Whiter Shades of Pale (6 page)

It may seem hard to understand why a group of white people would put this much energy into re-creating a problem that was solved 150 years ago, but remember, these are the same people who reenact the Civil War and listen to vinyl records. Making life needlessly difficult is one of the more enjoyable ways for a white person to fill their massive amounts of free time.

Additionally, dying from drinking a bad batch of raw milk is considered to be one of the most noble deaths in white culture, right up there with bear attack and accidental death during a Greenpeace protest.

So before you accept any social invitation that might cause you to eat breakfast at the home of a white person, you should always ask if they are a part of the raw milk movement. Otherwise that bowl of Kashi cereal could be your last.

Historically, white people have a poor record when it comes to promises (see Americans, Native, for examples). Thankfully, modern white people are trying to erase the shame of their past by making new promises to themselves that they will never keep.

Writing a novel, going vegan, or sending their future kid to public school are just a few of these great breakable promises. But by far the most common self-improvement promise is to learn a new language.

This plan is first formulated when white people realize that two years of college Italian does not confer fluency. For the most part, these classes will only teach a white person how to order food in a restaurant, ask for a train schedule, and attempt to correct Italian words that have been adopted into English. (“I think you mean
panino. Panini
is plural.”) However, this small amount of proficiency is more than enough for white people to warrant inclusion on their résumé under “Spoken languages.”

For many white people the lack of a second language is their greatest secret shame. It fills them with so much shame that they will literally spend the rest of their lives promising to learn a new language, but not so much shame that they will actually do it. When it comes to learning a new language, white people can follow a few paths, the most common of which is to try to learn a
language that is spoken widely in their current city. For example, white people in places like Los Angeles or Austin, Texas, will often promise to learn Spanish in hopes of being able to ask local taco stands about whether their carne asada is grass fed
(“¿Ha leído usted Michael Pollan?”)
.

In order to reach this level of full fluency (and obnoxiousness), white people believe they must put themselves into full immersion. This means a promise to watch only Spanish-language TV, listen only to Spanish-language radio, read García Márquez in his native tongue, and watch Spanish-language films with the subtitles turned off. There are some instances of white people doing this for almost an entire week!

When this technique is unavailable (or fails), white people will immediately turn to books and computer software as a last-ditch effort to make good on their promise. After about a week, most white people will give up and blame someone for their failure (“This software is terrible,” “There aren’t enough people in Portland who speak Farsi!”). Rather than discarding the books and software packaging, white people will simply place them in the most visible part of their bookshelf. This allows them to believe that they have not failed, since they can resume their studies but just don’t have the time right now.

Because learning a new language is something that most white people fail at, it should be approached with extreme caution. When you hear a white person say that they speak your native language, you will probably think it’s a good idea to start talking to them in said language.
Wrong!
Instead you should say something like “You speak [insert language]?” to which they will reply “A little” in your native tongue. If you just leave it here, the white person will feel fantastic for the rest of the day. If you push it any further or speak quickly, the white person will just look at you with a blank stare. Within a minute you will notice that that blank stare has shifted from confusion to contempt. You have shamed them, and your chance for friendship is ruined forever.

Finally, and though they won’t admit it, white people do not believe that learning English is difficult. If it were, then that would mean that their housekeeper, gardener, or mother-in-law (if they are an elite white person) is smarter than them. And that realization would have the potential to destroy their entire universe.

The best technique is to just tell white people what they really want to hear: “You should move to [insert country] so you can really learn the language.” They will agree instantly and lament their employer’s lack of an office there. Share in this lament and you can enjoy a gigantic increase in trust and friendship from that white person.

If you want to befriend a large number of white people simultaneously, the easiest way to do it is to go to jail for political reasons.

White people love political prisoners because they are individuals who have been locked up due to their beliefs or because their presence stands in defiance of an unjust system. In fact, most white people would love to be locked up for their own beliefs provided that they could go to a jail with private toilets, plenty of books, and no rape.

Since most white people will not end up as actual political prisoners, their best bet is to attend a protest or a benefit concert for a political prisoner. If they are lucky the cops will show up and maybe they will get to go to jail for an afternoon. For white people, being arrested for disorderly conduct at a political rally and then spending an afternoon in jail is known as “police brutality.”

If you happen to be a political prisoner, then you have no further work to do. White people already like you and will provide for you financially in the form of book deals, commencement addresses, and documentaries. But even if you are not a political prisoner yourself, you can still benefit.

If a white person asks you to name a personal hero, it is always a good
idea to mention a political prisoner. If a white person in the conversation drops an answer like “Kurt Cobain” or “Toni Morrison,” you can easily trump them by offering up a name like Mumia Abu-Jamal or Nelson Mandela, which will show white people that you are smart, well informed, and political. Or that you own at least one Rage Against the Machine CD.

But what if you pick the wrong political prisoner? Impossible. This is because political prisoners do not exist until a famous white person has drawn attention to them. Until that point, any person who has been locked up for their beliefs is just a regular prisoner and subsequently not worthy of graffiti stencils.

Conversely, if you ever find yourself needing to end a friendship with a white person, you can simply say something like “Well, he’s a criminal, he belongs in jail. I don’t care what the Beastie Boys have to say about it.”

End of friendship.

White people have a number of significant fears: global warming, not leaving behind an artistic legacy, getting fat, the suburbs, and flyover states. But right near the top is germs. All white people live in constant fear of getting a cold since that will prevent them from going outside and performing outdoor activities. There is also a small but vocal group of white people who still believe their children could catch autism from a toilet seat.

This fear has not gone unnoticed by the cleaning supply and personal care product industries. They have been quick to to step in to provide hand sanitizers, grocery cart handle wipes, and antibacterial everything. All of which help to prevent white people, and especially white parents, from having a complete nervous breakdown every single day.

To fully understand the process of how to drive a white person insane, all you really need to do is plant a seed of disgust in their mind. For example:
Watch a white person touch a doorknob and then eat an apple or a rice cake. Wait a few seconds, then go up to them and say, “You touched that doorknob. Think about all the people who touched it and what they did before they touched it. Then you touched that food and ate it. I don’t want to freak you out, but you should probably make a doctor’s appointment. I think you have hepatitis now. Seriously.”