A Handful of Pebbles (16 page)

‘
Loukoumades
,’ Stella says, pointing to them with her fork. Three forks, one plate of dessert. Sarah cannot reply, as her mouth is full. She would like to know about Nicolaos but she feels it would be pressing the point to ask twice.

‘
You have met Nicolaos the Australian?’ Stella asks, a laden fork by her mouth.

‘
Yes, a couple of times when I have been out walking.’

Stella
cuts up a honey ball and, stabbing a piece with a fork, lays it, heel end, towards Mitsos to pick up. Sarah watches the bird, now perched on the next table. Stella and Mitsos make eye contact.

‘
Heart of gold that Nicolaos,’ Stella says, breaking her stare and turning back to Sarah. ‘He went out to Australia because his wife wanted it, came back from Australia because his wife wanted it. Now I hear she is not to follow, after all that work he has done.’

‘
Work?’ Sarah asks, setting about another honey ball, cutting it with the edge of her fork and trying to scoop some walnut pieces up with it.

‘
Yes, he came back to get everything ready. The house was shut up for a decade, needed so much work, then he got the sheep together, planted the vegetables, but she did not come. She says she would come in the following year, but now it is the next year and she is not coming. Instead he has rented out the place and he lives in the old shepherd cottage.’

‘
So Greece did not heal his problems,’ Sarah says, hoping she isn’t showing too much interest.

‘
Ha ha. That is where people who know his wife would disagree with you.’ She breaks into a gurgle of laughter and Mitsos says something in Greek, to which she replies. For a fleeting moment, a cloud crosses his face, but Stella’s laughter continues and his face lightens until he, too, chuckles.

‘
Is she really that bad?’

‘
His family will have nothing to do with her. They say she’s
dilitirio
, er, how you say, poison. But all these years he has been loyal to her and has not seen his family for her sake. So I hope now he will realise she is gone and be with his family once again. It would be a good thing.’

Sarah scrapes the last of the honey from the plate, hoping she does not appear too rude.

‘
Kala, den einai?
’ Mitsos says to her. She looks to Stella.

‘
He says they are good, aren’t they?’

‘
How do I say yes?’

‘
Nai
.’

Sarah turns to Mitsos,
‘
Nai
.’ It falls way short of a conversation so to emphasise it she says it twice more. ‘
Nai, nai
.’ The laughter is in his eyes as he nods in agreement.

‘
Nicolaos has grown wise with his problems,’ Stella continues. ‘One time, by the side of the road, he was smiling, looking at his sheep. So I say, "You are happy today," and he says, in Greek,’ she pauses. ‘Wait I think of it in English—ah yes, he says "The earth asks nothing of me so I ask what can I give to the earth and the earth replies ‘Happiness. Be happy and make the world a happier place. So I try." That is what he said.’

Sarah can see
Nicolaos sitting watching his sheep, saying this. She wishes him all the happiness in the world. Stella is taking to Mitsos, whose voice is like the hum of bees, warm and quiet. Sarah would love to speak the language, hear what he has to say, find out about his life. He has such kind eyes.

‘
Mitsos just told me that Nicolaos said something to him once. He ... ‘ She pats Mitsos’s shoulder to show to whom she is referring. ‘ ...was talking through his thoughts with him as he was wondering whether to take me on a round-the-world cruise.’ Sarah raises her eyebrows as Stella says this, but then reins in her preconceptions. Why should they not have enough money to do as they will? She cannot presume everyone is a poor farmer just because it suits her picture of the Greek village. Stella is concentrating as she listens to Mitsos and then translates, ‘Nicolaos thought about the idea of a round-the-world trip for a minute and then replied, ‘There are two types of dreams: one to realise, the other is to be there only to create hope, a direction, a reason.’

Sarah absorbs the words. How does someone decide which dreams you are meant to realise and which to hold as hope? More fundamentally
, how does she create some dream in the first place?

‘
Ah that only applies if you have dreams.’ Sarah tries to make light of her thoughts, but Stella’s face becomes serious.

‘
You have to know what you want. How else can you live your life?’ she says. Sarah’s mouth tightens; she links her fingers on her lap.

Mitsos speaks to Stella
, and Sarah looks away. She would like to be alone again now. She watches the children playing football, using the tourists as obstacles to improve their skills. Women saunter slowly in their fine dresses, a gypsy woman holds a hundred balloons, offering them to children, asking the parents to pay. It is hard to believe it is still warm so late. Looking up, the branches of the tree hang beneath a pink-tinged sky. It is a wonderful country. She is really lucky to be here, to see all this, to meet the people she has met. If she had not come, everything would have stayed the same. Nothing would have changed, and this shift she can sense is happening to her would never have been catalysed.

