A Woman's Wisdom: How the Book of Proverbs Speaks to Everything (8 page)

Gossip makes us feel good, like eating tasty morsels, for a variety of reasons. Therefore, we are going to have to make every effort to resist it, perhaps lifelong effort. We are going to have to make a commitment not to “vent” or to spiritualize our words about others.

What about situations or relational conflicts in which we need advice or input from someone we trust? Surely there are times when discussing another person doesn’t fall into the gossip category; in many of our relational conflicts we do benefit from outside help. When it comes to determining which is which in our particular case, usually our hearts will tip us off about why we want to talk about another, if we’re honest enough to look. Are we seeking vindication? Are we bringing a third party into the conflict because we want someone to take our side? Or are we seeking help because reconciliation is what we’re after? As with so many things, our motives make the difference.

Flattery

Another speech folly that Proverbs highlights is flattery:

Women steeped in biblical wisdom typically see right through flattery; they can sense the difference between a sincere compliment and flattering words. A compliment is offered as a means of building up, whereas flattery is spoken for personal gain. Complimenting is others-centered; flattering is self-centered. People who flatter are after something. Consider the stereotypical cad, a good-looking man with a slick tongue who woos a gullible and lonely woman out of her savings. How does he do it? He flatters her. She is the most beautiful creature to ever walk this earth, he says; and because she wants so desperately to be loved, she will do anything, even impoverish herself, to keep him around. His flattery has gotten him what he wanted.

Proverbs warns us to be careful and discerning:

Flattery ensnares us where we are weak. It appeals to our desire to be loved, admired, and sought after. At some level, we all lust to be lusted after, and it is to this that flattery appeals. Flatterers are trying to get to us by appealing to this lust. Wise women not only guard their hearts from the flattering words of others, but they also guard their tongues from dishing out flattery of their own. We don’t tell our boss that he delivered a fantastic speech at the board meeting, if his speech was mediocre. We don’t tell the next-door neighbor that she is admired by everyone in town, just because we want an invitation to her next party. A modern slang term for flattery is “sucking up,” which is what we are doing whenever we offer praise in hopes of personal profit.

transformed tongues

As we can see, how we use our tongues indicates in no small measure whether we are wise women or foolish ones. We will be known by what we say and how we say it. This truth is quite sobering, for who among us doesn’t ever shade the truth or gossip or talk too much or flatter? We all sin with our words. It is at this point that we can see another way in which the book of Proverbs points us to Christ. We want to be wise, but as we discover that so much of what we say is actually foolish, we recognize that our need for wisdom far exceeds our ability to lay hold of it. A wise tongue comes only from the perfect Wise Man, who never spoke a foolish word. Jesus never lied, exaggerated, gossiped, or flattered. Every word he spoke was perfect for the occasion and accomplished God’s purposes—every word. Only as we lean fully on him as the One who spoke perfectly for us will we find what we need to become women of wise words. And find it we will, if we look there. If we merely try harder to watch what we say, wise words will prove frustratingly elusive; we’re just too sinful to ever master this on our own. Women of wise words are those whose hearts are being transformed by Christ while recognizing that real and lasting change comes only as they ponder all
his
words.

words of wisdom

It’s worth the pursuit, and here’
s why:

And

Words governed by wisdom bless not only those who hear them but also those who utter them. Proverbs tells us explicitly how wise words bless and the ways in which wise women
use them.

Soft Words

From Proverbs we learn that a certain tone of voice, a soft one, stops quarrels:

Soft words also bring healing:

We see again here that Scripture assigns value to our tone of voice. It matters more than we typically think, and recognizing this is a hallmark of wisdom.

