A Natural Act (Contradictions) (10 page)

Craig has been working night shifts this week which has meant I’ve gotten into the habit of falling asleep at eight at night just so I can fall asleep whilst he’s there. He goes straight to the gym after work no matter how tired he is and then comes home just as I head off to my new workplace.

I’ve never experienced anything like my new job. I’ve never quite felt such a sense of belonging
which is astonishing considering it has only been a week.

Every single day since I started, I’ve been offered a cup of tea. There’s no ‘tea girl’, whoever fancies a beverage gets one for everybody else to.

That’s almost as hard to get used to as the fact that my colleagues actually ask for – and listen to – my legal opinion. A girl could get used to that.

“
Hey, doc,” I smile at my slightly sleepy looking guardian when I find him lying on the sofa wearing just his lounge shorts.

Some men look good in suits, some men look good in uniform. This man looks g
ood in anything but particularly appetizing with his upper body bare, no underwear and shorts hanging low on his waist.

“
Hey, lady,” he manages around a yawn. I’ve clearly woken him up. “How was work?”

I beam happily and jum
p onto the sofa next to him, speaking at light speed in order to tell him every little detail of my work. He listens with rapt attention as I describe the cases we’re working on, the people we’re helping, and even the clever little teapot his Aunt Megan has sourced for the kitchen.

I tell him every mundane detail from my day
, yet – as he has every day this week – his expression never shows anything but happiness and interest. I know he’s truly glad that I’ve found my place.

I know he’s glad I’m
finding out what it is to have my own life back.

“
Glad you’re enjoying it, Bella,” Craig smiles at me. “Got you something to celebrate.”

“
You didn’t have to,” I grin as he reaches down the side of the sofa to pull out a rather expensive looking gift bag. I know it’s expensive because Nigel trained me well.

That knocks my smile slightly but try to hide it from Craig.

“Know that, lady,” he smiles but it’s not a full smile and I suspect it’s because he saw mine falter. “But you needed this and you’ve survived you first week with Aunt Megan. She’s a slave driver.”

I have to laugh at that because lovely as she is, she has high standards. I have to respect her for it but it was a little intense when I first realised what I’d have
to do to meet her expectations.

His smile becomes more genuine as he watches me
open the bag.

The first thing I pull out is a bottle of Laura Mercier bath gel.

“Craig,” I frown.

“
Bella,” he answers, mirroring my facial expression only his is laced with confusion.

“
Please don’t do this,” I plead on a whisper, my eyes on the bag in front of me.

“
Do what, Bella?” He clenches his teeth slightly.

“
Buy me things, especially not expensive things.”

“
Don’t understand, Bella,” he answers in what would be a calm voice if it weren’t for the cool bite behind his words.

“
I… I’m sorry,” I try to keep calm but the tears are already coming and I’m retreating into the corner of the sofa.

“
Hey,” Craig lets his shoulders drop and softens his face. “Bella.”

I shake my head and keep my eyes closed behind my hands because I’m
practically hyperventilating.

He tries to touch me and I shrink away, he tries again and I cry harder. It’s not intentional and I’m not sure why. I think I might be losing it.

“Enough of that,” he grunts, quickly stepping over to me and scooping me up in his arms.

I squeak in protest but once my muscles have relaxed I cling onto him. I’m angry with him and I barely understand why. It’s frustrating that I don’t
comprehend my own emotions and terrifying that I can’t control them.

“
Remember when I said you’d have triggers, lady,” he whispers, sitting down on the sofa with me in his lap.

He uses one hand to gently run
fingers over my scalp.

“
This is one of those times,” he continues, keeping his voice gentle.

“
Not offended, lady,” he tells me when I continue weeping soundlessly. “Not your fault either. Need you to tell me though, Bella. Need to understand.”

“
I… I…,” I try but I’m gasping for words and nothing comes out.

Despite my snotty, wet face, he swoops down and presses a gentle kiss to my lips. Our mouths are parted and he breathes steadily as our lips caress. As he breathes out, I
breathe in, matching his pace to continue the kiss.

