What a Boy Wants (20 page)

Her tears were falling faster. Each and every drop, every word hitting me like the punch in the gut I deserved. Aspen’s chest heaved in and out, when mine felt like it caved in. “I’m sorry.” My voice cracked and this time, it was me who walked away. I wasn’t Mr. Know-It-All. I obviously didn’t know jack and it was time to ask for help.

***

I slammed my front door behind me, running into the bright living room. Mom sat on our beige couch, watching something soap opera or something on TV. I was too upset to even give her a hard time about it. “Ma!” I huffed, breathing like I’d run a marathon, which I practically had.

She jumped to her feet, worry creasing her brow. “What’s wrong?”

I could hardly catch my breath enough to talk, but I knew I had to get this out. “I screwed up. Everything’s so messed up and I don’t know what to do.”

She pulled me to her, burying my face in her neck and stroking my hair. The light “shhh” whispering from her mouth like only a mom can do. Now, if anyone ever asked me, I would not admit to this moment. How much I needed my mom and trusted her, even though I had a feeling, when it came to love, she was just as confused as I was. But we always had each other. It was always her and me, and I trusted her.

“What’s wrong, kiddo?”

With that, I pulled away from her. Yeah, I needed her, but I wasn’t going to cry. I’d never let myself live that one down and if she kept up with that “stroke and shush” thing, that’s exactly what would have happened. Looking at my mom, I uttered the words I never thought I’d say to her. The words I dreaded hearing her say about another guy. “Ma, I’m in love.”

This big, goofy smile spread across her face. “Aspen?” she asked, surprising me with her knowledge, but then I remember she knew everything. Half the time I thought I was getting away with stuff, I wasn’t. That was just Mom. We worked like that. She could read me and I could read her. I was pretty lucky to have her.

“Aspen.” I confirmed. If it was possible, her smile grew. “You’re probably not going to be smiling when I tell you what happened.”

“Oh, Bastian. What did you do?”

I walked over and fell onto the couch. “I think the better question is what didn’t I do? You might want to sit down for this.”

Chapter Sixteen

So, I spit it all out for her. Mom sat beside me quietly as I gave her the whole story. How I’d been getting money for hooking people up. That I started realizing I had feelings for Aspen, to finding out she was actually PA and deciding to go for it. While I was being honest, I even told her the truth about the weekend. There had been some serious head shakage going on when I admitted to going to the coast with Aspen, Pris and Jaden, but she still didn’t speak up until I finished.

Mom did smile when I told her I really loved Aspen. That, cheesy as it sounded, I’d been the happiest I ever remembered being when we spent the weekend together. Of course, I took a few liberties and kept the whole bed sharing and making out on the beach that night a secret. Mom definitely didn’t need details like that and if I did come out of this with Aspen on my side, I’m sure she’d be pretty embarrassed if Mom knew.

After that, my gut clinched as I told her I broke up with her. How I thought she was better off without me, because love always left people broken-hearted anyway. My stomach felt like I would hurl when I admitted to being jealous over Mattie and using Crystal to make her jealous. “So they all pretty much hope I die a fiery death. They want nothing to do with me.” I fell back against the couch waiting for her to hand it to me too.

Silence.

I started to feel a little itchy waiting for her to talk. The quiet rubbed me the wrong way. Yelling I could deal with, but I didn’t want her to be disappointed in me. “Say something, Ma.”

When she let out a breath, it was shaky. I knew that sound. It was more than disappointment. She was hurt. “I’ve really messed things up for us, haven’t I, Bastian?”

My body lurched forward so I was sitting up again. “What? No. Believe me. This is anything but your fault. I did all of this myself.” When the words came out of my mouth, I knew they were true. I’d tried to push some of the blame on Mattie, Aspen, Jaden and anyone else I could, but it had really been me.

Mom grabbed my hand. “I haven’t been the best role model for you. I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life, especially where men are concerned, but you know they are my mistakes, they don’t have anything to do with you, Sebastian. I have no way of knowing what the future will hold for you and Aspen. You’re both young and things happen, but because I’ve been hurt and made bad choices, that doesn’t mean you’ll hurt or be hurt. And if you are, that doesn’t mean the same thing will happen with someone else.”

I tried to slip my hand away from her, but she held it tight. “I’m serious. That’s life. We win some, we lose some, but you can’t live your life afraid of making my mistakes.”

“You make it sound like it’s been your fault!” I couldn’t hold myself back from raising my voice. “All you did was love them, and they left you. I didn’t want to do that with Aspen. Not after she got her feelings involved. Wasn’t it better to cut our losses after two days, than for me to walk out on her like Dad walked out on you?” I blinked, hoping the movement would hold in the wetness pooling in my eyes. I didn’t want to cry. Made me feel weak.

“Oh, Bastian.” She rubbed a hand down the side of my face. “Always so noble. I’m so lucky to have a son who loves his mom so much, but as much as I wish it were true, I’m not perfect. I made just as many mistakes as your father. As Bill and John. Hell, I made more mistakes than Roger did. But again, those were my mistakes, and you kiddo, you’re too good to really hurt someone. Your heart’s always in the right place, even if you do make some mistakes.”

