1995 - The UnDutchables (5 page)

In keeping with their love of plant life, the Dutch have elevated the tree to almost ‘national symbol’ status. Cities and villages provide generous budgets for the care and maintenance of trees. Each public tree is logged, numbered and carefully monitored. Tree doctors study, examine and perform surgery when necessary. If a tree is fortunate, has the right roots, is well-behaved, lives long and leaves itself well, it can be granted ‘monument’ status. (Currently, more than 10,000 trunks have achieved this rank.) Tree foundations and
aktie
groups for trees do a blooming business. For instance, when a 130-year-old Leeuwarden sycamore tree was executed in order to make way for a theatre, a farewell ceremony was held at its last resting place. Flowers were laid in memory. (No doubt a memorial plaque for the tree will be erected in the theatre -this tribute being constructed from choice wood from another victim of deciduous decapitation.)

The only form of tree-abuse tolerated is that executed by another over-protected species—
cloggy
kids (see Chapter 6), who happily maim, disfigure and mutilate the vegetation whilst experiencing freedom and union with nature.

Having said this, we now encounter a choice double standard of
clogism
. On the one hand, they export forest-loads of wooden shoes around the world, as a symbol of their country. On the other hand, they are fed up with the stereotype of the wooden shoe/windmill. A typical example of this conflict manifested itself while we were originally preparing this book. A Dutch illustrator pleaded to know:

What kind of tune will the book whistle? Is it a book showing all Dutch people walking on wooden shoes, making porno pictures of their children for selling in the USA?

In this ecologically-conscious, save-the-planet, celebrate-earth-day world, one wonders if the crime of
boomicide
in order to preserve windmill table lamps, footwear and foot-lockers is really valid. Holland is the second largest importer of tropical hardwood, after Japan (1991). Foreign forests are apparently less sacred than the Dutch variety, as the Netherlands Government has decreed that there should be no restrictions on the importation of wonderful wood from Latin lands.

Slightly out of place in this chapter, but important nevertheless, is the subject of cows. Apart from their importance in emitting excrement (as discussed earlier),
cloggy
cows provide the main ingredient for Dutch dairy produce. Without cows, there would be no famous football-cheeses, no discus-cheeses, no cream for their unique apple pies, no condensed milk for their coffee and no butter for their imitation sandwiches (see Chapters 11 and 17 for more on these delights), not to mention the effect on the export market. (Holland is the world’s top exporter of dairy products.) The place would simply not function well without cows.

So what can the
cloggies
do to improve the production of raw materials in this sphere? Revolutionize the milking process, of course.

One milking system, MIROS (Milking Robot System) uses ultrasound to locate a cow’s teats:

1. On arrival at a milking stall, the animal is identified by a transponder worn around her neck.
   
2. A computer then checks when the last milking took place. If another milking session is due, the cow is retained in the stall.
   
3. A robot uses two ultrasound beams to locate the udder, then a rotating beam finds the individual teats.
   
4. After the teats have been found, a mechanical arm automatically attaches the milking machine to the teats.
   

One rival system relies on a computer which is programmed with each cow’s vital statistics (teat positions; and udder location, size and shape) in order to attach the milking machine.

Overall, the new procedures fit in well with the Dutch way of doing things—efficient and cost-effective, while making sure it is good for ‘Daisy.’ The cows seem to approve of the technique as they are FREE to enter the stall whenever they feel too full, and they show a measure of reluctance to leave when finished.

Now, if only some clever
cloggy
could adapt the system for use in urban areas to handle the output from dogs’ rear ends!

CHILDREN

In 20 years I have never seen a (Dutch) child physically punished
.

—Luca Dosi Delfini, Dutch art historian, National Geographic, 1986

This chapter, despite its title, is not so much a comment on Dutch children themselves, but more a comment on their upbringing. As early as the 17
th
century, visitors to the land were both surprised and disconcerted by the over-indulgence that the Dutch displayed towards their young. They spoiled them then and have been refining the art ever since.

