Whatever the Cost (14 page)

The words turn Jacen cold. They shatter all of his dreams that maybe,
maybe
Liam really cared about him, that he wanted them to be together as badly as Jacen wants to be with Liam. But clearly it’s not true. Not if all it was to him was empty and degrading and unbearable. Suddenly, Jacen can’t be there anymore, can’t let Liam break his heart any more than it already is. He gets up off of the couch and drops the newspaper. Pushing past Liam, who is bodily blocking the exit, Jacen is stopped with a hand to his chest.

“I’m not finished.”

“
I
am,” Jacen says bitterly. “I’m done. If it was that horrible for you, I won’t bother you anymore. Somehow we’ll get through the job and then I’ll—I’ll move out. Find an apartment. Whatever.”

“Jacen,” Liam almost sobs, at the end of his rope. “Please,
let me finish
.”

Sighing tiredly, Jacen relents.

“I don’t want our first time to be like that,” Liam hisses. “I want it to be
ours
. Just ours.”

Shocked, Jacen’s head snaps around so fast he almost gets whiplash. Staring intensely at Liam, who still won’t look at him, he demands, “What are you saying?”

“I’m saying, yeah, we have to go through with this. We have no choice. But....”

“But?”

Liam groans, “You’re seriously going to make me say it, aren’t you?”

“Yes! Because I’m pretty, you know,
confused
,” Jacen sputters. “What? You want a practice run?”

“No,” Liam frowns, sighing a little. “I just want something that isn’t empty or a fantasy. If we’re going to be together and it’s going to be real, I want it to be on our terms. For the first time, at least.”

Jacen starts to understand. That’s why his answer is a quick and deliberate, “No.”

“What?” Liam blinks, startled. “No?”

Rolling his eyes at himself, Jacen folds his arms, and gathers up his pride. “Being with you means too much to me to do it just to get it out of the way, or prove that we can make our own decisions. I want it to happen only if you want it, too.”

“Are you kidding? You are kidding me, right? You huge idiot, that’s what I’m saying! You’re my best friend, Jacen! It means a lot to me too!”

“Not like it does to me,” Jacen argues.

Liam’s lips purse in an angry little bow. “Are you fucking arguing with me over whether you care about me more than I care about you? I’m asking you to make love to me and you’re saying no because you care about me too much to disrespect me like that? Seriously?”

Jacen is kissing Liam before the last raspy word gets past his lips. Liam resists at first, stiffening, but that’s mostly instinct. As soon as Jacen’s big hands frame his face, Liam melts into it, softening, savoring the soft brushes of Jacen’s lips against his own. Then Jacen is wrapping Liam in a close hug, holding on to him as the rest of the tension seeps away.

“You suck sometimes,” Liam grumbles. “You know that?”

“I just wonder, would this still be happening if we didn’t have to because of current... circumstances?”

“I don’t know, Jace,” Liam admits weakly. “Can we stop analyzing it and go to bed?”

Feeling Liam’s smaller, firm, warm body under his hands, hidden beneath the soft outer layer of his sweatshirt, Jacen grunts, “Yeah. I guess so. If you’re sure.”

“I’m sure.”

Self-consciousness creeps into Jacen’s expression. He drops his gaze and admits, “There’s kind of one more thing that’s been bothering me. I’ve never really... been with a guy. When I wasn’t, you know, paid to be with a guy.”

“Liar,” Liam scoffs. “What about Yasha?”

“Yasha doesn’t count. He was like practice.”

“Three continuous days of practice?” Liam waves a hand to dismiss his own argument before it continues. “Never mind. Are you trying to tell me you’re not gay?”

“I don’t know. I’ve never really thought about it.”

“Are you shitting me? You have to be shitting me. Okay, let’s make this easier. You wanna?”

“Hell, yeah, I wanna.”

“Then stop being difficult.”

“Okay.”