Timely Words

A wise woman knows what to say and when to
say it:

She knows when a rebuke is the best way to love someone:

A wise woman also knows when to be quiet:

This even includes knowing when to share the things of God. Jesus told his followers, “Do not give dogs what is holy, and do not throw your pearls before pigs, lest they trample them underfoot and turn to attack you” (Matt. 7:6). Several years ago, I encountered the need for wisdom in this very context. Someone I cared about made sport of the Christian faith, and whenever I tried to communicate the gospel message, the response I received was cutting sarcasm and blasphemy. After one particularly painful exchange, the Holy Spirit brought Jesus’s words in Matthew to bear on my heart, and from that day on for many years thereafter, I stopped mentioning anything about the Christian faith in her presence. I did not cease because my feelings were hurt; I stopped because Christ’s name was being maligned, and I could sense the Spirit being grieved during those conversations. Years later, however, my friend was humbled by life’s sorrows, and she became receptive to hearing the truth. I rejoiced as I began afresh to tell her about Jesus.

Knowing when to apply Jesus’s mandate requires wisdom, because it is easy to mistake someone’s reviling the gospel for what is really just our personal discomfort in talking about it to a skeptic. How, then, do we discern the difference? D. A. Carson helps
us here:

ears of wisdom

Being a woman of wise words necessitates listening carefully to what others say. To that end, Proverbs teaches us the way to listen to a
proven liar:

This is powerful stuff. God’s Word is warning us to be on guard against those who have knowingly lied to us in times past, and it is giving us a clue as to some of what resides within a liar’s heart. While we cannot know others’ hearts explicitly or accurately, God can, and graciously the Bible reveals a bit of that to us here. In light of this revelation and its call to be on our guard, we can echo those who say, “Lie to me once, shame on you. Lie to me twice, shame
on me.”

Another time that ears of wisdom are necessary is when we are trying to mediate a disagreement between others. Proverbs cautions us to listen to both sides before making a judgment about the matter:

You know what they say: there are always three sides to every story—his, hers, and the
real one.

How much better all our relationships will be—how much more peace we will have—when we become wise with our ears and our tongues! The apostle Paul wrote, “Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person” (Col. 4:6). Who is sufficient for these things? Only one: “The Lord G
OD
has given me the tongue of those who are taught, that I may know how to sustain with a word him who is weary” (Isa. 50:4).

the world . . .

“Even if a friend is saying the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard, I don’t contradict her—because I wouldn’t want her to be negative toward me.”

—Charlotte, 34,
Marie Claire
magazine

the word . . .

Faithful are the wounds of a friend;

profuse are the kisses of an enemy.

—
Proverbs 27:6

Commonalities make for friendships, my father told me when I was a teenager, and, being that I was at that painful age where friendships ebb and flow like ocean tides, his words had an immediate and profound impact. That very day, the social structure of high school suddenly made sense, and later I went on to see that the truth of his words isn’t just about fleeting teen BFFs but about grown-up friendships too. We tend to bond with those whose lives intersect ours in one way or another. As we age, the nature of those intersections deepens. Bonding commonalities for teens—sports, grades, popularity—mature in adulthood (it is to be hoped) to those such as ethics and religious faith. Nevertheless, even as adults, many of the bonds we form spring from convenience rather than from conviction, from selfish motives rather than from
godly ones.

Consider the friendships in your life. How did they come about? Was the bond formed thoughtfully or more by the shared commonalities of everyday life? Most of us have some of the latter—default friendships that arose originally from loose associations with our neighbors or coworkers and took root over time. Such friendships are important for gospel witness and the opportunities they present to exhibit the love of Christ, and also just because it’s one of life’s blessings to have rapport and camaraderie with those around us. Not every friendship needs to be formed only after lengthy consideration.

Some do, however, and those are the sort we are going to focus on in this chapter. By
friend
, we mean someone to whom we choose to entrust our hearts. We can rightly apply the word
friendship
to many of our relationships, but what we want to cover here are the sort we choose to let into our hearts and lives to the degree that they can significantly influence us. Friendships such as these need to be entered into carefully, as Proverbs makes clear:

friendship pitfalls

Before we look at what Proverbs says about wise choices in friendship, let’s step back and consider some obstacles that can steer us to foolish choices rather than wise ones. All things being equal, why do we choose to deepen the bond of certain associations but not others? Taking a look at what motivates us along these lines can prove helpful. Here are some of the pitfalls that reside in our hearts and lead us to make destructive friendship choices.