There are two basic ways to bring up
cloggy
kids:

• the common sense way by teaching them some manners and respect (mainly found in what’s left of the countryside). Polite and well-behaved children are a delight for all concerned. As they do not attract much attention by their activities, they remain to a large extent invisible to outsiders.
  
• the classico-contemporary way as free, rude, spoiled, pampered gods. This category is very much in the majority and in this respect warrants further comment.
  

Holland is a great place to go through pregnancy and childbirth, as every Dutch parent will tell you. Midwives and physicians undergo thorough obstetric training and practice. Natural births are encouraged in most cases, and home is considered the best place to do it. Wherever the baby-falling (
bevalling
) takes place, a mystical atmosphere of cosiness and intimacy prevails between all present. Strangely, no fresh-cut flowers can attend. When the newborn finally arrives, it is treated with utmost respect and care—perhaps too much so.

During the first weeks of life, baby and its mother normally face an almost continuous stream of visitors: relatives, friends, nurses, advice-givers and well-wishers. The exhausted mother may well want nothing more than privacy and quiet with her newborn, but will find she must serve both infant and intruder—and not always in that order. The new parents (like all
cloggies
) love receiving gifts, but this makes them beholding to the interlopers, and the cycle continues. This constitutes one of baby’s earliest extra-uterine lessons in the arts of independence, give-and-take and rebelliousness.

The golden rule is (and apparently always has been): Let them be free. Free to explore and experience whatever they please. Free to be ‘creative’ (destructive), with little or no concern for anyone else, as long as they are not in serious danger. They must learn to be independent and rebellious AS YOUNG AS POSSIBLE.

In all this upbringing and education, children should not be kept on too tight a rein, but allowed to exercise their childishness, so that we do not burden their fragile nature with heavy things and sow untimely seed in the unprepared field of understanding
.

—Jan van Beverwijck, 1656

Speak to the little terrors in baby language and pamper them until they finish their childhood (around the age of 30).

Dutch families [in the 1600’s] seem to have been much more reluctant than other contemporary cultures to relinquish their hold on the young
.

—S. Schama, 1987

In public, suggest discipline by giving loud instructions regarding behaviour that is permitted and that which is not. Angelface will immediately disobey by testing the instructions, whereupon cherub’s activities are ignored.

If you visit a Dutch family, abandon all hope of being able to hold a reasonable conversation. A loud-mouthed child will inevitably:

• place itself between host(ess) and guest, where it will dance (sometimes on your feet) and chatter to get attention
  
• cuddle up to mother, stroke her face and hair or wriggle around in her lap, continuously asking stupid and unnecessary questions
  
• sit between you both, stare at you, and imitate your every facial expression and movement.
  

When the mother notices that you are about to leave because of her sweet child’s behaviour, she will tell the child, in her sternest voice, to go away and ‘let mama talk.’ The child will ignore her until the command has been repeated at least three times. Within five minutes, the child will return. The mother will be delighted to have her free, little angel back (totally forgiven and welcome to continue its previous activities).

Other favourite antics for Dutch children are to yell, scream, fight, cry, run around the room, climb all over the furniture, slam doors, bump into you, etc., again making it impossible to converse.

This attitude of parent and child continues in public: waiting rooms, transport, schools, streets, restaurants and shops. Above all, beware of the cinema syndrome where the combined traits of the adult, adolescent and infant
cloggies
merge into three hours of sheer hell (see Chapter 7).

Throughout the period of infantile pampering, training aids are strategically introduced. The first, a ball, is presented before the art of walking has been mastered. The second, The Bicycle, is introduced shortly thereafter (by the age of 3, most mini-Netherlanders can ride a two-wheel Bike competently). Next comes mother’s greatest gift (to herself and to the child): kindergarten. This can start anywhere between the age of 30 months and 5 years. Also during this period, children are awarded their first pair of ice skates, which are renewed annually.

