Why Me? (10 page)

Will report back soon Gary. Over and out.

Bob

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From: Sergeant Gary Kaltwesser

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Do not forget the money

Bob,

Sorry to hear this you should ask about and get the true situation that is my main advice.

Did you get my note about sending the money?

Gary

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From: Bob Servant

To: Sergeant Gary Kaltwesser

Subject: Bugs?

Gary,

Well it's as we expected. Archie's apparently sown up the committee. They're having a meeting tomorrow night and it sounds like he's going to get rubber stamped through. This is unbelievable, Gary. I thought Britain was a democracy but apparently I was wrong. You were talking the other day about Libya. Well if that boy Gaddafi is run out of Libya then he should get himself along to Broughty Ferry Bowling Club because that mob would probably make him captain. It used to be run by good lads like Bill Wood and Jimmy Walker and it's heartbreaking to see it like this.

I was thinking about heading back up there and hanging about outside the President's window. Could you give me some military advice please, Gary? A lot of the time in films you will see people using ‘bugs'. Where can I get a bug and when I have hidden the bug how do I go about hearing the thing? Through a Walkman?

On second thoughts the bug plan sounds quite complicated. Would it be easier if you just taught me, over email, how to lip read?

Bob

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From: Sergeant Gary Kaltwesser

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Yes I can help

Hello Bob

You are having luck because I have 5 years experience in this field. First let me say please this should be confidential what i mean by saying confidential is that it should be strictly private just between you and me only so as not to jeopardies my life and my job.

For tapping in with a bug this can be done easily. I can give you an arrangement to buy one and tell you how to go about this. The right bug can be heard for 50 meters all around. I will show you how to use this when you buy it. this would be best Bob for you to buy a bug through me because for reading lips well this is very hard. Of course I can teach you from my experience but it would take a long time and is different for every language.

Your friend

Gary

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From: Bob Servant

To: Sergeant Gary Kaltwesser

Subject: Just Back

Gary,

Unfortunately your email didn't arrive in time. I went up to the bowling club and had a look in the window but it was a complete washout. I tried to lipread but the only word I could make out was ‘super-injunction' so I presume that was just part of the topical smalltalk at the beginning. The only reason I picked up that one was because the hyphen makes it obvious, but other than that I was stumped.

What I can say is the two of them were getting on great guns. Lots of laughing and stuff with the eyes that very clearly said ‘we are friends and this is fun'.

I've heard on the grapevine they're having one more meeting tomorrow Gary so that's my last chance. I'm going to head up with my neighbour Frank and have it out with them. I need advice from you in the morning, are you available?

Hope you're having a fun night. I'm shattered so right now for me it's a pie, a pint, pyjamas and bed. The three P's. And a B.

Cheers,

Bob

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From: Sergeant Gary Kaltwesser

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Yes I can help

Hello Bob

I hope you slept well. I am having a bit of rest time. We have been in the battle field last night and it was crazy there Bob. Now I have a week away from the madness. Can you send the $500 by Western Union today so I can buy the cigarettes and candy?

If you send the money I can give you the best advice you will get for this problem at your club.

Your friend

Gary

From: Bob Servant

To: Sergeant Gary Kaltwesser

Subject: Waterboarding?

Morning Gary,

I was up with the birds this morning. Which is only fair, I had to sort out their taxis and so on.
²¹

Right, let's get cracking. Here's the plan. The bowling club is shut today but I know the president will be in there getting everything set up for the election later. So me and Frank are going to head up and have it out with him. What I need from you Gary is interrogation tactics. I need to be able to get inside his head, how do I do that? And if he doesn't talk how can I make him? Frank was saying his nephew was telling him about something called ‘waterboarding' that the Americans have been going nuts for. Anything in that?

Bob

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From: Sergeant Gary Kaltwesser

To: Bob Servant

Subject: I know this

Bob

Waterboarding yeah this is something that we have to doo from time to time to get what we need from the bad Muslim we catch in the field. Its real easy Bob but best for now you send me the money before you go up to the club and then we can talk more. OK?

Gary

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From: Bob Servant

To: Sergeant Gary Kaltwesser

Subject: SHOW TIME

GARY ON WAY TO BOWLING CLUB FRANK IS IN A TRACKSUIT AND I HAVE ALL THE STUFF FOR THE WATERBOARDING ROGER OVER AND OUT FOXTROT

Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless devic
²²

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From: Sergeant Gary Kaltwesser

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Western Union

OK Bob but go to the Western Union on the way and send my money.

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From: Bob Servant

To: Sergeant Gary Kaltwesser

Subject: GAME ON

HAVE STRIPPED PRESIDENT NAKED HE IS LYING ON THE FLOOR AND I AM ABOUT TO FIX THE HOSE TO HIS MOUTH

Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device

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From: Sergeant Gary Kaltwesser

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Do not do this

Wait BOB. This is not right. Stop what you are doing. Clean up this mess with the man and go

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From: Bob Servant

To: Sergeant Gary Kaltwesser

Subject: RE: Do not do this

HE'S FILLING UP LIKE A FUCKING BALLOON

Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device

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From: Sergeant Gary Kaltwesser

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Stop it

What The Hell is now going on?

