically. Suddenly, sensuality is discouraged and becomes something we adults pull out of our trick bags when we want to spice up our sex lives.

“Honesty Moment: You walk into your seven-year-old daughter's room one morning and find the pajamas she went to bed in are on the floor and she is sleeping happily nude. ‘Why?' you ask. ‘Because the sheets feel good on my skin,' she says. Please, a show of hands: How many of you would be shocked and bothered and insist that she sleep with pajamas so she wouldn't catch cold or some other concocted reason?”

Slowly the hands of nearly three quarters of the room rose into the air. Apparently Joey's point had hit home. Why was sensuality considered an imperative in early childhood and then snatched away before puberty?

“Whoa, that is so my mother,” Rebecca whispered to Pia, keeping her hands defiantly in her lap. “Once she and I went shopping for school clothes. I didn't put on a bra under my slip 'cause I liked the silky feeling, and she got so upset she slapped me. She said the boys would think I was a slut.”

“Shhh,” Flo gently admonished, putting her index finger to her lips and tilting her head toward the front of the room.

“So it is time to take back your sensuality and
revel
in it once again,” Joey was saying. “A woman's sensuality truly takes root in her
individuality
. A woman comfortable with her uniqueness is a
confident
woman. And a confident woman is a
sexy
woman! So you must first find the things about you that are unique and interesting and make you feel good about being you.

“Yes?” Joey interrupted herself to acknowledge Rebecca's waving hand.

“What if there's just nothing that's interesting about you? What if you've spent your entire life trying not to be noticed and now nobody does?” Her comment raised the curious eyebrows of her teammates.

“Or maybe you've spent most of your life being somebody else's somebody,” a voice called out.

“Yeah, like a mother,” added another sympathetic participant.

“Or a wife or lover.”

“Or a wife
and
a lover,” Julie quipped, making the group around her snicker uncomfortably.

“Or all of the above plus about a hundred other job titles,” Flo added.

“So the question is,” Joey stepped in, “how do you wear all of those hats and find your authentic self beneath them?”

“Exactly. How do you find someone you never realized you'd lost?” Flo asked.

Or have kept hidden for so long?
Pia wondered in her head.

Or never knew,
thought Rebecca.

“Well, you dig deep and excavate. You dust off the precious relic, polish her up, and
voilà
: You discover what Dubya and others couldn't—a bona fide WMS.

“This morning we're going to talk about ways to bring out the incomparable you hiding behind all those titles, expectations, marketing campaigns, and celebrity endorsements. And we begin with identifying your personal charisma.”

With all the flair of Vanna White, Joey walked to the easels and dramatically removed the fabric from each, revealing poster-size photographs of six very famous celebrities. Staring back at the audience with their perfect toothy grins were Sharon Stone, Whoopi Goldberg, Angelina Jolie, Reese Witherspoon, Oprah Winfrey, and Halle Berry.

“
Charisma
. Every woman has her own distinctive brand of ‘star quality.' You don't have to be famous to own and use it to your best advantage. Charisma is not
what
you are—your job or role—but
who
you are. It is your own ‘secret sauce' that helps connect you emotionally, intellectually, and even spiritually to others. Your personal charisma might be flashy or flamboyant. Maybe it's quiet and intoxicating or warm and witty. Once you identify yours and really own it, it can never be taken away.

“So with the help of these well-known ladies, let's look at what I believe to be the six main types of charisma:

“POWER CHARISMA,”
she said, pointing to Sharon Stone, “is all about chutzpah. Sharon is shocking and fearless, and standing next to her you just might be a little intimidated by her energy and intensity, but you're also fascinated. Hillary and Condoleezza also have this kind of charisma.

“HUMOROUS CHARISMA,”
Joey continued. “Whoopi is clever and disarming. She'll draw you in with her wit and amusing take on life, all the while making you laugh and feel at ease. Ellen DeGeneres has the same kind of power. There's nothing clownlike about this kind of charisma. Think about it. How high is humor on your list of what you want in a mate?

“No offense, but Whoopi Goldberg is not very sexy,” Rebecca whispered, leaning over. “And Ellen is gay.”

“Well, something's working for them, because they can pull some serious men—and women,” Pia said, before returning her attention to Joey.

“Now, Angelina Jolie certainly personifies
SEXUAL CHARISMA.
Sex appeal and passion ooze out of every pore. Her sexuality permeates everything she does, and yet she's no bimbo. Her attire is elegant and refined and still enormously provocative.”

“Jennifer didn't have a shot in hell,” Julie joked from the back, setting off a roomful of titters.

“Jennifer Aniston is much like Reese,” Joey continued through the laughter. “She's someone who is completely capable of taking care of herself, and yet people seem to want to protect her. Women with
CUTE CHARISMA
are friendly. They make people feel comfortable around them, and their appeal lies in the fact that they aren't intimidating, snobbish, or aloof.”

“And aren't old enough to be pissed off at the world,” Flo joked to those around her.

“Now, women who possess
SMART CHARISMA
,” Joey continued, gesturing to Oprah, “are truly brilliant without the need to prove it. They listen and talk
to
you, not
at
you. They don't need to overwhelm you with all they know, but have the humble, unassuming ability to make you consider things in an entirely different light. Brooke Shields is another great example of smart charisma.