Why Me? (14 page)

My Head Is A Whirpool And I Can't Swim – The Troubled Mind of Vernon Kay

Sticks and Stones Broke My Bones – The Rise and Fall of Wolf from Gladiators

Dumped! How I Pulled Myself Together and Learnt To Love Again by Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne

I think your story could fit very comfortably indeed into our catalogue. We pay generously for the right stories and I think you're sitting on a cracker (not in a saucy way).

Are you in?

Bob Servant

Managing Editor

Sad Times Publishing

----------------

From: Owen Bell

To: Bob Servant

Subject: My price

Dear Bob

OK I understand. Well my story would sell millions of books all through the world and there could be a movie and TV for sure so for you it is chance to be rich. my story would be worth $1m and this is true Bob if you work it out so this my start price and now we talk.

Owen

----------------

From: Bob Servant

To: Owen Bell

Subject: Absolute belter

Owen

Thanks for your email. I've not laughed that much since the first Gulf War.
²⁸
A million dollars eh? Let me tell you something pal. A couple of years back it was in the papers that Dawn French got a million quid for her autobiography. And that's Frenchy we're talking about, Owen, Frenchy. Now, Owen, you're going to have to help me here. How in God's name can you say you should get the same as old Frenchy?

I attach a link and ‘screen grab' of the famous scene from Vicar of Dibley where Frenchy falls into a puddle. Beat that.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rUpBTVilhzY&feature=related
²⁹

Yours,

Bob

----------------

From: Owen Bell

To: Bob Servant

Subject: This is easy and not a book

Bob,

This is easy to do and in fact you shoold know that anyone with camera and rainfall is possible. any anyway Bob this is not a book this is a movie so how can you compare. I have told you some of my story but not all and you would not have written me if you did not see the book this could be. I told you this is just my start price and now we talk so make me counter offer

Owen

----------------

From: Bob Servant

To: Owen Bell

Subject: You're not Frenchy

Owen,

Yes you could jump in a puddle but Frenchy was the first person to do it and that's why she's one of the nation's favourite ‘funny women' and you're not. Sorry to be so blunt, Owen, but someone has to tell you. You're wasting your time pretending to be Frenchy when you should be out working hard to provide for your family.

Bob

----------------

From: Owen Bell

To: Bob Servant

Subject: RE: You're not Frenchy

How can i work when i am in a refugee camp what is going on in your mind? This woman cannoy be the first person to fall into puddle you ask what is wrong with me but what is wrong with you? i am not pretending to be anyone but i think you are pretending to be someone with this nonsense

----------------

From: Bob Servant

To: Owen Bell

Subject: Give Up

Owen,

OK, let me make this even clearer for you. You are not Dawn French. I'm sorry, Owen, I'm sure it stings to read it in black and white like that, but you're a big boy and you need to accept it.

You are not Dawn French, Owen, and, no matter how hard you try, you never will be.

Don't shoot the messenger,

Bob

----------------

From: Owen Bell

To: Bob Servant

Subject: RE: Give Up

I DO NOW WANT TO BE DAWN FENCH TODAY OR ANY DAY YOU ARE SO STUPID AND YOU TELL ME TO GIVE UP WELL IT IS TIME YOU GIVE UP

----------------

28
See
The Dundee Courier
, 2 August 1990: ‘
Arabian Fights'
.

29
This link will indeed take you to a clip where Dawn French, in character as the Vicar of Dibley, falls into a puddle. In 2009 this clip was voted into second place by readers of
Bravo
women's magazine in their ‘LOL of All Time' competition. The winner was, of course, the unforgettable scene in
Only Fools and Horses
when Del Boy inexplicably falls through an open bar hatch. Third place was a sneezing panda.

From: Michael Wong

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Return the form

DEAR FRIEND,

I write from the Alliance Bank here in Malaysia. We have an American client Raymond Beck who has now been killed in a car crash while vacation in the island of Bali. I seek a foreign repsesentative to seek the balance of his account $5.5m. If this interests you then simply return the form the below application directly to the bank. As you have assured me that you will maintain absolute confidentiality in this transaction, please keep it between both of us and never mention my name to the bank as I will be guiding you step by step to avoid any mistake. Once you get any response please get back to me without delay. Proceed now and email the bank on address as follows:

info@

APPLICATION FOR THE RELEASE OF FUNDS INTO MY DESIGNATED ACCOUNT

ATTN: DIRECTOR FOREIGN REMITTANCE DIRECTOR

I AM MR/MRS ...................... OF................ AND I WOULD WANT YOU TO INTIMATE ME ON THE MODALITIES AND PROCESS TO GET THE FUNDS LEFT FOR ME BY MY LATE RELATIVE (Mr. Raymond Beck) WHO HAS A FIXED DEPOSIT ACCOUNT #546556664-854 IN YOUR BANK AND DIED IN THE YEAR 2006.

PLEASE INFORM ME OF THE REQUIREMENTS TO GET THE SAID FUNDS OF USD $8.5 MILLION TRANSFERRED INTO MY BANK ACCOUNT WITHOUT DELAYS. I WOULD GREATLY APPRECIATE IF YOU WOULD DO THIS WITH SWIFTNESS AND GET BACK TO ME WITH THESE INFORMATION'S TO ALLOW MY PROCESSING THE TRANSFER RIGHT AWAY.

