Whiter Shades of Pale (8 page)

The only other acceptable sticker option for white people is the white oval country tag sticker used commonly in Europe to help identify cars that cross international borders. Though they actually serve a function in Europe, white people use the stickers to show people where they like to take vacations. If you know a white person with one of these stickers, it’s always a good idea to ask them about where they got the sticker. Your question will justify the presence of the sticker and make the white person feel great.

If you have decided that you want to improve your status with white people by applying a bumper sticker to your own car, do not make the assumption that you can just use anything! Stickers that support right-wing politics, guns, patriotism, war, or hunting are all unacceptable. It is also unacceptable to use a sticker with a clever slogan that does not support a left-wing political cause. Any of these stickers will likely end any chance you have of befriending a white person.

Note: Attaching a yellow magnetic ribbon to the back of your car will
result in your being shunned from some of the stricter white communities and should be avoided at all costs.

It is well established that white people like the past. Vintage clothing, history degrees, and nostalgia are just three examples of how white people show their love for bygone eras. So when white people think about growing their own food they are reminded of pastoral images of farming, working the land, and growing whole natural foods for their family. This most positive viewpoint comes from the fact that white people have mostly enjoyed supervisory roles in agricultural production over the years.

But as more and more white people moved into cities, they lost their connection to working the land. In recent years the most advanced white people have quit their jobs, moved to the country, and opened artisanal dairies and small-scale radicchio farms.

However, not all white people have the ability, or the trust funds, to quit their jobs, and follow their food-based passions. Some white people have to get their fix by picking their own fruit.

Many of you might be familiar with the process of harvesting a crop. Some of its more intense variations are often referred to as “migrant labor” and “slavery.” Under these conditions, laborers are expected to work extremely hard in order to live up to large expectations about their fruit-picking output.

When white people harvest a crop it’s known as “berry picking” or “pick your own fruit.” Under these conditions, white people are expected
to work leisurely with no real expectations and then pay for the privilege to do so. In other words, berry picking is the agricultural equivalent to a private liberal arts college. It’s no surprise white people like it, because much like a liberal arts degree it feels like you’ve done real work when you really haven’t.

Of course, the easiest way to turn a profit with this information would be to start your own fruit-picking farm. But that is only looking at the small picture. It is well established that all white people enjoy doing manual labor under watered-down and expensive conditions. So, if you are currently working in a job that requires intensive amounts of work, you should consider using that workspace to create what is essentially an adult day care for white people who would like to spend an afternoon learning how to use a loom or pretending to be a construction worker.

Note: If you encounter a white person who is actually good at manual labor they are either some kind of performance artist, an aspiring writer, or the host of a show on HGTV.

Every four years the entire globe comes together to celebrate the World Cup, and since white people make up a pretty significant portion of the world, they are not immune to the excitement.

However, before you start planning out long viewing sessions with white people you should be aware of exactly why they get so excited about the World Cup. While you may be waiting with bated breath for your favorite sport on a global scale, white people like the World Cup because it is a once-every-four-years opportunity to pretend to be European for a few weeks and, more important, to get drunk at odd hours.

Virtually every white person you speak to about the World Cup is incapable of remembering any actual event that took place during a game but can, with near total recall, remember how they got very drunk on sangria during a Spain-Paraguay match at five in the morning.

The sharper readers among you have likely noticed that clever white people also adore the World Cup because it allows them to pair countries with their respective alcoholic drinks.

“England is playing Argentina? Dude we gotta get some Newcastle then and like, I don’t know, like some wine I guess?”

This plan will be consummated with a high-five, a trip to Trader Joe’s, and the purchase of a soccer jersey that will be worn, on average, twice a decade.

It is also fascinating to note the amazing interest shown by white women in the World Cup. While they generally find most professional sporting events to be boring, the atmosphere at a World Cup match is much more amenable, mostly because they don’t have to drink light beer and there is a good chance that they might meet a European man, or at least someone who might be planning a trip to Europe. This is far superior to a hockey game, where at best they might meet a Canadian. So it goes without saying that for white women, the World Cup can’t come soon enough.

While hosting a themed party around one of the games is a surefire way to increase your popularity with white people, at the end of the day it will not increase your bottom line. No, during the World Cup, the most profit to be made will come from betting on the games with white people. Not only will they have disposable income, but they will adhere to the following betting patterns:

It goes without saying that you should probably avoid trying to talk to white people about any of the actual players in the World Cup aside from
the biggest stars. Most white people cobble their soccer knowledge together from U.K. celebrity gossip and a few games of FIFA on the Wii.

But if you do find yourself talking to a white person who actually knows a lot about soccer, you are probably talking to a European or, worse, a white guy who tries too hard. The latter is especially dangerous, as they have likely been waiting for years to meet someone to converse with about “football” (or worse,
fútbol
) and with soccer’s year-round schedule, they will never leave you alone.

We have already examined the complicated relationship that white people have with food. On one hand they are desperate to participate in the agricultural process (attempting to grow their own food, paying to do manual labor), but on the other they also don’t want to actually have to do anything that requires hard work or leaving their immediate neighborhood.

Looking into this problem, a very intelligent person came up with the idea of community-supported agriculture, or CSA. Under this policy, a group of white people pays money to a specific farmer in exchange for direct delivery of fruits and vegetables immediately upon harvest.

This ensures that the farmer will have a market for his harvest and that white people will get a fresh box of vegetables delivered every week.

This system allows white people to begin a relationship with their food, something they have been meaning to do since Michael Pollan told them to do it. But more important, this system gives them an entirely new way to let vegetables rot in their fridge. Each new box is an opportunity to make a promise and then never cook a recipe that includes ramps, kohlrabi, or Swiss chard.

During the growing season, white people can also make a visit to one of these farms. This is considered to be the greatest benefit derived from
joining a CSA: fresh vegetables, being outside, walking around, and being able to say, “I can’t believe there are people out there who would rather shop at a supermarket.”

It’s pretty much a perfect day for white people.

It is not recommended that you ever ask white people to explain this system to you. They will tell you that it’s a group of like-minded individuals (white) who band together to support a farmer. They are then investing in the crop, essentially sharing in the crop. To which you will have to resist the urge to say, “So … sharecropping. From what I’ve heard you people usually do pretty well under that system.”

This will ruin both your invitation to the farm and the white person’s afternoon. But more important, it will ruin their recently delivered box of produce as they are left to wonder if they purchased it under fair terms.

Then again, if you play your cards right, maybe you can get a free box of peaches.

Though many white people will profess to hate Duke basketball and refer to it as the “Cobra Kai” of collegiate sports, there are a number of reasons why deep down, all white people cheer for Duke basketball.

For one thing, most Duke teams are made up of seniors. These players have spent the past four (or five) years of their collegiate lives devoting themselves to basketball—something that they love but ultimately
have very little chance of doing professionally and so they will probably have to take a high-paying but soul-sucking job when it’s all over. It is the athletic equivalent of an art history degree.

Also, when white people see players so talented that they can leave college early to make obscene amounts of money, it is very upsetting since it reminds them that they are not one of those people. For some reason, they like to believe that their success is based upon a close reading of Faulkner and not their ambition or entrepreneurial spirit.

But not everyone in Duke basketball is white. They are a diverse team and this is part of their appeal. Though white people cannot admit it, a black Duke basketball player is pretty much their ideal black friend: smart, athletic, and not scary.