1995 - The UnDutchables (2 page)

They always speak their mind and ask what most foreigners consider to be probing questions about one’s personal life. Their directness gives many the impression that they are rude and crude—attributes they prefer to call ‘
openness
.’ You can put it to the test by discussing intimate and shocking topics with them that you would never dare speak about with any other nationality. What may strike you as being blatantly blunt topics and comments are no more embarrassing or unusual to the Dutch than discussing the weather.

This frankness is linked to their reputation for being opinionated and obstinate. When they believe in something, they will stubbornly adhere to their principles through thick and thin, unless and until they are ready to change their mind of their own accord. When necessary, they adopt and maintain a firm national resolve to ‘never again’ let certain tragedies recur.

Over the centuries, they have developed and refined a sort of sand psychology which manifests itself in many walks of life. Since most of the country is built on sand, the use of lego-roads is widespread. Streets are paved with bricks which are merely pounded into place. The brick surface has no graded foundation layers. This construction method, combined with the Northern European climate, guarantees maximum inconvenience for motorists, cyclists and pedestrians: dips in the roads, sinking tramlines and a multitude of closed roads while re-flattening/re-laying operations are in progress.

The Dutch proudly defend the character of their roads. Workmen need only lift up the requisite amount of bricks to reach the work area. One wonders if they would need to lift up any bricks at all if they constructed the roads properly in the first place.

A
cloggy’s
prize possession is The Bicycle. It may be a 15-speed, ultra-light, racing model or a rusty old third generation job, honourably handed down through the family. Hence the country is infested with the contraptions.

The Dutch are masters of innovation, although some visitors may never identify or appreciate the results. Innovation and experimentation are constantly applied to a revolving process of refinement of social issues, agriculture and industry, and as urban and rural development. Sometimes the experiments are a success; sometimes they fail. Either way, new experiments will replace the gains or losses sooner or later.

Hollanders enjoy one of the highest standards of living and rank among the leaders of longevity. Their quality of life is excellent, although this fact is often disguised by constant complaining about the same.

They are supreme masters of things connected with water: bridges, dikes, canals, rain, etc. They have had to constantly defend their sand against natural elements with an elaborate survival system, as they WILL NOT HESITATE to tell you. This defence has been far more successful than that employed against many a human foe, as they will NEGLECT to tell you.

They have been a seafaring people for centuries on end. Along with this comes their love of travel, foreign cultures and bartering. There is nothing more exciting or satisfying for a Dutch person than to make a good deal. They have all the patience and time one can imagine if it means earning or saving a guilder or two. They are also world trade experts, ranking first place (worldwide) in tonnage at Rotterdam (with Hong Kong second) and first place in dairy and poultry export, while their agricultural export value ranks second in the world. Rotterdam also boasts of being the world’s first fully automated container port.

Perhaps it’s the age-old connection between water and cleansing/purification that drives them to it. Many of them are pathologically obsessed with a form of cleanliness which logically has little connection with practical hygiene. This is especially true of the older generation. It seems the older they grow, the cleaner everything must be.

It should be noted that the older generation appears to be exempt from much of what follows in this book. Although they are still in full possession of their Dutchness, it does not manifest itself as intensely as before. Perhaps after 60+ years, they are finally prepared to hand the baton to their heirs. Or it may be that most of the elderly have suffered at least one period of extreme hardship, such as having lived under the occupation of a genocide-obsessed
Drittes Reich
(Third Reich), which permits them to…

View the world with a more worldly view.

PUBLIC TRANSPORT

Holland is not a bad place to eye up all sorts of mass transit electric rail traction developments
.

—Paul J. Goldsack, Mass Transit, 1985

In addition to the national train service, Holland, like most M countries, utilizes regional bus companies to provide for local public transport. Larger urban areas also have tram systems, and Amsterdam and Rotterdam have a metro train service. The public transport system is excellent. It is efficient, modern and comfortable. There are also ample taxis which can be expensive, especially over longer distances. All other forms of public transport are reasonably priced, if you know the rules of the game. If you don’t, look forward to a frustrating and expensive experience.

The physical size of Holland allows the bus companies to merge their ideas so that the whole country is divided into numbered travel zones. Tickets are valid for a quantity of travel zones and for a specific time, based on the number of zones crossed. You are free to travel anywhere within the defined multi-zone boundary for that period of time.

So far it seems simple. To travel from, say, Hilversum to Loosdrecht by bus, you must purchase a ticket for the requisite number of zones. Sorry, but it’s not quite as simple as that. Disregarding season tickets, you have two options:

1. Purchase a blank ticket beforehand from a designated shop (post office, tobacconist, train station, etc.). The national strip ticket (
   strippenkaart
   ) is divided into a number of lateral strips. A strip ticket can be used on any bus, tram or metro in the country. All you need to do is correctly stamp it in one of the yellow boxes provided, or ask the driver to do so. Knowing how to stamp the ticket correctly is too complex to explain in this account. In order to take your mind off the traumas of planning the next journey, some strip tickets carry a convenient word puzzle on the reverse.
   
2. Purchase a ticket on board. This is a less desirable method to use, since this ticket is considerably more expensive per zone than one purchased in a shop.
   

