Without Knowing (When You Wake Book 1) (15 page)

Chayton: Caleb was supposed to be helping you, giving you all the answers, my gifts. And I DO NOT want to hear an apology from you. This…none of this is your fault.

Me: There have been many complications; many that have not been in Caleb’s control. I fear we have more trouble. Car…

Three knocks came at the door, tearing me away from Chayton. Time flew and the sun was coming up.

“Who’s there?”  I rushed to put everything in its place.

“It’s Caleb. May I come in?” He waited for my response.

“Yes.” I stood near my bed.

“Good morning.” He held tray of oatmeal and tea, a beautiful rose sat in a vase for decoration.

“Thank you.” He placed it on my bed.

“I wasn’t sure you’d be up.”

There was this thing they all kept doing since they found out I was pregnant. I don’t know if they realized they were doing it or not, but it was happening more and more.

Their eyes would drop to my stomach, and for a moment, they’d forget they were staring. Maybe they were thinking of the child and what was about to come or maybe they were thinking about how it came to be. Whatever their thoughts, their hearts ached for me.

Caleb stared at my belly as I enjoyed the meal he brought up for me. It was easier to eat when I knew I had to. I couldn’t use it as a weapon against myself. Doing so wouldn’t just make me suffer.

“We need to talk about the baby,” he finally said.

“And my new gift,” I spoke over my full mouth.

“It’s started already.” He sighed.

“It has, the question is, how do you know about it?” I took a sip of my apple tea, my new favorite drink, one I would always be grateful to Joss for introducing to me.

“As your Bulwark, I know everything about you.”

“My what?”

It was my fault. I was asking for answers and now everyone was just making things up. Yes, this was just how I was going to be taught my lesson.

“Bulwark, or at least I was supposed to be. I don’t have all my abilities, which makes me a poor excuse for one.”

“You lost me.” He was being sincere, but what he was saying made little sense to me.

“I’m your chosen protector, but given that I failed the test my kind is given, I lost that privilege and most of the gifts to do so properly.”

“Fascinating.” I continued to eat.

“You don’t believe me?” His head cocked to the side.

“Why are you so loosey goosey all of a sudden?” I did believe him. It was the first thing I believed whole-heartily and it sounded like he was listing off groceries.

“It doesn’t matter.”

“It does.” It didn’t.

“It doesn’t and neither does your belief in me. Now have you had an ultrasound?”

“I’m glad what I think matters so little to you. And no, we planned one for next week.”

“All I’m saying is after everything that’s happened I know I have to earn your trust back, but what I want doesn’t matter right now.” And yet I cared about what he wanted. “You’re six weeks, why not now?”

“I’d like to wrap my head around the whole being pregnant thing by a psycho first before that trip down the rabbit hole.”

“We should get one today.” We? I was more worried about the possibility that Chayton was still waiting on me to continue our conversation. An ultrasound was the last thing I wanted to do today, especially if
we
were getting one.

“Was there another reason you came in here?” I asked.

“No.” He looked like he wanted to say something else.

“You’re still hiding things from me.”

“Yes,” he said bluntly. More honesty, I needed to take a mental picture.

“And you wonder why I can’t believe you.” I handed him the tray, but I kept the flower and vase, placing it along the ledge of the window.

“If not for me, for that baby.” He pointed to my stomach, as if I needed a reminder it was in there. “You need the ultrasound. You are a Vatic and he or she is gifted.” I really did hate the name Vatic.

“Should I be worried it will have horns and a tail.” I was curious. Did I have horns and a tail?

“No, but you’ve had a lot of stress. Just check the vitals, the heartbeat. Make sure things are normal.”

He’s right, little one.
“I’ll set things up with Mitchell.”

“I’ve already got him prepping for the ultrasound.” Caleb smiled. As he left the room, he felt mighty high of himself.

I couldn’t help but smile. Even though it was not what I had in mind today, I was a little excited. I showered, dressed, and met Mitchell in the Clinic. The men were hanging out in the hall as I rounded the corner.

