Wrecked (23 page)

SPECIAL

A few days passed without
word from Hunter. I was beginning to wonder if I had made a mistake by
suggesting we stay away from each other. Was this the end of our friendship?

Still,
those damn dreams of kissing his lips didn’t stop, if anything, they only
intensified with his absence. I’d tried taking Benadryl hoping for a dreamless
slumber, but it ended up twisting the dream, turning a kiss into some bizarre
situation where Hunter was bottle-feeding me across his lap like a little
kitten while stroking my sex at the same time. When I woke up, I immediately
tossed that bottle of Benadryl into the garbage. We’d been talking about Freud
and the interpretation of dreams in psych class the other day and I shuddered
to think what that dream had meant.

Finally,
Saturday evening arrived. Daniela decided to forego partying in favor of
studying for midterms and I didn’t feel like doing anything either so I decided
on enjoying a quiet night in my dorm room.

My phone
alarm chimed, notifying me I had to go feed the kittens soon. I hated the idea
of having to go over to Hunter’s apartment. The thought of seeing him again
pissed me off. After debating it over in my mind and considering other options,
I decided I was going to go over a little earlier to feed the kittens, hoping
it would give me a greater chance of avoiding him in case he decided to come
back from the gym early to catch me still at his place. Those poor little creatures
didn’t deserve being caught in the crossfire of whatever was happening between
Hunter and me.

I put my
jacket on and walked over to Hunter’s place.

As soon as I opened the
door, I heard adorable high-pitched mews coming from the kitchen. I walked inside,
took off my snow boots, and hung my coat on the hanger beside the door.

“Where’s
my little kitties?” I said in my best babying voice.

The mews
grew louder in response and I heard tiny paws scurrying across the tile to the
pet barrier. I could distinctly hear Taylor’s sweet—but loud—voice above the
others. As much as I didn’t want to play favorites, if some sick person put a
gun to my head and asked me to choose my favorite kitten of the litter, I’d
have to say it was Taylor.

“There’s
my kitties!” I exclaimed.

“Lorrie?”

I paused.
Kittens
aren’t supposed to know English, let alone speak it,
I thought. Grasping
the situation, I turned and saw Hunter on the other side of the kitchen counter
with a towel around his waist and damp hair. His bare muscular torso snapped me
to attention and a heated ache moved through me.

“Hunter!”
Recovering from surprise, my mood immediately turned sour. “I thought you’d be
at the gym.”

“I was,”
he said evenly as he dried his hair with a second, smaller towel. “I went
earlier today so I could have more time to relax in the evening. What are you
doing here so early?” Although his question indicated otherwise, his tone
seemed like he’d anticipated I’d be coming early.

Dammit,
he outsmarted me.

It was
apparent Hunter had altered his clockwork routine because he wanted to talk
about the recent drama between us. Unfortunately, I was too pissed at him to
want to do the same. I put my hands on my hips. “Oh. Well, I’ve got plans later
so I came earlier to feed the babies and give them some attention. Once I’m
done here, I’m out.”

He ran a
hand through his dark hair, pushing wet strands away from his forehead. “You
need help?” he said, lacking his usual enthusiasm. “I’ll feed the boys and you
feed the girls?”

I was
about to decline his help but then a kitten began gently grazing my leg with
his paws. I turned to identify the rascal and saw it was Rampage—Hunter’s
favorite kitten. A petty thought ran through my head and I couldn’t resist. “Oh
look who it is! Rampage wants me to feed him. I think he likes me better,” I
said smugly.

Hunter was
visibly taken aback. “What?” he grunted. Hunter came over to my side, kneeled
down, and began petting Rampage. “C’mon Rampage, I’ll feed you.”

Rampage
closed his eyes and tilted his ears down enjoying the pets against his back but
he didn’t stop kneading my jeans.

Stooping
to pet Rampage on the head, I eyed Hunter. “You might play with Rampage a lot
and give him affection but the little guy wants my affection too.”

