A Woman's Wisdom: How the Book of Proverbs Speaks to Everything (7 page)

It seems, then, that we break the ninth commandment every time we sin with our tongue! Any speech sin breaks the ninth commandment.

The Westminster Catechism points out something interesting: we can bear false witness against ourselves. We do this whenever we put ourselves down. “I’m such an idiot!” we say, when the good china platter slips from our grasp and smashes on the floor. We also bear false witness against ourselves when we focus perpetually on our weaknesses rather than view ourselves through the lens of God’s Word. We need a healthy self-image, the world says, but this is only possible if it is shaped by God’s Word. A healthy self-image is found in reflecting God’s image. The world tells us to glory in our particular strengths, in what makes us measure up to or surpass the accomplishments of others. The Bible, on the other hand, tells us to rejoice that we have been made in the image of our Creator. A truly healthy self-image can be glimpsed in the words of the psalmist: “You formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well” (Ps. 139:13–14).

Concerning our neighbor, bearing false witness can be as much about what we don’t say as it is about what we do say. We bear false witness whenever we refuse to stand up and defend someone who is being gossiped about in our presence (more on this below). We can also bear false witness against our neighbor in our hearts when we presume to pass judgment on her intentions or motives.

Exaggeration

We also sin with our words whenever we exaggerate the truth. I’m not talking about embellishing as a literary device, times when storytelling is fun, and the audience knows the storyteller’s colorful words are meant for effect. I’m talking about skewing the details of real life to garner attention. It may not seem like such a big deal, but over time all the words of an exaggerator lose credibility.

Think about our natural response to television commercials. We don’t really believe that Frosted Mini-Wheats will improve our kids’ attentiveness by 20 percent, or that switching to Pantene Pro-V Moisture Renewal Shampoo will transform our genetically frizzy hair into silken strands. We don’t believe it, because past experience has shown us that products routinely promise more than they deliver. Just so, if we routinely embellish the truth, people will begin to take all our words with a grain
of salt.

It’s something we must be on guard against, because we slip into it so easily. “I hate winter!” we say, but we probably don’t, if we consider that hatred involves a strong, visceral desire for the destruction of someone or something. “My haircut is a total catastrophe!” Is it really? We might want to bounce that off a survivor of the 2011 Japanese tsunami. “I just adore cashmere!” Let’s hope we don’t, since to adore is to worship.

Exaggeration is the American way, but it is not the way of wise women, who know that, according to Jesus, they shall be held accountable for every careless word they utter.

Slander

Wise women avoid slander, which is the destroying of another’s reputation. Proverbs tells us that slander is a trait of fools:

Some years ago a young man in our community fell into some trouble and was placed under church discipline. Those of us who knew about it were warned by the church’s pastor not to talk about the situation with outsiders in order to protect the young man’s reputation. I was powerfully impacted by the pastor’s instructions because from all accounts, the young man was clearly guilty of the wrongdoing. Nevertheless, discussing it could further have damaged him. Stories grow as they are told, and human nature being what it is defaults to believing the worst about someone. Because of that, we are capable of slandering someone even if what we say is factually right.

Careless Words

Another speech folly addressed in Proverbs concerns how much and when we talk. Proverbs links folly to a multitude of words—in other words, to talking
too much:

We see there that restrained words are indicative of wisdom, which means that how much we talk is one way we are exposed to others as either foolish women or wise ones. Fools speak before they think, whereas the words of wise women are timely and well thought out. Wise women practice discernment with their words:

Concerning that last verse, Proverbs 19:3, do we have a tendency to cut others off mid-sentence, assuming we know what they are going
to say?

While we’re on the subject, I can’t help but think of those of us who walk through life with our cell phone affixed to our head as if it was an appendage of flesh. “I’m multitasking!” goes the explanation, but only in the last generation or two has multitasking come to be considered more virtuous than moments of silence and reflective thought. Besides, this is often an excuse we allow ourselves when, for whatever reason, we are ducking time alone with our thoughts. As I sat in cross-traffic last week, I decided to count the number of drivers I could spot talking on cell phones. Of the twelve cars that went by, there were eight cell-phone-using drivers; six of those were women. Phones on the road, in the dressing room, at the restaurant counter—we talk too much, and according to Proverbs there is folly
in that.