It’s the first time he’s open-mouth kissed me since the worktop encounter but my distressed brain is too addled to give that much thought

My mouth is so focussed on the way he feels against me that I barely notice the pace of our breathing as it slows.

He’s calming me down in the best possible way and helping me find peace.

“You bought me expensive bath stuff,” I whimper when he draws his lips away from mine.

“
How awful of me,” he drawls with a slight lop-sided smirk.

I manage a twitch of a smile because I have to agree, my reaction is confusing. Why did I react like that?

Why do all the bad things in my life happen?

Nigel.

“Nigel always bought me expensive things,” I tell him quietly because I don’t like speaking about him with Craig. Tarnishing the new source of good in my life with the old source of evil.

He squeezes my waist gently to encourage me and let me know he’s listening.

“It didn’t matter whether I wanted them or not. It didn’t matter whether I liked them. It mattered that I used them and wore them for others to see. It mattered that they were on display in our house, that people could see that he bought them for me, that he could afford them.

He’d give me presents and get mad when I didn’t use them even though I never asked for them.

At first, I loved it. What girl wouldn’t? The more I loved it, the more he bought me.

There used to be this body spray I loved. Impulse. It’s dirt cheap but I’d been using it since I was sixteen and it was part of my daily routine.

When we first got together, he used to joke that it was childish. It was cute and we both laughed. Then it stopped being a joke and he said I smelt like an inner city whore.

He said there were plenty of girls that would appreciate the fine perfumes he bought me.

So, I stopped wearing it.”

“
But you loved it,” Craig frowns and I’m almost certain his bottom lip juts out.

“
Never liked any of the perfumes as much as I loved my Impulse,” I tell him, resting my head on his shoulder.

“
Can I tell you why I bought you that?” He asks, nodding towards the expensive gel on the coffee table.

I nod.

“When I first brought you here, I stocked up on loads of different types of hair and bath stuff. Didn’t know what you liked so figured you could choose,” he explains. “That bag is just the ones you’ve used the most plus a few things Jelly said you might like.

Do you have any idea how embarrassing it is asking your kid sister for girl advice?
”

I grin because he does look
truly mortified.

“
That gel is the most expensive thing in there, the rest of the stuff I got from the supermarket I swear. You have cheap tastes,” he finishes with that cheeky lop-sided grin.

“
I have excellent tastes,” I tell him with an affronted pout.

He raises a disbelieving eyebrow and reaches past me for the bag. Opening it for me to look inside, his grin broadens.

“You’ve got Jelly to thank for that,” he tells me as I look inside.

He’s right, most of the stuff in here is the bog standard supermarket variety but it’s all the ones I love and right in the middle of it all, is a
can of Impulse.

He got me I
mpulse.

My arms go around his neck just as I burst into tears again. This time they’re tears of overwhelmed happiness. Without knowing, he bought me my favourite because he was trying to make me happy.

“Thank you,” I whisper.

“
Just shower stuff,” he chuckles.

“
I’m sorry for being insane,” I apologise bashfully.

“
I have a sister and a sister in-law,” he tells me. “Insane is part of the territory of being a woman.”

I slap him playfully because he’
s joking and I like that he’s turned something serious into something easier to handle.

“
Seriously though, mia Bella. I got you those because you were so brave in going into a new job and a new environment so soon. I got you those because I wanted to make you happy.

Whether
you use them or give them to charity is all good to me. If you don’t like any of them, we’ll find ones you do like.

My gifts don’t come with strings, Bella. They are what they are.

And as far as needing expensive things go, I could care less what you wear or how you dress. Thought you were beautiful in a hospital gown. I’d be proud to be seen with you no matter what.”

“
Thank you. You’re sweet for a big bad fighter man,” I tell him coyly with only a hint of mocking.

“
Pfft,” he scoffs.

“
You called me ‘mia Bella’,” I say because I think I’ve embarrassed him and I feel mean so a subject change is in order.