“Just hanging out in the halls today?” I asked a little curious and more nervous knowing they’d be outside.

“Yep, just chilling out,” Coat said. I couldn’t help but laugh. He must have been practicing that phrase for some time.

“Do you mind if we wait for you out here?” Jake asked causing the guys to grumble behind him.

“I don’t mind at all. Thank you for asking.” I slid my hand down his arm. He was just as nervous as I was.

I walked into the clinic to find Caleb pacing near the back offices, and Caroline and Mitchell talking near the ultrasound machine.

“A party.” I shut the door behind me.

“Eva, I wanted to be here for support.” Caroline walked to me, her hands on mine like a magnet. She really was gifted in the art of being fake.

“I appreciate that, but I’m okay. You can wait with the others.” I smiled.

It was enough to make me go batty. I didn’t need anyone in the room that was going to make me go crazier at warp speed.

“I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to be in here alone.” Caroline looked at Mitchell.

“I won’t be alone.”

“Caroline, she would prefer to do this without your help. Thank you but please go,” Caleb spoke, finally pulling himself together.

“You too, Caleb.” I said realizing he planned on staying.

“No, I am staying.”

“No, you are leaving. As I said, I’m good without either of you holding my hand.”

“This isn’t up for debate.” His face angered slightly.

“You’re right, it’s not. If I were going to have anyone in here, it’d be one of the five men out there who have been with me through my mess during the last six weeks. Neither of you get to be here for this.”

“Eva…” Caleb reached for me.

“Please have enough respect to know this is hard enough without you two making it about yourselves.” Jake stood at the door. “Ms. Eva has requested that you both stand out here with us. She has asked more than once. Do not make us step in.” He was young but more understanding than most. I was grateful for him.

“Thank you, Jake.” He escorted both Caleb and Caroline from the room.

As the door latched shut, I found my composure beginning to fail me. Mitchell became my legs as I lost strength in them, and settled me on the table.

“I know this was not the plan, but we’ve got this. We can take as long as you need. Your guys are prepared to wait.” He pulled my focus into his eyes. He looked strong, but he was breaking on inside. I loved that he tried.

“Let’s get started.” I smiled.

I removed my jeans and underwear and Mitchell placed a sheet over my lower half so I wasn’t so exposed.

“This will be uncomfortable and I’m sorry.” Mitchell continued with the ultrasound.

I held my breath.

I counted to five.

I waited.

My ears popped.

I shivered.

I flinched.

A flickering light appeared.

Not the overhead light I used to count on to pass time.

The light in the closet flickered out of sync.

A sound came.

I released the baking breath in my lungs.

The sound whooshed and then became a rhythmic song.

It was the sound of the heartbeat.

The sound of the heartbeat pulled me from reliving the nightmare of my attack, or passing out. Mitchell repeatedly asked me if I was okay, but I grew distracted by the muffled sound of its heartbeat.

The lima bean hid from me. I couldn’t make sense of what I was seeing, growing impatient with my discomfort. Mitchell saved me from myself by pointing to where everything was, and explaining the things I needed to know. What he was taking pictures of, what ranges the baby should be at and what they actually were in comparison. The old wives tales of what it all meant in terms of the sex of the baby and how true it really was.

“Everything looks great, Ms. Eva. You can get cleaned up and dressed now.” Mitchell gave me some privacy.

“So, he’s okay?”

“Perfectly healthy.” He continued writing in my chart knowing that these days it was a chore to get dressed.

“I want to find out what kind of foods I should be eating and exercises I should be doing. I should probably be on some sort of vitamins.” I fumbled with my jeans. “I’m sure there are a ton of things I need to have ready before the baby comes. I’ll need to make a list of things the baby will need. I’ve never changed a diaper, so there’s that, and…” My hands shook as I snapped my jeans.

“Eva.” Mitchell smiled. “We will get started on all of that, soon. Let’s just do one thing at a time. I’ll get the vitamins ordered for you and a list of foods to the kitchen. We will start there.” He wrote on a note pad.