The school years that follow shape their worldly views. Parents may select the school(s) their offspring attend. The choices available are based on classical education, philosophy and religion. Nowadays, classical education teaches the children to be ‘streetwise.’ Education based on philosophy is for
avant-garde
parents and has its roots buried in freedom of expression (with obvious results). Selection of a Christian school enables parents to segregate their children from Turks, Moroccans, etc., (who follow the Muslim faith) without being seen to be racist.

A catastrophe was narrowly averted when the Ministry of Education refused to grant random absence entitlement for school children (
nipper-snipperdagen
). Such holidays would supposedly have allowed parents more personal time with their offspring. Thankfully, the Ministry judged that the current entitlement of
torture-dagen
is more than any parent could realistically handle.

After-school hours (and school holidays) are a traditional period for children to ‘get even’ for whatever minor injustices they feel have been inflicted upon them. Fueled by a thirst for revenge, the mini-mafia have in the past punished a whole generation by ringing doorbells and running away. This age-old prank has now been superseded by the act of
zapping
which is the clandestine art of roaming streets with a TV remote controller and resetting the TV volume, picture or channel setting when passing a viewer’s house. When the electronics giant Philips was consulted for a possible cure, a spokesman declared:

There is no remedy. A television cannot distinguish between users with good intentions andusers with bad intentions. We therefore recommend placing the television in a part of the abode that cannot be accessed that way
.

Great!

When full-time education is finally completed, the Dutch are suitably prepared for welfare or work (see Chapter 9). Parental pampering now diminishes, for the school-leavers are well versed in the art of babyhood.

Ever since Holland became a welfare state in the 1960’s, fewer and fewer Dutch children grow up wondering, ‘
What will my profession be when I grow up?
’ Instead, they are brought up with the attitude, ‘
I will be taken care of
.’ And they are, by both Government and family, so that they (the children) can continue their magical mystery tour of life.

Twenty years on, the current herds of freeborn Dutch, with their divine qualities, will be the backbone of the country. They will be the mainstay of industry, the financiers and the politicians. Dutch kids, spawned by over-liberated mothers and welfare-minded fathers, will rule and govern the country. They will be steering the ship—a classic case of DUTCH HELM DISEASE.

CINEMA

Cinema appeals to the Dutch. It is actively linked to the culture-vulture and individual-expression syndromes that all self-respecting Dutch persons acquire at birth. Unfortunately, their tenacity for over-respecting themselves, and under-respecting others, causes a total breakdown of consideration in the world of cinema. If you want to SEE and HEAR a feature film in Holland, wait for the video. If you merely wish to preview the decline and fall of civilization (as we know it), Dutch cinema (
bioscoop
) is for you.

1. The number one rule is that you must giggle, chatter, belch and rattle your candy wrappers as much as possible to ensure that no one can follow the film. If anyone’s presence irritates you, throw your empty bottles and other rubbish at them while making loud and nasty comments about them.
   
2. If the theatre is not yet full, be sure to select a seat directly in front of someone else and to sit up as straight as possible (preferably with a tall hat on) to block their view. Better still, fidget frequently.
   
3. Make every effort to arrive late so as to inconvenience as many members of the audience as possible by blocking their view and stepping on their feet as you find a seat. If you have missed part of the film, ask the people sitting near you (in a loud voice) to explain in detail what has happened so far.
   

The programme intermission provides a rest period for the audience:

1. Join the stampede to the foyer for obligatory coffee (to ease the throats of the better behaved), soft drinks or beer (to massage the throats of the worst behaved) and for restocking munitions of wrapped confectionery.
   
2. The middle ranks will remain in the theatre, rehearsing for the return game.
   
3. At the end of the intermission, smokers casually deposit still-smoldering cigarette ends in waste paper containers and all persons over 6 feet (1.9 metres) tall must delay returning to their seats until the programme has recommenced.
   
4. DO NOT even consider prematurely finishing a conversation to view the film.