“
Mia Bella,” he nods.

My loquacious doctor. He knows what I’m thinking so I wait patiently for him to elaborate.

He doesn’t and I can tell by his lop-sided grin that he’s doing it on purpose.

“
You never call me Isabella,” I point out. “You called me Bella even when I was in hospital.”

“
Because you’re bella,” he winks. “It means beautiful in Italian.”

I blush.
“My mum used to call me Bella.”

“
Mia Bella,” he distracts me because he sees the hurt on my face when I think of my parents. “My beautiful,” he translates.

“
Yours?” I tease him.

“
Mine to protect,” he explains. “But not mine to own.”

He knows how important it is to me that I don’t belong to anybody ever again.

“Carla said you had a thing for names,” I tell him because he’s never mentioned it and I’m not sure I want to delve too deep into being his. I know he doesn’t want a relationship.

“
Did she?” he raises an eyebrow.

I nod, keeping still in case he tries to move me off his lap. I quite like it here, I don’t plan on moving.

“Not got a thing, just think it’s interesting,” he shrugs.

“
Craig comes from the Scottish word meaning crag or rock.”

“
You’re my rock,” I tell him with a cheeky grin to which he winks once more. “What about your family? Do you know what their names mean?”

“
Well, Jamie is from the biblical name James and Lea comes from the Hebrew word Le’ah meaning weary. Kinda suits her,” he chuckles. “Karl has the same root as Charles and is thought to mean man or warrior.”

“
Seems fitting with him being in the army,” I smile.

He nods.
“I think it’s interesting that sometimes the meaning of people’s names is reflected in who they are. I don’t think a name defines a person, it’s just interesting.”

“
Nerd,” I tease him lightly, poking his stomach.

He captures my finger in one of his large hands and kisses its tip.

“Did you know that Nigel comes from the Latin word which means black or evil. Nigel literally means ‘of evil’,” he says cautiously.

“
The warning signs were there,” I sigh dramatically and he relaxes when he sees I’ve taken it as the interesting fact that it is and nothing more.

“
In your case, Bella suits you perfectly. Beautiful inside and out.”

“
Thank you,” I blush, glad for a little more insight into my multi-layered doctor.

“Stop checking that damn thing,” Carla reaches over and grabs my mobile phone out of my hand.

“
Sorry,” I mumble bashfully. I know I’ve been checking it too much but I feel anxious being out in the open like this.

I know it’s unlikely but Nottingham isn’t that far from Derby
and I’ve had a text from an unknown number with the words “Hello Isabella” and nothing more. I didn’t dare reply.

There’s a good chance somebody who knows Nigel or his family could
see me. If he knew where I am, he might try to find me.

Which is ridiculous because how would he even have my new number?
The last thing I need is for him to text me.

I’d like to think that he wouldn’t care
about finding me. It’s hard to imagine somebody could beat a person almost to death and yet still care about them.

However, I know he cares abo
ut losing me. He’s very jealous and easily threatened by other men. He wears the cover of being the king of his domain but at the heart of it, he feels inadequate and inferior.

I think I always knew that
but sometimes one has to take a step back in order to really understand the reasons behind somebody else’s behaviour.

I always thought it was me; that he hurt me because I failed him, because I was worthless or insignificant.

I know now that it wasn’t me. It doesn’t make it any easier to accept what he put me through. If anything, it makes it harder. So much harder.

“
No apologies, babe,” Carla winks, breaking off a piece of her lemon drizzle cake and popping it into her mouth as she continues out conversation.

Carla and I have become quite close over the past few weeks. We spent the weekend together when Craig went to Newcastle for his brother’s birthday and I came clean about
almost everything that had happened over the past couple of years.

It’s f
unny how coming clean can make you feel anything but clean. It’s not an exfoliation of the soul but rather the metaphorical equivalent of rolling in the mud.

Admitting your shame to another doesn’t half it. It doesn’t lessen the load. It does, however, force you to come to terms with it, to question it, break it down
, and understand it.