Hunter
narrowed his eyes. “He’s a naive kitten. He probably just likes that peachy
perfume you always wear.”

“What are
you talking about? I’m not wearing any perfume.”

He
grumbled. “Or lotion, or shampoo. Whatever it is you always wear.”

I rolled
my eyes. “Whatever.”

Hunter’s
attention diverted to something at his side. “Oh, who is this?” he said smugly.

Glancing
over and seeing Taylor pawing at Hunter’s leg, I became further irritated.
“Taylor, come here, let me feed you,” I commanded. I tried coaxing her over by
tapping the floor with my hand and calling her name but she remained fixed on
Hunter.

Hunter
looked at me and grinned wickedly. “She can’t resist,” he said pleased with
himself. “Looks like Taylor likes me better.”

“Whatever,”
I snapped. “You just got out of the shower so she’s probably just trying to
mark you with her scent.”

“Whatever.”

We spent
the next twenty minutes sitting on the kitchen floor bottle-feeding the kittens
over our laps and burping them in awkward silence. I ended up feeding Rampage
and Hunter ended up feeding Taylor. I tried avoiding eye contact with Hunter
and I could tell he was trying to do the same but somehow we always managed to
check on one another at the exact same time, making brief, incredibly awkward
eye contact. When the awkwardness became too much to bear, I decided to speak
up.

“Hunter—”

“Lorrie,
we need to talk.”

I waited a
beat before responding. “Yeah,” I said, gently taking a drowsy Georgia off my
lap and placing her in the cat bed next to the other four sleeping kittens.

“We’re
both upset with one another.” Hunter put a tired Bones in the bed next to
Georgia who was already falling into dream land.

We both
stood up and faced one another. I folded my arms across my chest. “Yes, we
are.”

He puffed
air from his lungs and ran hand through his hair. “Look, it’s not easy for me
to say this . . .”

I watched
him carefully, wondering if this was the going to be the end of our friendship.

“I like
you Lorrie. I really do. You make me laugh, I like hanging out with you. You’re
strong and you call me out on my shit. I feel good when I’m around you . . .”

I took a
second to digest all the positive words, nodding slowly in acknowledgement.
“But . . .?”

“But—” He
locked his gaze with mine and I could see his expression had changed from
irritated to pained. “—I have feelings for you, Lorrie. Feelings beyond
friendship.”

I remained
silent.

“You knew
that I was attracted to you before we even became friends. But that was a while
ago, when we were just getting to know one another. You were this beautiful,
quirky girl that fell into my life—literally, you fell into a lake and I saved
you—and I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you since. I have real
feelings for you now, Lorrie. Strong ones.”

My chest
tightened at the raw intensity of his gaze and voice. Hunter was baring himself
to me in a way he never had before and the anger I had held since stepping into
the apartment began to disappear.

“I’m not
even sure I want these feelings for you because now you have the ability to
hurt me. And you did. You pushed me away. You’re not like other girls to me,
Lorrie. I can’t just shake it off or ignore it.”

Hunter’s
passionate words and the pain in his voice touched me deeply. I could feel my
emotional walls cracking. He was a badass and a goofball but right now he was a
hurt little boy. And it was all because of me.

I hurt
him.

My eyes
began to prickle and my throat started constricting. I briefly glanced away to
compose myself before looking at him directly. “I’m really sorry that I hurt
you, Hunter,” I said trying to control the shakiness in my voice. “But what did
you expect? Did you think I was going to be your girlfriend because you gave me
flowers and a box of chocolates?” I stumbled over the pet barrier and headed
toward the door, hoping I’d make it there before the inevitable tears came.

As I
slipped my foot into one boot, he caught me by the shoulder and spun me around
to meet his forceful gaze. “I know you have feelings for me, Lorrie! Don’t push
me away.”

“I can’t
do this, Hunter!” I exclaimed, trying desperately to be strong, to resist him
when I knew I didn’t want to. “You’re sweet, but I just can’t do this . . .”