“I just want to do everything right.” I rubbed my stomach.

“And you’re already on the right track. Don’t overwhelm yourself. No sense in stressing.” His face changed. “Please don’t stress yourself,” he was stern.

“Right, don’t stress. Easy stuff.” I smiled, trying to take a few extra breaths hoping for some relief of the heaviness in my chest. “Mitchell?”

“What is it?”

I didn’t want to leave just yet. As life altering as the sound of the baby’s heartbeat was, the brief blimp of the screen hardly removed weeks of the emotional tennis game playing in my chest.

“Could I see the video again?”

“Of course.” Mitchell smiled brightly.

Chapter 15

Innocence

Hours had passed. It wasn’t until Mitchell brought in lunch that I realized how much time had passed. I found an escape in the video of the ultrasound, an escape I didn’t want to leave.

The video was set to repeat, sound turned up, replaying the slight movements that I couldn’t physically feel. I raised my hand to the screen and held my stomach as if the little lima bean growing inside of me needed to know I was making the connection.

There was a sense of instability beyond the safety net of the clinic, but I knew they waited long enough. I stopped at the door before reaching for the knob; I could already feel the nerves. My guys were on their feet before I had the door opened. Caleb and Caroline were slow to respond to my appearance in the doorway.

I allowed everyone a chance to see the stills, even Caleb and Caroline. They all waited so patiently for me to come out, at least, I choose to believe they had. Jake was first in line.

“I don’t see it,” he blurted out. He cut the very tight rubber band constricting all of us in the room. The added bonus was how close he held the picture to his eyes; I swear his eyelashes were touching the photograph.

Mitchell made himself available to explain the measurements, rates, and to point out the obvious. Well, it was obvious to me now, but I’m glad I wasn’t the only one that needed help.

There was an odd wave of hurt coming off of the six soldiers during the time with the pictures. I couldn’t pinpoint it to an individual, nor could I make much sense of it. They were supportive, and a little sad. We all had that feeling of how the little guy was made and for those few hours, I didn’t think about the hows or the whys.

Caroline took her turn, needing no supervision or explanation. Her pale face was hard to read, and the whirling chest pain fuming from her only told me she was upset but not the reasons.

My knees buckled when Caleb stepped next to her. He avoided touching the pictures altogether, his hands tucked in his pockets. I couldn’t tell if his jaw tightened at the proximity to Caroline or… the obvious.

Through dinner, I stayed in the clinic, still watching the video. They understood I couldn’t tear myself away. I appreciated the random check-ins; dinner, snacks, drinks, and a word or two to make sure I was alive.

“Thank you, Jake.” I managed a glance at the tray of cucumbers, tomatoes, celery, and the other green stuff I normally avoided. Thankfully, there was less of the other stuff.

“You’re welcome, Ms. Eva.” He walked to the door but did not leave.

“Is there something else?” I turned to face him as he turned to face me.

“I need to be honest with you, Ma’am.”

“You know you can.” My hands rested on my knees.

“As horrible as this all has been for you, and I’m not trying to imagine it nor could I…” He shook his head; his sigh stretched his jitters. “I’m glad you decided to keep the baby.”

“Me too.” I smiled.

“If I could?” His face fell.

“Please.”

“Mr. Leon’s right about the danger back home. I love my people. I love our faith. I love our home,” his voice nearly begged me to understand these facts as he moved closer to me. “But you can’t ever go back there,” his voice was low, tears forming in his eyes.

My breath was noticeably shaky.

“I don’t want to worry you anymore than you already are, but I never trusted…”

“I understand.” I grabbed his hands. If he said the words, it would break him.

“Ms. Eva…” Guilt was plastered on his face.

“Our secret.” I pulled Jake into my arms. It was the first time I’d ever comforted anyone, but I wasn’t sure who was comforting who.

“Figuring things out?” He pulled away from me, wiping his nose with the back of his hand.

