Woman on Fire (16 page)

A few months after our breakup, before her final move out of our home, my former sacred companion and I did a powerful and very loving ritual to honor what we called “Relation Transformation.” It was beautiful. It was the most intentional way I have ever shown up in relationship. We cooked one last meal together in our shared home, and as we moved from room to room, we told stories and laughed as we shared memories of each part of that house that was the setting for our love and shared life. We expressed our hopes and fears for our future as individuals and our transforming relationship. We marked each other's bodies with blessings for what was to come. That ritual of dissolution allowed us to reflect on what a gift our relationship had been, to acknowledge how much we appreciated each other, how deeply we'd learned and grown with each other, and to move forward and reorganize our relationship so that it could be healthy again, accounting for the new circumstances that would impact it. It was a new start that took several years to fully integrate.

If we approached breakups as the breakthroughs they always are and ritualized them as we do marriages, people would be so much healthier. We ritualize death and birth. Why not ritualize both the commencement and demise of a union? Sometimes there is too big
a fissure to allow for such a loving communion. I felt blessed to have the space with my ex to honor the nine years we had chosen to share with each other and to transform the relationship with intention. I also did ritual alone with myself to release my own grief. We spoke of doing a ritual with the people in our lives as witnesses—those who had been impacted by our love—and they were many. You can do a relationship transformation ritual in many ways. Intention and ritual is so much better than the big angry leavings, the betrayals and rage, the stalking of the ex, and the dark resentment. Change the way you leave and change the way you live.

After my divorce, I was beginning to build and create relationships with more awareness than I ever had before. I spent several years being consciously single, focusing on building meaningful friendships and reorienting myself to my inner core—undisturbed and undetermined by a partner who wanted things from me or from whom I wanted something. What a freedom to not have that. I'd spent my whole adult life in relationships, and to be in a place of not having to navigate someone else's needs at all was incredibly liberating. Each day was about me, who I wanted to be in the world, what I wanted to do, and how I wanted to live my life, rather than about how I needed to negotiate with someone else.

I took time to do the work and love myself through it. Unfortunately, for most people, it takes a big rupture to wake us up and help us see the work we need to do in order to get what we want. It tends to be when big breakups, divorces, or betrayals occur in our closest relationships. What a gorgeous opportunity to turn your life around, to do your work so that you are ready to receive the love you truly want to experience. At their root, all of these relationships end up being about how much you will love yourself.

Some people stay together and do the work. It's wonderful when that can happen—but it can't always. Relationships are necessary structures to allow us to look at our patterns because our patterns show up clearly in close relationships. If you are in a relationship with someone who is even slightly interested in doing the seriously challenging emotional work with you, then it can be done. My experience is that in most relationships, one person tends to catalyze more of that work or desires it more, while the other person isn't really aware of it or interested in participating. They would rather go on, oblivious that there are things that require attention and growth. The defense mechanisms of denial and avoidance are a powerful demon that keeps many people from living fully.

Because most of my clients are women, I tend to see many heterosexual women who want more in their relationships but are partnered with men who “don't get it.” Sometimes their male partners do not even see why they should support the work their lover is doing, and struggles can ensue about the investment of time, energy, and money. But really the fear is “Will she outgrow me?” And the truth is, she might. Sometimes loving yourself means letting go of someone you are close to.

At some point, there is a choice to make. Do I stay in a relationship with someone who is not on a path of self-transformation but perhaps meets many other needs of mine, or do I leave in search of someone new who can meet me at the evolutionary edges, someone who wants to grow
with
me? Do I leave in favor of myself and my truest desires? Sometimes the choice ultimately boils down to whether you will choose yourself over someone else. It's not always an easy choice to make, but if you are forsaking yourself in order to be in the relationship, why are you there? Why are you settling for less than you really want and deserve? I have witnessed so many people settling for years and years, unsatisfied for huge chunks of their lives. If they are aware that they are settling and are rationalizing it, they are usually pretty sad about it.

It's hard to face the question of who you choose when you are in a long-term committed relationship, especially if you've made a vow that is “for life.” So ask yourself, “Am I living fully in this relationship?” No matter what, live full-out. And know that you must be willing to give things up and be uncomfortable if you want to grow. It's an ongoing process. There is never a point when you say, “Oh, okay, awesome, I've arrived! I can just kick back and be happy now!” There is always more to discover as you grow. The challenge is to find your joy along the way.

In building your emotional empowerment, you show up differently in all relationships. Sometimes it's hard to know if you should stay in a relationship and work on the issues it's bringing up or walk away. If you have a pattern of walking away or abandoning ship when things get hard, you might look at that before you do it yet again. If you have an attachment wound and you tend to stay in situations too long, to the point of them being unhealthy for you, then you might need to go sooner this time in order to grow.

YOU NEED SOME CRITERIA FOR DECIDING HOW LONG TO MAINTAIN RELATIONSHIPS. ASK YOURSELF:

“Am I becoming a better person because of this relationship?”

“Is this relationship supporting me and the other person to grow both as individuals and together?”

“Do I like who I am in this relationship?”

“Am I often unhappy, angry, resentful, or in pain?”

“Is it psychologically, physically, sexually, or spiritually abusive?”

You've got to be honest with yourself about what is going on and how it's impacting you. Sometimes you have to walk away and
preserve yourself. Sometimes it's not only worth staying to work on things; it's the only way through what blocks you from becoming your best self.

Jacqueline had married young and her husband was the first sexual relationship she'd ever had. She came to me just as she was turning forty, in the midst of rearranging her life post-divorce. She had two children and she needed to redefine her life and her livelihood and to open up to the relationship she wanted but had never had. We immediately began to look at the unproductive patterns she had in many of her relationships, at the ways she made herself small, put her needs last, and her inability to really go for what she wanted.

