White Lies: (The Uruwashi Series #4) (24 page)

Tristan was already moving forward, roaring. His first hit was a nice square punch to her face. She didn’t move, bother to try and avoid the hit and took it like a champ even if the impact knocked her tiny body off balance. She tumbled over backwards and twisted to land on her stomach.

Tristan flinched, faltering at his own reaction, giving Xuejiao more than enough time for retribution. He never even saw her move, get to her feet and rush him, only that all the sudden his own feet were out from under him and he was in the air. He landed hard, smacking his head against the hard packed floor with a grunt. When the white spots cleared a few seconds later Xuejiao was standing over him looking haughty.

“Why did you hesitate?”

Tristan sighed, resigned to his defeat. “I’ve never hit a child before.” He’d surprised and scared himself.

“And that is your first lesson… never trust your eyes.”

“Yeah,” he sighed. “I know.”

She harrumphed and moved away. He refused to turn his head as he heard the scrape of the bucket being moved. Fuck, the man was dead the moment Xuejiao laid eyes on him.

“And what lesson am I supposed to learn with that man?”

She marched past him, giving him a glimpse of her kimono and he gave into the urge to turn his head to watch her. She walked to the open door and stopped, turning to look back. “Come with me.”

He huffed but pulled himself up. He hesitated, turning slowly to glance at the dead man. The coat he had had on was worn with a thick fake and ugly fur collar so Tristan had assumed he was just a punk kid but now, really looking at him, he realized that might have been wrong. Under that ratty coat the man had on a very nice suit, complete with a vest that was now lying in the dust. He was clean shaven and his hair was tidy and neat save for what gravity had undone for him. A businessman, just like the last one.

Xuejiao lead them through the snow down a soft embankment. It was as they reached the bottom that Tristan realized there was a river. Xuejiao stopped, looked out over the landscape in some deep thought and then without ceremony or reason hefted the bucket and tossed the contents into the river.

Tristan’s mouth dropped open as she considered the bucket for a moment and then tossed it in too before turning to walk back the way they came.

“Wren told me you were practical, to a fault. That just now, that wasn’t practical. You just killed that man for nothing.” He frowned at his own words. Wouldn’t he have said that same thing if the vampire drained the man to feed herself?

“Not for nothing, no.”

“Then why, because I don’t understand.”

“Lesson two,” she said as she sat down right there at his feet and started to build a snow castle without actually touching the snow. “Never trust a vampire to do what you think they will.”

He took a step back, not liking the extra tingling in his middle from her working her seikonō on the snow. “Seriously? You’re telling
me
? I knew that all too well without your little show.”

She stopped and lifted her face. “Did you?”

“Xuejiao, how much longer are we doing this?”

She considered him for a long time.

Finally, she said, “You must be getting hungry.”

“Yeah, ‘cause watching a man die always works up my appetite.” Well, truth? Yeah, he was hungry but felt ashamed for it, like it was wrong to have mundane human needs when that guy just died. And he let it happen.

“Lesson three,” she said as she stood and then kicked the castle. “Life goes on even if it ends for others.”

Tristan scowled. “What the fuck? Why are we doing this? You may have been told not to hurt me but I’m still trying to hurt you. If you think you can trick me into not killing you or whatever, then think again, little sister. It’s nothing personal, but I do have to kill you.”

A sad expression came over her. “I know you do, but you won’t.”

“No one tells me what to do.”

She shook her head, a cynical smile hardening her little mouth. “My fate’s already been decided. As has yours. My time will end soon enough but it won’t be by your hand. And when I die,” She smiled. “You’ll cry for me.”

Tristan’s heart was racing, he could taste his own pulse and, for once, words were lost to him. She knew her end. Was it Jason who told her? Jesus, how could she just go on like this?

“Come on, there’s a place we can stay in town.”

Numb, Tristan stayed where he was, watching the child vampire march through the snow towards the car. He glanced through the open door of the building and could see the dead man.  It was wrong to leave the man like that, strung like a slaughtered pig but he couldn’t bring himself to go back inside, to face his failure.

“I’m a fucking coward,” he muttered and joined his abductor in the car.

Despite his misgivings, Tristan ate. He’d been too long without a good meal now and felt sick for it. Afterward, when he’d had his fill and then some, he felt sick again, a combination of eating too much too quickly and the weight of guilt like a lead brick in his stomach.