MY ACCOUNT DETAILS

Michael Wong

Alliance Bank

Malaysia

----------------

From: Bob Servant

To: Michael Wong

Subject: You've Ripped Out My Heart And Thrown Away The Key

Michael,

Terrible news about Raymond ‘Old Slowhands' Beck. I used to bowl with the guy and I can't believe that right now he's slowly unbuttoning his cardigan in the great changing room in the sky. I've not been this shocked since Cliff Richard shat in the umpire's chair at Wimbledon.
³⁰

However I will not shoot the messenger (there's been enough killing) and I will now enter a one-week period of mourning. I'm going to go and get a triple supper from Maciocia's chip shop and stick on some Michael Marra. It's what Slowhands would have wanted.

I would ask you and your extended family to do the same.

See you on the other side,

Your Servant,

Bob Servant

----------------

From: Michael Wong

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Return the form

DEAR BOB,

Please forward the below application directly to the bank.

APPLICATION FOR THE RELEASE OF FUNDS INTO MY DESIGNATED ACCOUNT

ATTN: DIRECTOR FOREIGN REMITTANCE DIRECTOR

I AM MR/MRS ...................... OF................ AND I WOULD WANT YOU TO INTIMATE ME ON THE MODALITIES AND PROCESS TO GET THE FUNDS LEFT FOR ME BY MY LATE RELATIVE (Mr. Raymond Beck) WHO HAS A FIXED DEPOSIT ACCOUNT #546556664-854 IN YOUR BANK AND DIED IN THE YEAR 2006.

PLEASE INFORM ME OF THE REQUIREMENTS TO GET THE SAID FUNDS OF USD $8.5 MILLION TRANSFERRED INTO MY BANK ACCOUNT WITHOUT DELAYS.

I WOULD GREATLY APPRECIATE IF YOU WOULD DO THIS WITH SWIFTNESS AND GET BACK TO ME WITH THESE INFORMATION'S TO ALLOW MY PROCESSING THE TRANSFER RIGHT AWAY.

MY ACCOUNT DETAILS

Michael Wong

Alliance Bank

Malaysia

----------------

From: Michael Wong

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Return the form

Bob,

How are you doing today? It has been three days now since I forward you the application and you have refuse to reply me. Please do not cheap me in this way I brought you on here to be my partner and I have risk my job at the bank. Please update me with the latest information right now Bob.

Yours,

Michael

Michael Wong

Alliance Bank

Malaysia

----------------

From: Bob Servant

To: Michael Wong

Subject: I beg your pardon?

Michael,

Are you having a fucking laugh? You tell me that Raymond ‘The Glacier' Beck is dead and I tell you I would like a week to mourn and then you pester me like this? You're putting me under an unbelievable amount of pressure here, Michael. I feel like Nigel Mansell on a hen do.

Michael, I am a 64 year old successful businessman from Broughty Ferry, Dundee. You simply do not get to that position without knowing your onions. You seem to think you can whistle and I will stop my car and lean out like a sheep dog and ask ‘how high?'

Show me some respect.

Bob

----------------

From: Michael Wong

To: Bob Servant

Subject: So Sorry Bob

BOB

I AM REALLY SORRY OF THE WORDS I USED FOR YOU. PLEASE FORGIVE ME AND HAVE MERCY ON ME. I PROMISE TO SHOW RESPECT AND HONOR TO YOU. PLEASE SIR HAVE YOU CONTACT THE BANK YET WITH THE APPLICATION LETTER YET?

GOD BLESS YOU AND SORRY

Michael Wong

Alliance Bank

Malaysia

----------------

From: Bob Servant

To: Michael Wong

Subject: Last chance

Michael,

OK I will give you another chance. Anyway, don't worry, Michael, because I have a wife and a young son so I know all about tantrums and tears and superman pyjamas. And I also have a son!

Sorry I could probably have done a bit better with that joke. How about: I have a wife and young son so I know all about lipstick and kissing and saucy knickers. And I also have a son! No, I also have a wife!

That maybe sends the wrong message. How about: I have a wife and son so I know all about muddy knees, and scratched elbows and ruffling hair and I also have a dog! And lipstick and saucy knickers. And I also have a dog!

That's not really hitting the mark either. Jesus, sorry Michael, my mind's all over the shop here. I feel like Mystic Meg in a car wash.

Bob

----------------

From: Michael Wong

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Thank You

Dear Bob,

Thank you for your jokes which were fun. Now please Bob we are friends now and it is important to proceed with the oportunity we have before us. You have all in the information and the form I have given you so please look at it and get this to the bank today.

Thank you Bob

Michael

Michael Wong

Alliance Bank

Malaysia

----------------

From: Bob Servant

To: Michael Wong

Subject: Let The Dog See The Rabbit?

Michael,

OK I have printed out the forms and will be giving them the once over later tonight with a mug of OVD rum. In the meantime I was wondering if you could send a photo of yourself? I like to know who I'm dealing with as I'm sure you do as well. Could you send me your work ID?

Thanks Michael, hope things aren't too busy at the bank. It's mental here in the UK just now, what with the Royal Wedding and all.
³¹

Bob

----------------

From: Michael Wong

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Photo

Bob,

It would take me some time to present a bank ID Bob. There is a lot of security here. I would send the form to the bank if I was you with your account information and I can show my ID in the future. we saw this wedding here too it was very beautiful.