On the short walk upstairs, the gears start to turn in Liam’s head, locking into place, spinning and spinning, picking up speed. Without knowing he’s even doing it, he starts to rationalize everything, compartmentalizing the reasons, the whys and the hows. He knows keenly what Jacen endured earlier that very day at Patrick’s hands. He knows, as well, what transpired between himself and Jacen with Claudia. Thirdly, he recognizes that Jacen is aware of aspects of how Liam is with clients, his many characters, and has probably gotten a well-formulated preconception of what to expect of Liam in bed.

Liam wants what happens that night to align with none of those things. It has to be vastly different from what has already been and the routine, mechanical bullshit they live every day. In a way it’s Liam’s biggest acting challenge to date, to create as ‘real’ a situation as he possibly can.

Liam doesn’t realize the full irony of this. Even if he did though, it might not change anything. He is who he is, and he’s only able to face things with Jacen as he is able to.

As they get to the top of the landing, Liam takes Jacen by the hand and pulls him toward Jacen’s bedroom.

“In here,” he says, certain that he can’t go through with it in
his
bed, needing that little bit of separation at least with his own, private existence.

Jacen doesn’t argue, going along with Liam into the darkened room. Liam’s eyes flicker back and forth like they’re scanning invisible instructions, written in mid-air.

“Liam?”

Liam ignores him, too lost in thought. “Lights. We need light,” he decides, and goes to click on the lamp on the nightstand.

Jacen watches him pace back to the bed and away again, closing the drapes, shutting the door.

“Maybe we should just relax, ease into it,” Jacen suggests, seeing clearly how focused Liam suddenly is. Liam is pulling away; he’s wrapping himself in all of his ideas of how things should be in order to get the most out of the experience. He’s over-thinking it.

“Lee, stop. Just c’mere. Look at me,” Jacen urges as Liam strips off his sweatshirt, folding it over and setting it on a chair. Every second that passes sees Liam transform more and more into his self-appointed role and it aggravates Jacen to no end.

“Hey. This isn’t a job. It doesn’t have to be perfect. Liam
. Liam
!”

Eyes trained on the ground at Jacen’s feet, Liam finally stirs. Looking up, he meets his friend’s gaze. Jacen is instantly shocked at what’s looking back at him—seething, uncaged, animalistic lust.

“Liam?”

The tight t-shirt clinging to Liam’s chest, twisted up a little around his waist, gets peeled away. Jacen’s eyes flick down to the metal bars piercing Liam’s nipples and he kind of hates himself for it, for being so easy. But all the same, his mouth starts to water. His dick perks up.

Heart beating faster now, throat threatening to constrict and deny his next inhale of much-needed oxygen, Jacen tries, “Ma-maybe we should, you know....”

Liam grabs the bottom of Jacen’s shirt, pulling it up and off of him.

“...talk about this a little m-more....”

Jacen’s fly gets yanked open. The snap pops. The zipper parts.

“...first.”

Liam sinks to his knees after pushing Jacen roughly backward, causing him to fall back over the edge of the bed, his feet still planted on the floor and the rest of him sprawled on the mattress. A second after that, his pants are off. He’s not wearing underwear. Liam guides Jacen’s thighs apart.

“
Fuck
.”

The last coherent thought Jacen has is dull curiosity regarding where Liam is going to produce the condoms from, if he always carries some in his pockets, or what. But Liam’s hands caress up the insides of Jacen’s thighs, over the dark, fine hair covering them, closing up on a place Jacen is very much not used to having Liam’s hands.

The first syllable of Liam’s name stutters from Jacen’s lips.

Simultaneously, Liam’s right hand circles the base of Jacen’s dick, guiding it upright while his left hand flattens, rolling over Jacen’s balls. It draws a startled, choked sound from Jacen and then one of the hands pivots at the wrist to rub underneath, back over his hole. Half-hard already, blood rushes in a torrent to fill Jacen’s flesh when Liam squeezes up it once, dragging a thumb over the silky crown. Liam’s fingertips play at his rim, making Jacen want to close up his thighs because
what the fuck?