“
I lived in his shadow for too many years not to fear it,” I sigh to Carla. “I don’t know how long it’s been since I sat in a café like this. He was always there.”

“
He ain’t here now, doll. He ain’t going to be anywhere near you again so let’s enjoy it and overdose on caffeine and cake.”

I nod because it woul
d be nice to believe it but I don’t. The prison warden doesn’t sit idle when the prisoner escapes.

“
Forget about him. I wanna know the Carter gossip,” she grins wickedly.

“
Gossip?” I feign confusion. “What sort of gossip?”

“
The dirty kind. I know that man’s got skills.”

“
He makes a mean smoothie,” I nod.

“
Isabella,” she groans. “You know that’s not what I meant. I’ve seen the friction between you too. It grates like sandpaper. You must have given into it by now.

I shake my head and sigh.
“It’s not like that, Carla. I’m finding my feet, rebuilding myself, and nothing more.

I’m not looking for a new relationship. Craig isn’t either. He’s a great friend and that’s all I need him to be.
”

“
Who’s talking about a relationship? Just get naked and do filthy things to each other,” she wiggles her eyebrows and her eyes sparkle wickedly.

“
Carla,” I reprimand on a whisper because she’s loud and we’re in a public place.

She shrugs, unfazed.
“Don’t pretend you haven’t thought about it.”

It’s hard not to think about it when we’re still sleeping in the same bed
almost every night. He sometimes stays at his own house but it’s happening less and less frequently.

I’d never tell him but I don’t sleep when he’s not there. I don’t even try because
, if I close my eyes for more than a few seconds, the nightmares come back.

Well, not really nightmares. Just memories played on loop.

I’m not strong enough to fight them on my own yet. I’m not strong enough to combat his memory.

Yet.

“That look in your eyes says you have thought about naked man meat. Lots,” she cackles, her pink hair swaying about wildly as her whole body vibrates with laughter.

“
Well, Carter seems happy so I’m happy,” she smiles when she’s recovered. “You want another coffee?”

“
I’ll get it,” I smile. It means a lot to me that I can do that. I have my own money. I just received my first pay cheque from Supporting Arms and every single penny of it is my own.

All mine.

The wage is actually more than I was earning as a glorified receptionist to Nigel’s father. The only difference is that I never saw a penny of that money. It went straight into Nigel’s bank account.

“
Next time, doll,” Carla winks. “I spy Simon so I gotta get him a coffee as well.” She nods her head towards the window and starts waving wildly to the hulk of a man outside.

His head is shaved bald and he’s almost as inked as Craig is. I have to wonder who copied whom. They have
almost exactly the same style.

I’ve heard lots about Simon, Carla’s beloved boyfriend, but she painted him as the guy she had wrapped around her little finger. She described him as the
sweetest, most loving teddy bear. It’s hard to combine that image with the physical being approaching our table. He’s more grizzly bear than teddy bear.

I suppose I ought to have learnt
from Craig that you can’t judge a book by its cover. His cover is cut muscle, ink, and brutish bad boy. The chapters of his subject matter, however, are much more interesting than that and I’m still figuring his story out.

“
Babe,” Simon greets Carla with a kiss on the cheek.

“
What the fuck was that?” Carla scowls, slapping at Simon’s chest.

He
feigns a sigh but he’s smiling as he leans in for a proper kiss. Carla grabs the side of his face and the smooching sounds are definitely a few decibels above what they ought to be.

“
That’s what I like,” she grins, pulling him down to sit on the seat next to her and taking his wallet from his pocket simultaneously. “None of this on the cheek shit.”

“
You swear too much,” Simon chuckles before drawing his attention to me. “You must be Bella.”

“
Her name is Isabella,” Carla corrects him, gently slapping his arm.

“
Not what Carter says,” Simon ignores her, still looking at me.

“
Um, nice to meet you,” I smile, still amused by the way this tiny pixie-like lady bosses that hulk of a man around.

“
Same,” he grins as Carla bounces off to get us all another drink.

