Why Me? (25 page)

55
The former television newsreader Sir Trevor McDonald has never poisoned a bus driver. He did, however, beat a homeless man to death in Birmingham in 1991. See
Your Headlines Tonight: The Trevor McDonald Story
p.201 (‘ “Any change, Sir Trevor?” he asked. I looked around me. We were alone. I walked over and said in a deep, Russian accent, “I will give you some change, by God I will give you some change.” When I came to my senses he was dead and my suit was beyond repair. I felt sick. I called Nick Owen who walked off the 12th green at Sunningdale and incurred a speeding ticket on the M25 in his rush to help me. We buried the body at sea, on high tide at Holy Island. The sight of Nick Owen's head framed against the breaking dawn while he weighted down the body with his golf clubs was one of the most beautiful sights I have ever seen. Afterwards we went for a cooked breakfast and, despite his protestations, I reimbursed Nick for his golf clubs and we went halves on the speeding ticket. It was simply the right thing to do').

From: Dr Larry Moore

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Your Transfer Is Ready

Dear Sir,

We have the transfer of money to your account ready right now. Please for the legitimacy of this project I would like you to contact this lawyer with the below information so that he will tell you what is needed to do to enable the transfer of this money take effect legally without any question.

NAME: ADV DAVID MAHLANGU

PHONE:

advocatedavidmahlangu@

Please contact him for we had already told him about you. Ask any question as you contact him and tell him what he will do for you as a good lawyer to enable you receive this fund.

God bless you,

Dr Larry Moore

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From: Bob Servant

To: David Mahlangu

Subject: All Very Mysterious

Hello,

I was contacted out of the blue by ‘Dr' Larry Moore and asked to get in touch with you. While it is exciting to be given instructions in this way (I feel like I'm in a film or working for MFI
⁵⁶
) I am afraid I have bigger fish on my plate. However one thing I do need is a lawyer. I used to be represented in my scrapes by Joan Downie up near Dawson Park but she's retired now.

Can you ‘Rumpole me up'?

Your Servant,

Bob Servant

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From: David Mahlangu

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Legal Advice

Bob

Yes i am very top lawyer and I did not expect your mail. I work a lot with international transfers of money if this is it and you are expecting transfer then simply send bank details and the money will be with you very soon. My legal chamber will consult the needful office for such transfer and other different Governmental Parasitical responsible for such Fund to be Transfer as you may advice and get back to you as soon as you fill our two legal forms to stand for you as your legal lawyers here in South Africa.

Once again we thank you for your humble contact to our legal office and promised to out in our legal best to get the total fund in your position as soon as we hear from you. I hereby forward the two Attached Legal Form for you to fill and return to us to enable us proceed accordingly.

Yours Faithfully,

ADV DAVID MAHLANGU (Esq.) Member

MAHLANGU ATTORNEYS

SOUTH AFRICA

TEL:

Fax:

Motto: Your satisfaction is our priority

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From: Bob Servant

To: David Mahlangu

Subject: My Apologies

David,

Sorry my mistake, I thought you were based here in Blighty. I need a lawyer and I was interested in handing you the golden lollipop
⁵⁷
but with you based in South Africa I can't see how that would work, what with the language barrier and the time difference.

Oh well, that's life eh? Life's like a box of spanners, David. You choose a spanner and you stand there and say ‘Oh look at me with my spanner'. Hang on. Sorry I think I meant hammers not spanners. Christ, what is it? Look, David, what I'm saying is this, ‘put down your spanner and have a good time'.

Your man in the toolbox,

Bob

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From: David Mahlangu

To: Bob Servant

Subject: This is no problem

Sir

We received your mail and all you said is well noted. In fact these are not any concerns. We have full international clearance to act in Great Britain and also we speak perfect English as you can see. As for time difference well Bob there is just one hour in difference so again do not worry about this.

However Sir, it is our humble respect to inform you that this is our 16 years in the office for this reason we are not ready to stand for any case or project that will bring our legal name down. For this reason we requested that you should fill our legal forms as stated and send it back to us and expect our legal advice by tomorrow after our legal findings as we promised in our first mail.

This is true what you say about life you should not expect the expected ever.

Thank you with peace,

Yours Faithfully,

ADV DAVID MAHLANGU (Esq.) Member

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From: Bob Servant

To: David Mahlangu

Subject: You've got the gig

David,

OK that's great news. Well in that case I am very pleased to announce that you, David Mahlangu, are now my lawyer. My man in the trenches if you like, to cover my charge and chuck a couple of grenades at the boo boys.

I have to say what you told me about South Africa made me feel like Bruno Brookes was pushing my brain through a sieve. I didn't know you lot spoke the Queen's lingo and I'm absolutely knocked for six by the one hour situation.

How about a wee side deal, David? If you're an hour ahead then why don't you send me through horse racing results and I could nip down to the bookies and clean up. We could be majorly Geldoffed up here David or, as you say, ‘totally Mandela'd'.

Are you ready to hear about the case? It's about being the public eye and what it can do to you. Think of Kinnock headbutting his wife on the beach, double it and add 32.
⁵⁸

Bob

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From: David Mahlangu

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Tell me everything

Sir

We thank you once more for your fast reply believing that we will not let you down in any way. The one difference is not this simple Bob. In fact we are both existing at the same point in time it is just the clocks that are different. But do not worry about this, it is not vital.

You must tell me about your case Bob as I am your lawyer. Leave nothing out. And I would ask you to provide proof that you will be in a position to pay for our serviced by sending quickly your main banking information.

You need not to worry about my legal chamber representing you as your legal attorney for this transfer, all we are trying to do is to be a good lawyer to you. Note once more that we don't work blindly in any case or any transaction or project for our legal protection and respect. We pray that you give us this trust.