Why Me? (21 page)

My work brings to me not so many money, but it is pleasant to me. I very much like to laugh and I respect the people with good humour. I like to travel. I yet was not far from mine At home, but I dream in the future to visit in different places. I 2-3 times in Week go to be engaged in sports hall, to hold my body in The order. And you. It will be very interesting to me to learn about it. I wait for your letters.

Sincerely yours,

Elena

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From: Bob Servant

To: Elena Denisov

Subject: Cupid Must Be Wondering Where His Arrow Is Because It's Sticking Out My Fucking Head

Elena,

Thanks very much for getting in touch and I'm very glad that you did. Looking at your photo made my eyes feel like they were on all expenses paid holiday to the Costa Del Skirt. I should tell you right off the bat that I am 64 years old. That doesn't mean that I'm not active on the skirt front but I know that for some skirt I might have too many miles on the clock. That's frankly ridiculous because you can't put a price on experience, just look at Bryan Ferry or that bird from Murder She Wrote.

If I was to start telling you, Elena, about all the adventures I've had with skirt then we'd be here all night so let me just say that if someone wrote a book about skirt then under every category there would be a wee number to go to the index and then the entire index would just say ‘Ask Bob Servant'. They reckon when you die that your whole life fl ashes before your eyes. Well I'll just see one long piece of skirt with Frank's voice over the top asking for money. That's not much of a way to die is it? It's not exactly Butch Cassidy going ‘all in' with the Mexicans.

So maybe you're the answer Elena. What a pair we could be. Like Torvill and Dean with extra sauce, or Cannon and Ball with less. Sorry, I mean more. Although the thought of a sauce-heavy Cannon and Ball is the stuff of nightmares, as I'm sure you'd agree?

I live in Scotland but you should know that I'm not one of those boys who abuses women by giving them cruel nicknames or making fun of their walks. For a start I'd have the local branch of the Skirt Protection League on my back but that's not what would stop me. I'm a romantic, Elena, it's as simple as that.

I attach a photo of my house for your records,

Your Servant,

Bob Servant

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From: Elena Denisov

To: Bob Servant

Subject: This age is fine

Dear bob

Have good day? I waited your letter and was very much Is pleased, when you have written to me. I am waiting for your letters every day! we begin to learn each other more well and to develop Our acquaintance. I think, that it is an interesting thing, to learn someone far through the Internet. It is unusual to me, because I a little is familiar with the Internet.

Your age is not mean anything to me at bob so just forget this. At 64 this is till young with the medicines available today and this is OK for me if you have known many women because I excpect this from a man of 64 and this is just experience like you say. your house so beautiful and way you respect and not abuse women is only joy to me bob.

My heart sing that you reply. I am so happy to hear from you back. Bob i understand that you are looking for wife if you sure if what you are saying i will agree to come your country or can you come down to my country because you know i have nobody to take care of me here.

Ok bob i must go now to work in the shoe store. with all my love

Elena

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From: Bob Servant

To: Elena Denisov

Subject: The Hydro

Hi Elena,

Sorry for the delay in getting back to you. It's just that Wimbledon has kicked off and as always I am throwing in my lot with Andy Murray. I call him ‘The Dunblane Hydro'
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which always gets a good reception in the boozers round here.

I'm a big tennis fan, Elena, it's ideally suited to my mentality because it's a battle of wits and I've got more wits than all the other boys round here put together. Before you ask, yes I have ‘swung the strings' in my time. My God, Elena, you should have seen me out on the court when I was younger. I had a serve that could cause blindness, a second serve I called ‘Old Faithful' and a backhand slice that started whispers as far north as Arbroath.

These days the knees won't join in like they used to so I just stick on my white shorts and my headband then sit down, pour myself a well deserved OVD and watch the Dunblane Hydro.

And why not?

Yours in sport,

Bob

PS I attach a photo of the Hydro. Look at those eyes, Elena. It's like Boris Becker has taken them out of their sockets, polished them up and put them back in.

