What a Boy Wants (16 page)

“Oh yeah!” I laughed. “Daddy Peace with his tie-dyed shirts and peace and love attitude could totally pass for a bear. Scary. You almost pissed your pants, Jay.”

“My life, like, flashed before my eyes and shit.” You could hear the pout in his voice.

I don’t know where it came from, but I felt the urge to keep talking. Jaden was my boy and even though I gave him shit like the girls, I also gave props where props were due. “He was scared, but as soon as he fought his way through the tent, the first thing he told me was to get the bear’s attention so we could steer him away from you guys.” I kissed Aspen on top of the head. She squeezed my hand in return. Everyone was quiet for a minute, until I spoke again. “Would have been a good plan if we didn’t accidently run Aspen’s mom down when we tried to save you girls.”

We all started laughing. It felt good, holding my girl and laughing with my friends. I wouldn’t trade this minute for anything. Sneaking in girls’ rooms, making out at parties, flirting and playing games, they had nothing on this moment.
Damn I’m sweet,
I thought.

We sat out there for hours. Lame as it sounds, we made s’mores and told ghost stories. The girls tried to get a game of truth or dare out of us, but Jaden and I took a stand. There was only so much cheese we’d allow in one night. We talked, laughed and the only time I didn’t have Aspen in my arms was when I replaced her with my guitar. Apparently, I couldn’t deny her anything. I played a few songs, more than I’d planned, but girls love music and the way Aspen looked at me when I played? I’d play all night for that look. It was like she touched me and I’ll tell you, I definitely hungered for her touch.

Around midnight we doused the fire and headed back home. What a perfect night. My three best friends in the world were there and even Pris and Jaden got along. As we got ready for bed, I knew it would only get better. She wore a pair of little flannel shorts and a tank top and I climbed into bed in nothing but my basketball shorts. I put my hand on my cheek, leaning on my elbow and looked down on her.

The moonlight shined bright enough in the room that I could see her face. “You’re beautiful.” I told her and meant it more than anything.

“You just want to get some.” She laughed.

“Damn it. You figured out my plan!” We both laughed. “Really though, it’s not about that.” I used my free hand to brush the side of her face with my fingers. “Okay, so it’s kind of like I won the lottery, ya know? You’re my best friend. Always have been and always will be, but now I can say you’re my girl, too. I just want you to know…” I shrugged. What did I want her to know? I had no idea what I was saying. “That I know how lucky I am and that I think you’re pretty amazing.”

“You’re amazing, too.” Her voice was all wobbly.
Shit.
The last thing I wanted to do is make her cry. Happy tears or not, girls crying freaked me out. I always felt like I should do something, but half the time never knew what to do.

“Well, we knew that.” I smiled and then I kissed her. Her arms wrapped around my neck and did that hair thing that I now freakin’ loved. My mouth pressed to hers harder, not rough, but wanting to get as close to her as possible. Rolling over, I rested on top of her, lost in the feel of her. Did I say it was like I won the lottery? Even that had nothing on the way she made me feel. Our mouths learned each other’s, molding together, teasing and tasting. I let my hand ghost under her shirt, going slow so I didn’t miss any signal if I needed to stop.

“It’s okay,” she whispered so I kept going. Brushing the bottom of her breast. I didn’t go any farther. Of course, I would have if she’d told me she wanted to, but I was happy just letting my tongue twine with hers and to tease her soft skin.

When I pulled away, still letting my fingers play with her hair like they were the strings on my guitar, I talked to her until she fell asleep. It was so small, that it could feel like nothing to someone else, but to me, it was epic.

***

I slipped out of Aspen’s arms and grabbed my vibrating cell phone. My mom’s number flashed across the screen. Sneaking out of the room, I clicked the talk button, trying to sound a cool as I could. I definitely wasn’t supposed to be sleeping with Aspen hours away from home right now.

“Morning, Ma.”

“Hey, kiddo. Are you having fun with Jaden?”

My whole body tensed. She’d been crying. I knew that crack in her voice. The fake, syrupy sweetness that she tried to use to cover her pain. “What’s wrong?” I asked, going out onto the porch.

“Nothing, honey. Just wanted to check on you.”

My whole body still felt tight. “Ma, I know you better than that. What happened?” Funny how your heart could race the same way when you’re excited as it did when you were scared.

“It’s nothing you need to worry about, Bastian. It’s just…Roger and I broke up. I didn’t call to talk about that though. I wanted to check on you.”

I’d kill him. My hand fisted my phone tightly. How could he go from wanting to propose to her to breaking her heart this quickly? It was always the same thing. “Are you okay?” This time it was my voice that cracked.

“Just tired.” She sighed. “Tired of screwing up, of hurting. I just want to talk to my boy. You always have been and always will be the best thing in my life.”

I squeezed my eyes shut. I didn’t want her to hurt. I didn’t want to hurt, but it always happened this way, didn’t it? I fought tears. I couldn’t let myself punk out like that. What did it ever help? So I talked to her, made her laugh the way I always did when she was upset, wondering what made her think this was worth it? Didn’t she just say this time was different? And Roger, the asshole. He’d said he loved her. What a joke. And they’d made me fall for it, too. How was this worth it? Hook-ups were so much easier than this.

How did I know I wouldn’t be like Roger, or my dad, or all the other guys in the past and just change my mind? I thought I loved Aspen, but what if I didn’t? What if I kept this going and hurt her? I hated the crack in my mom’s voice, the tears she tried to hide behind her words. I wanted to protect her and failed, but I wouldn’t with Aspen. Even if I had to protect her from me. One weekend would be easier to get over than if we kept this going. My fists clenched as I felt a weight in my chest.

