Why Me? (9 page)

Your Sergeant Gary

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From: Bob Servant

To: Sergeant Gary Kaltwesser

Subject: Morning Sarge

Sergeant Gary,

Thanks so much for dropping me a wee line from the trenches. It's wonderful to hear from a military man, and I will tell you right now that I'm firmly behind the troops. At the end of the day you lads are just doing your jobs and if a few heads get knocked together along the way then so be it.

It's also great to hear that the Afghanistan gig is still going. I know that the Iraq roadshow got wrapped up last year and it's an open secret that the boo boys reckon both Afghanistan and Iraq have been shite wars because of the lack of major surprises and the time difference.

Well, I've not given up on Afghanistan and I'm delighted to hear that you haven't either, Gary. We've not had a good war since the Falklands and I still think there are a couple of wee twists in the Afghanistan tale yet.

Keep your head down pal.

Your Servant,

Bob Servant

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From: Sergeant Gary Kaltwesser

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Hello there

Hey There,

Thanks for taking the time to respond, makes me feel we've got a connection already. I will love to tell you more about me it's just that I don't always get to log on there to chat. You'll need to know that I'm serving the US Army Marines and currently on deployment here in Afghanistan. I am from Illinios and have served 19 active years with different infantry units.

I have been to a bunch of hot spots around the world and continue to do so today. I generally socialize outside of the military community since I'm single and my peers are pretty much all married with children. I am an avid athlete, having played most sports at one time or another – everything from Adventure racing to Wiffle ball! Someday I'll move home and be able to surf, paddle and dive like I love to do.

Write back soon dear,

Sergeant Gary Kaltwesser

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From: Bob Servant

To: Sergeant Gary Kaltwesser

Subject: Hello there

Sergeant Gary,

What a life you've had, pitching up in the world's hot spots looking all smart in your uniform. I get nervous driving through Dundee's troubled West Ferry estate
¹⁸
so I can only imagine what it's like there in Afghanistan. Even popping out to the shops or heading uptown to look for skirt must be a real ball-ache.

Oh Gary, I hope more than anything that one day you'll be paddling like you used to. And, if you'll have me, I'll be paddling right there beside you.

Fully naked.

Bob

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From: Sergeant Gary Kaltwesser

To: Bob Servant

Subject: This is what I want also

Bob,

Thank you and yes we will be together in this way. I want you to know am a man of one woman, I treat my woman with respect and care. Am a caring man, who show my woman what true love means, i work according to word of God. I'm a romantic man, I love going to the beach, listen to musics, love taking a walk, love going to the cinemas. I would describe myself as very caring a gentle and positive person.

I had like to meet a woman who is caring and considerate, someone I can trust and who will trust me and will always be honest with me, someone who enjoys laughing at the silly things that happen in life. Someone who is willing to share the work to make our home a comfortable place. Someone who likes to live in a tidy house too, I do not like to have things very messy.

What do you seek in your ideal man?

Your Soldier Man

Sgt. Gary Kaltwesser

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From: Bob Servant

To: Sergeant Gary Kaltwesser

Subject: My Ideal Man

Gary,

Great question. My ideal man would have a decent line in jokes, just under my ability would probably work best, and should always let me finish what I'm saying before having a wee crack at something himself. Also, I don't like when men sometimes use their wives and families as an easy excuse to get out of things like sleepovers and I can't bear the ones that clasp their hands behind their backs and sort of rock on their feet while they speak. It's a cheap way of gaining control over a conversation and I will not have it. Not on my watch.

Hope that helps,

Bob

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From: Sergeant Gary Kaltwesser

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Hello Darling

Hi Hun,

How are you doing today? This is the man I am! it is like a dream that we have found each other. The woman I will end up with will love to spend time with me but also have her own life. We will share popcorn at an early matinee, search for treasures at local garage sales and touch, feel and squeeze the vegetables at a road side produce stand. She will be a perfect lady in public and our time behind closed doors will be natural and giving. She will be my life. I will be her ‘rock'.

I will send her roses for no particular reason, with notes like ‘Thank you for being in my life'. She will never doubt my feelings for her. She will become accustom to me mouthing the words ‘I love you' across a crowded room. She will know how I feel about her. I will love, protect and guide her. I am looking for a lover, companion, friend and wife. Let the passion begin. i have butterflies running in my stomach now, i have never feel this way before.

Gary

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From: Bob Servant

To: Sergeant Gary Kaltwesser

Subject: Release the butterfl ies Gary

Gary,

There seems to have been a bit of confusion. I am a 64-year-old man from Dundee's celebrated Broughty Ferry estate here in Scotland. I hope that information allows you to lie back, open your mouth and let the butterflies fly away unharmed.

