Without Knowing (When You Wake Book 1) (14 page)

The room went stale and then a heaviness loomed as each face snapped in Caleb’s direction.

“Does it need to be said?” Mitchell was usually a very calm person, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he slugged Caleb before Joss.

Mitchell was 11 years older than I was. He has seen his share of brutality in the military, but he was gentle, calm, and kind. He has seen me at my lowest and every time the tough conversation came up, I felt the tug in his heart and anger pool in his limbs. He took Caleb’s comment personally.

“You don’t say anything about something as serious as…,” Caleb paused. “And now she’s pregnant.”

“No one else needs a play-by-play because no one else questions me as much as you do, you son of a bitch.” I took deep breaths, trying to control the mixture of my emotions and Mitchell’s.

“To be fair, Mr. Leon hasn’t known any of us for very long. And he is outnumbered here.” Coat was a reasonable man. He was the oldest, but sometimes I think he missed the bigger picture.

“It is Seth’s. Would you like to know the particulars? Wait, the finer points?” I smiled coldly.

“I didn’t ask for them.” I was on my feet, moving closer to him.

“You look at me and you know that it’s Seth’s. You know what happened because I see what it does to you and you still ask……” The tears silently streaming down his face stopped me in my tracks. And it all made sense. He wanted it not to be Seth’s.

“Well, he had plans to take her home,” Jake said, changing the discussion.

“Over my dead body,” Caleb’s anger was getting the best of him as we all ignored the tears he was wiping from his face.

“Now you care.” Pint rolled his eyes.

“We can’t go back now,” Mitchell said with regret.

“It’s not safe here either,” Joss pointed out.

There was silence again. And the slow fade of overwhelming feelings relieved me.

“Who knows I’m here?” I asked trying to create a plan.

“Us, Seth, Caroline.”

“And Chayton,” Caleb added, my stomach flipped at his name. “But I haven’t been able to make contact since I told him of your memory loss.”

“You understand we have a total of two people who created this mess,” Joss admitted.

“Well, it’s obvious who’s done the most damage,” Jake referenced Seth.

“He only knew I was here because…”

“It can’t be…” Caleb shook his head; his fist met the brick wall.

“Caroline was here before you found me, she actually found you, didn’t she? How did she come to stay here?”

“How did you…right, Pulls.” He threw his arms up in air. I noticed Jake and Pint were carefully placed between us.

“She left the Colony early last year to bring more followers to the cause. We were told she found a good job that would lead to our expansion,” Pint informed us.

We sat in my room silently realizing Caleb had not been made aware of Caroline’s reasons for being in his home until this moment. She happened on me, but I didn’t know what else to make of it all. I felt bad for Caleb.

We were all drained by the information and hadn’t even scratched the surface. We were still sitting in silence when another knock came at my door.

“Eva?” Caroline tried the knob again.

“Yeah, Caroline?”

“I’m sorry, Honey. But I really would like to talk now if you don’t mind.”

It was now or she would be back. Her referring to me as ‘honey’ only made me want to get this over with faster.

“Give me a few minutes and I’ll be down.”

The realization that their whole world was being pulled apart left me full of dread.

“I don’t think you should go out there alone,” Joss was paranoid. He seemed to be the paranoid one of the bunch generally.

“She’s still one of us,” Jake stated the obvious.

“Right now, we don’t know that,” Caleb reminded them that she’s been working with him for almost a year before Eva arrived.

“Whatever we spoke of here still has a lot of open holes,” Pint said.

“Let’s not act like we’ve been in a room together for hours.” I walked out of the room carefully shutting the door behind me.

I wasn’t sure which was worst, leaving Caleb in the room with my six protectors or meeting with Caroline, alone? It was easy to assume the ones not in the room to justify their actions were the guilty parties.

We weren’t friends though and even after her reaction at breakfast, she was still the bane of my existence and nothing would change my mind. I walked through the halls and Caroline’s head popped out from the back office. I left my mask on until I was seated at the conference table.

“I’m sorry to take you from your nap, but I wanted to talk.” She was fiddling with her fingers.

“I see that, and what can I do for you?”

“Not for me but it’s what I can do for you. I know you’ve had Mitchell tending to your injuries, but I thought maybe you’d feel better with a female doctor for your baby.”

“I appreciate the offer, but Mitchell is experienced and comfortable with continuing as my doctor, but thank you.” I stood up expecting the conversation to be over.

“I’m sorry, but wouldn’t you feel more comfortable with a female doctor for those needs.” She was now standing between the door and me.

“It doesn’t matter either way.”

“But after what happened with Seth, I’m sure I’d be a better fit,” she insisted with a sweet smile.

