Whatever the Cost (13 page)

That self-hatred only grows when Liam watches Jacen get up from the table and go to a large bed under a cabana, placed by the side of the pool. Patrick is speaking to him, helping him get undressed, pulling Jacen’s shirt up and off, unbuttoning his pants. His fist balled up tight, Liam presses it to his lips and uses all of his will not to run down there and beat Patrick to a bloody pulp. His heart starts to hammer against his ribs; his throat constricts his air.

Jacen lies down on the bed and Patrick kisses him deeply, demandingly, as he pulls off Jacen’s underwear.

Liam can feel Duke watching him, as panic crawls up his gut, bubbling and threatening to come out as a ragged scream of outrage. He can’t see Jacen’s face. All he can see is Jacen’s body from the waist down as Patrick spreads Jacen’s legs and inserts a few fingers into him.

Liam’s fist unclenches and claps over his mouth instead as a sickly groan erupts.

It’s because it’s Patrick, not because it’s Jacen. It’s because he’s a monster, not because I’m jealous.

Patrick yanks his jeans open and enters Jacen in a smooth, firm thrust. Jacen’s low cry echoes back amongst the trees.

I’ll kill him. I’ll fucking kill him with my bare hands.

The curt shake of Duke’s head, just once, side-to-side, is like a shout, warning Liam to stay back when he unconsciously takes a few steps forward before he even realizes it.

But, no matter whether he likes what he’s seeing or not, Liam is there for Jacen’s sake. He’s there to make sure Jacen is okay, so that instinct triumphs, for the moment, over wild, possessive resentment. Walking back to his spot by his car, Liam forces himself to watch as closely as he can while Patrick fucks Jacen, looking for any warning signs, any roughness or violence, trying to be thankful that the deed is happening in plain view instead of inside the building, even though it also makes Liam sick to think of how Patrick is clearly getting off on making a show of his conquest.

Jacen’s cries become sharper, more anguished when Patrick’s hand begins to play between Jacen’s legs, and Liam wants to break every finger of that hand when it grabs Jacen by the dick and manipulates him to orgasm.

Finish. Just finish. Please just finish
, Liam prays.

But of course, it’s not that easy. It never is.

Patrick inserts a small toy into Jacen. Once it’s in place and Patrick is walking away, Jacen shifts farther up the poolside bed and reclines on his stomach. Lighting another cigar, Patrick goes inside the house. He returns a short time later, bringing two friends with him. The three of them sit around the table laden with food, eating and indulging in conversation while Jacen lays naked and beautifully displayed a few feet away.

When Patrick fucks Jacen a second time, Liam simply can’t bring himself to watch and further invade Jacen’s privacy. It’s disgusting enough that Patrick’s buddies are getting a free show, without Liam personally increasing the size of Jacen’s audience.

The whole party moves inside an hour later. Liam goes to sit in his truck, waiting for Jacen to come out.

Jacen’s mind is blank, his body exhausted, as he follows Patrick through the house to the front door. The combination of nervous anticipation along with everything that had transpired after he had arrived weighs on him, leaving him nothing but spent.

Once they had been seated at the table, Jacen was too nervous to eat. He had also politely refused a suggestion that he go swimming to cool off, and then, once they had gotten into the real reason Jacen had been called there, with Patrick’s friends clearly visible through the rear windows of the home, Jacen couldn’t get it up. He just couldn’t. Part of it was fear of Patrick, even though Patrick was back to being a sweetheart, but underneath that excuse, Jacen purely just didn’t want to be there and be touched by that man.

He tried his best, though. Putting on a good show, moaning loudly, writhing in feigned pleasure, Jacen lost himself in one of his best fantasies, removing himself mentally from what was being done to his body. It worked well enough. Jacen was able to get hard and get off. It was nice to be able to lounge and enjoy the beautiful weather after that. Being naked in front of other people has never been a big deal to him. The thick butt plug Patrick put in him was like a promise, though, that they were nowhere near finished. And they weren’t. First, Patrick got him on his hands and knees and fucked him with the toy for a while. Jacen, still mentally detached, always the professional, was sure to make lots of appreciative noise and react to everything Patrick gave him. The whole time Jacen felt keenly watched, like he was on a stage, and the nervous tickle in his gut never went away.

The second time Patrick entered him, pounding into his body like he had something to prove, there was plenty of shame there for Jacen.

I hate my life
, he marveled hollowly to himself.
I truly hate it. And it’s never going to get better than this. How fucking pathetic is that?

Jacen couldn’t look at Patrick’s friends, but that wasn’t part of the job, so he didn’t sweat it. And now, so very close to leaving, just a few feet from the exit, Jacen doesn’t care anymore. About anything. Getting away is all that matters.

Patrick stops at the door, turning to him. He pulls Jacen in for another kiss. It’s sweeter than Jacen expects it to be. Some more of Patrick’s long, drawn out apology slips into it, making it more tender and urgent.

“I don’t know what the hell was wrong with me the other day. I promise to make it up to you. You’re important to me, you know that, right?”

Jacen nods, turning into the touch of Patrick’s hand on his cheek. Patrick’s thumb drags over the place where Jacen’s lip is almost completely healed after being split open by Patrick’s knuckles and then falls away. After digging in a pocket, Patrick brings out a fat roll of bills. The one on the outside is a hundred. The whole thing gets slipped into Jacen’s hand.

“Patrick,” he starts.

“That’s for you. I already paid your handlers. This is just for you.”

If they’re all hundreds, Jacen thinks distractedly, there must be a couple grand there. Enough for the first and last month’s rent on a new apartment, maybe somewhere in Arizona, near the desert. Plenty of places to hide in the desert.