When I got off the phone, I woke everyone up and told them we had to leave. She kept touching me and trying to talk to me and even though my fingers still pricked from the feel of her skin beneath mine, I kept my distance.

My whole body hurt, a heavy ache pressing down on my chest the whole drive home. They’d all stopped asking what was wrong about halfway. I was sick to my stomach and deserved it. I deserved much more than that.

I followed Aspen through her empty house and up to her room when we got back home. I fought the urge to run, but I wasn’t a coward. I’d man-up and do what was right.

“Is everything okay?” she asked, trying to pull me into a hug when we got into her room.

I looked down at her, and that sexy blush on my best friend’s face. I almost told her no, the words begged to fall from my mouth, but I didn’t. I was doing this for her. She trusted me and crazy as it sounded, this was my way of deserving that trust by giving us an out before we got in too deep, and it hurt even more when things unraveled. “Um, not really. Aspen, I…”
Come on, Hawkins. Do it.
“It’s over.”

Chapter Thirteen

Was it possible for words to singe your tongue? That’s how it felt. Like it burned, and left a gross taste in my mouth. It wasn’t over, except, I’d just made it that way, hadn’t I? And I wouldn’t take it back. I couldn’t.

Aspen stepped away from me and I crossed my arms so I wouldn’t be tempted to pull her close again. “What do you mean?”

“Us.” I shrugged. “This whole thing. I mean, not our friendship,” I quickly tried to clarify. I couldn’t lose her completely. “The other part though. It wouldn’t work, so why prolong it?”

“Actually, I thought it was working pretty well!” Her voice was hard. I hated hearing it directed at me that way. “Sorry that our
weekend
together was too long for you!”

I squinted my eyes and rubbed my forehead. I hated this, but I had to do it. “This is coming out wrong. I just…the long term thing just never works and if we keep going, then someone is going to get hurt.” Couldn’t she see I was doing the right thing?

Aspen poked my chest. “Too late for that. You promised me I wasn’t like the rest of them, Sebastian and I trusted you. The long term thing doesn’t work because you don’t want it to!” She stepped farther away from me, hugging herself. I wanted to pull her closer to me. My arms should be comforting her, not her own, but I knew that would just make it worse.

“You’re not like the rest of them, Woodstock. I--”

She cut me off. “Don’t call me that.”

I’m not going to lie, that hurt. I’d called her Woodstock since we were kids. I didn’t get why she didn’t understand that I just didn’t want to hurt her in the long run. “I don’t want things to be messed up. This relationship thing never goes the way it’s supposed to. I’m trying to save us from dealing with that. Can’t we just be us again? Aspen and Sebastian?”

“Things are screwed up because you made them that way. Because you’re Sebastian freakin’ Hawkins and you can’t settle down with one girl. I should have known you’d pull this shit.” Her eyes started to water. Those tears were suffocating me. This is what I didn’t want! Her hurting. My mom hurting. All of this was just fucked up.

“Come here.” I reached out for her, that zap happening when I touched her hand. I just wanted to make her feel better. I tried pulling her close, for herself just as much as me, but she jerked away. It was like a punch to the gut.

“No! You can’t make this better. It’s your fault.”

Her pain collided with mine and erupted. “I’m trying to be noble here! Don’t you get that?!”

Her tears flowed freely now. “Noble? You have a funny way of showing it. I was over you and you made me think we had a chance and now you’re crushing me.”

What did that even mean? This was the second time she said she’d been over me, but I knew she wasn’t. Her words and my thoughts were all trying to push through at the same time. I was confused and hurt that she didn’t understand. Angry at myself that I was hurting her and angry at her, too. “Funny, Aspen, but I know you weren’t over me considering I’ve been giving you advice for weeks on how to hook-up with me.”

Her face paled and I regretted the words immediately. I was totally screwing this up and I didn’t even know what to do about it. “Wood--”

“You’re The Hook-up Doctor?” she stepped up to me and pushed me. Hard. I fell back onto her bed. “You jerk! You lied to me!”

“What? No I didn’t. I didn’t tell you, but I never lied.” I stood up.

“So that’s what this was all about. You never really wanted me. It was only because you thought I wanted you. Why take the easy hook-up for the weekend?! I hate you, Sebastian. Get out of my house!” She was crying, her face red, but not from blushing. It was so different, that red, when it came from hurt and anger than embarrassment.

“No. That’s not it. It had nothing to do with the emails. They just made me realize I should go for it.”

The tightness in her features, the way her eyes narrowed at me in hate told me I’d just said the wrong thing. “Well guess what, Mr. Hook-up Doctor. You were
wrong
. I wasn’t trying to get with you. It was Matt! He’s the one I wanted to go out with, not you!”

My chest started to hurt. My heart was pounding like a jackhammer against my ribs. Matt?
Matt?
That ass! “That doesn’t make sense. You helped me when I told PA to be nice. You ditched us when I said to ignore him.” My head was spinning. “At the party you were supposed to flirt. You saw me with Crystal and got nervous and got drunk.”

“
God.
You’re so conceited, Bastian. Matt was at the arcade. He was at the party, too. I know you may think it does, but the world doesn’t revolve around you! Looks like you don’t know it all like you think you do! But thanks for helping me. I’m sure I can put all this to good use, when I tell Matt I like him.”

Her words had an effect over my whole body. They weakened the muscles in my legs. I felt hot all over and not the good kind of hot either. But more than that, I felt like I’d seen my mom feel so many times. Broken. I had to get out of there. “You know what? You can have him. I couldn’t care less. When you get your little boyfriend, don’t forget my other fifty bucks.”