“Caroline, I’m glad you’ve taken interest in what I would be more comfortable with as you never have before, but Mitchell is doing a great job. I’m okay sticking with him. Keeps me out of your hair anyway.” I tested the water.

“I understand we’ve been on rocky terms for some time, but I think you need a female companion during this very emotional time.”

“I’ve been dealing with this for six weeks and you haven’t said anything about my attack in those six weeks. In fact, you chose Seth’s side. I have my support, but thank you again for your concern.” My hand was on the handle of the glass door.

The entire office was surrounded in glass and completely transparent. I found irony in the room’s remodel.

“Stop!” she shouted unnecessarily.

“Caroline, no. I have a doctor.” I studied the feelings oozing from her. She was in a panic mode. I always assume the dear doctor was cool and calm all day long.

“You can’t trust them or Caleb. He and those men he’s hired to be your guards are the reason you’re being forced to bare this.” She pointed to my stomach. She actually had tears in her eyes.

“You brought Seth here.” I could see my reflection. “You played nice. You were besties.”

“I was told to call a number and alert them of Caleb’s plan, but I didn’t know this was their plan.”

Was it confessions day or did I have gullible written on my forward? The realization that their game went too far? Case of the guilty conscience?

“Your treatment of me?” I dropped my uninjured hand from the silver handled.

“I was given the instructions to push your buttons because our only understanding of your Pulls were that they were triggered by your emotions. The more we picked at each other, the bigger the chances.”

“And the place I was before here? The reason I’m here?” Final test.

“All I know is Caleb brought you here to better control your gifts.”

“Gifts?”

Her voice was shaking, “Now that you’re pregnant, you’ve got access to your child’s gift.”
Hello, left field.

I flipped around unsure I could sort my anger and her panic while keeping everything straight.

“My child’s gift?”
This was the plan all along?

“I wasn’t told the specifics other than if…Caleb could get you into bed……”

“We’d be tied together and I’d be pregnant.”

As much as I wanted to assume she was playing me, what she said made sense, and I hated that. What a hell of a performance someone was giving me today. I didn’t know this gift enough to weed through the feelings of others, so I could only use my gut because it was right about Seth.

I wanted to believe Caroline was holding the strings and playing me like a fiddle. I wanted to believe those people upstairs were actually my friends. I wanted to believe I didn’t destroy everything in that room, everything that Chayton sent to me.

“I need you to believe me.” Caroline’s hands were on mine. My heart quickened its pace.

“Why does he need me?”

“Something about redemption, fixing something he’s done to get something back.” Caroline’s face fell more.

“You can’t be…”

“There you two are,” Caleb walked in chipper. “What are we doing?”

“Just thought I’d show Eva the new office, now that it’s done.” The calmness she easily reverted to wouldn’t go unnoticed. She was good; I would give her that.

“Amazing view; No one will ever get any work done in here.” I smiled.

“If you two are done in here maybe we could sit down for some lunch.”

I didn’t realize so much time had passed. I was hungry, but I wasn’t sure if I could handle what I was feeling between the two of them. They were a ball of sexual tension and I was a ball of mess.

“The guards are due to leave here soon,” Caroline reminded him.

“I’ve decided that given Eva’s new circumstances, we will need them to stick around. They’ve been informed.” He smiled at her, but he was now looking through her.
Subtle.

“I see.” She wasn’t surprised.

“So, lunch?” Caleb asked again.

“Sure,” I agreed reluctantly.

Chapter 14

His Gift

Lunch was awkward, proper, and slow. We avoided unpleasant talk, nearly avoided talking to each other all together. I headed back upstairs noticing how quickly the projects in the house were finishing. In my room, my guards were waiting, still discussing the news from earlier.

“Caroline?” Joss asked.

“I don’t know if she was just trying to help or make things more confusing for me.” I sat down.

“What did she want?” Thomas asked.

He took over as the leader, but rarely enforced command over the others unless he needed to. He wasn’t the oldest nor did he have the most military training, but he could command a room without a word.

“To take over as my doctor given that I am now pregnant.”

It didn’t take long to register why she would offer or why it would make sense that I would want to work with a female doctor during my pregnancy.

“We need to discuss what Caleb said about Chayton,” Coat said. Sometimes it was a game when trying to understand him. His accent was a thick.

“If he did help you get out of the Colony then we can’t let you go back there,” Pint said reluctantly.

“Would there be a reason I would be safer there?”

They all looked at each other as if thinking the same thing. They mind melded and it was enough to make me wonder if Caleb was right.

“We love our home, Ms. Eva,” Pint wasn’t finished.

“But?” I added when the silence lingered.

“Some of us wondered if maybe,” Joss continued.

“We thought they were starting to use your gift more than trust in the faith,” Jake spilled the beans.

“Jake, easy.” Thomas was stern.

“No, let him.”

