Whisper Through The Pain (A Novella) (10 page)

“How dare you? I’m your mother.”

“Since when?” she countered, sarcastically.

“Watch your tone, young lady,” her father admonished.

“I’m sorry, Daddy.”

“Don’t say it to me, say it to your mother.”             

The silence stretched. Finally, she said in a low voice, “I apologize.” She couldn’t manage to direct the apology to her mother so it fell between them like a dead weight of nothing.

She knew better, but it seemed as if a driving force was pushing for her to confront the past.

“It’s not always about what you feel or think, Melissa. There are things you don’t know.”

She wanted to shout at her whose fault was that, but didn’t. The atmosphere in the room was already toxic. There was no need to add to it.

Her mother came to stand in front of her. “I didn’t know you had so much animosity toward me, Melissa. I may not have been the typical mother but I was the best I could be.” Elizabeth twisted her hands and then pointed to the love seat. “Take a seat.”

She didn’t move at the command.

“Please.”

Melisa thought maybe she should stick her finger in her ear to make sure it wasn’t clogged. Did she just hear Elizabeth Delaney say please?  She walked to the sofa and took a seat. Her mother sat beside her but didn’t touch her.  Melissa glanced at her father for direction. He threw her a smile, a quick wink of encouragement and moved to a chair across from them but near enough for her to reach out and touch him. He slid into it and stretched out his long legs.

Her mother took a deep breath and folded her hands onto her lap. “From the moment I found out I was pregnant, it scared the hell out me.”

Melissa eyes widened. She’d never heard her mother use a curse word in her life. Times had changed.

“You see, you weren’t planned. To be frank, I didn’t want a child.  But your father…” She cast a glance at her husband and then back at her. “He was elated.  I kept thinking, a baby? What would I do with it?  It was too much. The disruption to our lives would be massive. A child was a lifetime commitment. I didn’t want it.”

“Wow, you didn’t want me,” Melissa said snidely. “That’s not a new revelation. I’ve known all my life that I wasn’t wanted. Sorry to disappoint you, Mother.”

“I’m trying to explain some things to you but I won’t tolerate your sarcasm.”

She laughed harshly. “You
won’t
tolerate?  I’ve tolerated more than enough from you that would last me a lifetime.”

A puzzled frown rested on her mother’s face “What are you talking about?”

“You wanted a very light skinned baby but got a chocolate one.”

Elizabeth’s eyes widened with confusion. “That’s ridiculous.”

“Is it? I doubt it. All my life you made me feel inferior because of my skin tone. You were always telling me to smooth out the dark spots. Use the creams you bought for me. Don’t pucker my lips because they were already large enough. Stay out of the sun. I got your message loud and clear.”

“That’s not true. You’ve misinterpreted everything. I was trying to help you.”

“Help me? How?”

“You’re the product of a mixed marriage. I didn’t want you to go through the trauma I did. I wanted…you to…be happy.” Elizabeth looked at her husband helplessly.” Jasper…”

Her father sat on the edge of his seat now with his hands dangling between his legs. Finally he folded them and directed his gaze to Melissa. “Baby girl, I know you can’t believe that nonsense. Your mother is a little eccentric but not prejudiced against her own daughter.”

“Daddy, you’re wrong. I came back here to confront old hurts and ghosts. Everything I did in the past five years was done to prove to myself that I was good enough. In L.A., I found a job based on my degree. I was given a chance to learn, to build and move up in the company on my own merits. I was no longer the dark child not wanted.”

“Melissa, you’re talking foolishness.”  Elizabeth glared at her. “I won’t stand for you making me a villain in this. Your decisions and feelings were all yours. I didn’t do or say anything to warrant these accusations.”

“You don’t get it, do you?” Melissa laughed mercilessly. “You’re not perfect. I loved Brent but I married him because I knew it would make you happy. But I also wanted someone to love me. Foolishly, I thought he did.”

“I’m not going to accept blame me for your failures.” Her mother turned to her father. “Are you going to let her continue this tirade?”

“She’s telling us what she felt, Lizzie. We just can’t dismiss it. Our daughter was hurting and we didn’t see it. We’ve done enough damage. It’s time to make it right.”

Elizabeth huffed. “Well, I have never been so insulted—”

“This isn’t about you, darling.  For once, put yourself in Melissa’s shoes. She didn’t ask to be born. We chose to bring her into this world.” He took his wife hands in his. “All she asked was to be loved—by the both of us. We failed her. ” He kissed her hands and gave them a gentle pat. “Help her to understand. Talk to her.”

Melissa watched fear cloud her mother’s eyes. What was wrong with her? She acted as if she was afraid to talk to her.

“I gave birth to you. I’m not prejudiced against my own child.” 

“Tell her all of it, Lizzie,” Jasper urged. “It’s about time we let our daughter into our lives.”

Melissa snuck a peek at her mother. She knew she hated being called Lizzie but somehow never objected when her father used it.

“It’s not easy.”

Melissa glanced at both of her parents. “I didn’t come to disrupt your lives, but I need answers.”

Her father pulled his chair next to her mother. He touched her arm, giving it a slow loving rub. “Take your time, my love.”

              Elizabeth took a deep breath. There was a strained silence as she eyed her husband and her daughter. At that moment she seemed vulnerable. It was strange to see her mother nervous and unsure of herself.

She took another breath and directed her words to Melissa. “You know I had an older brother, Ethan, who was killed in Vietnam during the last weeks of the war. What you don’t know is that his death destroyed my mother. She died three months after his death. Mama had health problems, arthritis, recurring sinus infections, but nothing that would’ve caused her to die.”

She fingered the pearls at her neck again. Melissa stared at her. Realizing the nervous gesture, her mother removed her hands and folded them in her lap.

