Without care (21 page)

“What’s the
point?” I shrug.

She frowns at
me. “Jen, it’s been a whole month now and this behaviour has to
stop. It’s your senior year and you have four weeks left. It’s
about time you pulled your self together and stopped this now.”

I narrow my
eyes at her. “A man died!”

“I know” she
sighs, her eyes looking down at the floor. “You have someone
downstairs waiting for you. Get dressed and hurry up.” She walks
out of my room. I quickly get out of bed and sort myself out.

The whole time
I walk down the stairs my heart is racing and I just keep thinking
what if it’s Ayden. What if he’s come back for me? A smile is
plastered on my face and I imagine being reunited with him. I race
into the kitchen only to find Chase sitting at the kitchen table.
What is he doing here?

“Hi” he says as
I stand in the doorway. I just stare at him, wishing he would
change into Ayden. I miss looking into his dark eyes and feeling
something I have never experienced before.

Chase runs a
hand through his blonde hair and slowly stands up. “Your mother
called me and said you needed a friend.”

I place my
rucksack on the kitchen counter and pretend to get my things ready.
“I have friends” I mutter. I feel him come up behind me and place
his hand on my shoulder. I move quickly out of his reach. There
would have been a time I would of combusted on the spot from this.
How many times did I dream about him turning up at my house? That
was a long time ago… Now all I want is Ayden.

“Please” his
voice is almost a whisper. “I feel really bad.”

I spin round to
face him. “You feel bad? You have the perfect life, Chase. Mr
popular who gets what ever he wants. Top football player, all those
girls lusting over you. Please enlighten me how you feel bad?”

He places his
hands in his pockets and bows his head. “I feel bad because I
should have fought harder for you. I should have been there. I
would have talked you out of going to Seattle or even had gone with
you.”

“It’s too late,
isn’t it” I snap. “And besides, I dumped you. That was all before I
knew what Ayden was.” I pause and that pain hits me in the chest. I
try to breathe. I try really hard, but my lungs don’t feel like
they can work. My head goes dizzy and I feel my legs collapse
underneath me. Before I hit the floor, strong arms catch me.

“Jen,” I look
up and see Chase’s blue eyes staring down at me. “I don’t want to
fight with you. Let me be your friend, let me take care of you.” He
moves a stand of hair off my forehead.

“I’m not worthy
of your friendship” I say, moving out of his grip and sitting down
on the floor. That pain is back, but this time I can breathe. I
looked down at my hands. The tears are building up in my eyes. How
many more times am I going to cry?

“I killed a
man, Chase.” The words getting stuck in my throat. He needs to know
what a horrible person I am.

He moves closer
towards me and grabs hold of my hand. “You didn’t kill him. It
wasn’t your hand that held that gun.” His fingers rub over my
knuckles and it actually feels comforting. I can’t bring myself to
look at him. The tears are streaming down my cheeks and all I want
to do is crumple up into a little ball and disappear.

“He died doing
his job. He was there to protect you and he did. That guy is a hero
and would hate to think your blaming yourself. He knew the risks of
his job, so it wasn’t your fault.”

“And
Ayden?”

I feel him
tense up. “Ayden is a fool. I know you dumped me for him, so don’t
expect me to say anything nice about him.” he takes in a deep
breath and slowly lets it out. “I care for you, Jen. I always have
and now I’m going to be here for you. You won’t be able to get rid
of me again.”

He lets go of
my hand and cups my face. I am now forced to look at him and I want
to believe his words. I really do, I want to feel human again. With
the pad of his thumb he wipes away my falling tear.

“Will you let
me be your friend?” I don’t know what to say. “We need to get your
life back on track. We need to find Jen again.”

Find Jen again?
I’m not sure who she is anymore. Where would I begin? I should at
least try. I’m 18 and have so much time ahead of me. Ayden is
probably out living his life, after all I was simply a job and I
knew he would leave me once it was over. I replay Chase’s words in
my head. He’s right and I know he is right.