When I started my journey I was in the midst of a painful divorce that had left me bereft of my life as I knew it, but curiously free to explore myself anew. I had begun to excavate and examine myself and my life from a new perspective, and I wanted change. I wanted to grow and transform. I had a vision of the kind of woman I wanted to be—a woman who was wise, warm, a bit wanton, sexually free, joyful, and beloved. I wanted to be a woman with resonance in every part of my being! My examination revealed how discontent and unfulfilled I had been in my marriage sexually, emotionally, spiritually, and energetically.

I desired a fulfilled experience of my sexuality and of myself when I started. I was frustrated and felt like I was missing out on a vital part of life that other women experienced; a part of what it was to be a woman; a part of me that was joyful, creative, and divine but also wild and carefree. I was afraid and shy about asking for my needs to be met, especially my sexual needs. I didn't even know what my needs were. I had no defined sense of what I needed, what I
wanted, or how to create it in family, relationships, professionally, and socially. I would say I was completely unfulfilled within and without. I was timid around sex and tended to avoid it or feel like I was bad at it or didn't know how to do it in the “right way.”

This work blew up the idea of playing it small, hiding, feeling lack, or a sense of being denied something. It forced me to peel away my layers and get to the core of who I was and the life I had created and take responsibility for the ways I had settled for less than I wanted, deserved, or was worthy of. At the core, I had to look at how I did not feel worthy and did not love myself and as a result had accepted and created relationships in my life that supported that same kind of consciousness—friends/family/lovers who did not acknowledge my worth, did not love and honor me, and did not acknowledge the love I was giving. I remember clearly the day that Amy Jo said to me that I have to give myself all the love I want to receive if I really want to have love in my life, and that was the one thing I had never done for myself. The mirror was held up for me to really see that all the relationships in my life were reflective of how I had treated myself, and wow, was that a wakeup call!

I have become deliberate and conscious about how I want to be seen and received and how I use my sexual energy. I am deliberate and conscious about the kind of life I want to live, the kind of work I want to do, the kind of man and relationship I want to have, the quality of friendships I need to sustain me, and, more important, I have and continue to create the new world that allows me to have it all. I am more aware of how people view me and what my gifts are. I have put boundaries up that didn't exist in the places and spaces I needed them, and I have opened doors and torn down walls that were denying me the fullest and most joyful experience of myself. As I became more sexually empowered I noticed that relationships that no longer supported my highest good fell away and new relationships with all kinds of exciting people have blossomed as a result.

I would say my journey around sexual empowerment has been a
journey around really understanding myself, trusting myself, learning how to be authentic, and recognizing the power I have within. I have embraced my curves and softened my edges. I have laid down my sword and I am a softer, gentler, wiser version of myself. I have stepped into the fullness of myself and my power.

Jacqueline experienced an emotional ripening that not only allowed her to show up differently in her relationships; it opened up doors in her life. She did the emotional excavation that was required so that she could truly open to being a more public figure and a powerful businesswoman.

We have many convenient perceptions about people. We decide someone is a certain way and often we fight against who they are. People are who they are and where they are in terms of their limitations, and it's important to pay attention to that when creating a relationship so you avoid forming expectations they cannot meet. Total setup. This is one of the biggest mistakes people make in relationships. Trying to make someone be a person they are not never works. It only causes distress.

Maya Angelou said, “When people show you who they are, believe them.”

Believe them! They tell you from the get-go who they are. They are showing you where they say yes and where they say no. They show you how they handle boundaries and how they communicate. They show you what they are capable of emotionally. They show you their clarity or lack thereof, their boundaries, and their need for control. They show you how much they are willing to be walked all over or how they stand up for themselves. They show you their patterns around anger. They show you what they will do in the name of joy and pleasure.

You can see who they are if you allow yourself to. Little things count. Don't discount the “minor” things. In the long run, those minor things add up to be major things, so it had better be what you want or, at least, what you can accept.

I was surprised at the way my partner ended our nine-year relationship, and I sat in stunned disbelief and sadness in our therapist's office. She said, “Really? Are you surprised? It makes perfect sense to me. I'm not surprised at all.”

Our therapist could see it clearly, but I had gotten so used to the parts of my partner that led her to end our relationship in the avoidant way she did that I had ceased to see them and how much of a setup they would be for us both. But she was being consistent. She was a withdrawer and didn't handle most situations directly. I was controlling and sometimes too direct. Perfect imperfect match, as is often the case.

I have a ritual I really like to do when I start something with someone else, like an artistic collaboration, a project, or moving in and creating a household together. We each write down our hopes and our fears for the project or whatever it is we are creating. Then we share them and talk about them. A year after my divorce, I found the sheet of “hopes and fears” I had written with my former partner when I first moved in with her ten years prior. We had started with this ritual. We each sat and wrote our hopes and fears for living together and sharing space and then we shared them with each other. There it was, right there on my list of fears: “I'm afraid she won't speak up when something is wrong.”

My stomach dropped when I saw it. I knew from the very start what was so obvious to our therapist. Of course she avoided saying what needed to be said, and her avoidance hurt me and ended up feeling like a betrayal. I had betrayed myself. But one does not think about what it will “look like in the end” when you are beginning to love and adore someone. When we were deep in our therapeutic process and teetering on the brink of survival, I remember our therapist
telling me that if it was going to work I had to accept her. Ultimately I could not. I needed more. Emotional skills that include direct communication now hold top spot on my list of necessary qualities in a partner. Never underestimate how important those skills are and seek people who care about developing emotional skills.