My Sister's an Alien

When Eppie gets squished to the size of a strawberry, ends up flying round the world, landing on Planet Sock and about to be kidnapped by a handsome alien prince, it's up to her brother Zeke to rescue her. What follows is a laugh-a-minute adventure full of short-sighted cats, space rockets, burps, possums, owls, goodies, baddies, galactic battles, movie stars, superstars, false moustaches, girls' nighties, flying horses, bright pink lipstick, footballs, diamonds, lovesick Martians and motorbike rides with the man in the moon - and that's all before mum wakes up.

Cover

About the book

Title Page

Dedication

My Sister's an Alien

Other works by Gretel Killeen

My Life is a Toilet

About the Author

About the Illustrator

Copyright Page

More at Random House Australia

It's not every day that your sister shrinks to the size of a strawberry, gets tangled in your yoyo and ends up in outer space … but that's what had happened so far today.

Early this morning Zeke got bored while he was sitting in the car waiting for his mum to take him to school, so he burped the alphabet, picked his nose, did a little fart, checked under the seats for jewelled boxes of hidden treasure and found his precious yoyo instead. Then he offered his sister two million dollars if she would get out of the car and play yoyos with him but while she was leaning out of the car she fell out the window, landed in a pothole, got run over by a truck that was carrying a house and got squished to the size of a strawberry. Now, Zeke knew that he had to stretch his sister back to her normal size but before he did that he thought he might whirl his yoyo on Eppie's head just for a bit of fun, but it got tangled up really badly in her hair and that's when their mum finally came out of the house to
drive Eppie and Zeke to school. So Zeke hid Eppie in the bottom of his schoolbag and then Eppie ended up getting dropped down a toilet, stuffed in a bin, stuck up a tree, confiscated by the teacher, stolen by a bird, pinched by a puppy, stuck in a bike wheel, grabbed by a garbage truck, mistaken for a tennis ball, stolen by a bully and saved by Zeke who, at the very end of the day, was going to untangle Eppie from the yoyo and stretch her back to normal size (just in time for Mum to pick them both up from school and never be any the wiser),
but
he unfortunately decided to do some tricks with Eppie attached to the yoyo first … Walk the Dog, Rock the Cradle, Bite Your Bum and Around the World. And it was while he was doing this particular trick that the yoyo string broke, and off Eppie went …
all the way
round the world.

So, Eppie was attached to Zeke's yoyo looping round the planet.

Meanwhile Mum had arrived to collect both her children from school, and Zeke was standing all alone in the playground desperately wondering if he should:

a) tell his mum that her daughter was lost in outer space and somehow, quite skilfully, make it all Eppie's fault

or b) invite all his friends over to help him celebrate the fact that his sister had flown off the face off the Earth and his wish had finally come true.

or c) run after Eppie and try to save her

or d) just stand there and act like nothing had happened.

Well, Zeke was feeling a little lazy and so he chose d) just stand there and act like nothing had happened. ‘Dum de dum,' he sang to himself, ‘Dum de dum hoola de dum.'

Mum was getting closer so Zeke tried to think of what he might say should his mum happen to ask ‘Do you know where Eppie is?' ‘Um, who?' he could say. ‘I don't know anyone by that name. Perhaps you mean that poodle over there.' Or else he could say, ‘She's gone to play at a friend's? Uh, she's on detention? A wizard put a spell on her and turned her into dog poop. Or actually she's been kidnapped, and the kidnappers want a huge ransom that I know we can't afford so I suggest it would be cheaper to buy another sister. ‘

(Actually, Zeke realised, that last excuse was not a very good one because there's no way anyone would believe that a kidnapper would want a ransom for Eppie. More likely after five minutes with Eppie, the kidnappers would pay Mum to take her back).

Mum was waving. She was getting
close. Act normal, thought Zeke, act normal.

She was coming closer and he was nearly acting normal except that he was bouncing up and down like a tennis ball and opening and closing his mouth so fast he looked like a mixture of a wide-mouthed frog and windscreen wipers stuck on FAST. (Please note that although boys do often act very weird this is not what Zeke normally looks like.)

‘Oh my goodness,' thought Zeke. ‘I should quit bouncing, shut my mouth and stop my eyes from blinking because otherwise Mum will definitely get suspicious and even though she won't know exactly what's happened she'll punish me anyway. It could be terrible, it could be horrible: much worse than having a sister!'

But actually Zeke need not have worried, because his mum didn't
seem to notice anything odd at all and walked straight past him to the middle of the playground where she bent down and kissed a small tree.

‘Yahoooooooooooooooo,' Zeke whispered softly. ‘Mum's forgotten her glasses again.'

‘Perfect,' thought Zeke. ‘Mum's blind as a bat and there's no way I'm
telling her where her glasses are.' (You see, much as Zeke adored his mum, he rather enjoyed his life as well, and although he apparently talked far too much in class and only tried half as hard as he could, Zeke was smart enough to realise that if he told his mum where her glasses were she would immediately see that Eppie was missing and he would
of course
cop all the blame.) So Zeke said nothing and ran off to the school sports equipment room where he borrowed a tennis racquet.

‘Hi, Mum,' said Zeke when he returned and gave his mum a peck on the cheek.

‘Hello, Darling. Have you seen Eppie?'

‘Yes, she's here,' said Zeke holding up the tennis racquet. ‘But she's lost her voice so she can't say too much.'

‘Oh dear,' said Mum. ‘Eppie's voice probably just needs a rest. Voices get
tired too you know.' And with that Mum kissed the tennis racquet on the head, said “there, there” and the three of them got into the car.

During the drive home Mum sang her favourite song,
Achy Breaky Heart
, which made all the dogs they passed on the way howl very loudly. Zeke was of course completely embarrassed, but when you're in the middle of pretending your sister is a tennis racquet you are really in no position at all to criticise others.

And so, instead of groaning and rolling his eyes as he normally would
when his Mum sang
Achy Breaky Heart
, Zeke decided to pick a fight with the tennis racquet, just so Mum would think everything was normal.

‘M-u-m, Eppie's pinching me,' said Zeke. ‘Mu-u-um, she's kicking me. Mu-u-um, Eppie just poked her tongue out!'

‘Quiet, you two,' said Mum as she drove with her head stuck right out the window because she thought it might help her see a little better. ‘Quiet, you two or you'll have no TV for the rest of your lives.'

‘Good,' said Zeke to himself. ‘Mum doesn't suspect a thing.'

Once they got home, things were really pretty good for a while. Zeke of course got to eat twice as much afternoon tea and when Mum realised that Eppie hadn't eaten a crumb she sent the tennis racquet off to bed.

‘I'll take her,' said Zeke, acting
really kind. ‘You just keep looking for your glasses.'

‘Oh that's so sweet of you,' said Mum. ‘And when you get back down we'll have a nice piece of chocolate cake.'

(‘Actually,' Zeke thought, ‘I'd rather have a new yoyo.')

All alone in Eppie's room, he tucked the tennis racquet into bed, looked around and quietly began to think seriously what the rest of his life would be like without his little sister … ‘Fantastic!' he decided.

That night Zeke got to watch whatever he wanted on TV, his mother did nearly all his homework, and he got to stay up extra late. But then, just when he was about to clean his teeth and go to bed, his Mum said, ‘I'll be up in a minute to give you a hug. I'll just give Eppie her cuddle first.'