Having said that I have no problem at all with squeezing the odd vegetable, mouthing stuff across crowded rooms and sending each other notes. However, if we were to do that then I'd rather we were mouthing ‘Isn't this room crowded?' and the notes said ‘How's tricks? Fancy watching Zulu at mine on Saturday morning?'

I thought we were going to be friends and talk about Army stuff but there seems to have been a terrible mix-up.

Bob

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From: Sergeant Gary Kaltwesser

To: Bob Servant

Subject: So Sorry

OMG . . . am so sorry about all this, i also met a woman online and i thought she was the one that has been mailing me. You said about naked and I thought that meant you were a women. Anyways it's okay we can always be friend. Tell me more about you my friend and yes what do you need to hear on life in the Army.

Gary

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From: Bob Servant

To: Sergeant Gary Kaltwesser

Subject: Army

Gary,

Don't worry about getting it horribly wrong on the skirt front because I know how that feels. My pals will probably write ‘He got it horribly wrong on the skirt front' on my gravestone. They probably would too, the terrible bastards.

My Army questions are really just the ones you must get all the time:

How big is your gun?

Have you ever killed anyone?

Can you do a forward roll while running? What I mean by that is would you have to stop running and do the forward roll or could you go straight from running into the forward roll?

All the best,

Bob

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From: Sergeant Gary Kaltwesser

To: Bob Servant

Subject: RE: Army

Hi Bob,

Yes I have a gun like all Marines. We have different guns for different situations. We don't just shoot anyhow or anybody but i have shot 4 bad men on their leg while trying to run off to explosive area and some passed away but they are all bad Muslim and corrupted people. Yes I think I could do run and roll as this is the kind of thing we train to do Bob.

I can't talk too great right now. We are short of troops and also we got trapped in the desert where mines were everywhere so we have to go back inside the Capital until the whole mines was taking out. It's seriously messy out here for now Bob. We also ran out of ammo until the rush team came in and help us out. It is just for the grace of God that kept us all alive.

Have been hearing about the situation in Libya, please my friend tell me some more.

Your good friend,

Gary

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From: Bob Servant

To: Sergeant Gary Kaltwesser

Subject: Bad Times

Gary,

Good to hear from you and sorry to hear things are getting so hairy. I'm glad you can do the run and roll and I strongly suggest you use it the next time you're in a pickle. It's a move that catches people seriously off guard. I used it at Dundee train station a few weeks ago in an attempt to get past the new barriers they've put in. Although I failed to get past the barriers, and was knocked out for fifteen minutes, the major reaction from the punters was an intense respect.
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I'm having my own problems over here just now, Gary. Broughty Ferry Bowling Club are holding their elections and I've thrown my hat in the ring as Social Secretary. I should be an absolute shoo-in for the role but there's a guy Archie standing against me and he's got the ear of the committee. I'm trying to find out what's going on and will keep you posted.

Keep running pal,

Bob

PS No idea on Libya, the Dundee Courier aren't big on foreign news.
²⁰
I do however know of the boy Gaddafi because of the famous rhyme –

If you're going to a cafe

Don't invite Gaddafi

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From: Sergeant Gary Kaltwesser

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Hello

My Friend,

Thank you for telling me about your life. It sounds like this club of yours has people with closed minds. This is not what I believe. I believe in freedom and this was one of the reasons I took this path. Now here in Afghanistan I am just trying to make this job work for my country and the people. It is not easy. Lots of civilians are innocent but there is corrupt suicide bombers and others who would shoot me and my men first chance comes their way.

What is tough Bob is not having the right provisions. I have food and shelter but I can always do with just a little extra for things like cigarettes and maybe some candy and things like this. Do you think as a friend you could send some money maybe just a little? $500 would make my life so much easier here for times when we are not under direct attack.

Gary

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From: Bob Servant

To: Sergeant Gary Kaltwesser

Subject: RE: Hello

Gary,

No problem at all, I will send you some cigarettes, a large bag of funsized Milky Ways and some spare military hardware in the form of an intimidating costume (photo attached). What's the best address for you in Afghanistan?

Bob

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From: Sergeant Gary Kaltwesser

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Hi

My Friend,

Thank you so much for your kindness. I cannot accept packages because we are always on the move and no-one must know where I am so the money is best. Thank you for this Bob I will think of my Scotland friend Bob when I have my rest days and can relax properly with my cigarrates and candy.

Are you OK to send it today by Western Union?

True friend

Gary

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From: Bob Servant

To: Sergeant Gary Kaltwesser

Subject: The Bowling Club

Gary,

It's all kicking off up the bowling club. I was up there earlier and the atmosphere could poison a shark. No-one is looking anyone in the eye and Archie is swaggering about the place like Eric Bristow on a stag do. I don't like this Gary, I don't like it all.