Soon, it didn’t matter though because Xuejiao took two more victims that night, a woman and her son. The boy, barely ten, got a quick death as Xuejiao beheaded him with a razor of wind and electricity. But the woman, she wasn’t so lucky.

Xuejiao spent the better part of the night that was left sexually assaulting and torturing the woman. Tristan tried to stop her, but got nothing for his troubles but a broken finger, a sprained knee and a bloodied nose. When Xuejiao had enough of him, she tied him up and left him in a lump in the corner, forced to endure.

Finally defeated in mind and body, he lay on the ground next to a puddle of his own puke listening to the sounds of Xuejiao dismembering the bodies by hand. His mind was utterly empty; he was numb all over. It had all been too much and he knew that if he had go through that again, he would have to be committed. He’d never thought of himself as weak, not truly, but now he was realizing his limits were much lower than he’d so confidently relied on.

All of the sudden
her
face came to him and he groaned, rolling to his side, putting the gore behind him. Ash, where was she? Was she close to finding him or was she as utterly lost as he was? Surely Lilith had to have told her where he was. There was no way Lilith didn’t know… And yet, if that was true, why was he allowed to wallow in this misery? Was she being ordered by this mysterious Jason too?

“I’m not doing all this just to kill you, Tristan.” Xuejiao’s voice sounded condescending.

Tristan curled up tighter, shutting his eyes. “You already have,” he croaked out as his body warmed. He was on the verge of tears, surprised by their sudden appearance but unwilling to stop them.

“Oh, don’t be so melodramatic.”

“Fuck you.”

The little vampire harrumphed and he stiffened when he felt her moving towards him. That’s when it occurred to him that it could have been worse. He felt her like a vampire, but not the way he felt Innokentiy when the man wasn’t bothering to mask is presence. She could have made him feel every single emotion she felt as she mutilated, instead she remained a calm, constant, dull hum to him.

“I’m only doing what must happen.”

Tristan said nothing and Xuejiao came around to sit in front of him. She waited patiently, silently, until he opened his eyes. She didn’t smile but there was something close to one in her eyes. “Can I tell you a truth?”

He snorted, shutting his eyes and turning his face into his arm to hide. “Like I’ll believe a thing you tell me.” Well, maybe he has. That was the trouble.

“Wren was right about me when he said I was practical. I am.”

Tristan lifted a single eye out from behind his arm to peek at her.

“Yes, I was told to do this but, well, I suppose I’m a bit like you.”

He felt disgust and she smiled, knowing so.

“I’m hardheaded too. The First Pythia, Jason…”

Tristan lifted his head to look at her fully now, eyes wide, lips parted. Holy shit, this Jason fellow was… is Lilith’s
father
?

She smiled knowingly. “He has something of mine. Something I want back. That’s the only reason I’m being forced into this ridiculous charade.”

Her words felt true and Tristan shifted to sit. Realizing he was too stiff he relaxed again but kept eye contact with her. “Then let me help you,” he whispered, wondering what in the hell he was doing and unable to stop himself. “Stop doing this, stop hurting people and let me help you get it back!”

Xuejiao laughed, a soft, gentle laugh that Tristan wanted to believe. But he’d seen the devil in her and knew she wasn’t the little girl she so successfully emulated. He might never look at any child the same after this.

“Don’t be naïve, Tristan. I know you’re desperate but this is how it has to be.”

He frowned, realizing what she was saying. “You’re going to keep killing and making me watch.”

“Yes,” she said grimly.

“But why!” he yelled, feeling at a loss. He wasn’t that useless and if they did team up, they could recruit others to help. Make a show of force against Jason and stop the manipulation once and for all, for everyone. It made so much more sense than falling into his scheme.

“Yes,” Xuejiao said sadly. “It does.” She looked away for the first time since they’d crossed paths. It was a reaction of shame. “It’s just the way it has to be.”

“But why? He asked again, feeling impudent and bratty and lost. 

Again she laughed softly and stood. “We’ll call it… equivalent exchange. Yes, I think that’s the term he used.”

Tristan shut his eyes as the nausea threatened again. They shot open again when he felt the ropes on his hand split open.

“You’re just a pawn,” he said sounding disappointed. “Just like the others, nothing but a complacent pawn.”

She smiled at him, it was a little condescending behind sad. “We’re all pawns in life, dear boy.”

“Ugh,” he made the rude noise and stood, wobbling unsteadily to his feet. He was going to puke again, knew it with a certainty but he had things to say first. “I don’t need philosophical bullshit, I need answers.”