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From: Bob Servant

To: Sergeant Gary Kaltwesser

Subject: RE: Stop it

IT'S ALL GONE SHITCAKES GARY. I'M OFF

Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device

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From: Sergeant Gary Kaltwesser

To: Bob Servant

Subject: RE: Stop it

What is it?

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From: Sergeant Gary Kaltwesser

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Speak to me Bob

Hello Bob,

I did not hear from you yesterday. Are you there? Hope all now OK with this club and you can go to a Western Union?

Waiting to hear

Gary

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From: DI Lansbury

To: Sergeant Gary Kaltwesser

Subject: Your Assistance Required

Good Afternoon,

I am a Detective Inspector at Dundee Police Station and am investigating the murder of a local bowling club president. Right now, the case is still very unclear but it appears that he was inflated with water until the point of what the pathologist is calling ‘disintegration'.

My prime suspect is a man called Robert Servant. He is pleading his innocence and says that at the time of the murder he was ‘up a tree'. However we have now accessed his computer and I see you are the last person he had contact with.

Can you please explain the exact nature of your relationship with Mr Servant?

Yours,

Detective Inspector Angela Lansbury

Dundee Police Force

No problem too small

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NO REPLY

18
See
The Dundee Courier
, 16 February 2006: ‘
Council Berated For Poverty “Celebration”'
(‘Dundee City Council were forced to defend themselves last night after marking the West Ferry estate's inclusion in an EU document highlighting inner-city poverty with a drinks reception. “At the end of the day a European title is just that,” said a council spokesman. “We've put Dundee in the spotlight and on the lips of the Brussels top dogs. If anything, we should be applauded.”')

19
See
The Dundee Courier
, 29 March 2011: ‘
Station Management Slam “Kamikaze” Fare-dodger'.

20
See
The Dundee Courier
, 18 June 1939, p. 27: ‘
Moustachioed German Invades “Poland”'.

21
Another of Bob's favourite jokes. I would estimate that I have heard it over 400 times but have to concede this is considerably less than Bob's desperately unfortunate postman.

22
Bob Servant owns no BlackBerry.

From: Rose

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Why Me?

Hello dear,

My name is Rose. I am 24 years old and am residing in the refugee camp in Sudan as a result of the civil war in my country. Please listen to this important information, My late father was the managing director of a major Factory and he was the personal advicer to the former head of state before the rebels attacked our house and killed my mother and my father in cold blood. It was only me that is alive now and I managed to make my way to this camp.

When my father was alive he deposited money in one of the leading banks in Europe which he used my name as the next of kin. The amount in question is $9.3 (Nine Million three Hundred Thousand US Dollars). And i have contacted the bank so that i can have the money to start a new life but they requested that i should have a foreign partner as my representative due to my living status here. I know that you would be a proper person for this. I know already that I trust you. I need only your information.

Yours in love.

Rose

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From: Bob Servant

To: Rose

Subject: RE: Why Me?

Rose,

Great to hear from you again. You appear to have sent me exactly the same email you sent me a couple of months ago so I am sorry to hear that things have not improved at your end. However, I'm disappointed to see that your $9.3m has not gained any interest in the meantime. I'm no expert, but an amount that large should really be on a decent interest rate. Anyway, things are progressing OK at my end with the book. I've met some great colleagues of yours in the Internet cowboy game and am just about to speak to some more.

As I said, you're more than welcome to get involved?

Your Servant,

Bob Servant

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From: Rose

To: Bob Servant

Subject: RE: Why Me?

I remember you I told you I have no time. Yes this is the same email because things have not got better for me in the refugee camp if you have time to write a book then you should have time to help people in my situation but maybe you are just selfish man then OK fine I will find people with God in their lives because every day I fight just to get enough to eat.

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From: Bob Servant

To: Rose

Subject: RE: Why Me?

Rose,

OK, again that's your decision not to appear in the book and once again I will fully respect it.

If I may give one quick piece of advice it would be that, if you're really hungry, I would consider selling your laptop.

Yours in trust,

Bob

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NO REPLY

From: Financial Services

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Loan Available Now!

Do you need a loan for business or personal use? If yes contact us

----------------

From: Bob Servant

To: Financial Services

Subject: In The Nick Of Time

A big ‘Dundee hello' to the world famous ‘Financial Services'!

Thanks for getting in touch. I need some readies badly. Can you Geldof me up?
²³

Your Servant,

Bob Servant

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From: Peter Smith

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Application

Mr Servant

Thanks for your mail. I want you to fill the information required for the processing of the loan request. Interest rate is 3% per annum. We put our client interest first in our transaction and we promise to give you our best