I lean over and
wrap my arms around his neck and cry into his chest. He embraces me
back and we sit in my kitchen hugging. It is time to move on and I
will with the help from Chase. I just don’t know how long it will
take.

***

I knew it was
going to be difficult and I’m getting there. I climb out of Chase’s
car and wait for him. Chase has been amazing and I never thought I
would be this happy. We’re not officially dating, but I am very
tempted. I do occasionally think of Ayden, but the thoughts are
getting fewer and fewer.

He grabs hold
of my hand and leads me towards the school building. “Prom this
weekend” he smiles down at me. I can’t help but smile back at him.
He is beautiful and for some reason cares about me. I know I’m not
in love with him, he doesn’t make my heart race and I don’t get
giddy around him. But he makes me happy. Life is finally worth
living.

“Yep,”

“Who you going
with?” He stops walking and spins me around to face him. His arms
wrap around my waist and he pulls me closer to him. I love it when
he does this. I feel protected and safe. His head leans down and he
kisses my cheek.

“I don’t know”
I say breathlessly. For some reason he hasn’t kissed me properly.
I’m not desperate to be kissed. I remember those great kisses we
shared once watching DVD’s.

“Oh please”
says a voice. I look over to see Becks standing there, her face
full of disgust and her arms folded across her chest. “We all know
she’s going with you, Chase.” She walks over and pulls me from
Chase’s embrace. “If you don’t mind, I need to talk to my friend
about prom dresses.”

She leads me
away. I can’t help but look over my shoulder and give Chase a
little wave. Something behind him catches my attention, a blue
truck. Ayden? I quickly dismiss the idea and turn back round.

“It seems you
and Chase are getting close.”

“I like him” I
shrug, trying not to give too much away. Becks smiles at me and
shakes her head. I’m really happy we made up. She confessed that
she was slightly jealous. She’d had a thing for Ayden and didn’t
like the fact he was always hanging around with me. Now she knows
why, she feels a little stupid. We were all fooled, but that was
the intention. Ayden wasn’t real. He was a character that was made
up to keep me protected.

“Are you going
to the dance with Chase?”

“You know I am”
I laugh as we head into the busy high school hall. Everywhere there
is banners about graduation, year books and prom. I feel slightly
sad that my high school experience is almost over. Relieved that I
will get an actual summer without moving around or looking after
Lacey.

Ted has changed
my mother and he finally got down on one knee and proposed. She has
gone wedding crazy and won’t shut up about it. Lacey is actually
calling Ted dad. I don’t mind, but she has forgotten about her true
father. He is currently in prison awaiting trail. He rings me and I
write to him. I am slowly running out of things to say and that
makes me sad.

I don’t hate
him anymore as I know he wasn’t behind all the threats and he
didn’t want to hurt us. Everyone has moved on and I actually like
living in Summerton now.

“Hey,” Ali says
as we stop by our lockers. “What are we talking about?”

“Prom” Becks
groans, as she begins to put books into her locker.

“Are you not
happy about Prom?”

“Not really”
Becks sighs. “Its just you have Chase and Ali is with Travis. I
think I’ll be going solo to the most important event of my
life.”

I link my arm
with Becks and lead her towards our first class. “Look to make you
feel better I’ll go with you.”

Becks looks
shocked at me. “You can’t, what about Chase?”

“He won’t mind”
I smile. “We can all go together. It will be fun. Besides, I think
Chase would be happy to have a girl on each arm.”

Becks stops and
looks at me. She doesn’t look very convinced. “He only wants you on
his arm, Jen. Have you not noticed the way he looks at you?”

“I know, but
we’re just friends.”

“Ayden isn’t
coming back” she mutters as she walks into class. I stand frozen on
the spot, was that some sort of jib at me. I know he’s not coming
back. He broke his promise to me and funnily enough I always knew
he would.