I turned my head away from her, trying to wipe the stray tears away that managed to break free without her noticing. She grabbed my face and turned my head so I looked at her. “More importantly, you are not your dad. You’re just Sebastian. My funny, smart, talented,
loyal, big-hearted
son. Even when you forget that and pull a stunt like trying to make her jealous with another girl.” She smiled. “You know you’re going to have to do some major groveling, don’t you?”

Mom sighed. “Roger proposed and I freaked. I do love him, but in that moment, I saw every one of my mistakes asking me to make them again. Not a good man who I think I could really spend my life with.”

What?
“I don’t get it. I thought you said he broke up with you.”

“See, there’s that noble and loyal side of you again. I said we broke up, not that he broke up with me. I really don’t deserve the pedestal you’ve put me on, kiddo.” My mom’s mouth formed a frown.

“Why?”

“Why did you end it with Aspen? Because I was scared. I thought I was ready, but I
do
know Roger is different, but I was so scared of making the same mistakes I made in the past, that I threw out my future.” She patted my hand. “But this isn’t about me. It’s about you. Don’t give Aspen up because you’re scared. We never know what’s going to happen in life. Can’t live in fear, or you’ll never get anything.”

I wanted to believe her. I wanted Aspen. “After everything, you still think it’s worth it? I know you said you did, but I mean, after you bailed on Roger, do you still think love is worth all this?”

She answered quickly, surely. “Absolutely. What about you?”

Aspen popped into my head. The years of friendship. Everything she’d done for me, the laughs she’d given me and the way her face lit up when she smiled. How much she cared for her friends: Pris, Jaden and even me. And her kisses, the way I felt like all that light and energy seeped from her to me when our lips touched. The hollowness in my chest when she cried. How I didn’t feel like me without her. “Hell yeah. Aspen’s worth it.” And she was. I would do anything to get her back.

Mom shook her head, a smirk hiding behind her frown.

“I mean, heck yeah.”

“Then stop treating her like a game. This whole making her jealous thing, breaking up with her before things go too far. Be real with her. Treat her with the respect she deserves.”

I nodded. “Okay, I can do that.”

Mom laughed. “You’re going to have to do more than that, Bastian. I’m thinking the big, grand gesture and everything.”

My laugh matched hers as I rolled my eyes, but I knew I would do it. I’d do whatever it took. “What about you? Just because we’re guys doesn’t mean we don’t like the big gesture or whatever. Are you going to get Roger back?” I asked.

I had one week to fix this before Mom was making me shut down my Hook-up Doctor blog and I’d be grounded until God knew when. I figured I deserved worse and was pretty lucky she’d given me a week at all, so I wanted to make it count. It took me a couple days to get a plan into action. This was a different kind of plan. Not the whole playing games thing, but something real. Something that my friends deserved because I figured Aspen wasn’t the only person I had some pleading to do with.

I rarely went to Jaden’s house. He never wanted to be there, so it wasn’t often I went with him and I definitely didn’t go there by myself. Without him I didn’t have a car and it was a long ass ride to make on my board. But I did it today, because I wanted my boy to know I was serious. I planned on making this up to him no matter what it took.

I jumped off my board when I came up to the gravel driveway that was almost as long as the drive from town. Why anyone would want to live in the boonies like this was beyond me. I kicked a few rocks as I made my way toward his house. I’d never tell anyone, but I always thought his driveway was a little creepy. It was practically buried in trees, all ominous and stuff. It was one of those roads, and houses for that matter, that kids got lost on in scary movies and a psycho killer was always waiting inside.

When I cleared the whack-job lane, I saw Jaden in front of his house, hiding under the hood of the beatermobile. I huffed. “All or nothing,” I whispered to myself as I approached him. “Need some help?”

He didn’t even turn around to look at me. “I thought you were too pretty to work on cars.”

Even though he couldn’t see me, I shrugged and walked to the other side of the hood and leaned in. “I am, but like you said, your beater is my beater so I can put in a few hours of work on it.” Nothing. “Plus, I figure I owe ya. You’re my boy. Always been there for me. The beater too. I guess it’s time I return the favor.”

Metal on metal clanked from under the hood. Jay cursed then glanced up at me. He looked like shit. His face a little pale with purple under his eyes like he hadn’t slept in a while. I opened my mouth to ask if he was okay, but he cut me off. “Grab the wrench and come over here for a second. Think you can handle that, pretty boy?”

I let out a sigh of relief. Sure, to anyone else our exchange probably didn’t mean anything, but to us, we’d just said it all. He knew I was sorry and he was letting me know he forgave me.

As I brought the wrench over to him, I couldn’t stop myself from taking it further. “I didn’t mean to hurt her, Jay. I do love her and I’m going to make up for it. The thing with Crystal? It wasn’t real. I didn’t touch her.”

Jaden stood up and looked at me, his eyes filled with something I didn’t quite understand. Sadness, maybe? “Just be good to her, bro. You, Pris and Aspen?” He rubbed his face with the back of his hand. “I need you guys. I don’t know what I’d do if anything screwed us up.”

I nodded once, a little lost for words. We all knew things weren’t good for Jaden, but in this moment, I wondered if maybe they were a lot worse than we knew. “Want to stay at my house tonight?”

He knew what I was asking and when he replied, I knew his sarcasm was just to lighten the mood. Like I said, we were guys. It was easier that way. “You just want my help figuring out how to fix things with Pris and Aspen.” He chuckled.

I laughed too. “You have no idea, bro. No idea.” With that, we got to work fixing up the beatermobile.