“You really don’t have to do that,” Jacen says instantly.

“I want to. Won’t take no for an answer. Treat yourself. On me.”

The money feels slimy in Jacen’s hand, even though the paper is crisp and dry enough.

“Thanks. That’s incredibly nice of you,” he says.

As he walks past Duke toward the waiting car, Jacen can feel himself already burying the memory of the entire experience, dissolving it, breaking it apart and letting it blow away in the wind. Unseeing, unfeeling, he walks hunched over to his seat, folding himself into it and closing the door quickly once he’s in the car. Wanting to toss the roll of bills away from him, onto the seat, and leave it there like a wadded up burger wrapper, just another piece of trash, Jacen instead slides it into his front pocket. Then he wipes his hands on his pants.

He has no idea that Liam is there, parked up the hill, nor that after the car Jacen sits in, driven by Duke, pulls out of Patrick’s street, Liam follows closely behind them for the drive back home.

After the job with Patrick, Liam gives Jacen a few minutes to get inside their house and get situated before he pulls up to the garage door and follows him in.

Scanning what he can see of the place from just inside the front door, Liam shouts, “Jace! Hey, I’m home! You here?”

“Yeah!” Jacen hollers back from the second floor. “Be down in a few, okay?”

“Okay!”

Liam breathes out his relief that Jacen was all right enough mentally to answer and stalks through the house, flopping down on the couch with a groan. He had three appointments the previous day. Nothing complicated. One of them was a quickie with Adam at his office in the city. The other two Liam barely remembers. But after having such a packed schedule, he’s been given a day to recuperate. All morning he’s been expecting his phone to go off with the details for his next job, knowing his reprieve won’t last long, but so far there’s been zilch, not a peep. For an hour and a half Liam lies on the couch, listening to the clock on the wall tick away the time, waiting for Jacen to come down.

His phone vibrates. Liam digs it out. After barely glancing at the message from Della, Liam’s panic slithers back up his belly, wrapping around his throat. He expects that Jacen is getting a very similar message on his own phone upstairs.

“Fuck.
Fuck
,” Liam hisses.

His alarm is much more powerful than his desire to confront Jacen just yet. Grabbing a sweatshirt, Liam doesn’t bother announcing that he’s going, because Jacen will know why he’s going anyway. Keys in hand, Liam just goes. He walks past his truck and moves in the direction of the beach.

Upstairs, sitting on the edge of his bed, Jacen holds his phone cradled in his hand.

This is it
, he thinks.
This is everything.

It’s almost a relief, knowing that it’s out of his hands. His entire life will change in one way or another a few nights from now, no matter what he does or says.

As Jacen hovers near the top of the stairs, dressed in comfortable, baggy clothes, he hears Liam slip away, the front door closing with a soft whoosh. Then Jacen heads downstairs, curling up on the couch in the same spot that Liam had been laying in, feeling the ghostly warmth of him for the second time that day, radiating from the cushions. It’s soothing. Jacen nestles into it and clicks on the television, craving any sort of distraction.

It’s not until late, the sun set and the crickets chirping, that Liam comes home. Jacen has eaten, paid some bills, checked his accounts, made a few calls, and is back relaxing by the television, reading the newspaper. The door opens and shuts. He waits for Liam to yell hello and skulk away upstairs to hide some more, so it puts Jacen slightly on-edge when Liam instead appears silently in the doorway, hands buried in his sweatshirt pocket, head bowed.

“Hey,” Jacen says softly in greeting. “It went fine with Patrick, if you were wondering.”

Liam’s expression tightens at this, and Jacen isn’t sure what that means. He tries not to feel hurt that Liam seems to not want to talk about it or inquire about Jacen’s well-being. Sure, the message about their forthcoming appointment with Claudia is a big deal, but it’s not the only thing going on.

For longer than is comfortable, Liam stays silent, just standing there.

“You wanna sit down? Or....”

A small shake of Liam’s head.

“What’s up?” Jacen asks.

Liam rubs a hand over his forehead, looking pale and miserable. “Um. Christ, I’ve been trying to figure shit out all day and what to say to you, and I really thought I finally had it all straight, but now....”

“We don’t have to talk about it,” Jacen tells him. “We can pretend it’s not even happening if it makes it easier for you.”

“I can’t.” Liam says adamantly, his voice jagged. He takes a breath and tries again, “I
can’t
pretend this away.”

“So what are you saying? Do you want to leave? Do you want
me
to leave? We’ve been doing a pretty damn good job avoiding each other so far. I don’t see why we can’t just keep doing that—”

“Jacen,” Liam cuts in, exasperated. “I’m trying here. I really am, but this is difficult for me so can you please just let me....”

“Fine. Fine, I’ll shut up. Go ahead.”

“This is hard for me! Don’t you see how hard this is for me?!”

“It’s just sex, Lee. It’s something we’re both fairly good at. It’s not that hard.”

“That’s
not what I’m talking about
!”

“Then tell me already! For fuck’s sake! Just say it!”

Liam won’t look at him. His eyes are fixed firmly on his feet. Then they close and when Liam starts speaking, his words are hushed and low, like he’s talking to himself.

“I don’t want it to be like that. It’s all... out of control. It’s all out of control. And I just need one thing.
One thing
. To be in control. If we go in there like this, I won’t be able to do it. I just won’t. Don’t you know how hard it was for me to bear it, to be with you like that? To be paid to degrade myself with you just so that she could get off on it? It was empty. It was
fucking
. It wasn’t a fantasy. It was real.”