She looks back to Stella and Mitsos. Lovely people
, she decides, and it must show on her face as they smile at her in unison.

But the question remains as to how to make the most of all this
. She might feel like something is changing, but until something actually changes, everything is the same.

‘
Okay, we go now. We are meeting people.’ Stella stands. Mitsos is paying the waiter.

‘
Oh okay. Thank you for the honey balls.’ Now they are going, Sarah wants them to stay.

‘
Lou-kou-mades
.’ Stella breaks down the word.

‘
Loo-koo-mar-thez.
’ Sarah tries. ‘Well, thank you again,’ She catches Mitsos’s eye. He says something directly to her.

‘
He says that he thinks Nicolaos was right, but he adds that some dreams are a blessing and a blessing ignored becomes a curse.’

Mitsos says something more. Stella looks horrified before she smiles, her open hand coming down on his chest in a gentle slap.

‘He is teasing. He says that I am proof. I am a blessing to him but if he ignores me, I become a curse.’ She laughs again and her hair swings and she takes her husband’s arm and they wander off toward the seafront.

Sarah watches them go before wiping her mouth well with a serviette
, wondering if that was a normal conversation for Greece. To her, it felt a bit bizarre but fascinating to know more about Nicolaos. Yawning, she checks the time. Laurence and the boys will be back soon. She feels too tired to face them—well, Laurence anyway. They will smell of the sea, their skins all fresh, rosy cheeked. Laurence will be puffed up if he has steered the boat or explained to anyone about the sails.

If she goes down to the harbour now
, she will see them coming in from afar.

The water is like black glass, the sky now dark. The mountains on the other side of the bay are just visible, black against black, twinkling lights picking out helmets and villages.

A purring of an engine comes from around the headland. There are no sails; there is no wind. She hopes their evening has gone well and that Finn has phoned or at least texted Helena.

The boat pulls in stern first
. Sarah catches the rope and loops it over a bollard. She grins at her boys but they are not smiling. The other passengers are, especially the couple and the captain. With a deep breath, Sarah wonders what’s happened now.

Finn is first off.

‘
Did you have a good time?’

No one answers. Laurence shakes the captain
’s hand.

They all walk to the car solemnly. Sarah grabs Laurence
’s wrist. He looks back at her, his eyebrows raised. She yanks at him to slow his pace.

‘
Now what?’ she whispers, releasing him.

‘
Finn phoned Helena, tried to make it up with her. They seemed to be getting on well, they were even laughing, but then he said something about Pru, so now the boys have had a fight.’

‘
Oh for goodness sake, everyone is acting like they are kids.’ She will corner Finn later, find out how things are with Helena.

‘
The sailing was good, though. The captain was an interesting man, speaks several languages. Last year, apparently, he was held up by a pirate at gunpoint who wanted to sail to Morocco or somewhere. He has a commemorative plaque awarded by the police. A very interesting man.’ There is admiration in Laurence’s voice. She looks back to take another look at the sailor, who is round-bellied with thinning hair and sturdy legs. The captain looks up and smiles and the most notable feature is his eyes, as if the wisdom of the world lays behind them. She almost wishes she had gone along, too. Maybe he could have made some sense of her life.

‘
Come on.’ Laurence is stepping into the car, impatient.

They drop Joss at his hotel. Finn does not say goodbye to him, and they drive home in silence. The term
dysfunctional family
comes into Sarah’s head. She always thought that was reserved for families on low income, or unmarried mothers with hundreds of children, but there is no avoiding that her family is not functioning.

Finn goes to bed on the sofa with a grunt of a goodnight. Laurence is in bed and sleeping by the time Sarah has finished her shower. She looks out of the bedroom window, the fig tree silhouetted against a million stars. If she wasn
’t too tired, she would go for a walk beneath them, walk and walk until she found her dream.

The next morning, Finn goes out for a walk, taking his phone, and Sarah sits quietly as Laurence looks through his e-mails.

‘
So was the wind strong enough yesterday?’ Sarah ventures. Maybe if she and Laurence functioned, it would be a start. But then, it is not as if they do
not
function, they just don’t have much to say to each other. Sure, they talk about what she is going to prepare for dinner for the days he is home during the week, how the garden is coming on each year, his timetable and destinations for the month, and the boys.

‘
It was,’ there is a long pause as he types, ‘alright.’

‘
Did you have to tack?’ Sarah tries to recall some of the sailing terms.