She nodded, straining her neck to look up at him from her spot still seated on the floor. “And you will get them. Soon, I suspect. Just not from me. Maybe not even from our mysterious
Lord
.”

He made a rude noise, turning away only to snap back around a second later. That second was all he needed for his sudden anger to be utterly squashed under the new rush of nausea he felt at seeing the mess the girl made. He shut his eyes tight for a moment, trying to think and not remember the bloody chaos he’d just seen.

“Then what’s the fucking point of making me suffer like this? Just to prove that I’m weak, that I’m wrong, what I’m… I’m fucked? Learn to let go? What? What is it I’m supposed to learn from what you do?”

She stood with a sigh. When she got her to feet, she looked up at him and shrugged. “Whatever you make of it.” She shrugged again. “I’m not a pythia, I don’t know the future. Not yours anyway.”

He stared at her a moment and then in his lower, darker tone, the one he remembered talking to Lucien in once but the words were gone to him now, he said, “But you know yours. Your end.”

“Yes.”

“So do I,” he answered confidently.

She smiled a smile that wasn’t expected and did something even more unexpected as she extended her arm. Tristan balked at the gore covered knife she was offering him but took it and turned it on her.

“Can you?” she asked, smile slipping into a frown. “Can you kill me?”

He looked down at the knife.

“I’m just a little girl. But I’m a bad, bad vampire. I won’t stop you. So do it. Kill me now. I’ll even help.” She grabbed his hand and pushed the knife against her chest. “Stab me here, hard. Crush through my ribs and destroy my heart. Cut off my head and burn it.”

He looked up, startled. He couldn’t explain why exactly, maybe it was her pushing her will on him but he believed her. She would stand there and let him stab her, kill her.

“Can you?” she challenged again.

He took in a shaky breath and answered honestly. “No. But I’m getting closer.”

She smiled darkly. “Good.”

IT seemed like someone was whispering to him and Tristan woke with a jolt. Alone, he was alone, but felt as if there was someone else very close to him. Was it the shinigami Xuejiao claimed was following him that he felt?

Shuddering at the thought, Tristan got up. Everything ached, his broken finger, the sprained knee, his belly forcefully emptied of food, time and time again, the burn in his throat… his head, so full of pain and yet utterly empty. Maybe this was what it was to die but remain earthbound. He was a wraith.

The room was gloomy and he frowned. Xuejiao must have moved them again while he was passed out but to where, he had no clue. There was a kitchen and as he zombie waddled his way through he plucked a large butcher’s knife from the counter. It’d been done before, again and again, Tristan would awake somewhere new and he’d find a knife. Threaten but never find the will to use it. He knew he had to stop her but something kept him held back each time.

Yeah, it’s called a fucking conscious
, he told himself. But he’d begun to wonder if it was something more, something beyond his control.

His feet were wet and he knew why without looking, could smell it from here. With a groan he followed the blood trail out of the kitchen and deeper into the house. Even without the crimson trail, he could feel her, the weight of her immense presence. She felt heavier tonight, her carefully held back powers seeming to leak and stream all around him, seeking him out.

Sitting in the middle of the room Indian style, Xuejiao turned at the small noise he’d made and looked Tristan up and down, expression empty, before turning her back on him again. She no doubt saw the big ass kitchen knife in his hand but didn’t care, wasn’t anything new.

The blood trail Tristan had been following stopped at Xuejiao and spread out into a great big blob of gore. The vampire sat right in the very middle of it, bent over something. It all smacked of déja vu, he’d been here before, done this before. How many days had it been now that he’d played this very scene over and over again?

Tristan moved towards Xuejiao. “Where are we?” he asked in a tone that was utterly dead. There was no life to his voice and it should have scared him. He didn’t know
where
, but he had an idea of
what
. As in, what Xuejiao was doing. And when he got close enough to see over her, he felt the emotions rush in anew. Anger, yes that was there but more than that was the raw emotional pain. “You…”

The vampire didn’t bother looking up as she withdrew her hands from the ball of water she had affixed around the head of the man laid out in front of her. He was face down and not moving but Tristan thought he saw the man’s back move ever so slightly. Both wrists were cut and slowly seeping, but not like he was clotting, more like… well, almost empty.

“You killed him.” Again. Another one died.

Xuejiao made an angry hiss and jabbed at the man’s shoulder. The body flinched under her blow but the man didn’t move voluntarily. “Not yet.”