Sinful Desire

Years ago, while I was living in Center City Philadelphia, I resided across the alley from a heroin addict, a friendly but deeply lost young man. We chatted from time to time, and he would talk freely with me about his habit, just as if he were talking about a routine day at the office. There were certain business venues in the neighborhood—a video store and a corner pub—where daily he would walk up to the counter and purchase his drugs. I ate at that pub on one occasion, and because I knew what to look for, I witnessed at least a dozen of these illegal transactions during my meal. People from every walk of life—male and female, professional and prostitute—one by one entered the pub and made straight for a man, the drug dealer, perched on a stool at the end of the bar. A few words were usually exchanged between the dealer and his patron, and if you happened to glance down to just below the countertop, you’d see the exchange of money and a piece of folded yellow paper that contained a quantity of the illegal powder. Because of all that my neighbor shared with me in those across-the-alley conversations, I got a firsthand look at one aspect of the urban underground. I once asked my neighbor how drug users ferret out places such as the pub and the video store, and he said, “If you’re looking for it, you’re going to
find it.”

Friendships can form in much the same way. If we cherish some sinful indulgence or habit, our radar is going to be up for others who share our proclivity, and when we find someone who does, a bond can form almost instantly. Sometimes all it takes is a word or two. Maybe you know what I’m talking about. Take it from a heroin addict: if you’re looking for it, you’re going to
find it.

Preventing such bonds from forming isn’t ultimately about avoiding everyone who sins in areas where we struggle, although this may be necessary for a season. The only safeguard against the formation of this sort of destructive bond is to be radically honest with God about how much we love a particular sin, even though we know we should hate it. Real change begins not with trying harder not to do something sinful but with being truthful with God about the fact that we really don’t want to try at all. Tell God, then tell a godly friend. Those are concrete steps on the road to repentance and to avoiding the snare of a destructive friendship.

Ego Building

Pursuing friendships with those whose walk with God we respect is, according to Proverbs, a wise pursuit indeed. However, do we really yearn for a relationship with the Bible study leader, or do we simply want to be
known
for having a close association with her? Sometimes, it’s not godly friendship we are after nearly so much as the reputation for being godly. Sadly, name dropping and social climbing happen in the church as much as anywhere else. Therefore, we do well to consider why and how we tell others that we had dinner with the pastor and his wife last week, or that one of the elders sought our husband’s advice, or that we go walking every Tuesday with the local celebrity retreat speaker.

The flipside of this is to be careful of our motives in deepening a relationship with someone who admires
us
. This is a very tempting thing to do when we are feeling particularly insecure or when we have recently experienced rejection. One way we can detect this motive in our hearts is if we find ourselves drawn to someone who flatters us. We already looked at what Proverbs teaches about flattery, and it cautions:

Misplaced Identity

If we do not cling to Christ as our anchor, we are going to look for security somewhere—everywhere—else, most usually through our relationships. Sometimes, however unwittingly, we latch onto a friendship for the very purposes of filling that void in our hearts. Concerning this type of friendship, one thing is certain: it’s not going to be harmonious for long. How can it be, when we are attempting to plug a human being into the place only God can fill? In such a friendship, each grasps at the other in some way in an attempt to get what each believes the other is required to give. Pop culture calls this “codependency.” The Bible calls it “idolatry.” Either way, God didn’t design friendship as a means for selfish gratification. We are going to find ourselves dissatisfied with any relationship in which we are seeking to get more than we are seeking
to give.

Of course, we all agree that friendships are a blessing to cherish rather than something to be used, but our hearts can trick us about our motives. Frequent turmoil in a particular friendship might serve as a call to examine our hearts.