The national train service (
Nederlandse Spoorwegen
) has a simpler system whereby you purchase a travel ticket at the point of departure for the journey. To take the boredom out of this mundane task, a range of ticket categories has been introduced which will defy the most adept financial wizard. In fact, the matter has become so complex that
Nederlandse Spoorwegen
has issued a travel/price guide on diskettes (DOS and Windows platforms) to give the potential traveller a fighting chance at getting a fair deal on the journey price. To use the
Reisplanner
program, you enter the starting point and destination and the date and time of travel, and it will display your ticket options—with prices. Thus if you are touring the country, a laptop computer will serve you well as an addition to the other items you will need. (See ‘What to Take,’ this chapter.) On a grander scale, computerized ‘journey planners’ using touch screens to access nationwide public transport databases are being installed at bus and railway stations—all for a country where you can travel the full perimeter in 24 hours.

When you join the train-ticket queue, you will notice a curious sight. After purchasing a ticket, the average
cloggy
takes one side-step (usually to the left) and spends a few moments fiddling before departing with a satisfied look. Foreigners might think the side-step is part of the ticket purchasing process. Wrong. The
cloggies
(male or female) are merely organizing and taking an inventory of their coin purses, and putting their tickets into their handbags.

Until 1985, tickets were rarely inspected on urban transport. In 1985 it became apparent that the honour system had failed since the transport companies were losing a lot of money.

Groups of inspectors were introduced. At first, the controllers frequently dressed in plain clothes. This uniform was soon eliminated by the democratic Dutch who complained that a
zwart
(‘black,’ fare-evading) passenger should have a fair chance to escape. Now the controller-teams consist of groups of uniformed youngsters (in their teens or early 20’s). A typical team consists of one or two females, one blond Dutchman and a combination of Turks, Surinamese and/or Negroes. These youngsters are often lenient with people who have not stamped their tickets properly.

However, do not be surprised to witness the youngsters frantically tackling a would-be escapee trying to get out of a metro train when it stops at a station. The controllers may find it necessary to grab the person in question. If he tries to escape from their grasp, the train will be delayed for the duration of the struggle on the platform.

Eventually the controllers will drag the escapee back into the metro train. The doors then close and the train proceeds as the escapee passionately protests, ‘
I haven’t done anything wrong
…’

Still, there were too many
zwartrijders
for the
Nederlandse Spoorwegen
who, in retaliation, abandoned the possibility that any passengers had any form of honour. From the start of 1995, all passengers, platform spectators, pimps, passers-by, and pooches from poodles to pit-bulls had to pre-purchase a ticket. The public characteristically translated this outrage as ‘
cruel and unusual punishment
’ and used its famed pacificity to engage in on-board Fights and attacks on individual inspectors.
Nederlandse Spoorwegen
, not wishing to be derailed, responded by teaming inspectors, the cost of which has probably exceeded the losses attributed to
zwartrijders
in the first place.

All nationalities have their habits and traits when it comes to public transport, especially on longer journeys. The Russians may take vodka or a chess set. Some nationalities will take their livestock to market on a bus. Instead of taking sheep, chickens and goats with them on public transport, the Dutch like to take their Bicycles, reading matter and at least one very large bunch of flowers for everyone to admire. You can buy a special ticket for your Bicycle. Reading matter and flowers go free of charge since:

• They bring so much joy to the passengers.
  
• They are an excellent conversation piece.
  

Finally, the Dutch love to take dogs on all forms of public transport. Dog tickets are on sale if the dog is too large to fit in your shopping bag or prefers to sit on its own seat.

1. Whether you’re waiting for the bus, tram, metro or train, form a compact mass with the others who are waiting, and do so as soon as the vehicle appears in the distance. When it arrives, block the doors so the exiting passengers cannot leave. Above all, do not move out of the way when the doors open and people attempt to get out, as this might speed things up. After all, you wouldn’t want anyone to get ahead of you in the mob. If, however, you are a passenger waiting to exit, then you have the right to curse the stupid idiots blocking your way.
   
2. In rush hour, there will be enough of you to form an additional blockade. Stand or slowly stroll so as to prevent those who have managed to exit from hurrying to the stairs or escalator, or to a connecting bus or tram. In this ‘pinball’ game, you score points each time someone bumps into you or is otherwise inconvenienced and frustrated by you.
   

If you want to blend into the local colour, be sure to passionately discuss the favourite topic of the country: guilders.

It is compulsory for Dutch nationals to complain, whine and express disapproval of subsidy levels, welfare benefits, food prices and the economy in general. However, it is highly inadvisable for non-Dutch to air negative views on Dutch ways.

If the train is waiting at a stop and it is quiet in the compartment, the mere rattling of a plastic bag is enough to draw the attention of all those within earshot. They’ll immediately stop all present activities in order to try and see what you’re going to pull out of the bag (and probably read whatever is written on the back of the bag).

Select your reading material to impress whoever happens to sit near you. It is obligatory that the person(s) sitting near you spend a considerable part of the journey studying your reading matter. Depending on their mood, they may do this while holding up their newspaper as if they are reading it, by casually glancing up from their book or by just blatantly staring. It keeps them happy—they are studying free of charge.

These days, you see people carrying personal computer books with pride, even though they may have no interest in, and little understanding of, personal computers. Before the mid-1980’s, there was much resistance to computer technology among the Dutch. Consequently, computer books were frowned upon; indeed, the average
cloggy
wouldn’t be caught dead with a personal computer book. If you were one of the few who did choose to read on that taboo topic, you would have done so at your own risk and certainly only if the seats near you were empty.