A Woman's Wisdom: How the Book of Proverbs Speaks to Everything (9 page)

In this and every factor we consider when determining the depth of a particular friendship, we remember the truth of what someone has wisely observed: “We are conformed to that upon which we center our interest and love.” And more weighty still are Paul’s words: “Do not be deceived: ‘Bad company ruins good morals’”(1 Cor. 15:33).

how to choose

So how do wise women go about choosing their friends? In other words, how do they determine those to whom it is wise to entrust their hearts? Proverbs shows us what to
look for:

The primary criterion for choosing a friend is whether the relationship, overall, brings us closer to the Lord. Hopefully, as you consider the proverb, you can readily identify a friend or two who fits the description. I don’t mean that you do nothing but read Scripture and talk about spiritual things when you get together. I mean, rather, that after you have spent time together, your view of God is bigger and more joy filled, and you find yourself motivated to know God better. Of course, in such a friendship there will naturally be much conversation about spiritual things, as well as open accountability about struggles with sin; but even after lighthearted get-togethers—a day at the zoo or a trip to the mall—when nothing of great depth is discussed, you find your heart filled with gratitude
to God
for the friendship.

A simple question to ask ourselves about the nature of a particular relationship is this: Does it cause me to flourish or diminish, both as a woman made in the image of God and in my walk of faith? If the relationship is a wise one, both people will be edified spiritually.

A wise woman isn’t afraid to befriend those who speak up about sin. In fact, she gravitates toward such friendships because those who are honest about sin—their own and their friends’—tend to care more about what God thinks than about being popular.

In his day, Jeremiah cried out against those who made light of sin, those who minimized how much God hates it as well as the consequences of it. Concerning such people, God spoke through the prophet, saying, “They have healed the wound of my people lightly, saying, ‘Peace, peace,’ when there is no peace” (Jer. 6:14). Do we want friends who will hold us accountable for what we do? If so, we won’t get overly close to those who wink at our questionable practices and say, “That’s no big deal.” Which type are we drawn most toward? We might be quick to point to the first type, but the truthfulness of our answer is most accurately revealed by where and with whom we are spending our time. The bottom line is that our choices in friendship are only ever a reflection of where we are—or where we are seeking to be—with the Lord. If our relationship with God is primary, we are going to choose friends who strengthen that, and we will, therefore, recognize the truth
of this:

Not only in Proverbs but throughout all of Scripture we find instruction and wisdom for how to go about choosing our closest companions. The apostle Paul wrote this: “I appeal to you, brothers, to watch out for those who cause divisions and create obstacles contrary to the doctrine that you have been taught; avoid them” (Rom. 16:17). Paul was writing here about people who cause trouble in the church and stir up controversy between believers.

Paul also gave explicit instructions to avoid close ties with Christians whose lifestyles deny their professions of faith:

Not only are we to avoid an intimate friendship with believers who live in unrepentant sin, but we are not even to associate with them. This is hard to put into practice, because it just feels so judgmental. But it’s actually an act of love—love for God and for the one caught in sin. First, it’s an act of love toward God because we are refusing to wink at what dishonors him. Second, we are demonstrating to the practicing sinner that sin is serious. Avoiding such a one not only serves to guard our own hearts from temptation and to uphold God’s honor, but it can also serve to convict the heart of the
sinning one.

Some years ago, a man I knew, a professing Christian, came out and admitted his lifelong struggle with homosexual temptation. Edward had tried for years to deny his temptation, but he’d gotten tired of the struggle and had decided to quit the battle. My heart aches for Edward, because he never learned the rest and peace that comes from leaning on Christ. He walked out on his wife and kids, and today he lives openly with a male partner. He is also actively involved in an organization that promotes homosexuality as a biblically acceptable lifestyle. While this is, of course, deeply troubling, it is also troubling that a number of Edward’s former church friends continue the friendship as if nothing had changed and embrace the two men as a couple. These friends know God’s Word; so either they are blatantly disregarding what Paul said to do in such cases, or they are ducking it because upholding it would prove painfully uncomfortable. According to Paul, if Edward’s friends really loved him, and if they took God’s Word seriously, they would kindly and gently put him out of their fellowship after
explaining why.