Tristan’s breath hitched as the life slowly seeped into him again. “Let him out.”

Slowly the vampire looked up to him, her eyes as cold as her powers. “Oh please. You know the answer to that. Honestly, I’m getting tired of this game. Haven’t you learned your lesson yet? I’m ready to move on, this is taking too long.”

“I said, let. Him. Out.”

The anger, yes it helped color the darkness and give him life. If he could only hold onto it, use it, maybe this was his chance to end things. And it was on him, wasn’t it? She’d offered him many times since that night with the woman and her son, for him to kill her. And she meant it. She wanted to die.

Was that the end to all this? Him giving in and killing her? But, no, she’d said she knew her end and she also said it wasn’t by his hand.

Tristan felt like raving again, but what was the point? She’d broken him; too bad that wasn’t the end of their game.

“Let him up already.
Xuejiao
!”

Tristan just reacted on instinct and dove at the vampire with the kitchen knife. Xuejiao was so much faster, almost impossibly so, and she was so powerful. She didn’t even have to use her hands to stop him, but she chose to reach out and grab him by the wrists, stopping him dead in his tracks.

“Do not forget our agreement, Tristan,” she warned in that all too adult tone. “You can kill me, but only when I say and now is not that time.”

He tugged back, testing her hold on him and found it solid.

“I didn’t agree to that,” he hissed feeling his panic start to overtake him. “Any of this! I won’t stand by anymore and watch you kill innocent people!”

The vampire flinched. “Innocent? You think all these monsters are
innocent
? Are you really this dense? I knew you were rash, but stupid? Have you not seen anything these past four days?”

Had it been four days already? Jesus, Ash must have been out of her mind. Tristan was. At least, for an entirely different reason. And while Ash’s mind would be mended by their reunion, for Tristan, he wasn’t sure his ever would, not fully.

“Just because they aren’t like you, doesn’t make them wrong!”

“I’m so disappointed. I thought you’d get it right away, but even after four days you’re just as clueless…”

“Xuejiao!” he cried out, the anger gone from his voice. He fell to his knees next to her, the knife forgotten, useless. “You, you have to stop. I can’t take it anymore. I can’t accept that I’ve let you kill all these innocent people—I might as well have been the one who killed them.”

She’d finally broken him, the look on her face said she knew it. “There you go with that word again, innocent. Tell me, why are they innocent?”

“I, uh—what?”

“Wren says I’m practical, but he doesn’t even understand the first thing about me. We’ve never shared blood or bed before, you know.”

She moved close to him, the stink of blood on her clothes and skin, it was too much and Tristan turned away from her. But his attention was drawn back around when the man on the ground stirred as his unconscious body realized it was drowning.

“Let him go,” Tristan whispered.

“No,” she said firmly and a little sob broke from Tristan as he lowered his head in shame. “And I’ll tell you why.”

Xuejiao reached out and lifted his chin, exposed his fresh tears to scrutiny but she only regarded them with a passing glance. “The ultimate lesson… no one is innocent. No one.”

Tristan sobbed again, shaking his head where it still rested in her icy hand. Yes, she was far too cold to have fed on the man. She probably hadn’t even taken a single drop from the man. She hadn’t with the others.  In fact, in all the time he’d been with her, he never once saw the vampire feed.

“I’m not playing with shades of gray here, Xuejiao.”

“No? But you are. By your own standards,
you
should be put to death.”

His eyes darted up to hers and she lifted her brow in challenge.

“Tell me I’m wrong.”

He shook his head, the tears coming harder now and he couldn’t see. Damn, he almost wished he hadn’t dropped that stupid fucking cat off in someone’s yard the other night, he needed to hug something soft and warm,
alive
, right about then.

“No, you know I can’t. You’ve been bottling it up all this time. You’re a murderer and you’ve just been lying to yourself all this time, justifying your means.”

“Please stop.” He could barely whisper, lest his own guilt choke him. She was right. It’d taken some time, aided by the big distraction that was his life now, but she was right. From his very first kill, he felt the weight of guilt and it’d only gotten heavier and heavier the more lives he took. It was easy to justify them, at first. But it was in France that it really hit him.

Audric’s fledglings were misbehaving but no one was in any real danger, they weren’t rampant, wayward killers, stalking people left and right to kill. And yet, two of them died that night. For nothing. Lucien, even Malik, Tristan understood their plights and felt shame that they had to die despite it being the only answer. Every time Tristan killed, he was destroying a piece of himself, of his humanity.