“I think so.”

“Well, if you need anything else, Uncle Jake will be back around.” His smile was endless.
Uncle Jake. Did you hear that?

He was loyal to a fault, but I couldn’t allow him to live with the guilt if he said too much. He said what he needed to say. I couldn’t break good-hearted Jake.

Jake left me to my thoughts. I needed to drown myself in the possibilities, the good possibilities, the future, my future… far, far away from the Colony.

The plans. My plans.

I had a world of things I wanted to do with my little one, and if I were making a list, I wouldn’t make him study to be a doctor if that’s not what he wanted. He could be a basketball player or a soldier like Mitchell or Uncle Jake. I’d worry myself sick, but if it’s what he wanted I’d be okay with it.

I’d be an awesome mom - a huge pushover. I caught myself laughing out loud, at the thought of actually planning to be a pushover.

Then reality set in.

I’d be a mom - a single mom.
Chayton.

I wondered if Chayton would be a father to him. Would he accept him as his own? Would he teach him all the things he learned as a child? Would he allow him to call him Daddy?

I felt sick.

Could I ask him to take responsibility for another man’s child, a man that so violently destroyed the woman he was to marry?

…Was I destroyed?

Would he still want to marry me?

Could this, what I feel for Chayton, be real?

Could he still love me after this?

I stood from my chair and exited the clinic. I needed some air. The halls were empty and dark with that eerie feel, abandoned almost. It was after midnight as I passed my bedroom unsure what I was doing. I continued until I was at a dead end.

The intensity coming from the room labeled
Gift Room
cut me at the shins, sending me to my knees. The room was still emotionally fueled,
how could anything be left?

My forehead leaned against the door; tears trickled down my knees soaking the carpet. I was fighting the tug to this room. I couldn't bring myself to open the door. I knew of the room’s torture before. My erratic self on the other side of that door with pieces of a fake fear burned in my ears.

But even in pieces, there was a charge. I could still feel raw emotion swimming on the other side of the door
.
There was still hope on the other side. I could still find a little of me again, for his sake. My arms reached up to support my belly, hardly a comfort knowing what happened.

I reached for the black doorknob and stood quickly only to fall back to my knees. Tingles crowded at the base of my neck, a sharp shot of thorns coursed down to my tailbone. I expected the symptoms to worsen, from tingles to static, static to electricity, and then a Pull. I held on not knowing if a Pull would harm my little one.

A rush of mixed feelings created nausea in my throat as hands against my skin sent my body thrashing. The blue door faded in front of me. The emotions of hate, fear, and love swirled around me. The tilt-a-whirl vortex clouded my vision.

The sound of thunder woke me to the danger I was in. As the fog lightened, Seth's crooked smile greeted me. My crablike movements away from him were slower than anticipated. I managed to my feet, moving backwards, still unable to see. I tripped landing on my back.

I didn’t pause.

I struggled over the obstacle slipping in a puddle. I shook my head to clear my vision and an involuntary scream whaled from my mouth. His eyes were still. Blood poured from his throat, the blood I was now covered in.

“Jake!” His hands wrapped around my mouth, pulling me away from Jake’s body lying lifeless in the hall.

Another body lay near Jake’s, but my flailing arms couldn’t break away from Seth to be at their side. His hands were firmly wrapped around my neck, my back curved over a railing. His grip loosened around my mouth.

“JAKE!” I screamed again, his hand slapped against my face. The sting silenced me, allowing him to sniff my hair. I cringed as he smiled against my neck.

I begged for this to be a Pull, but I was in control, he was in control. I looked for a distraction...a weapon. I couldn't place where I was but on a balcony I couldn’t remember. The smell of the waves against the rocks further angered my nausea.

Seth lingered at my neck. I waited for his teeth to sink in and suck out the rest of whatever was left of me through the puncture wounds as he did with Jake.
Uncle Jake…

"Mmm, how sweet." Chills forced themselves down my spine.

"Seth, please," I choked only now realizing how far I could fall.