It happens in slow motion, Jacen swears to it later. Liam’s head dips. Jacen stares helplessly down the length of his body. Liam’s mouth falls open, his tongue pushing forward to lick a wide, wet stripe up Jacen’s dick, from the root all the way up over the pulsing vein running along the underside to the divot in the head. It wraps there and Liam’s lips close around the tip, sealing tight as he
sucks
.

Jacen bucks up reflexively into Liam’s mouth, and Liam lets him. He quickly adjusts his angle and relaxes his throat as Jacen fills it, lodging deeply. The velvety, wet glove of heat wraps him, constricting, rippling as Liam swallows. Jacen pushes up helplessly into it, trying to get deeper, hips spasming. Slowly, very slowly, Liam eases back, increasing the suction he’s giving Jacen and moaning at the thick taste of him, at the feel of Jacen filling his mouth, cradled bare on his tongue.

Jacen’s hands find Liam’s face, framing it. Using the contact, Jacen fights for sanity and guides Liam up and off. Jacen’s dick falls wet and flushed dark from between his friend’s pink, shining lips.

“What the FUCK was that?! What’s wrong with you?! It’s not safe! Condom, Lee! Christ!”

“Oops,” Liam says with a wicked gleam in his eye, kitten-licking Jacen’s penis.

“‘Oops?!’ I could give you something!”

“Uh-huh,” Liam grunts, licking repeatedly over the bulbous head, wriggling the tip of his tongue at the slit. Liam’s eyes close in delirious pleasure as Jacen makes a strangled moan. He feeds Jacen back between his lips, making a tight seal, taking a slow, wet pull.

Jacen’s argument stutters from his lips, his teeth clacking together, his sense shattering. Palming the back of Liam’s head with one hand, Jacen’s hips chase up into the sinfully perfect, damning sensation. It’s the first, real, passionate, consenting, condom-less blowjob he’s ever had the pleasure to receive, and the feel of the delicate tissues of Liam’s throat, the soft inside of his cheeks, the wickedly talented muscle of his tongue, the silken kiss of his full lips, it’s too much to process.

“It’s a lot better without the rubber, huh?” Liam chuckles. He licks Jacen’s bare flesh in long, unhurried strokes, in defiance of all logic and mental arguments regarding safe sex practices with another prostitute. All that matters is Jacen’s silken heat and flavor, connecting to him on that base level, and to hell with the repercussions. “Mm, you taste fucking
amazing
.”

Coming right apart on the bed, Jacen gulps down air, glancing down his body as Liam kisses his way up it; over his belly, up his ribcage to his left nipple, licking it and continuing on, up the side of Jacen’s neck. Liam’s arms are hooked under Jacen’s legs, folding them back, pulling him open.

“I have to feel you, Jace. Get inside you. Can I? Is it okay?” Liam rasps, his already husky voice roughened even more than usual. Hope and desire shine in his eyes. Jacen is so unused to seeing Liam in such a state that he doesn’t even consider saying no.

No sooner is he nodding in answer, then Liam is pushing two saliva-coated fingers into him, scissoring them apart to work Jacen loose. His breath catching, Jacen lets his eyes close, tiny frown lines forming on his brow. Liam tries to kiss them away. Jacen cups the side of Liam’s face, so very confused, just needing something actual to hold on to. He brings Liam in for a soft kiss, gasping into his mouth as Liam makes quick work of the prep. Just the fact that Liam doesn’t draw it out, that he frantically coaxes Jacen loose, fumbles in a back pocket for a condom, breathing just as roughly as Jacen is, if not more, speaks to the reality of Liam’s passion. It makes Jacen’s head spin, the determination and focus on Liam’s face when he frees himself, rolls the condom on and breaches Jacen with little ceremony.

Jacen moans brokenly at the sudden feeling of fullness as Liam drapes himself over Jacen’s long body, breathing in jagged gasps against the side of Jacen’s neck, barely inside him, nudging gently deeper.