“It’s just instead of allowing you to come to a Pull on your own, it became habit that they were forced,” Jake said slowly.

“We didn’t know the details until after you were gone,” Thomas added looking down. He knew he needed to participate. Reassurance that they were doing the right thing was important.

“Of course not.” Guilt festered in each of my men. It was a distraction.

That night was filled with hours of dreams that only added to my cluttered head. I hardly slept with as much as I had to think about. On one hand, I could stay here where someone was still lying to me or I could go back to the Colony where I didn’t know what happened, why I wasn’t there, or if I was in any real danger.

I pulled my quilt from the chest under the large window and paused. I wouldn’t be disturbed at this hour. Caleb knew about the quilt. He hid it in my room, after all. I just hadn’t told anyone that it brought on a memory, a lingering loving memory, that gave me a deeper connection to Chayton.

“When we get married, do you think we’ll be able to leave the Colony?” I asked.

“I would love to think so and I hope I can make that happen for you sooner rather than later.” Chayton faced me.

I took extra care with his features. From the picture under Caleb’s bed to this superior being in front of me, he was a lady-killer. And he was mine.

“They’ll want us to have a family soon after the wedding.” I traced the patterns on the quilt with my fingers.

“We have a home waiting for us. You know as well as I do the Colony won’t stand in the way of that.” His hands squeezed around mine. His touch made this more real, his words more believable.

“My last Pull has given us a little family someday.” I rubbed my belly, smiles across both of our faces. Was the child I witnessed in that Pull, Chayton’s? Or was he at my side as I carried another man’s child? Was this the beginning of our little family? Or did this just destroy that possibility?

“See, we will have all the happiness in the world. He can’t stop us. Our children will be safe.” His hand clasped over mine. Safe was a seductive word. It shouldn’t have been, but that promise was what I wanted right now.

“We have a ways before we see our happy ending.”

“I always hated it when the books say The END. Endings are merely written for that story. Lives continue after the last page, after the credits roll. And we my dear, have only just begun.” He kissed me gently, cradling my face in his hands. Our lips met, the air shifting, freezing us in the moment, just us.

“Let’s stay here forever.” I curled up in his arms. I could stay here forever, right here.

“That’s a plan.”

“Do you think things will ever get easier for us?” I asked, staring up at his face. As long as I’ve drugged myself with the quilt and the memory of this day, this time was different. I looked at his face and could see someone else. It was Chayton, but it wasn’t Chayton.

“You tell me, you’re the Vatic.”

“I hate that name.” I retraced the patterns. The name did cause me great discomfort. Knowing who I was relieved me, but the more I’m referred to as such, it draws a dark gray cloud over my head.

“I’m sorry.” He brushed my cheek.

“You didn’t give it to me.” I thought about the name a little longer. Who had given me the name? I can’t imagine that I was open about what I could do, and if I hated the name, whoever gave me the name must not have been my favorite person.

“But I know better than to use it.”

“Do you think I’ll be one forever?” I looked away from the quilt.

“Forever is a long time. It’s a long time for us, anyway.” The beauty in his ocean eyes were painted to perfection. The mixture of green and blue weakened my knees.

“I don’t think that it’s fair I be burden with them.” But I had Pulls for a reason. The bigger picture, I suppose.

“I don’t either.”

“But if not me, another.”

“Who says if not you, another? Why does any burden have to pick anyone? I don’t know if it’s selfish or selfless to believe you are taking on a burden over someone else. I love you, but you aren’t the only one who’s affected by them,” his sadness showed in his voice and on his face. It was a familiar thing I did to the men in my life. Caleb wore that face often; his voice carried that tune almost permanently.

“You’re right.”

“I’m not, but thank you for letting me believe so. I’m just exhausted……and it’s nothing compared to yours…”

“Stop. What have we said about that?”

“Share in the struggle, each struggle is just as important.” His eyes stared into mine. “Oh, Eva, my Viva.” Those eyes sang a swoon song.

“I don’t like thinking you’re taking everything on yourself.”

“I can’t do anything else.”

“You can love me.” I smiled, wrapping my arms around Chayton.

“I do that already.” His lips kissed the top of my nose.

“Well, then. I think you’ve done far more than most men.” I pushed him onto his back, straddling him.

“I have been working awfully hard.” He lay with his hands behind his head.

I lifted his shirt and kissed his ridged hard stomach gently. “If I didn’t know better, I’d say you were training again.” I continued to kiss him along the seam of his pants and along the outline of each ab.

“Just doing enough to stay in shape.”

“Magena?” I stopped my seductively playful kisses.

“She’s been teaching me.” And who was she?

“I know.”

“Of course you do.” He rolled his eyes at me.

“When are you going to learn, I know more than you do?” I giggled.