Material Assets

Distasteful as it is to think about, Proverbs tells us that wealthy people are going to be liked by some just for their money:

And

Some wealthy women recognize this unpalatable truth about human nature, and they use it to personal advantage, as a way to get friends. Others keep their guard up, shielding themselves from befriending anyone whom they suspect has a materialistic objective. A wealthy woman who fears the Lord, however, is able to acknowledge human nature while still loving those who seek her friendship, no matter their motives. While recognizing the limitations of such a friendship, she nevertheless won’t get stuck on hurt feelings or cruelly reject someone who likes her for what she has rather than for who
she is.

unwise friendship choices

It’s not surprising that Proverbs is black-and-white about the wisdom of avoiding friendships with certain types of people. What is surprising are the actual types it warns about.

The Angry

Proverbs advises us not to make friends with angry people. Up until now, I don’t think I have given the aspect of anger much thought when it comes to weighing the merits of my friendships. Have you? What does this mean, exactly? Does it mean we shouldn’t befriend someone who can’t control her temper, and if not, why not? In order to answer those questions, we need to remember that the focus here isn’t day-to-day associations but rather those to whom we choose to give our hearts to the degree that we can be influenced by them. It is likely in that context that Proverbs cautions:

The sort of anger in view here is not so much the occasional burst of verbal frustration at a recalcitrant child or an obnoxious driver. Rather, it is someone “given to anger,” that is, someone characterized by an angry spirit. The concern expressed in the proverb isn’t that we will begin to spew angry words but that we might find ourselves influenced by the thinking that underlies the heart of the angry one. A chronically angry person is generally not living by God’s agenda. In fact, chronic anger indicates a heart at war with God. Chronically angry people are those whose personal demands and expectations aren’t being met, either by God or by those closest to them. A homemaker who bases her reputation on having a spotless home is going to be angry whenever she encounters clutter, muddy shoeprints, or unmade beds. Just so, a single woman who cannot accept her marital status might lash out in angry bitterness toward married women, whom she sees as more blessed.

We all have hopes and expectations, of course, but what is our heart’s response when things don’t work out the way we would like? A wise woman holds her hopes loosely and trusts that if they do not materialize, God knows best. Chronic anger, on the other hand, is the typical response of those with a my-way-or-the-highway mind-set. It is pure pride, and that’s what Proverbs is warning us about. Close association with the proud, whose pride is revealed by their chronic anger, is always a danger to our hearts, because we are all proud by default. Living close to Christ is the only way to keep pride from regaining its mastery.

The Self-Indulgent

Another important thing to consider in a prospective friend is her level of interest in and her commitment to sensual enjoyments. In other words, we are wise not to choose as our closest companions those who are fixated on earthly, fleshly pleasures. A good rule of thumb by which we can measure our spiritual health in relation to created things is
indifference
. Can we take or leave certain food and drink, or having our nails done, or that vacation in Aruba? Our freedom to enjoy such things extends only as far as our not needing them. God has given us all things to enjoy, as Paul wrote (1 Tim. 6:17), but Proverbs warns:

On the other hand, we know that Jesus spent time with serious partiers (Matt. 11:19; Luke 7:34). So what are we to conclude when we have these passages before us that seem to guide us into polarized courses of action? This is where we see so clearly the need for the wisdom that comes from God’s Word. Wise women—those who govern their lives by the fear of the Lord—are discerning women. They have learned to take into account not only what Scripture says about a particular topic but also the big picture of Scripture, before determining how to apply it. In choosing whether to deepen a friendship with a woman who seems overly given to sensual enjoyment, a wise woman will consider the fact that people are free to enjoy all God has given in creation, but she will balance that by also considering what Scripture says about the consequences of overindulgence. She will recognize that Jesus did indeed spend time with heavy drinkers, but she will see that his purpose in doing so wasn’t worldly; it was redemptive. As a result of studying Scripture, she might then conclude, for the sake of her own spiritual well-being, that deepening the friendship is unwise, but she can commit to an association that includes regular gospel witness.