“What do
you have against us? Haven’t you known me long enough now to trust me? We can
take it slow. Lorrie . . .”

“Hunter.”
I released a shaky breath, preparing to end this discussion before it went too
far—before either of us let our emotions get the best of our composure. “I like
you,” I admitted. “I really do. You’re this lovable goofball that also happens
to be a badass MMA fighter. Or maybe it’s the other way around, I don’t know.
You’re almost too good to be true . . .” I paused to swallow a lump scratching
at my throat.

“Then what
is it, Lorrie? Please, tell me.” His eyes began to glisten. It was something
I’d never seen before, not even after witnessing him get punched in the face.
Seeing his vulnerability emboldened me to continue.

“I have
feelings for you beyond friendship as well, Hunter. And that’s the problem.
That’s what I’m scared of. You can hurt me. Whatever you’re going through now,
I don’t want to experience that.”

His jaw
tightened but his tone remained controlled. “Dammit, that’s selfish—I put
myself out there and you can hurt me while keeping yourself defended.”

I exhaled
a shaky breath. As difficult as it was, I persisted in meeting his gaze. “It’s
self-preservation, Hunter. It’s just like you using girls for blow jobs. As
much as I care about you—and I do care about you probably more than I’m willing
to admit—I have to take care of myself first. I know it’s fucked up, Hunter. I
know it’s bad and it makes me a terrible person. But guess what? I
am
fucked
up. I’m a fucked up girl who can’t get her life right. I already told you my
parents are divorced and dead . . . I’m fighting just to feel normal.” Tears
began streaming down my cheeks and I hurriedly wiped them away with my hand. My
lips began to quiver and my throat started constricting but I forced myself to
continue.

His gaze
softened. “Lorrie . . .”

“I can’t
lose, Hunter! This isn’t like one of your fights where if you lose, you can get
back up again and fight another day, fight another opponent. If I lose this
fight, I may not ever get back up again. I’m going to be dead. If not
completely then at least on the inside, which isn’t much better. And it’s
always the same damn opponent! It’s like I’m fighting to roll this gigantic
boulder up a hill every day, hoping to god that it doesn’t crush me.”

Hunter’s
lips tightened as if he wanted to say something but was holding back to let me
finish.

Blinking
away tears, I swallowed another lump in my throat. “I know it sounds
ridiculous. I know it sounds like I’m just being a quitter, that I don’t have
that eye-of-the-tiger never-give-up attitude that you might have, but real life
isn’t the movies. There’s no Rocky montage for overcoming obstacles in life.
Not for me. Or anyone else. I’ve seen the best fail, I’ve seen my own dad lose
after fighting so hard, struggling for so long. Can’t you see, Hunter? It’s not
that I don’t
want
to get hurt. It’s that I
can’t
. If I do, it’s
over. It’s all over for me.” I started to feel a familiar numbness creeping
into my chest again. It was my body’s way of protecting me from intolerable
pain.

Hunter
stared passionately into my eyes even as the tears rolling down both our cheeks
threatened to distance us. “Then let’s stop hurting each other! You make me
feel alive and I make you feel alive. Let’s save each other.”

I cupped
my hand over my mouth to stifle an unexpected laugh, choking back sobs in the
process. “You’re too sweet, Hunter. Really, you are. I don’t deserve you as a
friend. As much as I want to believe it, you can’t save me, Hunter. Deep down
we’re both fucked up selfish kids just trying to make it to the next day. We
both know that. All we can do is try to survive on our own.”

I tried
turning my head away but he gently placed his hand against my cheek and
returned my gaze to his. The comforting warmth of his palm heated my face as he
wiped tears away with his thumb. His gaze was intensely tender. “I don’t care
how selfish we are because I know we can be selfless too! I’ve seen your
kindness. You care about others. You care about me. You’re just drowning right
now, Lorrie. I saved you once, I can do it again.”