#1.5 Finding Autumn (12 page)

Autumn was watching me like she was waiting for me to say something. I finally managed. “You didn’t want to go through a trial?”

“No, I couldn’t. The press kept my name mostly out of the whole thing once they got word a teacher assaulted one of his students. But Hunter and my best friend Faye leaked my identity, and for some reason decided to make my life a living hell.

“Everyone believed Mr. Bridges’s version of what happened. Faye corroborated I flirted with him to help out my math grade and shared a lot of unflattering pictures of me on Facebook. They were mostly taken at her house while we were partying and every sin was publicly displayed. And Hunter may have believed me, but I don’t think he cared. I had been sullied in his eyes. I think whether or not it was consensual was a moot point. We broke up when I wouldn’t sleep with him…”

“Motherfucker,” I muttered. She likely didn’t realize I was referring to Thomas and not Hunter. Her friends and ex-boyfriend were culpable, but in some ways, so was I. Thomas was a master manipulator; and although she didn’t know it yet, he had gotten inside of my head and planted the seeds of doubt, too. 

“He and his friends started rumors about me. Made up all kinds of stories and everyone believed them. Mr. Bridges was a revered football legend at our school and his arrest made me a target. Our school had a bad case of hero worship when it came to him, and it was easier to accept I was a Lolita than that Mr. Bridges was a predator. Two guys grabbed me in the stairwell when I went back to school in the fall, and I was done with Newpine High School for good.”

The wrath inside of me was reaching its peak. When I felt the rage course through my blood, I didn’t force it away. It was my biggest shame, but when the hatred reared up, Thomas felt more like my father than ever—because only a father could leave behind scars that ran so deep.

I could pretend with everyone else, but I was getting to the point I couldn’t keep pretending with Autumn. “I wish I could do something. I wish I could go back and protect you from all of it.”

“You are doing something. You’re here for me now. I haven’t been able to talk about what happened with anyone besides my parents. I have trust issues, and I’ve been afraid if I open up to anyone else, they’ll desert me like Hunter and Faye.”

Her words stung because I was doing something much worse. I was a liar, and when she found out about my lies, I’d eviscerate her belief in me.

“Hunter and Faye weren’t worthy of you. I’m probably not either, but I’m trying to be.”

It would never be enough, but I’d try my damndest to make it up to her. I may have lied about who I was, but it wasn’t a lie when I told her I wanted to make her happy. I never thought her happiness would mean more than my own, but since we started spending time together, she had changed me.

“I was afraid to tell you, scared of what you might think of me….” She trailed off.

“What would I think?”

“You would think I was stupid to flirt with my teacher. I invited him into my life by tossing my hair and giggling when he spoke, letting him open up to me about his personal life….”

“Did you tell him no? Did you tell him to stop?” I asked her forcefully. She had to let go of the blame. I didn’t want her to put merit into any of the lies her spiteful classmates spread about her. She nodded in response to my rhetorical question. She started to cry, the first time since beginning her story. I rushed on, “Then none of the other stuff matters. It was his responsibility to draw the line. Your actions didn’t warrant what was done to you.” I wiped away her tears as she sniffled. “I can’t imagine what it’s been like for you, and I’m so sorry. But I’m here now and nothing is going to happen to you again.”

She pulled back slightly and protested, “I don’t need a protector….”

“I don’t only want to be your protector, Autumn. I want to be everything you’ll ever need—because that’s exactly how you make me feel when I’m with you. Like you give me everything I’ll ever want and need.”

Autumn had my heart. I hadn’t intended it to happen, but I wouldn’t lie to myself and pretend I didn’t feel it. I couldn’t guarantee a future for us, but I would do anything in my power to fight for one.

Chapter Eleven

I was trying to leap off a speeding train, and the impossibility of it was bearing down on me. I had done the unthinkable—I’d fallen in love with Autumn Dorey. It had hit me without warning, and I had no idea what to do about it.

I wasn’t allowed to even have an attraction to her—much less be in love with her. I imagined telling my mom and Delia about Autumn.
Hey, remember that girl we all hated and blamed for our lives going to shit? Funny thing, she goes to the same college as me and it turns out I’m crazy about her.
I was well and truly fucked.