"More? You want more?"

"I'm going to fall." My spine stretched over the railing, my fear overshadowing his emotions.

"It really is quite simple, Eva. You stop pretending you don't love me and you won't fall." His nose flared.

"Please don't do this," I begged. My spine pulled awkwardly, digging into the railing. I waited to hear a snap.

For the first time since waking up with Caleb in the bathroom, I was able to breathe around another person. The emotions of others usually strangled me. It wasn’t their fault.

Seth’s emotions didn’t strangle me. His frightened me.

"You're pregnant and that's mine in there, isn't it?" His hand caressed my stomach.

"Who says it's yours?" I held my breath in between words.

"It's not Caleb's." He wasn’t asking.

"Who says it's not?" I smiled.

"Why are you playing games with me?" His eyes darkened. “Tell me it’s mine.”

"Why did you have to come back?" I ignored his request.

"To take my family home," he said with assurance, assuring only himself as he pulled out of one of my ultrasound pictures.

"We are not your family." His hand tightened around my neck pushing me further over the railing.

"You have my child growing inside of you." He rubbed the picture across my belly.

"Even if this was yours, threatening the mother of your child wouldn't be the best way to win either of them over." A gust of wind pulled me onto my tippy toes, straining the unhealed injuries. I struggled against Seth, my hands slipping against the blood.

"No threat here, Eva. I just want to hear the words. Just tell me you love me.”

"You want to hear them, even if they aren't true?" I yanked at his shirt praying for my little one, praying for the miracle that Jake and the other person were still alive.

"Who says you don’t love me? You are keeping our baby, aren't you?" I couldn't feel the balcony floor under my feet.

“Don’t let me go!” I begged.

“Say it!” he growled.

"I love you." I whispered. Tears burst from my eyes as the sharp pain surged just below my stomach.

Seth pulled me into his arms, saving me from another fall. I wasn't sure which was safer. "That's my girl!" He held me, the smell of him caught in my throat as the pain became unbearable.

"Something is wrong…" I whimpered. The involuntary gasps for air went unnoticed.

I made plans. I have plans.

"Now, now, Eva. Everything will be okay. You'll learn to make this work." He rocked me in his arms as he had in the closet. His solid and strong demeanor disappeared as his arms shook around me.

"No, I mean the baby." I lost all sensation in my legs, bringing me to my knees.

"No, no…" We both stared at the blood, the blood that was now mine. His eyes darted around in a panic. We clasped our hands around my belly. The heat between our hands made me feel…different.

"I need help," I begged, snapping him out of his trance. I hated him.
No…
especially in this moment when he cared…
just look at what he's done
.
Jake.

"I didn't mean to hurt…" his voice was weak, scared.

"Get the hell away from her!" Caleb wasted no time pulling Seth into his fists.

"Caleb…" Seth muttered.

"THOMAS!"

"Eva…" Seth yelped.

Seth was strong, and in that moment, I saw a different man. He didn’t just witness my pain. Seeing the agony on his face, he felt what I felt. My strength was dissipating, the aching intensified, sharpening and easing, repeating...

"You will never touch her..."

Seth lay on the ground in the hall moaning my name, moaning his regrets. I couldn’t cope in silence.

"CALEB!" the piercing scream escaped me. “AHHHH!”

Caleb's face dropped, his eyes found the puddle of blood dripping through the cracks of the balcony. My eyelids drooped. My eyes crossed. I could only see a cloudiness overcome me.

“She’s losing it!”

“She can’t…”

“JAKE!”

“Something is wrong…She’s hemorrhaging…”

“We’re going to lose her.”

“Save her. Do whatever you have to!”

“The baby…”

“Seth’s gone.”

“FUCK?!”

“She’s going to be okay.”

“What the hell happened?”

I prayed that it was a memory I didn’t really have…but I remembered everything. I remembered the things they didn’t think I’d remember. In my bag of very scarce memories, I had things like my parents and a school project, now I had the memory of…