Whiter Shades of Pale (9 page)

Among the wrong kind of white people, few are more hated than the wigger or whitethug. Though it is very acceptable and common for the right kind of white people to dress and act as though they are Japanese, Chinese, or European, it is completely unacceptable for them to act like rappers.

This distaste caused a dilemma for white people, who had to show not only that they loved hip-hop but also that they were aware of their whiteness. The brilliant solution they came up with was to co-opt hip-hop words and mannerisms and filter them through a white-appropriateness system.

For example, white people find it particularly hilarious to take slang and enunciate every word perfectly.

“Homey, that béarnaise sauce you made is wack. Do you know what I am saying? For real.”

“Well, I used a different type of butter. I switched the style up, so let the haters hate and I’ll watch the deliciousness pile up.”

Since the above exchange involves people who are very aware of their whiteness, it is hilarious, but if it were to be said by wiggers, it would be tragic. The difference is subtle but essential.

This is also an excellent way to make white people like you. If you can
recite rap lyrics with perfect enunciation, they will always find it funny. As a rule of thumb, the more popular the rapper, the funnier it gets. Best options: 50 Cent, Tupac, Biggie Smalls, or Jay-Z. Note: Avoid Kanye West, as the irony of reciting his lyrics with perfect English is not as great.

In terms of physical actions, there are few things white people enjoy more than throwing up fake gang signs in photos. Again, the same rules apply: if it’s done by wiggers it is tragic, but if it’s done by the right kind of white people, it is hilarious. It’s not a good idea to mention how these signs have often resulted in awful, senseless deaths—that will ruin the joke.

In both cases, the actions are done in hopes that a white person will be recognized as “one of the good ones,” who love hip-hop but don’t try to appropriate it in any nonhilarious ways.

In both cases, your best response is to say, “Did you go to the last Dead Prez/Roots/Mos Def/Talib Kweli/K’Naan/Michael Franti concert? It was incredible. I smoked weed and kept this one finger up for almost an hour!”

Though this information has very little use in and of itself, it could be the final piece in the puzzle of cementing your white friendship. At the very least, it is a guaranteed way to help your progress.

Though they are loath to actually say it, all white people consider themselves to be the smartest in their group of friends. Since they can’t actually say it out loud, they are always looking for ways to prove it that don’t involve standardized test scores, the prestige of their alma mater, or comparing salaries.

For the most part their opportunity to prove their intelligence comes in small, short bursts of specialized knowledge. For example, correcting another white person at a party on things like the original lineup of the Rolling Stones is great, but at most, two, maybe three people will hear it.

What white people have been searching for is some sort of group environment where they can answer a series of questions to prove exactly how smart they are. Thankfully, they have trivia.

Traditionally this trivia has been delivered in the form of board games. But again, those games can be played with at most eight people. And as white people have learned from graduate-level seminars, proving your intelligence to eight people is a bit like working at a nonprofit organization: feels great until you realize that your efforts were pointless.

That all changed with the creation of bar trivia, which has enabled white people to establish the intelligence hierarchy in their group of friends while also proving the full value of a liberal arts education to a bar filled with people trying to do the exact same thing.

If you’re invited to one of these events or just find yourself at a bar where this is taking place, there are a few things you should know. Unlike a traditional competition, where people will brag about their ability and make their intention of winning abundantly clear, white people must pretend that they don’t care about the outcome of the contest.

This is entirely because of a white person’s need for self-preservation in the event that they don’t win. If they do actually manage to win, they will joke to their friends about how lucky they were, while secretly enjoying a giant confidence boost. But if they finish second or third, they will blame the loss on drinking or “getting dumber since they left college” and simply try to laugh it off. But make no mistake: they are crying on the inside.

Adult Swim is a block of programming on the Cartoon Network that has produced such original shows as
Aqua Teen Hunger Force, Squidbillies, Sealab 2021
, and
Space Ghost Coast to Coast
. All of the shows feature irreverent, offbeat humor that is universally enjoyed by white people. Oftentimes younger white people will refer to this type of humor as “random,” which is confusing considering it is a completely inaccurate use of the word. But they are young; they will learn.

To fully understand why white people love this channel so much you have to understand the world of “underground animation,” which is something that has been beloved by white people since
Fritz the Cat
. The more hard-core white people (single white men) will often take their passion for this type of animation so far as to attend an “Alternative Animation Festival,” often held at movie theaters you thought were long abandoned. These events are generally made up of cartoons that show famous cartoon characters having sex or swearing.