The phone rang and I groaned. It was my mom. I’d been avoiding talking to her and Delia because keeping up the pretense was exhausting. It was a juggling act—laboring to keep my two worlds from colliding with one another. In the weeks since spring break, and my date with Autumn in Newpine, I’d been getting closer to her while driving my family farther away.

“Blake!” My mom barked out over the phone. I could already hear the sharpness in her tone and immediately realized the good mood she had held onto since hearing of Thomas’s release had fled.

“Hi, Mom. How are you?”

“Fine, I suppose. As thrilled as I am about your
father’s
release, I feel like I’m stuck in limbo right now.” My shoulders tensed as she put an emphasis on the word father. She had badgered me about cutting Thomas out of my life relentlessly since last year. I figured she felt like my refusal to forgive him reflected poorly on herself. If she could forgive him for his alleged affair, why couldn’t I?

I sat down on my bed. “Is he moving back into the house?”

“Of course he is. I thought we could plan a special family dinner for the night he comes home.” She let out a long-suffering sigh. “You have no idea what it would mean to him if you came.”

“I can’t.”

“Blake—”

I cut her off. “Was that the reason you called?”

“Why are you so damn stubborn?” she demanded. “Do you think it doesn’t hurt to think about my husband cheating on me with a student? But we have to move on. He’s admitted his mistakes and deserves a second chance. Do you have any idea what prison has been like for him? For god’s sake, Blake, he’s a middle-aged math teacher, not a hardened criminal.”

“Look, can we not do this again? I’m not going to feel sorry for him and you’re not going to make me feel bad for not wanting him in my life.”

“No, you look, Blake. You were a child when he came into our lives, so you probably don’t remember how bad things were. Your father died and we had nothing—no life insurance, no savings to tide us over,” she said, her words razor sharp. “I had to get aid from the state, and it was still barely enough to pay our rent and feed us. Thomas
saved
us. He gave us a home, and he loved you like you were his own child. And you weren’t always easy to love. You threw the worst tantrums—destroying your toys and banging your fists against the walls. Thomas wouldn’t give up on you because he saw your potential. When you get to the NFL, you’ll realize how much you owe him.”

Fuck, I need a drink
. There was nothing like a conversation with my mother to ruin my attempts at sobriety. I hated that she was forcing me to link any future success I had to Thomas. It undermined any possible joy I could gain from going pro. I used to love football, and she was, little by little, stealing that sensation away.

I wanted to tell her how wrong she was, but it would only prolong the conversation. The more she talked, the more her voice sounded like nails on a chalkboard and I couldn’t stand it.

“Mom, I have to go. I’ll give you a call later.” She’d know I was full of shit and wouldn’t be calling, but I didn’t have the energy to care. If she needed to talk again, she would tirelessly call until I answered. She had pulled that crap one night when Autumn came over with her friends, right after we started dating. I had to listen to my mom’s tirade for over fifteen minutes in the privacy of my bedroom until I was able to finally hang up and return to Autumn’s side. Talking to my mom in Autumn’s presence was too dangerous of a game.

“Wait…” My mother paused until the silence became awkward. “I need money.”

“How much?”

“Just another two thousand dollars….”

“The fund is going to deplete soon, Mom. I’m not sure how I’ll pay for school next year.”

“Don’t worry about it, Blake. Once your dad is out of jail, Delia and I will have his income back. Besides, when you get drafted, you’ll have more money than you know what to do with.”

I wouldn’t tell her no because despite the many ways she infuriated me, I did feel a responsibility toward her and Delia. My college fund was set up by my father’s parents and meant to help pay for my education. Because of my mom’s bitter feud with my grandparents, I wasn’t allowed to see them after my dad died. To still be involved in my life, they put a substantial amount of money into a savings fund I accessed after graduating high school.

“I’ll go online and transfer the money into your account. It should be there this afternoon.”

“Good,” she said with relief clear in her voice. “I’ll give you a call in the next few days, and we’ll get together for dinner.”