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From: Elena Denisov

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Tennis player

hello.

ok bob this andy murray is a professional tennis player and the current British numbers one. This is ok for you to have a hobby and sport that you like and watch because i want you to have many intrests and stay active and this will make your life much longer than the 64.

bob i am wondering what the plan would be for us. my problem is to have somebody in my life and you are promising that you are need of a wife and am here to be your fucture patner. please are you realy need a wife if that get back to me with your mind and let's move forward in this our relationship waiting to here from you again.

You tell me how you are with women bob so i should know bob how I am with men. I respect them always and i can't find something that will makes me embarass a man infront of his friends. i can also cook what ever you will like me to cook for you.

Bob i am a little worried about my job. it is not customers at the shoe store and sometimes i wonder if all will be ok. I send another photo to you Bob.

Elena

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From: Bob Servant

To: Elena Denisov

Subject: Gone Fishin'

Elena,

Looking at these photos of you makes me feel like I am on a timeshare in a log cabin next to a lake full of love fish. I want to walk out of the cabin, throw my hook of truth in the water, reel you in, gut you, lightly smoke you over a fire made out of lust, cover you in a sauce of desire and then absolutely devour you.

It's also great to hear that you won't embarrass me in front of my pals, particularly because that is actually a crime here in Scotland.
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I'm sorry to hear business is a bit slow at the shoe store but I'm sure it will pick up. At the end of the day, Elena, people still have feet. I'd like to see the Government try and make cutbacks in the number of feet we're allowed. There would be a riot and they'd only have themselves to blame. Maybe suggest to your boss that you do a bit of team-building but be careful. I remember when I tried to get the atmosphere going on the cheeseburger vans with a ‘Bring a Kid to Work Day' but that backfired when Frank got done on kidnapping charges.

I'm glad you're on the ball with the Dunblane Hydro. You'll have seen that he's now swept a couple of numpties aside. I reckon that German boy was there to cut the grass and just picked up a racquet for a laugh. I do worry a wee bit about the heat though. The Hydro's from Dunblane and they're asking him to play in a hundred bloody degrees. You should have seen him after the game, Elena, he looked like he'd been for a pint on the surface of the sun.

Yours,

Bob

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From: Elena Denisov

To: Bob Servant

Subject: This age is fine

Hi bob

I admire your story from the lake. yes i feel all this too bob. desire and lust and even it is right to talk about love because i think this is love we are entering also. We talk so freely like this is something that we have done since time begins. Bob do you experience also this feelings? I think about you all time bob, when i eat and dress and work at the shoe store and from my way between. Every hour you arrive into my head and i am pleased to have you do this! Please tell me this is not me alone in this thought bob.

I am glad about your Murray hydro win. You must be the best fan bob to make him win like this! If he wins the competition then he should know it is because of fans like you bob.

So bob we should work out master plans to bring us together. Two options are clear bob that you come here or me to you. i will speak to the government department for me to come to your home i might have to buy small visa bob will let you know this.

Bob you must be senting me your photo soon i only know you through words,

Elena

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From: Bob Servant

To: Elena Denisov

Subject: Frank's on the case

Elena,

Another good win for the Hydro today eh? The kid's got it, there's no doubt about that.

Anyway, you're right we need to see each other. I was down at the Cuckoo's Nest bar earlier chatting to Terry Darcus and Big Sandy about this and then my neighbour Frank (who wasn't strictly involved in the conversation) chipped in with an idea that made me stand up like a totem pole. What he says he's going to do, Elena, is build a telescope in his garden that will let me see you.

I asked if he was sure I'd be able to see Russia from Broughty Ferry and he said we should be fine as long as it's not too windy. I'm very excited about this, Elena, and also very proud of Frank. He used to work for me selling cheeseburgers on my vans but if he pulls this off then he could be one of the great Scottish inventors like Alexander Graham Bell.
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I don't know if you know much about Alexander Graham Bell but he was the Scottish scientist big gun who invented the telephone. It was back when most of the other scientist big guns were experimenting with trannies.
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Bell experimented with trannies a little bit (mostly in his shed when his wife was out at work) but after a wee while of messing about with trannies
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and trying on their lipstick, Bell had enough of them and decided to invent the telephone.