“Ethan was only 19 years old. It was such a waste of a bright young man with a promising future. I was 13 at the time.”

“You never discussed him.  I just assumed you were estranged from him at the time of his death,” Melissa uttered softly

“It has always been hard for me to talk about him. He was my world…my knight. I was devastated by his death. Mother was consumed by grief and my father grew silent and withdrawn. I had no one to talk to about what I was feeling. I became a very angry and rebellious teenager. Ethan treated me like a princess.  I loved him. Along with my father, he was my hero.”

Elizabeth dropped her head, took another deep breath and lifted it again. “I vowed never to love like that again. I surmised that it only caused heartache. I witnessed it first-hand. My father never recovered from mama’s death. His Irish, American wealthy family had disowned him when he married a black woman,” she laughed cruelly. “Although my mother was mixed with Irish and Native American blood, it was the portion of black blood she carried that mattered the most.  It was the 1950’s. An interracial marriage was unacceptable and, in some states, against the law, Texas being one of them. It was hard for them and for my brother and me.”

“You’re light enough to pass for white,” Melissa said.

“I know. I’m ashamed to say that sometimes I pretended to be white. It made life a little easier. When my father found out he was disappointed. Although the world saw me as black, Papa told me I was a mixture of pureness. A product of him and mama’s love. I was ashamed. I loved my mother and knew she was proud of her heritage.”

“I didn’t know your grandmother, baby girl, but I knew your grandfather. He was a proud man,” Jasper interjected.

My mother nodded. “My father never remarried and cherished my mother until death. I want you to understand where I come from. It’s something I should’ve shared with you. I didn’t think it was important but I was wrong. Because of the threats on their lives, my parents moved to Europe after the birth of my brother. I was born there. Papa made a fortune in agriculture machinery and moved back to Texas in 1970. It was a new era but bigotry was still strong. Having money caused some good ole Texans to ignore the fact that my father had a wife and children who were black. It made me tough. I felt loving someone would break your heart and destroy you.”

Melissa frowned. “But you loved Daddy, didn’t you?”

Her eyes softened with a smile when she looked at her husband. “I love your father very much, but I didn’t at first.”

“What—” Shock riveted in her voice.

“He knows.”

Jasper Delaney cleared his throat and said, “Sweetheart, from the moment I saw your mama walking across Texas Southern University campus, I knew she would be my wife. I was a second year graduate student and she was there visiting a friend. I didn’t know at the time she was a sophomore at University of LaVerne in California. But it didn’t matter. I would’ve gone to the ends of the earth to make her mine. It didn’t matter that she didn’t feel the same as I did. I had enough love for the both of us.”

“Jasper was a very handsome, charismatic and confident man.” She laughed softly. “He was determined to have me and I was just as determined not to be caught. Every time I turned around on my campus, he was there with flowers, chocolates, and good old-fashioned courtship. I was in awe of him.” She looked deeply into his eyes. “I still am. He was my first and only lover.”

There it was. That all-consuming love she witnessed between her parents. She was always the outsider looking in and never invited to join in the celebration of their love. Funny how now after all of these years, she understood it.

Melissa waited for the agony to claim her. It was only a prick this time. Something she could withstand. She’d finally grown into her own self-worth. It’d been a struggle but she made it.

“I felt like I didn’t belong in your lives,” Melissa said.

Her mother leaned toward her and laid her hand on hers. Melissa was stunned. Her mother never touched anyone unless it was her father. To feel her skin, fleeting as it was, against hers was almost her undoing. She didn’t move, afraid the slim connection would be broken. She inhaled, absorbing the fragrance of Cuir d’Ange, the French perfume her mother had worn for years.

“I don’t know how to be a good mother.” Elizabeth Delaney said matter-of-factly. “I’ve never been something that others wanted me to be. I am who I am. I don’t think I can change.”

“You haven’t tried, Lizzie,” her father said. “This is our daughter we’re talking about. I know you want a relationship with her. I know you love her.”

“Don’t speak for me,” she said, curtly.

He laughed heartily and didn’t seem to be perturbed by her harsh tone. “Oh, believe me. I wouldn’t
dare
speak for you, my love. But I
do
know you. Better than you know yourself. I love you as much or even more than the day I married you. I know deep-down you love our daughter. Since she’s been gone, I’ve seen the disappointment in your eyes as months, years and holidays passed and she never called or came to visit. Five years is a long time to pretend that everything is right in your world.”

“You don’t know everything, Jasper.”

He just smiled at her. “Take down the wall you’ve put up between the two of you. Our daughter has come home. It’s time to start fresh.”

Melissa opened her mouth and exhaled soundlessly. Tears formed in her eyes and rolled down her cheeks.

Elizabeth removed her hand from hers. “I’m not an easy person. I can’t get back the years lost.” She paused. “But we can try at least to open the lines of communication.”

Melissa was so overwhelmed she couldn’t speak but managed to nod her acceptance.

“Well, that’s a beginning,” her father said, “I have something to say to you, baby girl. I was so afraid of losing your mother that I cut my own daughter out of my life. I didn’t do it intentionally but it happened all the same.”

“I forgive you, Daddy.”

She heard her mother’s swift intake. It was easier to forgive her father but she and her mother had a long road to travel. It wouldn’t be easy but she was at least willing to try.

“I have grown up a lot in the last five years. I survived. I had no choice.”

“It hurts that we weren’t there for you, baby.” Jasper’s voice was filled with hurt.

“If you don’t mind me asking,” her mother said, “where were you?”

“California.”

“So far but yet so near.” Jasper stood to his feet. Melissa and her mother stood also, looking at him. “Stay for a while, baby girl.”

“I…don’t—” she started.

“We want you to stay don’t we, Lizzie?” he asked his wife.

Her mother was quiet so long that Melissa didn’t think she would respond to her father’s question.