I storm after
her. “What’s that meant to mean?”

She sits down
and opens up her books. I take my chair next to her and wait for
her reply. “That it’s you holding back. Chase likes you and he
wants to be more than your friend. So me going to Prom with you
guys is stupid. He wants you, only you.”

“He’s my
friend” I protest.

“He wants to be
your boyfriend” her voice is stern. “So, forget about Ayden.”

I can’t say
anymore as our teacher enters the room. Am I holding back because
of Ayden? Could there be a slight chance that I haven’t totally got
over him. If so, why can everyone else see it and not me? Becks is
right... I need to give Chase the chance he wants. After all he has
helped me get through my depression.

After school I
wait beside Chase’s car. The second he sees me he practically runs
over. For the first time in forever I actually feel a true emotion.
His arms wrap round me and he lifts me in the air. I give a squeal
and wrap my arms around his neck. Then that’s when I see it again…
The truck is sat outside the school gate and someone is inside
watching me. I blink and when I look again it’s gone. Am I finally
going crazy?

Chase puts me
back on the ground and stares down at me concerned. “Are you okay?
You’ve gone really pale.”

“I’m fine,” I
lie. I quickly restore myself, but the moment is gone. I step out
of his arms and look down at the floor. “Actually I’m feeling a
little sick. Would you take me home?”

“Sure” he says,
I can tell he isn’t too pleased.

We drive to my
house in perfect silence. God, what is wrong with me? I see a blue
truck and I freak out. I know Ayden isn’t coming back. I really
need to forget about him and move on. I take in a deep breath and
slowly look over at Chase. Why can’t I feel like I did before? Look
at him, he’s smart, kind, beautiful and has really looked after me.
He stuck by his word, more than Ayden has done.

I do need to
give him a chance. Becks was right today with what she said. My
hand reaches over and I place it on his knee.

He pulls up
outside my house and places his hand on top of mine. “Everything
okay now?”

“Yes,” I smile.
“I don’t know what came over me and I am sorry if I hurt you.”

He turns his
whole body towards me. “Never be sorry. You’ve been through a lot
and I know you’re not completely over it.” He leans forward and
places his lips against my forehead. Once again… nothing; No
stomach flips, no increased heart beat. Is there something wrong
with me? He moves back and his blue eyes just watch me.

“I was thinking
about prom” I blurt out, trying to change the conversation. I look
out of the car window. “Do you want to go with me and Becks?”

“You and
Becks.” He laughs. “Why would I want to go with Becks?”

I roll my eyes
and turn back to look at him. “She hasn’t got a date and I really
don’t want her to go alone.” I pout a little. “Please, you will be
doing me a huge favour and my friend will be very happy.”

He tilts his
head to the side and thinks for a second. “Okay, but I only dance
with you.”

Happiness fills
me and I lean over crushing my body against his. “Thank you” I
sing. “You’re the best, Chase.” I actually mean the words, he is
the best. The greatest friend a girl could have.

I watch as
Chase pulls away from my house and drives down the road. I skip up
the porch and into my house. Everything seems to be perfect. I’m
going to prom and going to graduate. I have lovely friends and I
have finally settled in Summerton. My mother is happy and Lacey has
a bright future. A few months ago this didn’t even seem
possible.

I walk through
the hall and into the kitchen. I call out but no one seems to be
in. Home alone. I grab a glass of water and head up to my bedroom.
Even though school’s almost finished they are still piling on the
homework. I get to my room and step inside.

I freeze and
the glass of water slips out of my hand and smashing to the floor.
My jaw drops open and all I do is stare at my bed.

“Jen,” he
softly says, sitting looking straight at me with those dark eyes. I
rapidly blink, have I finally gone over the edge. He slowly stands
up and walks over to me. Still I can’t find any words to say. This
has to be some crazy mind game. There is no way this possibly real,
the times I have spent wishing he was here.