After hanging up, I made my way from my bedroom to the kitchen. Often, I felt like my mom’s whipping boy, like I was the one forced to pay for Thomas’s transgressions. It was a vicious cycle I didn’t know how to stop. Darien called out to me from his room, but I only grunted in reply. I gathered a handful of beers from the fridge in my arms and disappeared back into my room. Closing my blinds and shutting off my lamp, I moved over to the bed and sank into the mattress.

I gulped down the first beer, not stopping until the bottle was drained dry. I was glad Autumn had taken my car and disappeared for the day to go shopping. I didn’t want her to witness the mindfuck my mom had done on me. I wanted the selective amnesia to return and not to be reminded of the good times I had with Thomas. It was much easier to pretend he’d been an asshole all the way up until the day he was imprisoned.

So what if he’d been a decent father figure to me? My mother didn’t understand that his one act of evil overshadowed all the good he had ever done. He tried to rape one of his students. He had violated her in every conceivable way, short of that. I didn’t believe there was redemption from that.

A few minutes passed before Darien started knocking on my bedroom door. I shoved my earbuds in and cranked up my iPod to block out the sound. He was always trying to fix me. He was like Autumn in so many ways. As much as I tried to push them both away, they never gave up on me. With my defective family, it was hard not to think of them as better off without me in their lives.

I drank for hours until exhaustion kicked in and I drifted off. I was disoriented when I opened my eyes and startled when my bed shook. The lighting was dim, but I recognized Autumn immediately lying on the bed next to me. She had a beautiful smile on her full lips, and it made me forget my bad mood. Waking up next to Autumn was nothing I’d ever complain about.

I turned on my lamp and allowed myself a moment to take her in fully. She was naturally beautiful, and I could stare at her all day and not grow bored. She had a light about her; and although she’d been through the worst life could offer up, it hadn’t diminished that light. She snagged one of my earbuds and frowned in my direction.

“Drinking in the dark while listening to Radiohead? How very self-indulgent of you.”

“I like how you’re never afraid to call me on my bullshit.” It was one of hundreds of qualities I admired in her. I had fought the physical attraction from early on, but as we got closer, I saw how smart and honest she was. I felt at times as if I was surrounded by frauds—myself included in that distinction—and it was refreshing to be around a girl who spoke her mind.

She moved closer until every soft curve was pressed against me. She ran her finger across my chest, and I felt myself getting turned on by her nearness and her touch. I wanted her so much, and it was all I could think about when she was next to me. I could picture her big brown eyes full of need as I rocked into her deep—making sure she came before I finished. The thought of even being inside her had me rock hard.

“What’s going on?” she asked. “Are you okay?”

No, I wasn’t okay, but I couldn’t put my problems on her. Was it insane for me to imagine the day I could be completely honest with her? The reality was the day I opened up to her and revealed my true self would probably be the last day I’d ever see her again.

“Just having a bad day. It’s better now that you’re here.”

“I think it’s more than that. You can tell me the truth.”

“Don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine.” I was fine as long as she didn’t leave me. Maybe I was a selfish prick, but I wasn’t ready to let her go.

“Fine, if you won’t tell me, let’s play a game instead.”

Her suggestion eased my tension. She was letting me pretend for a little bit longer, and I would seize the opportunity as if my life depended on it. I could already feel the crushing loneliness looming on the horizon. “What kind of game?”

“It’s called two truths and a lie.” I couldn’t hide my restlessness over her suggestion. I had built up a tower of lies, and sometimes it felt like she was only a hairbreadth’s away from making them all tumble down. She frowned at my reaction and pushed my shoulder playfully. “Come on. I’ll even go first.”

“Okay. How do you play?”

“I’m going to tell you three things. Two of them are true and one of them is a lie. You have to figure out which one is the lie.”

The game sounded like a disaster waiting to happen. It was making me feel all sorts of immoral, and I didn’t want to drown in my guilt. It would be better to change the subject—tell her how incredibly sexy I found her.

“Can’t we play another kind of game?”