“I wasn’t hiding it from you.” He shook his head.

“I know, I just worry you’re taking chances.” I pulled his shirt down and climbed off. My head rested on his uncushioned stomach.

“I told you I would do whatever I could to get you out of here sooner.” He combed my hair with his fingers.

I followed the branches of the tree from the trunk out to the tips and back again. The leaves were a bright green, brighter by the golden wheat fencing in our apple tree. The serenity of this place reminded me of the goddess gazebo, everything could just fall against the barriers of its beauty, leaving us unscathed.

“If a Pull tells me you’re in danger I’m cutting you off, buddy.” I poked him in the pit of his underarm.

“Oh yeah.” He whipped around me pinning me to the ground. His fingers ventured around my stomach, jabbing me and moving around my ribs, tickling me.

I escaped his torturous hands and fled into the wheat fields only to be tickled on the palms of my hands by the sticks of wheat. His arms wrapped around me, pulling me into him.

“My Viva.”

“My Razon.”

We lingered in each other’s arms. “You are exquisite,” his whispered leaning his forehead against mine.

“Let’s runaway today.” My lips curled upward.

As I came back from my alluring memory of apple trees and wheat fields, talks of children and laughter, a happier future and Chayton; I knew I had more time before anyone would come to check on me.

I felt for the small hidden slit in the chest and pulled the picture, pen and notepad from its compartment. I sat crossed legged with the picture in my hand day dreaming of the people in the picture. They seemed happier in the picture. They were in a world much different than we lived in right now.

I wished for Chayton to be here, to have all the answers, but I didn’t deserve his help. I smashed his help. I grabbed the pen and pad I’d taken from the kitchen and began writing.

My Dearest Chayton,

I don’t know if I’ll ever get to meet you again. I don’t know that I’ll ever remember all of you, but know I still love you. I wish you were here to tell me everything I need to know and take me away from all of this. I don’t know your plan, but I hope this wasn’t what you had in mind. I’m pregnant and it was by one of our own. I don’t know if Seth was the reason we wanted to leave, but he’s the reason I’m afraid to return. I just wish I knew what to do. I’m afraid I’m losing it.

I wiped my tears with the quilt. This poor thing needed a good scrub. It had become my handkerchief most nights since the attack. It’s been through many hand washings over the weeks. I glimpsed at the start of my letter, imagining he would never see my desperation for him or know that I’ve been tainted by darkness.

Eva?

              The handwriting was different as my name appeared on the pad just below the start of my letter. This would be the moment, above any other, that would prove I was in a straitjacket, or at least I needed to be in one. I was in a mental institution or I was dead. Either way, I was seeing words scribbling out of nowhere.

             
Eva, it’s Chayton. Finally!

I couldn’t be
seeing random words appear in front of me. This just couldn’t be possible. Though, I shouldn’t be able to bring on memories by rubbing up on quilts. I shouldn’t have the ability to be pulled into vicious cycles of my moments as well as others, feeling everything, seeing everything. I shouldn’t be able to feel the feelings of others, but look where we are.

Me: Excuse me, you’re writing to me from where?

Chayton: The Colony. More importantly, you’re pregnant?

Me: Long story, one I’d prefer not to explain to my imaginary friend.

Chayton: My Eva, why  have you waited so long to contact me?

Me: Is it really you? Please tell me it’s you. I need it to be you.

Chayton: Of course, it’s me. How many people do you know that can write to you like this?

Me: I didn’t know you could.

Chayton: Your memories still have not returned to you?

Me: No.

Chayton: My gifts didn’t help?

Me: You did send them?

Chayton: I left instructions with Caleb. He is still with you, isn’t he?

Me: Yes, but things have become complicated.

Chayton: How so?

Me: Tell me what item you sent that would give me the memory of the wheat fields?

Chayton: The quilt, you have it then?

Me: Chayton! It is you. Please come get me. I can’t be here anymore. I don’t know who to trust anymore.

Chayton: You’re pregnant?

Me: It was… I didn’t…

Chayton: Eva? Tell me.

How could I explain any of this to him? The letter wasn’t meant to be read. He wasn’t supposed to know, not like this. This was not how our first conversation was supposed to go. There was supposed to be fireworks and that perfect moment where everything was fixed. This was the wrong kind of magic.

Me: Six weeks and it was not of consent.

Chayton: CALEB? He was supposed to protect you!

Me: It wasn’t Caleb, he didn’t know. Seth. I was told he is from the Colony.

Chayton: Seth? But I don’t understand. He’s not supposed to know where you’d gone. NO ONE WAS SUPPOSED TO KNOW!

Me: I’m so sorry. I can’t tell you how sorry I am that I let this happen. I don’t understand what’s happened. I have so many questions.