“
Get some green tea too,” Simon calls over his shoulder.

Green tea. That has to be for Craig. I look over my shoulder, wondering where he is.

“He’ll be here in a second. He was only a minute behind me out of the gym. He’ll figure out where I went,” Simon explains.

I nod, somehow feeling less anxious about being out and about now that I know Craig is on his way.

Ridiculous – I know.

“
That bastard is merciless,” Simon chuckles. “Come all the way from Leeds to train with him. You’d think he’d cut me some slack with the HIIT.”

I have no
idea what that means so I just smile awkwardly. Thankfully, the man himself makes an entrance and his eyes automatically zoom in on me. His shields come down for that second and he winks at me before strolling over. They’re partially raised once more as he sits down next to me but not as high as they could be.

His phone is to his ear and he nods his head at Simon before continuing his conversation.

“No, don’t tell her,” he talks into the phone. “Rather surprise her.”

“
Don’t give a fuck what you want, Reed. She’s my sister,” he laughs.

He
grins at whatever Reed replies and winks at me. “Yeah, I was gonna suggest that. I’ve been looking forward to beating your ass,” he chuckles, glancing at Simon with a question in his eyes.

Simon nods in response and Craig grins.

“Simon’s in too. Can you set it up?”

He puts his arm on the back of my chair and idly plays with the ends of my hair as he listens.

“Alright. Sounds good. Gotta go, man. Take care of her,” he ends the phone call with a threat in his voice and I put two and two together.

He must have been talking to his little sister’s boyfriend. If I
were this ‘Reed’, I’d be quaking in my boots. I know how important the welfare of Craig’s sister is to him.

I’ve heard him talk to her a few times and his eyes always light up during their conversations.

“Next weekend,” Craig nods to Simon as he pockets his phone before turning to me. “Hey, lady.”

“
Hey,” I smile happily in response. “How was training?”

“
Good,” he shrugs. “This oaf slowed me down.”

“
Fuck off, Carter,” Simon shakes his head with a grin.

“
Only messing, man,” Craig laughs. “Needed a rest day anyway.”

Simon just sticks up his middle finger in response.

“You two are being pleasant as always I see,” Carla tuts, placing a tray of drinks down in front of us.

The men just grin and reach for their drinks so I thank Carla and take my mug of foamy latte.

“Going to Leeds next weekend to put your man through his paces again,” Craig informs Carla.

“
Nobody puts him through his paces like I do,” Carla winks.

“
Want to come with?” Craig asks her.

“
No can do, Baloo,” Carla shakes her head. “I got work.”

Craig nods.
“Bella, you care to join us? Can meet my baby sister.”

I bite my lip because I’d love to but this sounds like a weekend thing.
I’m struggling enough with being out in a coffee shop. I feel like I’m being watched and I don’t like it.

“
We’ll talk about it,” he winks. By this point, he knows me too well not to be able to read my facial expressions.

I nod gratefully and return to sipping my latte.

“Right,” Carla announces, rising to standing when conversation ebbs. “If you’re done wearing out my man. I’m gonna go wear him out for real.”

She tugs him to standing and he knocks back the rest of his drink quickly.

“Laters,” Craig laughs as Carla half drags Simon out of the coffee shop, blowing me a kiss as she leaves.

I laugh as Simon rolls his eyes at Craig because it’s obvious he’s loving it.

“Right, lady,” Craig’s grin broadens as he turns back to face me. “Let’s get you home.”

“
Sounds good to me,” I sigh. “I missed you.”

“
Sorry,” he apologises with a slight pout. “It’s been a long couple of days.”

“
You must be exhausted. I can’t believe you can work out after working 12 hour shifts three days in a row,” I shake my head in disbelief as I repeat the sentiments I voice so often.

“
What my body’s used to,” he shrugs. “People can often achieve much more than they think they can they just have to commit to it.”

“
And be superhuman,” I grumble.

He chuckles. He’s heard that from me a few times before.

“Crazy lady.”