‘
What?’ He glances at her before resuming his typing.

With a sigh
, Sarah gets up.

If she walks down the lane
, she might meet Finn coming back, find out if everything is alright with Helena. But really, she almost doesn’t care any more. Everyone is so stuck in their own bubble. Maybe she will walk up to Liz’s, take some wine, start the day as she would like it to carry on.

Down at the lane
’s end, the floppy dog runs past and back, avoiding being petted. One of the women in black, whom she has seen several times, mostly when the van is there selling its assortment of goods, is walking from one house to another. She waves and calls ‘
Yia
.’

‘
Yia
,’ Sarah replies, and some of the weight on her shoulders lifts. Finn turns the corner.

‘
Are you speaking Greek to the locals?’ he asks, smiling.

‘
Of course, and you are smiling.’

‘
I am meeting her tomorrow in Saros for a coffee. Away from both families.’

‘
I am glad it’s all blowing over. It’ll be fine.’ A little weight lifts from her shoulders.

‘
Well, if I play my cards right. Where are you going anyway?’ He cannot stop grinning. It fills Sarah’s heart with joy.

‘
I thought I would go and see Liz. Do you want to come, or shall we do something else?’

‘
No, you go. I am going to laze by the pool, get a tan for the wedding day.’

‘
Ah, so it’s back on then.’ She winks.

‘
Well she hasn’t said as much, but I made her laugh.’ All the smile lines around his eyes crease. ‘See you later then.’ And off he marches, energy in his steps, looking so much younger than he did yesterday.

There is a chance she will meet Nicolaos on the walk up through the olive grove to Liz’s. He will probably be sitting there, camouflaged with the goats under the blue-green olive leaves. She wonders how old he is. Laurence is fifteen years older than her, but there is no way he is as old as Laurence. It reminds her Neville will be sixty-six soon; she must remember to get a card. The age difference between Liz and Neville and her and Laurence seemed almost insurmountable even for friendship when they first met, but as the years slipped by, the age gap seemed to get smaller, the difference acceptable. It is the young she increasingly struggles to understand these days. Having said that, there is an edge of comfort in Laurence’s advancing years. If nothing else, it makes her feel young.

She turns into the olive grove where the cicadas are rasping loudly
, but there is no sign of any goats or their shepherd. The disappointment she feels seems completely inappropriate and she reminds herself that she is married and that Nicolaos has shown only friendship. The rest is in her mind. Before she can ask herself what she means by
the rest
, she shakes her head and decides it is better not to know.

Concentrating on her immediate surrounding
s, she watches a thin lizard zig-zagging the track, then rustling off into the dried grass. She can smell the heat in the trees, the dryness coming up from the ground. It is an anti-climax that she reaches Liz’s drive, leaving nature behind and returning to tarmac. Deflated, Sarah enters Liz’s house through the patio.

‘
Hey Sarah, how nice. Liz is not up yet.’ Neville jumps up from his chair in the shade, puts his newspaper on the seat, and opens his arms to greet her.

‘
You don’t mind if I give her a nudge, do you?’ Sarah sidesteps him and heads to the open staircase.

‘
No, sure. Make yourself at home. Have you had breakfast, or do you fancy an early lunch?’ Neville sounds just slightly disappointed.

‘
No I’m fine. Thank you,’ she calls down from the upstairs hall.

‘
Second door on the right,’ Neville calls up. ‘I’ll pop down to the bakery for bread and milk.’

‘
Okay.’ Sarah taps gently and pushes the door open. The curtains are pulled closed but they do not keep the light out, so she draws them and marvels at the views. Neville’s hire car pulls out and meanders up the drive to crest the top of the hill before dipping down the other side and out of sight. Down the hill, more than half the village is mapped out before her. She follows the roads from the central kiosk along to the turning that opens into the small, sloping square where the van and his goods usually parks. He is there but only just visible behind a line of palm trees. Then, along from that, there is the roof of their holiday home, and that is Juliet next door, and behind, she can see the top of the fig tree, but the pool is hidden.

She traces the route back to the village square and along the road towards Helena
’s house. Along, along, and there! In the road, behind his sheep, is Nicolaos, his dogs ranging along the side of the herd.

‘
Who’s that?’ Liz mumbles.

‘
Morning. You want a cuppa? I’ll get you a coffee. Neville’s gone out for bread.’

The coffee is brewed. Liz stumbles down the stairs in a satin dressing gown, her hair unbrushed, last night’s makeup now under her eyes.

‘
Here you go.’ Sarah offers her a mug, which Liz takes to the counter and adds four spoonfuls of sugar.

