Why Me? (27 page)

Two pork chops and a corn on the cob

We want Bob

We want Bob

Harrison Ford has lost his job

Any idea what they're singing about, David? Where does Harrison Ford come into it? If he's lost his job then it's the first I've heard of it. It's not like he's done a Dave Lee Travis. Remember that one, David? When Dave Lee Travis resigned live on air and sawed off his own leg?
⁶⁴

Anyway I was pretty shaken up by how many people were out there, and a bit thrown by the whole Harrison Ford thing, so I went through to my back bathroom for a bath. When I got out I reached down to pick up my slippers and I heard all these screams. I turned round and took a quick snap –

My back was to the window so they must have seen the whole chemistry set when I bent over. I can't help feeling like I won this round but it's a hollow victory really, David, like the way Philip Schofield gets called the ‘thinking man's crumpet' and keeps winning these prizes meant for skirt.
⁶⁵

We need to end this once and for all, David. How?

Bob

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From: David Mahlangu

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Is it real?

Bob,

In fact this is just not seeming true now bob. All these people in your garden? That is a crowd from a sport game bob in the photo you have sent and that second one is not a real photo you think i will believe this?

Send the money now if you want me to respresent you and explain your position again because now it is different to what i thought and it is not seeming true to me. You must tell me different now bob your bill is already high so every way means you should send the $2500.

ADV DAVID MAHLANGU (Esq.)

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From: Bob Servant

To: David Mahlangu

Subject: The Final Insult

David,

Bit of a weird one. Frank came round and we had a chat. We talked about all the good times we've had. I pointed out everything I've done for him over the years and how I took him under my belt and showed him a life that he could never even have imagined. He said it sounded like Pretty Woman and I said that's fine for him to say that it was like Pretty Woman as long as he is very clear on the fact that it is like Pretty Woman without the sauce and he said that went without saying and I said actually I'd rather it didn't go without saying particularly if anyone else is around when he says it. He said that he was sorry and that I was still his boss after all and he should have treated me with more respect and I said he was also jealous of my success and he said well that's probably something we should put to one side and I said in fact it was probably more appropriate if we talked about it at length and he went a bit red and his eyes started twitching like they did that time before he
that
after that parrot said that his
looked like a
.
⁶⁶

Frank headed home so I settled down to a Meat Attack but then ten minutes later the doorbell went and there he was again. He said he wanted to show just how sorry he was and handed me a present of a large tub of margarine. I thanked him and said that if he wanted to go away and come back with a better present that would fine. He smiled and said ‘oh I think that will keep you busy for now'. I thought he was having one of his turns so told him to go to bed and went through to my kitchen.

The margarine tub felt quite heavy and I thought I could hear voices but that oftens happens when I've had a Meat Attack so I ignored it and decided to make myself a wee butty. I got out the rolls and opened the tub of margarine and, oh dear God, David. I attach a photo of what was in there. I near enough shat myself. Who wouldn't?

Bob

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From: David Mahlangu

To: Bob Servant

Subject: No more

Are you saying to me serious that these people were inside a box of margarine? Do you think you talk to a child? I hope you can provide a proper reason for this or you are in bigger trouble than you would know.

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56
MI5 possibly? Who knows? I'm afraid I couldn't bring myself to ask Bob about this one, fearing it would lead to some sort of metaphor about cupboards.

57
I did, however, ask Bob for clarification on this phrase, he said it is ‘street slang'. I hope that helps.

58
I imagine Bob is referring to an incident at the 1983 Labour Party conference in Blackpool. Neil Kinnock, the firebrand Labour leader, was walking along the town's beach in full view of the press pack when he lost his footing on the pebbles. Kinnock fell backwards and, in his romantic reluctance to let go of his wife's hand, took her down also. After a few seconds of clumsy squirming, the Kinnocks managed to clamber to their feet and energetically laugh off the mishap. Many commentators have suggested the incident helped lose Kinnock the following General Election, confirming the old adage that no-one wants a Prime Minister who can't walk along a beach without falling over and dragging his wife down with him. Needless to say, Bob's memory of Kinnock headbutting his wife at any stage of proceedings is entirely false.

59
This isn't Bob's house. In fact, it's the imposing Edinburgh retreat of the much-imitated Scottish writer Irvine ‘Big Irv' Welsh.
This photo copyright © Scottish Celebrity Homes Magazine Ltd
.

60
Sordid? Morbid?

61
Fort Knox, presumably. I'd like to think that Bob isn't childish enough for this to be a deliberate error.

62
I presume Bob refers to the late American President John F. Kennedy. Karl Kennedy is a fictional character in the Australian soap opera
Neighbours
and therefore had no impact over, or indeed reaction to, the 1962 Cuban Missile Crisis. Karl Kennedy has suffered great woes during nearly two decades on
Neighbours,
none more so than when his wife Susan (played with great composure by Jackie Woodburne) suffered the extremely rare affliction of retrograde amnesia and forgot her entire past. As can easily be imagined, this caused great strain on the Kennedys' marriage, which had already been tested to the limit by Karl's two extra-marital affairs: first his kissing of receptionist Sarah Beaumont and then his indulging in a torrid affair with
femme fatale
Isabelle ‘Issy' Hoyland. Recently, the Kennedys have been placed under further trauma when their adopted son Zeke also suffered retrograde amnesia. The chances of two family members suffering retrograde amnesia are so infinitesimal that the family, understandably, reacted with absolute dismay.

63
See
The Perth Advertiser
, 18 May 2011:
‘Opening Hours Extension Rejected'
. (‘Perth Town Council today rejected a motion that would have extended public house opening hours to 10 p.m. “This is not the Wild West,” said a council spokesman, “or some sort of rock and roll anything goes fiesta party place.”').

64
In 1993 the BBC Radio DJ Dave Lee Travis resigned during a live broadcast in protest at the creative direction of Radio 1. He did not saw off his leg in the process and remains fully limbed at the time of writing (August 2011).