1995 - The UnDutchables (7 page)

Once hooked by an attack of the freebie-jeebies, there was no stopping ‘em. Cohorts of
cloggy
keystroke cops infested cyberspace as FidoNet begat the CompuServe clan of ‘online services’ and later THE INTERNET and its WORLD WIDE WEB. During this transition, the world was blessed with a Dutch edition of the PC Magazine On-line Forum—perhaps not a modem megahit, but certainly a forum for ‘em. Forced back into the paying pattern, the newly computer-literate laptop layabouts celebrated this global breakthrough with stimulating postings such as: ‘
Een shit bulletin board
’ and intellectual responses such as [translated], ‘
Typical of an anonymous, socially-handicapped adolescent who probably uses fraudulent credit card data to join the forum. The only people to profit from this are the PTT
. ’

The Dutch have since spawned some of the most adept ‘hackers,’ forever foraging for networks and services to infiltrate. A successful intrusion affords them their fifteen minutes of fame and allows them to once again…

…
get something they don’t want for free!

The most unsavoury aspect of the ‘Guilder Builder’ characteristic manifests itself when tragedy strikes.

A Dutch funeral is an occasion where the Dutch excel at money-related cold-mindedness. A recently bereaved spouse or parent must be ever-cautious to the profiteering of funeral organizers. In the event that you are unfortunately placed in this position, recruit the aid of a
cloggy
. He/she will guard you against:

• overpriced floral tributes (expect a 200-300% price increase on usually-cheap bouquets of flowers, when ordered for funeral purposes)
  
• overpriced coffee (while your only thought is to lay your loved one to rest with dignity, care and respect, your aide will embark on a debate over the funeral arranger’s price-per-head for coffee and cookies, compared with the local cafe)
  
• the futility of paying extra for piped music if you think nobody will be listening to it.
  

Afterwards the whole congregation adjourns to the abode of the next-of-kin for a drunken and relentless round of bickering and bartering over the spoils.

1991 saw a revolutionary law introduced regarding body disposal: Cremations and burials would be allowed without the necessity of a coffin. Among the most critical were (of course) the funeral establishments who were horrified at the prospect of their main source of mark-up disappearing:

‘
It is wonderful that the lawmakers want to please the minorities, but there has been no consideration for the crematorium employees and what it means to cremate an uncoffined body—a body bursts into flames, and that is not a pretty sight!
’

A graveyard president complained, ‘
You can’t just throw a sheet over a body…
, ‘ then suggested, ‘…
maybe we can lay it on a plank!
’

When confronted with the charge of fanatical frugality, the average
cloggy
cites CALVINISM! as the root cause, then continues to practice the guilder gospel. No attempt is made to shed the yolk of the archaic moralistic code. This is perhaps the only example of the Dutch accepting a principle such as predestination without question or protest. And why not—it’s good for the purse.

The Dutch version of Calvinism is to:

• Guard every cent you own, and fight for every cent you can make.
  
• Deny, hide or apologize for your wealth to anyone that enquires of it.
  
• Plead poverty at all times.
  

This is a far cry from the original doctrine: ‘…
to learn to submit themselves to God, they must first be stripped of their wealth
. ’

Try these examples if you are ever unfortunate enough to be in a position worthy of their use:

1. If you must buy expensive clothes, don’t discuss the quality. Instead, mention the good bargain you got, thus making the garments seem less expensive than they were.
   
2. To someone who remarks on the obvious luxury of your home, reply, ‘
   Yes, it is a big house, but in fact a bit too large and luxurious for us. Had we realized how costly it would be, we would certainly have bought something more modest
   . ’
   
3. When hosting a lavish party, ask your guests to make a contribution for the coffee, as if you can’t really afford the gala affair.
   
4. On a luxury cruise, openly display your membership to The Loud and Proud Crowd by placing yourself above rules of etiquette and common decency.
   
5. On returning from the luxury cruise, criticize insignificant details, giving the impression that you’ve been on a cheap package tour.
   

UITKERING—the dutch work ethic

We believe you must give people a basic wage, and let them choose whether or not to work
.

—Gerrit Jan Wolffensperger, senior Amsterdam council member

If you truly want to integrate with Dutch society, you must have at least one type of
utikering
(welfare, national assistance; pronounced ‘out-caring’).

Applying for welfare and reaping the benefits is not a social disgrace—it is a right. (In 1986, one quarter of the population of Amsterdam was on welfare.) Those governmental bureaucrats whose role in life is to approve your
uitkering
will give you all the assistance you require, to the point of helping you re-write your application to receive maximum payment. If you don’t qualify by answering
JA
(yes), then answer
NEEN
(no), the social worker will likely advise.

Basically, there is only one requirement to obtain your
uitkering
: you must be prepared to spend a long time in the dismal, unventilated waiting room(s) on numerous frustrating occasions.

Advantages of having an
uitkering
are as follows:

• It kills any incentive you may have had to work. This is excellent training for the Dutch youth.
  
• It gives the Dutch Government an excuse to have one of the highest tax rates in the world.
  
• It attracts thousands of foreigners, especially Turks and Moroccans (so the Dutch can prove they aren’t racist).
  
• It encourages those who get the urge to work to do so illegally to supplement their income. This is known as ‘black’ (
  zwart
  ) work by those who engage in it and ‘white’ (
  wit
  ) fraud by welfare institutions. Be careful which term you use when speaking with strangers.
  
• It encourages many to live abroad on welfare benefits at the expense of those who pay taxes.
  