“It’s shades of gray that life and death are decided upon. Like me, you’ve been chosen to judge.”

He laughed cruelly. “No one chose me for this.”

“Of course you were chosen. You’re good and just. You make the right decisions on who should live and die. It’s the job you were meant to have. It’s the job
fate
decided for you.”

“Oh god,” he groaned, curling into himself. No, he never wanted the burden of judgment. Did she know, his ultimate obligation, the task assigned to him in order to stop Mother?

“You know, I’m a little disappointed. I thought you’d rallied the other day but you’ve been quiet since then. You gave up on me. I didn’t think you would. I’d heard you were so tenacious too, relentless. Was enduring me really all that horrible?”

A sob burst from Tristan and he pressed his forehead to the floor, not caring anymore how he looked, what happened to him.

“Your capacity for empathy… you feel deeper than any being I’ve ever crossed on this planet.” She got a sudden but sad smile. “And that’s saying a lot next to someone as emotional as Wrenny-poo.”

He had to snort a little sad laugh.

“You hide your feelings well behind your mouth, your defiance, but everything hurts you, cuts so deeply, doesn’t it?”

“Yes,” he croaked out.

“You’ve shed tears for the vampires you’ve killed, the truly wicked and those you were unsure of.”

It wasn’t a question and Tristan could only guess on how she knew. Nodding, he whispered, “Not just them… but does it matter? What do a few tears and heart aches mean for those I’ve sentenced to death? Who am I to make such a profound decision?”

“Do you think death is the end?”

His attention jerked up. Again he was startled at how much adult there was in that soft, round childish face.

“Where do you think the shinigami come from? The angels?”

Tristan’s eyes widened. “The shini—I thought they were just bodiless souls, manifestations of energy…?” Well, that was the best way Mamoru could describe it. He’d said no one really knew what they were, where they came from or how but maybe the truth was closer to Mamoru just not knowing and trying to save face by coming up with the best answer.

Xuejiao’s little mouth turned down and she reached out to put a tiny hand on his head. “Don’t cry so, little Uruwashi. It’s unsightly.”

“Fuck off,” he sputtered. God, he didn’t need her being condescending at a time like this.

“I really am disappointed. I’d heard so much about you, your tenacity, your immutable will, but I guess it was all over exaggerated. Then again, it was unfair of me to judge you on word of mouth alone. You’re every bit the man I expected, but for that one thing. I didn’t expect to have broken you so easily.”

“It’s ‘cause I cried in front of you, huh?” He couldn’t believe he was joking with this little monster, but he had to or he might lose his shit all over again.

“Guess you’ve had a rougher time of it than the rumors say.”

“Rumors? What fucking rumors?”

She smiled. “Oh, just the idle chatter amongst the shinwa. Some of the heikō are whispering about you too. Seems you left a big impression on a mermaid clan in the Mediterranean. You have a small head count, really, but you’ve left a big impression the world over. Shinwa and heikō are taking notice and starting to believe in the myth of the Uruwashi.”

“Are you finally going to tell me what this whole thing was about? What was I supposed to learn?”

She smiled and crouched down to put herself level with him. “I think it’s about time to find out finally…” She stopped and cocked her head as if she was listening to something but all Tristan could hear was his pounding heart. “I really wished you would have proved that conniving pythia wrong.”

Tristan tensed. “By killing you? You really wanted me to kill you?”

She gave him a look that said clearly, “Of course I did.” Standing, she said quickly, “Up, up. Quickly, now. We have to go.”

“Where?”

She took in a deep breath to answer only to let it out in a sigh. Then she laughed sadly, hanging her head. “A short walk into the light.”

Tristan frowned at her cryptic words and tightened his fingers around the knife in his hand. The thought to use it on her now while her back was to him never even occurred to him. Yes, he just spent the last four days forced to watch her torture and kill but he couldn’t bring himself to kill her. It wasn’t that she wore the guise of a child, but something else, something he couldn’t find words for. Intuition, maybe?

“What are you talking about?” he asked, trying to get his feet under him.

She rushed towards a door with Tristan stumbling close behind like a dog after its master. That’s when he felt it and came to a jarring stop.

“Oh my god,” he whispered, his eyes wide. Just how many of them were there?

Xuejiao looked up at him, standing tears in her eyes. “You know, now that the moment has come, I don’t know if I can go. I feel like I owe you an explanation, an apology for what I’ve done to you, but it’s too late now.”