In addition to the wisdom of when and how often we speak, there is even wisdom in the way we pitch our voice:

The immoral woman of Proverbs 7 is portrayed as having a loud voice:

And so is woman Folly:

When it comes to how much and how often we talk and the voice we use to do so, here’s wisdom:

Wise speaking not only keeps us out of trouble, but it also brings
us joy:

Gossip

One of the things Proverbs makes clear is how much our words affect our relationships. Gossip has a tremendous impact. We
are told:

In other words, someone who gossips about another reveals an unfaithful spirit toward the relationship. Additionally:

This proverb tells us that no matter how strong a foundation a relationship has, gossip can tear it apart. Think about your closest friendship: what bonds you? Isn’t it your memories of shared experiences, both good and bad, and the confidences you’ve entrusted to each other as you work through life’s complexities and hard times? Now consider what Proverbs teaches: gossip has the power to wipe all
that out.

Although we know that gossip is sinful, we tend not to see it in quite the same destructive light that Proverbs does. We often view it as one of those “little” sins, something we know is wrong but not bad enough to wage war against in our hearts and lives. Some of us repackage the sin of gossip as “prayer concern,” revealing personal tidbits about others’ lives to our friends or Bible study group with hushed tones and concerned faces. Those of us who listen avidly are equal gossip participants. Do we realize that offering a receptive ear to gossip is as bad as
voicing it?

Whether we listen to gossip or speak it, we are proving ourselves to be untrustworthy. So why do we do it? Sometimes we do it because we think it is a way to deepen a bond. “I’m really disturbed at what Sarah did last week,” Sally tells Susie, “and I’ve just got to talk about it with someone. I’m telling you because I know I can trust you not to tell anyone.” Ironically, Sally is undermining the very thing she wants from Susie—a deeper trust bond—because at some level, Susie realizes that if Sally can talk about Sarah to her, then Sally can just as easily talk about her to Sarah.

Gossip and all other speech sins stir up relational trouble. Think about every conflict you’ve ever had: wasn’t it words of whatever sort that inflamed it? Probably right now we can all think of a conflict or two going on in our lives or among people we know. How can we use our words to respond to those conflicts wisely? One thing we can do is make a commitment not to involve ourselves in any gossip swirling around, whether by speaking it or listening
to it.

Since gossip has such negative consequences, why do we do it? As we already noted, one reason is that we believe the lie that it will bond us closer to those we gossip with. Another reason
is this:

Primarily, Scripture says, we do it because it’s enjoyable. The truth of this is proven by our response to the screaming headlines we see on supermarket tabloids—published gossip—while we are waiting in the checkout line. Just a passing glimpse at these headlines lets us in on the sordid affairs, legal troubles, addictions, and eating habits of the celebrities of the moment. A Christlike response would be sorrow, but instead we often feel good. The exposure of the travails of others makes us feel better about ourselves. “At least I don’t have that trouble,” we think with smug superiority, or, “My sin isn’t as bad as hers.” Peeking inside the private problems of those who are successful by the world’s standards also makes us feel vindicated—all their money, perfect bodies, and Hollywood homes can’t shield them from the same troubles that others have. We are reminded in black-and-white and four-color that worldliness doesn’t pay what it promises.

Is this really so bad? It is, because we are renewing our satisfaction at others’ expense. Consider how Asaph handled similar circumstances in
his day:

Just as we do at times, Asaph wondered if following God’s ways was worth it. As he looked at the worldly people around him, he saw their seeming advantages, and he was envious. But listening to gossip about the downfall of the worldly was not his path to peace. Rather, he found it by going into God’s presence, which gave him long-range perspective. Additionally, it wasn’t the downfall of the worldly that made him feel better; it was the fact that the purposes and glory of God and his ways will inevitably prevail, and therefore God’s people can safely follow
his ways.