Although Holland has one of the most comprehensive welfare systems and superior national health programmes, and even though there is almost no true poverty in the country, the natives still voice their disapproval. They want more. And they want it free (
gratis
). Many women, youths and foreigners have rallied behind the motto
Bijstand Mis$tand
(Welfare = $-Abuse). Others have interpreted
Bijstand Mis$tand
to indicate their opposition to welfare because it makes people dependent and therefore is a ‘capitalist slave-making system.’ The point here is that the Dutch themselves cannot agree on the meaning of the motto around which they rally.

Some cities publish a free monthly newspaper for welfare recipients. The publications provide them with all the latest benefits they are entitled to receive, demonstration dates/locations and ways to manipulate the system.

Abuses withstanding, the system DOES provide help for the genuinely underprivileged, the chronically ill, the elderly and children in a far better and more humanitarian manner than the various so-called ‘
social security programmes
’ which operate in many other western countries.

Despite the attraction of a generous unemployment benefit, some choose to actually work for a living. The idea here is to impress your employer for a period of three months after which it is practically impossible for him to dismiss you, as will be seen later.

During the probationary period, you will without doubt experience some frustration regarding the lack of effort extended by your colleagues. However, once you complete your three months, your working life takes on a completely different character. You belong.

You can now concentrate more on the ‘social aspects of work.’ Work now interrupts coffee breaks. A heated, two-hour debate over the validity of your boss’s order receives higher priority than the five-minute task of executing it. A colleague’s birthday takes top priority. The important event allows various workers to arrange a collection, purchase celebration requisites and organize the compulsory office ‘SURPRISE’ party. You, as birthday boy/girl (
jarige
), are not left out as it is your duty to provide edible delights. The party, of course, takes place during company hours. It is left to the reader’s discretion to fantasize the effects of (say) the Olympic Games in Holland.

Good timekeeping is no longer a matter of conscience. Remember that the Dutch form of the expression ‘
The early bird catches the worm
’ is:

‘
The early bird is for the cat
.’

An employer must give you a ‘reasonable’ (but unspecified) amount of verbal warnings as to your misconduct. Next, three written warnings must be issued (on separate occasions). These are only officially recognized if you (the accused) acknowledge acceptance in writing. Without your acceptance, the matter goes to arbitration.

With your signature, the case is presented to the local authorities for assessment and possible authorized dismissal. The word ‘possible’ is used here meaningfully. Should the authorities decide your dismissal is valid, your new-found unemployed status will inevitably qualify you for welfare. Welfare through unemployment is typically 70% of your last salary, paid by the same local authority (1992). Given the Dutch affinity to the guilder (see Chapter 8), it follows that the local authority will be hesitant to approve a dismissal.

At work, employees have little or no fear of being fired. They can basically do what they want. If they don’t like a particular task, they refuse to do it. Some days or weeks later when their supervisor asks them how the project is progressing, the employee(s) typically reply with a shrug and inhale the word ‘
Ja!?!
’

If for one reason or another you find you are experiencing stress on the job, one of the most popular and successful tactics is to stage a nervous breakdown and go on paid sick leave for several months. By the time you return, your employer will either have you work harder than ever to catch up, thereby putting you under stress again, or will ask you to resign. The answer will likely be a negotiated settlement wherein your disappearance is rewarded by a large payment made in such a manner that your welfare claims are not compromised.

You can have quite a nice time working in Holland!

Generous subsidies of all types are available. The most common is the housing subsidy (
huursubsidie
). Also widespread are educational grants and subsidies. These include the arts. Often the financial encouragements are in the form of a purchase of the subject matter by the Government, in order to help the aspiring artists. Some of the works are displayed in a multitude of public buildings for all common taxpayers to savour. The rest (the greater majority) are stuffed away in storage while their owners offer daily prayers that the works will achieve masterpiece status in later decades. In 1973, a psychiatrist was subsidized to pose on a pedestal in a museum, proclaiming himself to be a work of art. (Hopefully he also was hung in a multitude of buildings.)

Life is based in large part around the amount and types of subsidies one receives. Recipients carefully weigh the financial consequences of starting part-time or full-time work. A job seriously affects their welfare and subsidies.

Every person recognized by the social security system, employed or otherwise, bank president or street sweeper, is entitled to a minimum of 25 days holiday (
vakantie
) each year. This may seem overly generous until you consider that a large part of the holiday pay (
vakantiegeld
) is deducted from the individual’s wages throughout the year and paid back during the holiday period together with the employer’s contribution, after taxation. Thus the thrifty Dutch award about four weeks’ holiday and pay for roughly half—a classic example of ‘
going Dutch
.’ Again, it is the
uitkering
-ites who win, as they receive a bonus with their welfare payments for four weeks of the year.

Sick leave is yet another way to maximize an employee’s welfare benefits. When you report an illness, representatives are sent to your home about once a week to ‘confirm’ that you are at home and are genuinely ill. The visits are only allowed to take place during specified hours (Monday to Friday, mornings until 10 and afternoons from 12 to 2:30) of the first three weeks of your illness.

This procedure rightly allows the critically ill sufficient latitude to shop for the necessities of life, such as flowers and coffee, without the fear of losing any welfare entitlement.

Based on 1992 statistics, some consequences of the foregoing ‘reasoning’ are as follows:

• By the year 2005, more people will receive an
  uitkering
  than those who work (Ministry of Social Affairs).
  
• Between 50,000 and 90,000 of the legal residents have no health insurance.
  
• There were more than 900,000 people listed as ‘
  disabled
  ’ in 1991 (‘
  disabled
  ’ benefits are some of the most lucrative types).
  
• The Netherlands has the most part-time jobs in the western world.
  

MET WIE?—identification& telephone habits

If you spend more than a few days in Holland, you will undoubtedly be baffled by the Dutch obsession with paraffin (misspelled,
parafen
). Indeed, the word appears on most Dutch documents.