We must, of course, balance Paul’s words in Corinthians with what he wrote to the Galatians: “Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted” (Gal. 6:1). Notice the difference in wording between the two passages. There is a difference between being caught in a transgression and living a lifestyle of unrepentant sin. A fruit of wisdom is discernment, which means that, in cases such as these, wise women have a feel for which biblical instruction is best applied in a particular case. There are times—probably more often than not—when cutting a sinning believer out of our fellowship would be the wrong application. Is our sinning friend miserable about her sin and desiring to overcome it, even though she slips up again and again? If so, the Galatians passage is one we do well to study and apply with our friend. One the other hand, if she is defensive and argumentative about her sin and insisting on her own way over a long period of time, we might consider talking to our pastor about if and how the Corinthians application might be appropriate. If we suspect that this is the most loving approach, we do well to seek advice and get the help of a pastor or another mature believer. In either case, a commitment to love must be the goal—love for our friend, love for God, and love for our own spiritual safety—and wise women prayerfully evaluate the depth of the friendship accordingly.

Friend or Rescuer?

Proverbs issues this caution:

What is Proverbs 6:1–5 about? We know it doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t step up and help people in trouble, because all through Scripture we are admonished to do just that. So, then, what do these words mean, and how are we to
apply them?

Basically, the passage is about not taking on responsibility that belongs to another. Conversely, of course, mercy does just that. We see in the New Testament epistle Philemon that Paul assumed the debt belonging to the runaway slave Onesimus. Above all, Jesus took on and paid our sin debt by dying on the cross. But wise women are able to distinguish between showing mercy and assuming misplaced identity. Sometimes taking on someone else’s responsibility is harmful. Notice the language of the passage:
snared
,
caught
,
save yourself
from the hand of the hunter
. The language implies that there are people who prey on the kindness, weakness, or assets of others, and that when a wise woman realizes she has fallen into such a relational tangle, she will get herself out
of it.

An application of the passage can be made to the sort of relationship that psychologists today label “codependent.” Proverbs calls it “the fear
of man”:

Whatever term you use, it is applicable to relationships in which two people seek to find meaning, identity, or escape from life’s troubles in what they can get from or do for the other. The Bible, however, says that seeking meaning and identity in anything or anyone apart from Christ is idolatry. And idolatry always leads to slavery, the language of which we see in Proverbs 6:1–5. If we are undiscerning about such relationships in our own lives or about our individual temptations to relational idolatry, we might find ourselves ensnared.

Disentangling from the snare of this sort of relationship is easier said than done. Relational idolatry occurs when people are made so big in our hearts that God is made small, and once that has happened, pleasing a person becomes much more important to us than pleasing God. Ed Welch explains:

The way out is found only through looking away from the relationship and toward God. While we are still caught up in the snare of idolatry, this can seem impossibly hard to do, which is why James
Boice asks:

We will see that restoring God to his rightful place in our affections enables us to love him supremely, and it also brings us clarity about how to love another. We will see that our efforts to rescue our friend and to control her problems have actually hindered her from turning to God. Looking away from the relationship involves an act of repentance. It includes reorienting our thinking. It involves acknowledging that we have been ensnared by our sin. And sometimes it will mean obliterating the relationship from our lives. The biblical remedy for idolatry is always destruction of the idol, not massaging or
manipulating it.

The prophet Hosea shows the steps on the path out of idolatrous relationships and the blessings that come after we have repented:

And afterward this is what God
will do:

Our friendships must be chosen with an eye to what most pleases God, not ourselves or another. We do this by keeping biblically based love principles in mind—whether it’s our time, our money, or our lives that we are offering to someone.