‘
What you doing here so early?’

‘
Charming. Shall I go?’

Liz has only one eye open, which she closes tightly before she blinks them both open.
‘I think I drank too much again.’

‘
It’s the "again" that bothers me. What’s going on with all this drinking?’ Sitting on the balcony, Sarah rests her coffee on a low stool.

‘
He gets to me these days.’ Liz takes her first sip and her face relaxes.

‘
Who, Neville?’

‘
Who else?’ Liz sighs. ‘It seems such a long time ago when we first met them, doesn’t it? Then it was them that were so keen; now, the boot’s on the other foot. Back then, it was all a bit of a laugh and a route to an easy life. No heartache involved, no jealousy. Well, not for me of him anyway.’

‘
What happened to our rule of never discussing each other’s marriages or husbands?’ If they discuss Neville, they may move onto her own marriage and Sarah is not sure she wants to look at that.

‘
That was before.’

‘
Before what?’

‘
Before Neville decided to move his ex-wife in with us.’

‘
Are you jealous of her?’ Sarah’s voice raises dramatically, disbelievingly at the end. ‘For goodness sake Liz, the woman is the same age as Neville and she has cancer.’

‘
You think that will stop Neville?’

Sarah can feel the blood draining from her face. All these years when Neville had been manoeuvring for a reason to hug or kiss her, the long
, lingering looks behind Liz’s back, the accidental touches whenever he moved past her, she had thought it was her, and, due to the nature of their pact, she has never mentioned it to Liz. But as Liz never seemed to care for him much, she has even kidded herself it didn’t matter.

‘
When did all this change?’ Sarah puts down her coffee and sits next to Liz, taking her hands.

‘
Oh I don’t know. We have been married nearly twenty-six years now. You grow to love a person; surely you have grown to love Laurence?’ Liz is looking over Sarah’s shoulder, staring into nothing, and Sarah does not reply. ‘But I know he is a player, always has been in his own quiet, gentlemanly way. For a while, it was a game. I played around, he played around, nothing serious, just flirting. Seeing who could shock the other the most. Birds of a feather, me and him. But this with his ex-wife! I think after waiting on his mother hand and foot all these years, and not having children because the "stress might be too much for her" ...’ She mimics Neville. ‘Years and years of promises and dreams of places we would go, things we would do when the old bat finally died. I think I deserve just a little bit of faithful.’ Liz is shouting and crying.

‘
Has something happened? I mean, more than saying he is going to take in his ex-wife?’ Sarah realises how ridiculous what she has said is, as if there need be any more.

Liz calms her crying and lets her head hang forward.
‘No.’ The word comes out breathily.

‘
So what’s prompted this? I mean specifically, not that his ex-wife Agnes isn’t enough ...’

‘
Oh it’s just the way he looks at the Greek girls, the flirting over paying the bills, the "I’m just a harmless old man" act that allows him to hold their hands longer than is reasonable. But I know what he’s really doing, his little cheap thrills. Which makes me what?’ The pitch of her voice has risen again. ‘It makes me worth less than a cheap little thrill to him.’

Back when they all first got together
, Liz had all the power in the relationship. She knew it, and Neville doted on her. They took back-to-back holidays those first two, nearly three years before they got married. Liz jetted around the world whilst Sarah was having Joss and then Finn. Sarah hoped her own travels might come later, when the boys had grown a bit perhaps, but it never happened. Then Neville and Liz’s jet-set lifestyle ended abruptly. Four months after they got married, Neville’s mother moved in with them and Liz became her full-time carer.

Those holidays gave Liz such surety that she wanted to marry him, perhaps assuming the rest of their lives would be a continuation of the travel.

Sarah puts her arm around Liz.

She can remember deciding to finish her own affair with Laurence when Liz and Neville packed bags for Australia and Laurence
’s excuse as to why they were not going, too was work, again. Besides, he calmly put his point, he just done two trips to America; he needed a rest from flying. It began a whole host of questions that Sarah put to herself about Laurence all that week when he worked and she sat alone in the bedsit. With no Liz around to persuade her otherwise, she decided to tell Laurence it was over the next time they met. He offered to take her out for her nineteenth birthday, and it seemed an appropriate day to cast him off and get on with her life. She put on the dress he had bought for her the previous week, wanting to look nice for him, which her young mind reasoned might soften the blow. She practiced her speech in the mirror, watered down certain phrases to cause least offence, and felt she was ready. They were to meet at a restaurant, which, as it turned out, was pretty full. Sarah was glad of the background chatter. It would stop her voice from echoing out into an empty space.